The Stephanie Chronicles

[Jayne01]

Hi Steph,

Welcome back from your trip. Overall it sounds like things went rather well. I'm glad you and Cassie had a good time and enjoyed each other's company.

What the Hell did I do? What does it mean? My only conclusion was that, despite all the effort to change my name on every piece of paperwork, every website, every possible communication; all the effort I'd been making to try to get everyone around me to understand and believe I am now Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger... I don't actually believe it myself. This realization provided the fertilizer for the earlier doubt started by the misgendering to grow.
...

With the misgendering, self-deadnaming, and now loss of confidence in my progress with HRT, by the time we got to Cassie's place, I was circling the drain.

As for this ^^^^^, I would say don't be so hard on yourself. So you dead named yourself a couple of times. What does it mean? It means for the overwhelming majority of your life you have been referring to yourself with the old name. In comparison, you have been Stephanie for a tiny fraction of that time. It was accidental and doesn't need to be over analysed. You're a pilot, have you heard of the Swiss cheese model? All the holes happened to line up for whatever reason and the old name came out when you introduced yourself. And the kid behind the counter who misgendered you probably had their brain elsewhere thinking about who knows what. Their last 10 customers could have all been male and "sir" came out automatically. They probably couldn't describe you if their life depended on it because they weren't paying any attention to you. They scanned the goods, took your money and gave you change. It's likely that you could have  been wearing a big bird costume and they wouldn't have noticed.

Go easy on yourself. Your transition is going so well, a few slip ups along the way can be expected and have no significance in the grand scheme of things.

Jayne

[HappyMoni]

Hi Steph,
   Don't feel bad about saying the  name wrong. We have neurological pathways that we have used for so long, sometimes we slip into them when we are not thinking. We can't deny that we used the old name a long time. It means nothing about your commitment to being the real you. It is more a statement that you have relaxed a lot and are not as hyper-vigilant with your gender perhaps, a good thing. The person in the store could have done something similar. Don't let it shake you for long.
Moni
Oh, it happens to most all of us. Don't localize it to just you.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Steph, I feel your pain.  I've been referring to myself as my dogs mommy for about a month to him.  Yesterday, I said daddy, and damn I was uncomfortable.  It made me question myself, but I got back on the mommy train.  You can too.

Bari Jo

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Steph.

I am glad you had a (mostly) good trip.

Don't ever censor yourself.  And thank you for reconsidering and sharing your experience.  You are among friends here, and the reason we are here is to help you and others with exactly this kind of thing.

Don't worry about self-dead-naming.  I have done it a couple of times.  The least damaging time, it was in a trans-friendly space to another trans-woman.  As I collapsed in self-mortification, she reassured me, "Don't worry.  We all do it."

You hear that, Steph?  We all do it!

In my case, it was a pre-wired response in my mind.  Someone puts out their hand and says, "Hi, I am _____." and my automatic, unthinking, totally wired-in response was, "Hi, I'm <dead name>."  It came out without any kind of thought or premeditation.  In other words, it didn't mean anything, and didn't reveal anything psychological.  It was pure habit, no more meaningful than the knee jerk if you whack my knee with a rubber hammer.

The two occasions on which it happened (the other one was much more embarrassing) made enough of an impression on me to start re-wiring those mental circuits.  I doubt if that habit is still there.  On the other hand, I do still find myself misgendering myself with pronouns.  It doesn't mean anything either: it's just a habit.

Don't worry about it!

Oh, and thanks for the pics!  I bet you're going to rock those skinny jeans.

[edit]I just saw this in someone's Facebook post:
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
That includes yourself, hon.

[steph2.0]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your caring and helpful advice. I'm still getting used to having anyone, much less so many of you, care so much about me. I lived much of my former life mostly in social isolation, with just a very small group of people I'd interact with, so having so many friends is one of the best benefits of transitioning for me.

To give an idea how close to the surface my emotions run nowadays, and how much small things can affect my mood, I just had something happen that has me smiling wide again.

My neighbors have just had a new plane (to them) delivered. I took Maggie for a walk and considered avoiding the group hanging around and oohing and aahhing over the new machine, to avoid having to meet the ferry pilot who had delivered the plane. I got waved over from the other side of the runway, so I had to walk over there. D and her husband C had just bought the plane, and my next door neighbor G was there, too. All are great with my transition, but I really didn't know how far they'd come until D decided to introduce me to the ferry pilot. She told him, "This is Stephanie. She's a really good pilot and she builds really nice airplanes." G chimed in with, "Yeah, she builds the best planes!" D pulled me into a conversation by asking how many planes I'd built, so I had to start talking. I gave my voice my best shot, having to tell the ferry pilot about all the different kinds of planes I'd been involved with, and what the latest project had been. And he bought it, hook, line, and sinker. I didn't need an airplane to fly home.

