The Stephanie Chronicles

[Anne Blake]

It's just a lousy piece of paper, but it's made me understand viscerally that old whatsisname doesn't exist any longer. I guess I had gone from acting like Steve for so many years, to acting like Steph. And now suddenly I feel like it's not an act any more.

I had written a while ago about the first time I went dressed to my therapist. She had encouraged me to go to lunch after our appointment. I was sitting in my car trying to gather my courage, and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being. I internalized that and emulated it to get through my first lunch out by myself.

And now I've discovered that the acting, the emulating, is gone. That piece of paper somehow released me from all that pretending.

Now I can just be.

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger

Steph, I think that getting to the point you are at is what it is all about......."the acting, the emulating is gone......released from all that pretending. Now I can just be". Such a fine place to be. I still get caught up in doubts from time to time or feel the sting of an occasional mis-gender, whatever, but that is a temporary situation corrected by a kind word or hug from a friend.....I just don't understand how this joyful side of life somehow eluded me for all those years! Sister, we have a lot of years to make up for, get on with living and laughing the way life was meant to be lived!

Your sister,
Tia Anne

[Anne Blake]

Steph, you spoke of watching a young woman, "and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being." The image that comes to mind is of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" where she was walking across Rodeo Drive in those insanely high heeled boots and not a care in the world, just taking it all in. Now I will never be able to pull off those boots or short shorts but that totally being in the moment, so free and easy in life.......not a bad image to emulate!

As far as the image, I am way too old for it but I think that I can picture Kendra pulling it off pretty well!

Tia Anne

[Anne Blake]

Wow, three posts in a row, Steph is going to think that I am stealing her thread, no, not me!

Steph, I am in the midst of changing lots of different stuff now that my name is final, I expect that you are doing the same thing. I found a good resource for Colorado folks and it includes a pretty general and inclusive list of things that may need addressing. The site is Colorado Name Changes at namechangeproject.org and the list is on the page marked "Post-Name/Gender change steps". I hope that it helps.

If any others on this site have things to include in a "must change/may want to change" list, please forward them on.

Tia Anne

[steph2.0]

The Dangers of FaceApp

I mentioned over on Jayne's personal thread how I believe FaceApp triggered my transition. I didn't want to clog up her thread with my meanderings, but I have no compunctions about stuffing up my own. So...

While it certainly wasn't the only factor, I truly believe FaceApp was the straw that broke the camel's back. A lot of things were adding up to the perfect storm, but I was weathering it, though very unhappily. Then I read a tech review about this new app that used AI to retouch your photos, and it included female filters. The writer showed pictures of himself with the various filters, and I was blown away and had to try it. I downloaded it on January 28th.

The results from the first couple of pictures were a huge shock to my system. I literally got faint and had to sit down. I couldn't believe that with just a few very subtle changes I could look like that. I also didn't believe it could ever actually happen. The dissonance was too much for my poor brain, and I had a complete meltdown.

I alternately loved and hated that app for the next 3 1/2 months, and spent so much time with it while my wife was out that I wasn't getting much else done. The dysphoria was building and building, until on May 12 the dam broke, and I started this journey I'm on.

I went back and compared the pictures I've posted here to my huge collection of FaceApp pics from February - May, and I don't really see a lot of resemblance. Yet I spent today out and about, living full-time, eating lunch in a restaurant, shopping for cosmetics, and just being me, and apparently passing the whole time. I don't really get it, but I'll take it.

Just be aware that apps like that can be very powerful and dangerous to someone in a vulnerable mindset. If you're already at a tipping point, it can knock you completely over.

Steph

[steph2.0]

I just don't understand how this joyful side of life somehow eluded me for all those years! Sister, we have a lot of years to make up for, get on with living and laughing the way life was meant to be lived!

Hi Ms. Blake. First of all, how do you prefer to be addressed? I've been calling you "Tia Anne," but I see Laurie using "Tia," and some other people are using "Hey You," and "Late for Dinner." Maybe I'll just call you Sister.

Anyway, thanks for your comment. I think of all the misery in the world. I was immersed in it, for so long, that I didn't know any other kind of life existed. And now... the joy and contentment I'm feeling has made me realize that a lot of the time the cage we live in is something we construct ourselves, and which we have the key to get out of, if we aren't afraid to turn it. Making up for those lost years, laughing, living, and loving, is exactly what I intend to do.

Steph, you spoke of watching a young woman, "and I watched a young woman cross the road. Just striding along, swinging her arms, and living in the moment. Not a thought for who she was. Just being." The image that comes to mind is of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" where she was walking across Rodeo Drive in those insanely high heeled boots and not a care in the world, just taking it all in. Now I will never be able to pull off those boots or short shorts but that totally being in the moment, so free and easy in life.......not a bad image to emulate!

