The Stephanie Chronicles

[steph2.0]

Now dearie, you just behave a leave those poor young boys alone. You are much too old for them and people will talk. You don't want people calling you a  .. Oh what's the word? Wolf? No, bear? No, oh yes coyote. Yes, that's it, a coyote.  You don't want people calling you a coyote do you?
  Now you just behave or I'll have to have the Caddie put you up on top of the fridge again.

[emoji23] Coyote!

I think it's a feline, like a panther or a mountain lion, or a... cougar!

Or maybe a lynx... or a minx.

Meeee-owww!

But seriously, this kid was cute, but not my type. More like a puppy dog. No worries. I have other interests.

And Caddies carry clubs. That sounds dangerous.

Stephanie

[Faith]

disclaimer: image from a shopping site

[Kendra]

> He was so cute I just wanted to pinch his little cheek

I could say something but I won't.   

...jeans or slacks?

[steph2.0]

I could say something but I won't.   

...jeans or slacks?

Well, I almost wrote I wanted to pat his little head, but I'm glad I didn't ...

[Stevi]

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger,

Congratulations on finally getting all those documents correct that have been in error all these many years.  Especially now that the loose end is taken care of, as well.  I am very jealous of you.  I have just started and I can't even get my hands on name change order that is at the court house for another four or five days.

Really glad you have complete this big step.  I'll go off into a corner and sulk for a few days.

Stephanie Rushelle Jones

[steph2.0]

Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger,

Congratulations on finally getting all those documents correct that have been in error all these many years.  Especially now that the loose end is taken care of, as well.  I am very jealous of you.  I have just started and I can't even get my hands on name change order that is at the court house for another four or five days.

Really glad you have complete this big step.  I'll go off into a corner and sulk for a few days.

Stephanie Rushelle Jones

Ah ah, Stevi, no sulking now! I just got started earlier. I remember feeling exactly as you do now when I filed the paperwork with the court back in November. It actually feels weird to be the experienced veteran at something here on Susan's. Altogether, it's been an almost 7 month ordeal. Just take it one step at a time and stay patient. Eventually you'll be celebrating, too!

Stephanie

[steph2.0]

Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.


A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.


Nails and brows!


Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

[Dani]

Had an incredibly awesome girls day out ... Then I got my brows waxed and tinted...

All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

Steph,

I am so happy for you.   

Having my brows done was the most feminizing cosmetic procedure I have done.

Eyebrow shaping works for you. Well done. 

[Northern Star Girl]

Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.


A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.


Nails and brows!


Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

Stephanie: A great update and a wonder post with terrific pictures. 
I have been enjoying following your thread and your updates.... and postings in other threads.
Seriously, your photos are wonderful to see.   Beautiful ladies.
Hugs, Danielle

[KathyLauren]

Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.


A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.


Nails and brows!


Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

Great pics, Stephanie!  You look very cute in that pink dress!

[Jayne01]

Had an incredibly awesome girls day out with Cassie today. We both got dressed up - I got to wear the new pink dress I bought last week, accented with turquoise jewelry.


A terrible picture of me in my new dress.

The morning started with us both getting our nails done. Later, lunch at a neat little restaurant in the cool little town where Cassie works. Then shop shop shop. Not much buying, but lots of wandering and looking and girl talk. Then I got my brows waxed and tinted, followed by dinner at PF Chang's.


Nails and brows!


Girl's day out

A little more shopping, then bunking at Cassie's so we can get a fairly early start on a bike ride in the morning. All day long we were both treated as the ladies we are. It was all so affirming - the new normal!

What an great day!

Stephanie

I love hearing about your new normal life, Steph. It's wonderful to see you so happy.

Was the bike ride the pedalling kind or motorbike? I really miss having a motorbike.

Jayne

[steph2.0]

Thank you, friends, for the nice comments.

I've kind of fallen into another of my depression holes the last couple of days, and I was starting to feel like there was little point in posting anything on my thread, since while I was seeing all kinds of activity on the other personal threads, mine went strangely quiet. It looked like @dani was the last person reading mine. So thanks again for letting me know you're out there.

We were discussing why I'm feeling so bad lately. Some of it is due to some intense things going on in my life which I won't discuss here, but some of it may be the lack of any new milestones in my transition. I passed so many of them in quick succession, with always something new to work on, and suddenly everything slowed to a crawl. My quest for GCS is stalled, with the latest message, received yesterday, saying they'd get back to me by June 30th. Hair removal is going at a snail's pace, with the electrologist limiting herself to 1 hour a week, with me driving 2.5 hours round trip. I want to pursue hair grafts but don't know where to start.

On top of that, even among those who wholeheartedly support me the misgendering and deadnaming continue. Even worse, when I think about what others may say about me in the internal dialogs many of us play in our heads, they invariably use my old name and male pronouns. This is my own brain doing this to me.

