The Stephanie Chronicles

[steph2.0]

I thought about something like this:

Hey, that would definitely take care of my wrinkle problem!

[Laurie]

 Hi Steph(anie) (still a few days left for the parenthesis)

  The doo, is you. Really it looks good on you and the smile really brightened your face. I'm afraid my day at a hair salon will be a bit different with me walking in, telling the girl what I'd like done, handing her my hair and leaving. Of course there would be the second visit to pick it back up and go home. lol
  Another surprising thing you have in your favor lady is you are sooo short. You look so tiny next to Cassie and Stella. It says girl all over you. Oh I know you have told us many times you are 5' 5" but I don't think you have ever shown us a picture that illustrates your height so well. For you lady it is all a plus.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Bari Jo]

Steph, great cut.   Now we need a new avatar!

Bari Jo

[steph2.0]

Hi Steph(anie) (still a few days left for the parenthesis)

Hi Lau(rie),

This post is rated PG.

Parenthal Guidance Advised.

The doo, is you. Really it looks good on you and the smile really brightened your face.

As long as I'm not doo-doo, I'm not cuckoo!

Gosh, everybody seems to like the smile. Guess I'll wear it more often. It was a little dusty but it's been staying pretty clean lately.

I'm afraid my day at a hair salon will be a bit different with me walking in, telling the girl what I'd like done, handing her my hair and leaving.

Better than handing her your head. But if she does a good job you might want to give her a hand. [emoji1319]

Another surprising thing you have in your favor lady it you are sooo short. You look so tint next to Cassie and Stella. It says girl all over you. Oh I know you have told us many times you are 5' 5" but I don't think you have ever shown us a picture that illustrates you height so well. For you lady it is all a plus.

You have no idea how much I used to hate being called short in my previous incarnation. Now I bask in it.

As for the picture, it probably highlights Cassandra's height more than mine. I'm guessing she's about 5'10" or even 6'. Stella was just a bit taller than me.

I was trying to understand why this hairdo affected me so much. I realized that most of my changes have been slow and incremental, and therefore hard to notice day to day. This was immediate, and so a little shocking, though in a wonderfully good way.

I'm back on Cloud 10. Thanks, Otis!

Steph

[steph2.0]

Steph, great cut.   Now we need a new avatar!

Oh gosh. I love the Bad Ass Aviatrix one, too. What to do... what to do?

[Anne Blake]

And I admit that when I saw myself in the mirror, I broke down in tears. Even got Destinee and Cassie crying. There was absolutely no doubt that there was a woman looking back from the other side of the looking glass.

Steph, that image that you spoke of, it is a moment that you will always remember. Such a joyful moment that many of us can relate to and celebrate with you. Good going girl, enjoy the ride, it just gets better from here!

Tia Anne

[HappyMoni]

Haven't been here in a while. Who's the cute, short chick in the picture?
Moni

[steph2.0]

Hi Tia Anne and Moni!

I've seen "her" before, but this time there was no doubt. It was pretty powerful.

Moni, you're speaking very clearly, considering what you've just been through. I'm glad to hear from you!

As for that chick in the picture, well, I'm afraid to say it because I'm scared I'll jinx it... but I've come to the conclusion, despite continuing doubts, that I may have "passing privilege." I never ever expected this, especially so soon. I compare myself to everyone in the "You look fabulous" and the "Before and after" threads, and I always come up lacking. But there's no denying that I've gone full-time with absolutely no pushback from anyone yet. Are people that unobservant? Do they not care? Or am I actually being perceived as a woman? I guess I'll always doubt myself, but I'd think that in the amount of time I'm accumulating as myself RLE, that somebody would have said something by now.

I'm not complaining, but I don't know how to deal with the thought. It seems so unreal. Things like this don't happen to me in real life. Can anyone offer advice to help me sort this out?

Confused Steph

[Laurie]

I'm not complaining, but I don't know how to deal with the thought. It seems so unreal. Things like this don't happen to me in real life. Can anyone offer advice to help me sort this out?