As far as the image, I am way too old for it but I think that I can picture Kendra pulling it off pretty well!

Yeah, those dang young pups have so much going for them. That's OK. This old dog still has some bite left...

Wow, three posts in a row, Steph is going to think that I am stealing her thread, no, not me!

Sister, I decide who gets to talk in my house, and you've got carte blanche. Cut loose, I'm enjoying listening.

Steph, I am in the midst of changing lots of different stuff now that my name is final, I expect that you are doing the same thing. I found a good resource for Colorado folks and it includes a pretty general and inclusive list of things that may need addressing. The site is Colorado Name Changes at namechangeproject.org and the list is on the page marked "Post-Name/Gender change steps". I hope that it helps.

Very cool, thank you! Here's the direct link:

http://www.namechangeproject.org/post-namegender-changes-steps/

More on where I am on that checklist in my update post below.

Steph

[Anne Blake]

Hi Steph, as for names, I am fairly open.....anything from; friend, Tia, Tia Anne, Anne....there is just one old name that is off limits and I won't post that one here.

By the way, just got finished changing my name on one really fun card today. We drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park and updated my senior national parks pass, one of the best cards that I have in my wallet!

Take care girlfriend,
Tia Anne

[steph2.0]

A few ups and downs since I last updated, but mostly ups - and busy busy busy! I was going to post everything from the last couple of days in one entry, but I know people tend to ignore stuff if it's too long, so I'll break it up into episodes. Here's episode 1:

After I got the final judgement on the name change on Monday, I started planning out my week.

Tuesday: Run over to the courthouse, get a bunch of certified copies of the Court Order, blast out to Orlando and pick up my "Appropriate Clinical Treatment" (ACT) letter from my doc, then move on to the Social Security office.

After giving a couple days for the data to percolate through the system, on Thursday: Visit the DMV, change the name and gender marker on my paperwork and get a new driver's license. Also update the titles and registrations on my vehicles. Maybe go next door to the tax collector's office and update our tax records.

Friday: Stay home and start cleaning the house for the potluck dinner I'm hosting on Monday.

That was looking far enough into the future for me, and looked like a viable plan.

No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy.

On Monday night I emailed my contact at the doctor's office with an attached copy of the Court Order. We had already devised a plan where I would email it to her, and she would create the ACT letter and give it to the doc for her signature. It would be complete and waiting when I got there to pick it up.

Well... not. Sherrie would write up the letter, but the doc isn't in on Tuesdays. The best I could do was Wednesday. Harrumph. Well, I could still get over to the courthouse and get the certified records. So I got myself looking as good as I can, since I was going to have to deal with the three deputies at the security checkpoint in the courthouse and the workerbees in the records office, and skated over to the courthouse in the Mini. Took a deep breath and checked my look in the mirror, and headed into the courthouse. Gave the officers a smile and put my purse in the tray, and of course I set off the metal detector as I walked through and had to get wanded. The female deputy made me lift my pants legs. Checking for weapons strapped to my ankles, or just checking that I'd shaved my legs? In any case, I passed both tests, all was well, and as far as I could tell, they thought they were dealing with just another lady.

Off to the records office and the sweetest lady I've ever dealt with in government offices. I showed her the printed copy of the court order that I'd received in email, and it was so new that it wasn't in her system yet. She had to dig it out of a big bin of stuff she still had to enter. In any case, she treated me really nicely. Lots of "dears" and "sweeties", and even at one point when she had to enter something into her computer, she said, "This is going to take a minute. Just hang on, baby girl." I was already smiling, but that one made me blush, too. Now I know that she knew what it was about, because she'd had to call upstairs to get clearance to release certified copies of the "name change paperwork," and my old and new names are pretty prominent on the front page. Knowing that makes it even more satisfying that she treated me so well. It was pretty dang neat.

I floated back out with five certified copies, waved airily at the deputies, and wafted down the steps and out to the Mini. That took care of all the official stuff I could get done then. Next up: What to do with the rest of the day?

Steph

[steph2.0]

In our last episode, I'd gone to the county courthouse and had a pretty cool experience getting the certified copies of my court order. Now I had a dilemma to solve.

Remember when I posted about my first time participating in the trivia team with Sue and her friends? (Here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2052349.html#msg2052349.) Well, Sue was working late and wouldn't be able to show up until it was almost over, so I had to decide whether I wanted to stay home out of fear, or own my new identity and go without her. I wasn't worried about the people I'd already met - they knew everything and I knew they were cool with it. What I didn't know is if anyone else I hadn't met would be there. But I said the heck with it, this is me. Time to quit hiding from the world. And off I went to The Villages, Florida, to be a trivial person.

