Despite that whining noise you continually hear from Florida, all is not doom and gloom here.
The Walmart PharmacyI've been fighting with Walmart pharmacy for months to get my name changed in their database. If you use their pharmacy through a web browser, be prepared for a battle to get it to display your correct name on the headers of all the pages, even if the name is correct on your prescriptions. Well, Monday they finally got it fixed! When I log in I no longer see "his" name there any more. What a relief!
Neighborhood DynamicsI think I've mentioned before about my problematic neighbor, who, while accepting and supportive, doesn't seem to be putting much effort into using the correct pronouns. Liz's profound statement about the value of someone using the correct pronouns has the flip side of the amount of damage they inflict by continually using the incorrect ones. I had been starting to avoid visiting with him just because I didn't want to hear "he" or "him" again, despite the wise advice of
@SassyCassie , who advised me that the only way to fix the problem was to spend
more time with him. Well, Tuesday I was out walking Maggie the Wunderhund, and he was working in his shop. So I took a deep breath and walked in. We talked about his project for a while, then I headed for the door, telling the Magster
come on, it's time to go. My neighbor looked at her and said, "You'd better go with her. She's ready to go!"
Shock and awe! I considered thanking him, but since one of the theories Cassie and I have discussed is that he's a little embarrassed by the whole thing, I didn't want to bring it up and make things awkward. I just smiled and headed home, with a little "squeee" bouncing around my skull.
Halfway down the street, a neighbor who I'd worried about because of her deeply religious convictions shouted over, "Steph! Can we talk about your internet service?" We've been having service problems (I wrote about this a short time ago) and while mine is back up, she's still fighting with hers. As the pet geek in the neighborhood I often get consulted about such things. I was just unsure how this particular neighbor would interact with me until now. And once again, it was fine.
Self-confidence and The VoiceUp until now whenever I needed my hair done, I've gone with Cassie to the salon she's been using. I've been leaning on her for strength in such situations, but our schedules aren't lining up too well lately, and her salon is an hour and a half away - and yeah, I have been growing a slight amount of self-confidence lately, so as I did when I started getting my nails done locally, I went on the hunt for a hair salon closer to home. I have two friends here in the neighborhood who are not just accepting and supportive, but outright encouraging. So I texted them both, asking if they could recommend someone close by. Well, actually, the way I phrased the question was, "Hi ladies! Can either of you recommend a good local hair salon that wouldn't mind taking me?" I got a suggestion from each of them, and I wrote back about one of them, "Thanks! I may check it out. Hopefully she wouldn't have a problem with me." Oh, that was the wrong thing to say. One of my friends jumped on me about that: "Steph, it's time to quit segregating yourself. No one sees you as different, only you. You have to start convincing yourself you are just like anyone else."
That was serious food for thought. I thanked her and admitted to being my own worst enemy, but I'm getting better. Heck, I've been getting my nails done in the nail place in Walmart for a couple of months now. So now the thought was should I out myself to them before I make an appointment? I'd done that when I set up with a new electrocutioner, but that's a little different, since there's no way to avoid the fact that this somewhat feminine looking person is getting a beard removed. So I decided, no, I'm not going to tell the salon. The next reason for anxiety: my phone voice. I've been practicing, but it still sounds unconvincing to me. Any calls I've made lately have been to places that see records when I call that state I'm female, so the name and pronouns haven't been a problem. Not in this case, with a cold call. So I got cold feet and went looking for a way to set up an appointment online. And I found one. I started through the process of checking their calendar, then paused. With what my neighbor had said to me, along with the advice from Cassie to
do it now, echoing in my head, I thought,
"No, I need to make that call!" I closed the web site and grabbed my phone. And it was fine. I even got ma'amed toward the end of the call (of course, she'd gotten my name by then). But I'm thinking maybe the voice is started to be a little believable. It still takes a lot of effort, but maybe it's getting better. I have an appointment for next Wednesday for cut, color, highlights, and style. And I felt great when I hung up.
A surprise, and the need to be your complete self 24/7.This evening I was once again walking Margaret, and I stopped at another neighbor's home. I sat in their living room just talking about neighborly things, and using a relaxed semblance of my phone voice. I figured it was safe to let my guard down a little, since we know each other so well, but I also wanted them to get used to the idea that there were other things besides my outward appearance that were changing.
Well, it's a good thing I was trying a little bit. I didn't know they had a house guest. Their friend came out of the back room while we were sitting there. The cool thing is my neighbor introduced me correctly - and not just as
Steph as many of them do, but as
Stephanie, which I've come to prefer. I'm pretty sure I've met this guy before in a previous life, but there was no weirdness. We chatted a little more, and I made sure to take a little more care with the voice, and then it was time to go. Everything was fine, but considering that I think we've met before, I have to wonder what they talked about after I left. Doesn't really matter, I guess...
When I told Cassie about it, she used it as an illustration on why it's so important to use the voice, mannerisms, and overall presentation 100% of the time once you've gone full-time. You never know when you're going to be surprised. The biggest obstacle for me is getting over the embarrassment of using my voice in front of my wife. That's something I need to address, and I'm slowly getting there.
So there you have it. Something every day that started with anxiety and ended with validation and growth. I went back and read my post from just before my latest misgendering incident and realize how quickly and far a stupid thing like that set me back, but I'm starting to rebound. I think I'll be all right.
Stephanie
