Just
living...
In August of 2017 Sue and I attended our second social gathering of the Trans Support group in St. Pete, FL. A group of us went out to a local watering hole afterward, and someone mentioned that there was going to be a concert with the Florida Orchestra when they would be playing the music of Star Trek and Star Wars. A bunch of them already had tickets. It sounded like fun, so when we got home we ordered some.
I was still pretty terrified of going out in public, and it took all my courage to go out to the bar with them. I clearly remember wondering how far I would be in my transition when I attended on February 11, 2018, unimaginably far off in the future. Would I still be terrified? What would I wear? Would I still be dressing androgynously? Would people point and snicker? Would I even have the courage to go at all? Would I have lost all my friends by then? In my darker moments I even wondered would I still even exist then?
Tonight Sue and I met the same group who we'd hung out with that night back in August. We hadn't seen some of them since then. I wore a beautiful floral silk wrap dress and cute ballet flats. And I was completely at ease. In my purse was my ID and credit cards in my own name. I carried the knowledge that I hadn't lost a single friend, family member, or business associate as I'd come out. I moved through the crowds smiling, got my picture taken with some of the Star Wars cosplayers there, sat next to a stranger, stood in line in the ladies room, and had absolutely no trouble all night from anyone. I had an absolutely wonderful time. As me.
The first half of the concert was all Star Trek music, including an orchestral version of the penny whistle theme from the TNG episode
The Inner Light, judged to be the most popular episode of that series. I usually tear up when I see it on TV, but the power of hearing it live was too much, and I cried openly. The cool thing is I could do it all unashamedly.
The second half was all Star Wars music. I admit I don't know the movies all that well. I don't dislike them, but just never got back into them when they started back up with episode 1. But the sweeping majesty of John Williams' compositions harmonized with my thoughts on the journey I'd traveled in the seven months since we'd bought those tickets. The music illustrated the battles, confusion, victories, sad passages, and with the final theme, joyful marching forward into a brighter future that my life has been.
I suppose there will come a time when I look back on experiences like these with fond nostalgia or even wry humor, but while my anxiety is gone, it's all still novel enough that it induces a bit of euphoria. I simply couldn't stop grinning all night, except for the few times when the emotion of the music overcame me.
I was a bit sad when it was over. I didn't want it to end. But then I realized this isn't the end. It's only the beginning of a wonderful new life.
Just living.
Stephanie