Confused Steph

  The trick is to get to that point where it no longer matters to you because you are happy with who you are.
  And "Nothing Else Matters" This song fits this thought better than my own.

[steph2.0]

  The trick is to get to that point where it no longer matters to you because you are happy with who you are.
  And "Nothing Else Matters"

Thanks Laurie. I'd never heard that before. You're right, but it sure is a hard place to get to.

What I'm wrestling with is - if it's actually true that I'm passing already - why me? I'm nobody special. I've done nothing to earn it. There are so many other people who've suffered much more than I have and who need it more.

I don't know. This self-flagellation is pointless, I guess. I should be grateful for the privilege, but I feel guilty. I guess I've been so unhappy for so long that I find it hard to accept happiness when it grabs me by the neck.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't anywhere near a meltdown. It's just confusing.

Steph

[Laurie]

Thanks Laurie. I'd never heard that before. You're right, but it sure is a hard place to get to.

What I'm wrestling with is - if it's actually true that I'm passing already - why me? I'm nobody special. I've done nothing to earn it. There are so many other people who've suffered much more than I have and who need it more.

I don't know. This self-flagellation is pointless, I guess. I should be grateful for the privilege, but I feel guilty. I guess I've been so unhappy for so long that I find it hard to accept happiness when it grabs me by the neck.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't anywhere near a meltdown. It's just confusing.

Steph

  Just don't stumble and fall into that rabbit hole. The guilt you have is not appropriate. The things you say you feel guilty for are not your fault and no one will blame you for their own shortcomings. Envy you for some of your assets maybe, but blame you ? No. Just accept those assets for helping you see who you are. 
  Being able to see yourself for who you are and accepting yourself is one of the elusive goals we all have in transitioning. You are well on your way to doing that Steph(anie). Do your loops, whoop-tee-dos, and barrel rolls in celebration of these achievements you deserve them.

Laurie

[Jayne01]

You have nothing to feel guilty for Steph. As Laurie said, nobody will be blaming you for anything. You didn't steal the ability to pass more easily from someone else, causing them to not be able to pass. It's just the way it is. Feeling guilty about this would be like your wife feeling guilty that she was born female and you were not.

You have achieved so much in a relatively short period of time. Congratulations! Enjoy your successes. We are all cheering for you.

Jayne

[steph2.0]

  Just don't stumble and fall into that rabbit hole. The guilt you have is not appropriate. The things you say you feel guilty for are not your fault and no one will blame you for their own shortcomings. Envy you for some of your assets maybe, but blame you ? No. Just accept those assets for helping you see who you are. 
  Being able to see yourself for who you are and accepting yourself is one of the elusive goals we all have in transitioning. You are well on your way to doing that Steph(anie). Do your loops, whoop-tee-dos, and barrel rolls in celebration of these achievements you deserve them.

Thanks. Good advice, my friend. I think I see what I'm doing. Since I haven't learned to accept myself yet, it looks like I'm still seeking outside validation. Regardless how well things seem to be going, I guess I still have a ways to go before I love myself.

The good news, I guess, is that I at least like myself now...

Steph

[steph2.0]

You have nothing to feel guilty for Steph. As Laurie said, nobody will be blaming you for anything. You didn't steal the ability to pass more easily from someone else, causing them to not be able to pass. It's just the way it is. Feeling guilty about this would be like your wife feeling guilty that she was born female and you were not.

You have achieved so much in a relatively short period of time. Congratulations! Enjoy your successes. We are all cheering for you.

Jayne

Yeah. Yeah, I'll work on that. Thank you.

Steph

[KathyLauren]

I never ever expected this, especially so soon. I compare myself to everyone in the "You look fabulous" and the "Before and after" threads, and I always come up lacking.

My first thought upon seeing your latest photo is that you should post it in the "Fabulous" thread.

But there's no denying that I've gone full-time with absolutely no pushback from anyone yet. Are people that unobservant? Do they not care? Or am I actually being perceived as a woman?

