Quote from: Anne Blake on December 23, 2017, 11:24:53 AM
Hi Steph,
I feel your pain. Last evening Deb and I were at a gathering at a friends house and I had the chance to catch up with an old friend from our old church. We spent quite some time talking stuff, lives, families, interests, etc. The short of it was when we parted he looked into my eyes and said, "Good to see you brother", with full intentionality. I was able to hold back the tears until we could get out the door, then I was a wreck all night.
Hi Tia,
Thank you for sharing this with me. I was beginning to think that I was somehow broken for allowing such things to get to me. So many people are telling me to suck it up, buttercup, but my emotions are real and valid. Whether my reactions are over the top or even logical doesn't matter. When I hurt, I cry. And eventually I get better. Having all my friends out there watching my back makes the recovery faster, but I think the catharsis is just a necessary balance to the good times, as long as it doesn't lead to something really bad.
I'm so sorry that your "brother" doesn't get it. I'm not religious, but hearing something like that seems so hypocritical from a fellow church-goer.
But look at how far you've come. I so wish I were already to the point you are. I have so far to go, so much pain to endure, and you've come out of it all so beautifully. You have no obligation to take such disrespect lying down. As Laurie points out, I am so early in the process, and I have probably developed unrealistic expectations based on all the good luck I've had so far. You, on the other hand, are to the point where you can expect positive feedback. When someone deliberately misgenders you like he did, you have every right to correct him, with malice if necessary. Such meanness shouldn't go unaddressed.
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Another story, two days ago I had my first mammogram (not as bad as expected) and I had a chance to talk withy the technician. When we hit on hormones she eluded to the reason I was taking them was to grow breasts. My response of while the breasts were a big part of the original intent (and great), my ability to feel, cry, understand and empathize was so much greater than body changes and totally worth all the efforts and trials. She had no idea of the head and heart changes from hormones and hadn't a clue that guys think and feel different than women.....wow, that was a surprise for me. She told me that she was going to give her husband a bit more of a break when he leaks out too much stupid.
I guess I understand that there have been some changes, though I never really felt all that "dude-ish" before. I always had the tendency to cry over emotional things, though I had to suppress it hard. It wasn't easy. The biggest change for me is most of the anger is gone. I'm much more relaxed behind the wheel. Driving is no longer a competition, it's a cooperation to see how smoothly I can help things flow. You want to merge in? Sure, you aren't going to make me any later by getting in in front of me. You're welcome! I've watched in wonder and occasional alarm as a general outsider while guys do guy things. I never got it. While I rode trail bikes and sailed and flew small airplanes, I never thought it was to prove anything to anyone. It was to experience the joy of learning a new skill, and getting out into the woods, or lakes, or skies. Even now, I insist that my little car has a manual transmission, not for some chest-beating bragging rights, but for the deep satisfaction of a smooth pullout or a perfectly rev-matched shift. Same applies to airplanes. I want a taildragger for the happiness of a perfect grass-tickling three-point landing.
The only time I feel real anger any more is when I'm pressed for time or feel like I'm cornered by circumstances. I'll then get into a "hissy fit". Otherwise, when things go badly, I end up feeling sad instead of mad.
It's surprising that your tech had never noticed the differences. Where did she think the stupid was coming from?
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You and I spent a night crying and doubting and questioning.......for me this was not something possible a couple of years ago. Yes, I really want to "Pass" and to be able to go out as stealth and I will cry when read, either unintentionally or due to the anger or idiocy of others........but the thought of going back, even if I could, has not entered my mind over this. At the gathering I interacted with many folks, some of them know of my life and kindly accepted me and some didn't. Most of my current life is out and about with only the rare uncomfortable event. I think that I have read of this being common in Steph's life lately as well.
Sounds very familiar. I have gone full-time, damn the consequences, and most interactions have been just fine. I think the situation with the waitress knocked me back so hard because of the complete unexpectedness of it by that person in that location. The UPS guy, hey whatever, I wasn't doing a good enough job presenting I guess. My neighbor, force of habit. Neither of those situations are unexpected, and wouldn't normally have affected me, if they'd happened on different days. Too much in too short a time.
QuoteSo, what now? I suggest that you pull out your old driver's license and compare pictures and tell me if you notice any differences. Look at yourself, talk with friends, do some retail therapy and feel the joy of being you.....and then please tell me to shut up and quit crying and do the same thing. By the way, how long have you been on hormones and how much of a change has come about with them? Give them and some more socialization and war paint changes time to take effect.
Please forgive me if I am to blunt but I am still crying myself.
Tia Anne
I've said it before: I'm aware of how lucky I am that I'm able to pull this off so soon. Today is only 6 months and 3 days since I started HRT, with only about 4 months on full-dose. I have had no other work done other than some hair removal and a new hairstyle, if that counts. So I understand I have no reasonable expectation of being completely accepted as I know myself to be, regardless of what it says on my drivers license. That I'm able to make it work a large part of the time makes me happy, while it also makes me feel guilty that others aren't having this kind of luck. Yes, I've been lectured on the guilt part, but once again, these are my feelings, and right or wrong, that's what I feel inside. As with everything else, I'm working on it.
As for pulling out the drivers license, I still gaze in wonder at the before and after picture I have. To be honest, that old picture was one of the worst that you could find of me. I generally didn't look that bad, though good luck ever finding a picture of me with a smile that showed teeth. The old "smiles" were more like a grimace. I just love what I'm becoming. And yes, I know I'm still in the pupal stage. Great things are coming.
My recovery from the last bout was, as always, going flying. I suspect some FAA medical examiners would want me to ground myself when I'm feeling as I did yesterday, but carving the air in a sweet machine, with Sue next to me, is so therapeutic. I always feel better after a flight. That, combined with going to lunch, where I was treated well and gendered correctly, was exactly what I needed to pull out of the doldrums.
So now do I have to fly west and give you a Laurie-style slap or two? You have something therapeutic you love to do. Whatever it is, grab Deb and go do it. We'll prop each other up when we start falling over. Your advice to me is excellent, and you should listen to the smart person who dispensed it.
Be well, and Merry Christmas.
Your friend,
Stephanie