I got there a half hour late, but there were still plenty of questions left to answer. S and B, who I'd already met, were there already, but so were C and J, who I'd never met before. On the other hand, they'd never met me, either, and S gave me a wink and introduced me as Steph, with no other explanation. Lots of smiles and welcomes all around, and we got down to concentrating on the trivia game. It didn't look good for a while, but B saved us with the final question. Do you know it?

What is the country of origin of Saint Nicholas?

A: Germany
B: England
C: Turkey
D: Greece

We were just barely leading everyone into this final question, and B was absolutely sure he knew the answer. You can bet as much or as few of your points as you want, and he was so sure that we bet the farm. And we won it all. Thank you B! The answer? Turkey. I would never had known...

Sue arrived just before the final question, and when it was over B left, and the rest of us had dinner together. We applied the $30 gift card we won to everyone's dinner and had more good conversation, after which C and J headed out. Discussing things with S afterwards, we came to the conclusion that I'd just had a total pass, and they knew nothing different. I'm not sure if they connected me and Sue, but it should have been obvious when she paid the bill for us both with no preplanning. In any case, it was a good night, and yet another boost to my confidence.

Next episode: Wednesday ups and downs.

Steph

[steph2.0]

Wednesday was the day I had to drive back to Orlando to pick up my ""Appropriate Clinical Treatment" (ACT) letter. By prearrangement, it would be waiting for me at 11am. Since my friend Cassie works close to the clinic, we arranged to lunch together after I accomplished my pickup, after which I would zip over to the social security office in Leesburg and change my name and gender marker. I got myself fixed up and jumped in the rollerskate for the 1:15 drive to Orlando.

Got there at 11am as arranged, and waited for the letter that should have been ready for me. And waited. And waited. Just before noon the lady who wrote up the letter for the doc's signature showed up in the office as she ran other errands. We said hi and she took care of some business with the receptionist, then headed for the door. I'd had enough waiting, so I stopped her and asked, "Do we have a problem?" No, she'd left the letter on the doctor's desk yesterday, and it was just waiting for the doc's signature. "Right, it was going to be ready for me to pick up today at 11. So do we have a problem?" And she disappeared into the back room headed toward the doctor's office. Less than five minutes later she came out with the letter. Good grief. Squeaky wheel, I guess.

I don't think this doc "gets it." She's new to the clinic (the third endo they've had since I started HRT less than 6 months ago), and everyone I've talked to is amazed that she insisted on seeing the court order before she would sign the gender change letter. You'd think that someone working at a clinic that specializes in LGBT issues would understand what we're going through and be more accommodating. Or maybe the clinic itself doesn't get it. At the last lab followup they didn't even have the lab results in the clinic records yet, even though I'd had them taken two weeks before. I actually had to show the doc the results in my phone, and she asked me to email them to the clinic assistant so she could put them in my records. Sheesh. I love my therapist, and my laser/electrocutioner lady is a real sweetheart, but my primary care doc had asked if I wanted him to take over my HRT treatment at our last appointment, and now I'm seriously considering that.

Anyway, I paid the $25 for the letter, and hit the door. Shared the elevator with a gentleman on the way down from the fourth floor, and he insisted I exit first. What a nice man. (Sqeeeeeeee!!!)

Off to pick up Cassie from work and on to a Thai restaurant for a great lunch, with great treatment by the staff.

Next up: Social Insecurity

Steph

[steph2.0]

After finally getting the "gender change" letter from the doc, and having a great lunch with friend Cassie, it was time to drive to the social security office an hour and ten minutes away in Leesburg. My nerves kept building all the way there, and when I found the building I drove on by and went to a McDonalds down the street to use the bathroom and get myself fixed up for the big moment. Drove back to the building and...

Sure aren't many cars in the parking lot.

An empty wind was whistling.

A tumbleweed rolled by.

Crickets.

Sure is quiet...

Yeah. Too quiet.

The sign on the door said, Hey, it's Wednesday. We close at noon on Wednesdays. Sorry sucker. Or something like that.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

So I drowned my sorrows by going to Wally World and buying myself some more cosmetics. Then drove sadly home.

Next episode: Bouncing Back

[Megan.]

This is like a soap opera...

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[Megan.]

... That I'm binge watching...

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[steph2.0]

This is like a soap opera...

Stay tuned. The writer is still awake and typing...