All of these things have me doubting myself, and combined with the paranoia when I see someone looking sideways at me, has the old dysphoria peaking again.

I thought I was past all this, but too many things are hitting me all at once. Maybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

Sigh

Stephanie

[Laurie]

 My Dear short S(((t)(e)ph)a)(ni)e,

  Is your refrigerator top cleaned off? You know the drill.  That's a good girl. Up you go.

  Now, what's all this I feel so bad nonsense? You know that kind of thing is no longer allowed for you. Yes I figure you are entitles to feel a little off from time to time, but you are not allowed to wallow in it until you feel like heck. You just stop it! You hear me? I said stop it and I mean stop it now! Your such a girl. If I wasn't one too I'd call you and emotional unstable teenager. This simply will not do.
  You have your support system and I know you know how to use it. Did you come to susan's and talk about what was bothering you? No. Did you reach out to Cassie or Kendra, or me or any number of others that might have been able to help? Well did you? You have the tools, Hun, now use them. You can get down from there when you do.

Lots of Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

Maybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

I heard something ... I think it was meaningful intent ...

[Jayne01]

Thank you, friends, for the nice comments.

I've kind of fallen into another of my depression holes the last couple of days, and I was starting to feel like there was little point in posting anything on my thread, since while I was seeing all kinds of activity on the other personal threads, mine went strangely quiet. It looked like @dani was the last person reading mine. So thanks again for letting me know you're out there.

We were discussing why I'm feeling so bad lately. Some of it is due to some intense things going on in my life which I won't discuss here, but some of it may be the lack of any new milestones in my transition. I passed so many of them in quick succession, with always something new to work on, and suddenly everything slowed to a crawl. My quest for GCS is stalled, with the latest message, received yesterday, saying they'd get back to me by June 30th. Hair removal is going at a snail's pace, with the electrologist limiting herself to 1 hour a week, with me driving 2.5 hours round trip. I want to pursue hair grafts but don't know where to start.

On top of that, even among those who wholeheartedly support me the misgendering and deadnaming continue. Even worse, when I think about what others may say about me in the internal dialogs many of us play in our heads, they invariably use my old name and male pronouns. This is my own brain doing this to me.

All of these things have me doubting myself, and combined with the paranoia when I see someone looking sideways at me, has the old dysphoria peaking again.

I thought I was past all this, but too many things are hitting me all at once. Maybe I'll go hang out with Faith so we can share our miseries.

Sigh

Stephanie

(((((HUG)))))

Im sorry you are in a slump, Steph. It is possible that all the excitement achieving your recent milestones has gotten you in a post adrenaline funk (that's a technical term by the way [emoji12] ). It's kind of like when people who work hard all their lives and then retire and don't know what to do with themselves. Of course, you still have some big milestones ahead of you (GCS comes to mind) but the milestones are no longer coming fast and furious as they have been. Enjoy the normal life you have found living as a woman. It has always been your dream. Your are living your dream now! The future milestones will all come in due course.

I am a little confused with your electrologist. Why is she limiting sessions to 1 hour per week? You previously mentioned that she would only do 1/2 hour per week. Is it to do with her schedule or the way your skin reacts to the treatment that she doesn't want to push the skin too hard. My sessions are down to 2.5 hours from 4 hours due to reaching my skin's limit and needing time to recover before the next session. We all have different skin types that react differently. What type of electrolysis are you doing? I am losing single probe thermolysis. Not saying one method is better than another but different methods may have different effect on skin reaction.

Please stop doubting yourself. Like Laurie said, you know what you need to do when you are down and need support. You know I am always here for you via PM or email or telephone. You have all my contact details.

Hope you feel better soon.

Jayne

[steph2.0]

I heard something ... I think it was meaningful intent ...

I'll say nothing more. Such things tend to be misinterpreted around here.

Stephanie

[steph2.0]

My Dear short S(((t)(e)ph)a)(ni)e,

  Is your refrigerator top cleaned off? You know the drill.  That's a good girl. Up you go.

  Now, what's all this I feel so bad nonsense? You know that kind of thing is no longer allowed for you. Yes I figure you are entitles to feel a little off from time to time, but you are not allowed to wallow in it until you feel like heck. You just stop it! You hear me? I said stop it and I mean stop it now! Your such a girl. If I wasn't one too I'd call you and emotional unstable teenager. This simply will not do.
  You have your support system and I know you know how to use it. Did you come to susan's and talk about what was bothering you? No. Did you reach out to Cassie or Kendra, or me or any number of others that might have been able to help? Well did you? You have the tools, Hun, now use them. You can get down from there when you do.