It is a little concerning that my mood can be swung so easily. I used to live a very stable, though unhappy existence. Now I feel so much that it gets overwhelming sometimes, and takes very little bias to make large changes, sort of like a semiconductor. I guess I really am a trans-sister.

Thanks again, everyone. I love you all.

Stephanie

[KathyLauren]

takes very little bias to make large changes, sort of like a semiconductor. I guess I really am a trans-sister.

OK, folks, we have a new contender for groaner of the year! 

[steph2.0]

OK, folks, we have a new contender for groaner of the year! 

Geeze. I pour my heart out and what do they remember?

The year is young. I'm sure I'll come up with something better (worse) before the year is out.

Stephanie

[steph2.0]

I bet you're going to rock those skinny jeans.

I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.



Stephanieeeeeee

[KathyLauren]

Yep, you're rocking it sister!

And yes, while the groaner got my attention, I did note and appropriately delight in the levitation.

[Faith]

I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.



Stephanieeeeeee

There ya go. "Ah Likes It"

[Jayne01]

I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.



Stephanieeeeeee

I like the look Steph. Definitely squeeeeee worthy.

Also, nice trans-sister moment with the neighbors and their new plane. Isn't life so much more interesting being able to feel such a variety of emotions. I can't imagine ever going back to that humdrum 2 emotion person I used to be (the 2 emotions being happy or not happy).

Did I mention you are rocking those skinny jeans. Seriously! You've nailed it!!

Jayne

[Cassi]

I like the look Steph. Definitely squeeeeee worthy.

Also, nice trans-sister moment with the neighbors and their new plane. Isn't life so much more interesting being able to feel such a variety of emotions. I can't imagine ever going back to that humdrum 2 emotion person I used to be (the 2 emotions being happy or not happy).

Did I mention you are rocking those skinny jeans. Seriously! You've nailed it!!

Jayne

NIce

[SassyCassie]

I'm thinking this might be a Squeeee moment.



Stephanieeeeeee

Chica bonita!

Didn't I tell you that you need to have some skinny jeans in your life!

[SassyCassie]

Don't worry about self-dead-naming.  I have done it a couple of times.  The least damaging time, it was in a trans-friendly space to another trans-woman.  As I collapsed in self-mortification, she reassured me, "Don't worry.  We all do it."

So far, as I told Steph, I haven't accidentally deadnamed myself, though I have had to do it deliberately since I haven't changed my legal documents as yet. I think that might be because I talk to myself a lot. Usually, it goes something like:
"Focus, Cassie, focus."
"Slow it down Cassie."
"You've got this, Cassie"
"Cassie, don't say that, that's mean"

Maybe that's inadvertently made a difference. Of course, I never was the outgoing type who went around introducing myself to lots and lots of people, so that behavior never really got ingrained in my subconscious.

Steph, don't just "not worry about it". Stay aware of that behavior and make a conscious effort to change it. You've had the strength and emotional resilience to change so much else about yourself in such a short time that this will be a walk in the park for you. You're the one who's killin' it, Pretty Sister - bein' all sassy in your skinny jeans!

[SassyCassie]

  Both of you are looking good there but why is Cassie still in pajamas? Glad you two returned from this mysterious trip safe and sound. Did you two scarf down some delectable delights on the trip?

Well, like to be comfy when I'm out and about on the grounds of my estate.

That, and Steph is right - we spent most of the day just talking with each other and sharing secrets we had never told to a single other soul. That of course was after having coffee by the fireplace and some of Cassie's Culinary Curiosities for breakfast.

[steph2.0]

Well, things are definitely looking up (no short jokes, please) around the Steph Enclave. I received my second email communication from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai today. They're starting the communication process with my insurance company, and gave me a list of letters and records they need from my therapist, endocrinologist, and primary care doc. My insurance requires letters from two doctors, and Mt. Sinai will supply the second after our meetings. That means I won't have to find a second therapist around this area, though Cassie highly recommended her therapist for the second opinion.

In other news, this evening was another one of our trivia contest get-togethers. Sue ended up getting there late, so I was forced into a close social situation without her as a buffer, and it went fine. S, who is boss of our team, has known my story from the first time I joined them, and I think the two guys who were there have known for a while, too. I wasn't sure about the one guy's wife, but she used "he" and "she" interchangeably all evening, so somebody must have clued her in. It didn't bother me at all, especially after she complimented me on my bright red fingernails.

After the game was over (we lost miserably - what's Maverick's real first name in Top Gun?) I went to use the lady's room, and hokey smoke Bullwinkle, the room was full with women waiting for open stalls. And I mixed right in with no awkwardness or weirdness, even engaging in a little chatting. When I finally got into a stall I had a "YESSSS!!" moment.

