It's been a quiet week here in Lake StephBeGone.
Not.
Yesterday I, along with Sue and the Magster, hosted our first neighborhood potluck dinner at our house. This is a fairly recent innovation, instituted by all the women in the extended family that is our community. Every week the lady of one of the households puts together a one-pot meal, and everyone else brings the rest of the goodies. Since in my house, if I don't cook, we don't eat, I was the woman chosen to run this shindig. I decided on spaghetti.
I, of course - and for no logical reason - was nervous about being my new self among people who are getting pretty used to the idea by now. And everything was fine. I didn't hear any pronouns being used, so didn't hear any misgendering, and I didn't notice any awkward or humorous looks. I was just Steph, and everyone enjoyed the meal and each other's company, which is exactly what I needed. It was a fine night, and a side benefit was the house hasn't been this clean since we moved in.
And of course, today I went to the DMV office for my new driver's license. I have passed so many milestones in such a short amount of time, but today is the one that hit me the hardest. Seeing a therapist, starting treatment, overcoming my fears of being out, getting the name change court order, and changing the name and gender marker with the Social Security Administration were monumental moments for me, but none touched me as deeply as getting a driver's license with my correct name and gender on it. I just can't stop looking at it. Kendra is so right. It makes everything so real.
And I was terrified the picture would come out as badly as all the other driver's license pictures I've ever had...
I had heard horror stories about DMV offices in other counties and how disrespectfully they had treated some people I know, so I had no idea what to expect. I took a big breath in the car, and headed inside with my folder of paperwork. I had everything in order and was called to the counter with no waiting. Blair took the paperwork, did a bunch of typing, then had me stand in front of the camera. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't see the results, but Blair told me that she thought I'd be very happy with the picture. Later when she finally handed me the card, I started to tear up, and she got a big grin and told me she was happy that I was happy.
Despite the bad forecasts I get from people, I have yet to have a bad experience in a government office, with the deputies in security, the magistrate, the county clerk, the social security people, and now the DMV crew. I suspect it has something to do with my attitude. I always go in with a big smile, show a lot of patience, am as prepared as possible, and show respect and gratitude to whoever's helping me. And I've never failed to get all that reflected back at me.
Tia, I have had plenty of struggles with other aspects of transition, but so far the paper chase hasn't been too bad at all!
And tonight was another Trivia contest with Sue's friends in the Villages. Again, Sue had to work late, and so I went solo until she showed up after work. I met a few new people there, and I have no idea what they know about my situation. It doesn't really matter. I was just Steph to them all, and another team member. It felt strangely normal, except for the part about me being completely authentic and happy with myself. We did pretty badly this week, but had a good time anyway. Afterward Sue and I and S, the lady who put the team together, and is completely clued in and supportive of my transition, went out for Thai food, and had a really good conversation about what transition is all about. It feels great to have a non-self-conscious, open conversation about it all. And once again, I stepped into the role of educator and advocate that my therapist had told me I'd end up as.
After dinner we split up to find our individual cars, and I once again enjoyed the novelty of walking around the town where I'd had a meltdown no more than four months ago, when I was absolutely certain I'd never pass, and transition was a huge mistake. Tonight I had the added joy of having a very special card in my purse, that was absolute proof to anyone who needed it that I am Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger, female. I do still get a thrill typing that out. Sorry Jayne, it's going to take a long time before that becomes ordinary.
Steph