My theory is that the real world doesn't actually live up (or down) to our fears.  The world is not as scary as we fear it will be.  Yes there are rednecks, but they are less numerous than we fear.  The lack of pushback is the reality.

I, too, have had no pushback.  I assume that I pass in the eyes of some people and that the others just don't care.  They may well go home and tell their family that they encountered a trans woman that day.  But it's not important enough to make a scene with you or me at the time. 

Either way, I'm happy.  I hope that, in time, you are too.  The lack of pushback is the Promised Land that we dreamed of.

[steph2.0]

My first thought upon seeing your latest photo is that you should post it in the "Fabulous" thread.

Kathy, that's the nicest thing I've been told in a long time. Whether it really belongs there or not, thank you.

My theory is that the real world doesn't actually live up (or down) to our fears.  The world is not as scary as we fear it will be.  Yes there are rednecks, but they are less numerous than we fear.  The lack of pushback is the reality.

I, too, have had no pushback.  I assume that I pass in the eyes of some people and that the others just don't care.  They may well go home and tell their family that they encountered a trans woman that day.  But it's not important enough to make a scene with you or me at the time.

Yeah, strange how we tend to discount own advice. I recall telling someone else that same thing not too long ago.

Either way, I'm happy.  I hope that, in time, you are too.  The lack of pushback is the Promised Land that we dreamed of.

OK, here's a massive feedback loop for you. If I'm honest with myself (and you all), I truly am almost deliriously happy about the way it's all going, and I really don't feel as guilty as it seems from my writing. Aaannnd... that makes me feel guilty.

Hoo boy...

Regardless, I'm very far from unhappy. Life is pretty dang good. Still waiting for RSVPs on people attending my court hearing. I've got eight attendees so far in the peanut gallery.

Steph

[Laurie]

Still waiting for RSVPs on people attending my court hearing. I've got eight attendees so far in the peanut gallery.

Steph

   Sorry Steph(anie), but I must decline the invitation.

[steph2.0]

   Sorry Steph(anie), but I must decline the invitation.

Foo. Well, that's it: I'm canceling.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Steph,

You have studied the principles of flight, air speed, lift, turbulence, etc and you have ingrained them enough to let them sit in the background, sort of like a sub level autopilot. The head knowledge gets out of the way and you just fly. Birds don't worry about wing curvature, they just fly. Being Steph  is the same thing, you are just getting used to your wings. Now girl, go out and fly! Own it and love it! And we are all there with you each step of the way.

By the way, we can't make it to your court hearing but my partner and I are wondering if you are up for visitors next fall, we are planning an east coast swing.

Tia Anne

[steph2.0]

Wonderfulness Update

Some very cool things have been happening:

My wife finally told her brother and sister about me, and both were shocked but completely supportive, especially when they knew we're staying together and still love each other.

The county has accepted my electronic filing of the last three documents needed for my court date (copies of birth certificate, social security card, and affidavit of residency).

I had another appointment with my primary care doctor this morning. He was really cool about everything. The first thing he asked was what name I wanted to use. I'd signed in as Steph, so that's what I asked him to use, and he never messed up once. We plan to change the clinic records at my next appointment. He said since he's been working there they've had 20 to 30 transgender patients, and it's not a big deal for the staff. Amazing for a little town like mine. I talked with him about my 3 1/2 week meltdown schedule, and he could see no reason for it, but it's not his area of expertise, and he suggested I bring it up with my endo.

I have not failed to see "her" in the mirror for a couple of weeks now!

Today was the first time I washed my hair since I had it colored and styled. I had a horrible irrational fear that I going to see all that beautiful color washing down the drain, but of course it was fine. I've fallen deeper in love with it every day.

I connected with an old friend on FB Messenger last night, and she spent a half hour giving me makeup advice!

Speaking of which, this afternoon I'm going to see my friend and her sister who is a retired cosmetologist, for a free makeup lesson, followed by a nice dinner for all three of us.

That's all I can think of for now. Everything positive and nothing negative!

Steph