From there we went to another restaurant to meet up with all my neighbors for a surprise birthday party for one of them. I was just another one of the gang, and even got a couple of the women into a conversation about finding me more feminine glasses. One of them I knew would be cool, but the other had given me the impression that she was putting a little space between us. I was surprised when she enthusiastically jumped right in with advice and recommendations. I count that as another win.

So let's see: Getting lots of loving and helpful advice from dear friends; moving forward on GCS; being correctly named and gendered by two neighbors and getting by with my voice while being introduced to a stranger; rockin' my new airplane earrings (haven't mentioned them yet, have I?); digging my new skinny jeans; navigating a social situation successfully; dealing with a full restroom; being welcomed once again as just another part of our extended family in the neighborhood; engaging with neighbors about feminizing myself. Oh, and being deputized to slap some sense into Laurie if needed. I think that qualifies as a pretty successful day.

Kinda puts Sunday's meltdown in the rearview mirror...

Stephanie

[SadieBlake]

Steph, you haven't heard? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet (and still have thorns).

I seem to be past deadnaming myself, it took most of 8 months and happened most often during context switches, say an unexpected turn in conversation or phone call that put me into a defensive mode. In short don't sweat it (or even glow over it).

As to being misgendered, try my life on for a while, as a non passable femme dyke I've been accepted into some lesbian organizations (yay) still even in these days of supposedly intersectional feminism had to explain myself to one of these and been rejected by another.

As to being misgendered, remember that happens to cis females also. Passing as female is harder than passing as male.

So on my end I passed my first big test this weekend, an annual sex party, heavily lgbtq, albeit with plenty of het attendees also. I spent much of my weekend close to nude wearing only lingerie, finally attending as a fairly complete me, no longer sporting that bulge. And I was every bit the wallflower I've been for the couple of decades I've been going to this. Still, I was approached by a lovely woman who turned out to be bisexual and we made love both Saturday and Sunday nights.

So I've finally had sex as a lesbian woman with a primarily lesbian woman. Something I've known I wanted long before I even realized I was trans. I'm still floating on an euphoric cloud :-).

This is all that matters to me. Holding and being held by someone who simply gets me is the best thing I could ask of this life and knowing that's happened now, I know it will happen again.

Your story and needs of course are different from mine. You're living your life and that's the main thing, don't get too hung up on the names and appearances.

[steph2.0]

Thank you Sadie, for the caring advice.

Yes, our stories are different, but happiness crosses all boundaries. When I tapped on your message, suddenly all this joy came running out of my phone all over the table. I'm dripping happy tears for you. Dreams do come true. ❤️


- Stephanie

[HappyMoni]

Well, things are definitely looking up (no short jokes, please) around the Steph Enclave. I received my second email communication from Dr. Ting's office at Mt. Sinai today. They're starting the communication process with my insurance company, and gave me a list of letters and records they need from my therapist, endocrinologist, and primary care doc. My insurance requires letters from two doctors, and Mt. Sinai will supply the second after our meetings. That means I won't have to find a second therapist around this area, though Cassie highly recommended her therapist for the second opinion.

In other news, this evening was another one of our trivia contest get-togethers. Sue ended up getting there late, so I was forced into a close social situation without her as a buffer, and it went fine. S, who is boss of our team, has known my story from the first time I joined them, and I think the two guys who were there have known for a while, too. I wasn't sure about the one guy's wife, but she used "he" and "she" interchangeably all evening, so somebody must have clued her in. It didn't bother me at all, especially after she complimented me on my bright red fingernails.

After the game was over (we lost miserably - what's Maverick's real first name in Top Gun?) I went to use the lady's room, and hokey smoke Bullwinkle, the room was full with women waiting for open stalls. And I mixed right in with no awkwardness or weirdness, even engaging in a little chatting. When I finally got into a stall I had a "YESSSS!!" moment.

From there we went to another restaurant to meet up with all my neighbors for a surprise birthday party for one of them. I was just another one of the gang, and even got a couple of the women into a conversation about finding me more feminine glasses. One of them I knew would be cool, but the other had given me the impression that she was putting a little space between us. I was surprised when she enthusiastically jumped right in with advice and recommendations. I count that as another win.

So let's see: Getting lots of loving and helpful advice from dear friends; moving forward on GCS; being correctly named and gendered by two neighbors and getting by with my voice while being introduced to a stranger; rockin' my new airplane earrings (haven't mentioned them yet, have I?); digging my new skinny jeans; navigating a social situation successfully; dealing with a full restroom; being welcomed once again as just another part of our extended family in the neighborhood; engaging with neighbors about feminizing myself. Oh, and being deputized to slap some sense into Laurie if needed. I think that qualifies as a pretty successful day.

Kinda puts Sunday's meltdown in the rearview mirror...

Stephanie

Steph,
   Glad you are feeling better. Especially like the part about slapping sense into Laurie. How do I sign up for that?
Moni

[steph2.0]

Report to Captain Jayne for deputization. Take a book. There may be a long line.


- Stephanie