[Once again I note that if you're reading this in Tapatalk, it refuses to show long entries. Tell it to show the Web View to read the whole posting.]
I had started typing this up as a reply to a posting in my friend Jayne's personal thread, but realized it would be more properly posted here. So here is my story related to what Jayne said:
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 21, 2017, 10:15:30 AM
I find the GD is often made worse by seemingly small things like seeing a group of female friends socialising especially if they are of similar age to me. I also get dysphoric with things that I can never experience, like seeing a group of girls playing and having fun together. Things like that I have to just let go otherwise I will drive myself crazy. It's not like time could be wound back to make me a little girl. But the dysphoria has a way of stirring up an otherwise good day with these kind of feelings. That's when I have to just dissociate for a while. Close my eyes and try to imagine myself being female in the present moment.
Wow. That triggers so many memories. Here are three from my past, involving the people I used to work with.
In my last real job (15 years ago now) I managed the IT department for a small food company. We had refurbished the house next door to headquarters for the use of the marketing department. Headquarters was somewhat sterile office space, but the marketing house was warm and beautiful inside, with a kitchen that had coffee and tea always available, a nice walkway through the woods and past a pond with a fountain, and second story views of the oaks and poplars. Marketing always got the best of the hardware, and I maintained them along with their independent network and file and backup servers.
You'd think I would have to be over there all the time to keep that hardware running. You'd be right that I was there a lot, but not because of the hardware. I ran that 33 million dollar company entirely on Apple Macintoshes, and they needed very little maintenance. The reason I was there as much as possible is because almost the entire department was women, and they just loved me. Almost as much as I loved just hanging around with them. There was no sexual tension involved. We were all just good friends and it was such a warm safe space for me to be in. I always hated going back to my cold stark office in the main building.
To give an idea how well we got along, one year, some time in September or October, the manager of marketing asked if she could borrow one of my ties. Yeah, I had to wear those nooses back then, but I made the best of it, with colorful fun designs, and even some with cartoon characters, etc. The marketing manager told me that she wanted to loan a friend of hers my tie that had Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd on it for some function they were attending. No problem. It went away for a weekend, came back the next week, and was forgotten.
Fast forward to the end of October and the company Halloween party. I wasn't into costumes back then, considering that I was in costume all the time, and was never allowed to take it off. But every woman in the marketing department came as "Steve." They had made color copies of my tie, wore Oxford shirts, pleated Dockers and glasses, and tied their hair back in a ponytail. I wish I could find a picture of it. It was glorious at the same time it was deeply disturbing. I had never heard the word "dysphoria" back then, but I knew who and what I was, and also knew I couldn't act on it. They were just showing their love for me and joking around. They had no idea what I was feeling. While they were being
me, I wanted to be
them. One of them in particular kept getting comments about how much she looked like me. In my head, I heard that as
I looked like her. Except she was so cute and had those bumps under her shirt. All I could do was suppress the confusion, roll my eyes, and smile along.
The second story also took place in the marketing house. While everyone else worked 8-5, I usually came in at 9 and worked until 6. I could often get more done in that last hour, once everyone left, than I could most of the rest of the day. I found myself in marketing at 5pm, and my best friend J was still there, wrapping up a project. We got to talking, and she said something like, "Here, let's try something." I had been growing my hair for about 5 years at that point, and it was well below my shoulders, as it is now. She turned my chair around, pulled my hair loose, brushed it out, and put it into a single fat braid. She put my hair tie back on the end, and put a feather in it. Oh. My. God. At the same time I was luxuriating in the feeling, I was almost frozen in terror. Did she know? What would other people think? I don't ever want this to end! I was so petrified I could barely move, but I couldn't stop grinning like a fool, either. You know that sound of a screeching needle across a phonograph record? That was playing non-stop in my head. I finally went back to my office to wrap up the day, knowing there'd be few people to see me, then locked up the building and went home. I hated taking it out before bed. I knew I'd never have it again. How odd to know that I could have it again now if I wanted to. J doesn't know it, but her actions that day formed a bond between us that I will always treasure. To this day, she is the only one from the old days that I regularly communicate with.
The third story happened after I'd given my notice that I was leaving the company to move to Florida. During my last week there, I was told that I would be taken to a goodbye lunch. When I got to the restaurant, I was met by all the women from the marketing department, plus a few from sales and accounting. It was a huge crew, and they were all women who wanted to show their love and respect to me. It was such a warm and loving meal, even though we ribbed each other mercilessly as we always did. It's not likely they thought of it this way, but to me it felt like they had completely accepted me as another woman in their circle. It made leaving even harder. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
So Jayne, I know viscerally exactly what you're going through. Hang tough and you will some day be in that circle, too. You're already well on your way.
- Steph