Lots of Hugs,
  Laurie

The fridge is too cluttered. No room for me up there. I'm sitting on the stove instead. I'm apparently in the hot seat.

Yes, there very likely are puberty issues involved. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, though.

I have done some reaching out privately, and my post was also part of that, I guess. Thanks for the hugs, anyway.

Stephanie

[steph2.0]

(((((HUG)))))

...you still have some big milestones ahead of you (GCS comes to mind) but the milestones are no longer coming fast and furious as they have been. Enjoy the normal life you have found living as a woman. It has always been your dream. Your are living your dream now! The future milestones will all come in due course.

I am a little confused with your electrologist. Why is she limiting sessions to 1 hour per week? You previously mentioned that she would only do 1/2 hour per week. Is it to do with her schedule or the way your skin reacts to the treatment that she doesn't want to push the skin too hard.

Please stop doubting yourself. Like Laurie said, you know what you need to do when you are down and need support. You know I am always here for you via PM or email or telephone. You have all my contact details.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, Jayne. Yes, as I mentioned earlier, it was suggested to me that the time between affirming victories has stretched out, and I'm in withdrawal from all the "wins" I was experiencing. But there are other forces at play that are like some in your life, which are to be kept private between the individuals involved, and which are having a very powerful effect on my mood.

As for the electrologist, she limits herself to one hour sessions because of her carpal tunnel syndrome. She is willing to do two hours in one day if she can take a 20 minute break between them. And I'm limiting it to once a week because I can't afford all the time away from home. I think she's using the blend system, heat and RF, but I'm not sure.  So far my skin deals with it pretty well. She's a real sweetheart, but considering the drive and the time limits, I'm thinking of finding someone closer - which still means a 1/2 hour drive each way, but at least it's better than 1:15.

Yes, I am doubting myself and feeling like I'm being constantly clocked, but that doesn't mean I'm not out there and doing the best I can. Just tonight I ran another meeting of our flying club, so even though I'm constantly wondering what other people see, I will never ever willingly go back to being Steve. I have been where you are now, and I know how hard living in the Inbetween World is. Hopefully you can use me as an example for how it's possible to deal with it and eventually move past it.

Thank you again for the good wishes and the hugs.

Stephanie

[Kendra]

This is difficult on so many levels.  Life without any of these changes is still full of unexpected challenges.  And did I mention this is difficult on so many levels. 

What do others see - sometimes that does matter, but it's too easy to let that take over and tangle up the pursuit of happiness. 

And yes, here's a hug.

[Jayne01]

Thank you, Jayne. Yes, as I mentioned earlier, it was suggested to me that the time between affirming victories has stretched out, and I'm in withdrawal from all the "wins" I was experiencing. But there are other forces at play that are like some in your life, which are to be kept private between the individuals involved, and which are having a very powerful effect on my mood.

As for the electrologist, she limits herself to one hour sessions because of her carpal tunnel syndrome. She is willing to do two hours in one day if she can take a 20 minute break between them. And I'm limiting it to once a week because I can't afford all the time away from home. I think she's using the blend system, heat and RF, but I'm not sure.  So far my skin deals with it pretty well. She's a real sweetheart, but considering the drive and the time limits, I'm thinking of finding someone closer - which still means a 1/2 hour drive each way, but at least it's better than 1:15.

Yes, I am doubting myself and feeling like I'm being constantly clocked, but that doesn't mean I'm not out there and doing the best I can. Just tonight I ran another meeting of our flying club, so even though I'm constantly wondering what other people see, I will never ever willingly go back to being Steve. I have been where you are now, and I know how hard living in the Inbetween World is. Hopefully you can use me as an example for how it's possible to deal with it and eventually move past it.

Thank you again for the good wishes and the hugs.

Stephanie

Hi Steph,
I've sent you a PM.

With the electrolysis, are you considering doing 2 hour sessions giving the electrologist the 20 minute break she needs? If it's the blend method, you would have an electrode places probably on your arm to complete the electrical circuit for the RF component. Thermolysis (what I am doing) has no electrode, just the probe. The electrical current doesn't pass through me, it purely serves as a method to heat the probe to zap the hair follicle. I think both methods are just as effective as each other and comes down to what the technician is trained on and prefers to use. Finding someone closer could be a benefit. I travel 2 hours each way for my appointments, hence my longer sessions. My electrologist is awesome, I would travel that distance to see her even if there was someone closer to me.

Feeling that you are constantly being clocked is due to your own self doubts. Most people take their cues by the way you project yourself. If you seem nervous or looking around wondering who may be staring m, it will draw attention to yourself and then people will start looking closer. If you act as the confident woman you know you can be, then people don't notice anything because you are just someone going about your business not drawing attention. Who is this Steve person you are referring to?

Steph, you have helped me in many ways along my own journey. Thank you.

Jayne