[steph2.0]

On to Thursday. I decided that instead of driving the hour back to Leesburg to that social security office, I'd go to one closer in Dade City. It was a little worrisome, considering that while Leesburg is a long way from being cosmopolitan, it's a lot more metro than podunk little Dade City. But I needed to go to Lakeland to fix a problem on the plane that I'd built, and Dade City was about a third of the way there in the correct direction. So once again I got myself fixed up and built up my nerves, and skittered to the office in the go-cart.

As you walk in there's a big sign: No electronics of any kind, turn them off. Leave them in the car. Huh? Which is it? Well, being a law-abiding person, I went back out to the car and stashed my phone and watch in the glove box. Went back in and got my ticket, number A69. Currently serving A54. Not too bad.

I had hoped to get caught up here while I waited, but with no phone, all I could do was stare at the stupid idiot box on the wall - while everyone else in the room played on their phones. Eye roll. At least I wasn't getting any second glances. A lady even smiled and asked whether the seat next to me was taken, and sat there with no weirdness.

About an hour later, "A69, window 4."

"Yes ma'am, how can I help you today?" <frisson>
Big smile: "Name and gender change. Here are all the forms."
"Yes, that's all we need. I'm going to send you down to window 2, though, since he has more experience with this."
Off to window 2, and a nice 20-something young man who could be a basketball player. He ran through all the paperwork with no drama, then asked to see my drivers license, which was... whoops, in the pocket on the back of my phone, out in the car. Be right back...
Finished filling out the forms, double checked with me that everything was accurate, printed out the receipt, gave me back all my paperwork, and said we were all set. As I got up to go:

"Congratulations, Stephanie. Enjoy your new life."

I thought my face was going to split. I couldn't stop grinning like a fool. Did a happy dance in front of my car. And had what Cassie calls a "Lady Minute" in the car.

This is all really really happening. Oop. Getting all verklempt again...

Epilog: I drove down to where the plane I'd built is being kept. The owner and his wife are incredibly supportive of my transition, and she made me lunch while we talked about how things were going for me. Afterwards she gave me some makeup tips and even gave me some lip gloss. I changed into my new women's working clothes, went to the hangar, and found and fixed the problem with the plane. I consider that my first technical victory as my new self, and I looked fabulous doing it, despite dripping fuel down my arm.

And one final thing: Eight minutes from home I got a text from Sue. One of the snowbirds who hang out and help me in the shop during the winter was waiting at home to take us out to dinner for a favor I'd done for him. I asked Sue if he realized who he was going to take to dinner, and she said Oh yeah. Okey dokey...

I'd already told him earlier what I was doing, and he was fine with it. He's always in good humor and took it all in stride. We joke around a lot, so I didn't hesitate to correct him any time he deadnamed or misgendered me, and he never took offense and kept trying to get better. At the restaurant the waitress was awesome, joking with us ladies and that guy on the other side of the booth. I even joked with the manager that I was upset because my pina colada didn't have an umbrella in it. She knows my previous persona, since as president of our flying club I've been arranging to use their meeting room for years. I don't know if she recognized me or not. She didn't show any surprise, so I'm guessing that she didn't know who she was talking with. Anyway, by the end of dinner my friend was starting to get it, though I'm sure it'll take more gentle persuasion before he doesn't forget.

In any case, I'd rate this as an immensely successful day...

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger - Now known to the federal government as same. It's now a federal offense to misgender me...

[Megan.]

Like all good TV shows, drama,  intrigue and a happy ending.

Congrats. X

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[LizK]

There is something about receiving that validation of your new name...like making everything suddenly real. I waited until I had a full set of ID before I went fulltime and once I had it all together it was such an affirming moment. Glad it went so well for you 

[Jayne01]

This is a really awesome soap opera. I'm hooked. Can't wait for the next exciting episode......

Steph, I love reading your story. It's amazing!

Jayne

[Megan.]

It's like Dynasty and Dallas rolled together, but with even more Steph glamour!

And,  no Steph,  this isn't all a dream. X

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[KathyLauren]

I looked fabulous doing it, despite dripping fuel down my arm.

That's my girl!!   

I'm glad it's going so well for you!  Just keep on owning it, and you'll be fine.

[steph2.0]

It's like Dynasty and Dallas rolled together, but with even more Steph glamour!

And,  no Steph,  this isn't all a dream. X

Not sure what that means. The most I know about those shows is Larry Hagman was on them, but without Jeannie. And Morgan Fairchild was on them, and according to pathological liar Tommy Flanagan (as played by Jon Lovitz), she was married to him, and he even slept with her.

Yeah, that's the ticket.