When did you stop worrying about passing?

[Just Mandy]

This may seem like a silly question, but when did you start
to feel comfortable in private and then in public?

Did it take HRT, or was it FFS?
Or when you developed a passable voice?

[Berliegh]

This may seem like a silly question, but when did you start
to feel comfortable in private and then in public?

Did it take HRT, or was it FFS?
Or when you developed a passable voice?

I have always had a passable voice but as time goes on you do get more relaxed and worry less. It's taken me about 10 years to worry less but passing was never a problem for me but I still worried about it should the problem arise one day...

[gothique11]

I haven't worried about it in a long time. I'm stealth at work, for example. I just really don't have passing issues. I guess I stopped worrying when people stopped calling me sir... which has been a while now.

But, still, even with that, sometimes I'm down on myself and think I look horrible despite "passing" in other people's eyes. Only on rare occasions someone figures out my Trans history because they know trans people, etc. Or knows me from here, or other places. A lot of people know about me, actually. I'm all over the city, so it's kind of hard to completely hide. But now I have an odd mix of friends who know and those who don't know. I don't really worry if people find out or figure it out (some do eventually). I am who I am. But, yes, sometimes it can be annoying because some people will treat you differently if they know, while others will not. I only worry if the wrong person finds out and tries to hurt me.

At work, however, I like not having people know and not having customers know. I actually turned down a job that pays $16.50 at an IT place because I have a friend that works there and decided to tell everyone about me because he thought it would be cool that I work there... I was pissed. I didn't want to have a trans label on me. I wanted people just to get to know me who I am, without labels first.... I find it works better that way. So, yeah, I didn't take that job and took a job at a Drug store for $10.20 instead. It's less money, but at least I don't have to run around having to constantly answer questions about my trans history -- instead, people can get to know me for who I am now. It's a wonderful feeling, and very liberating to have people take me as I am, rather than having a label on me.


--natalie

[Wing Walker]

In my case I have two answers.

I was on HRT for 24 days when I appeared in public wearing an acrylic wig, sleeveless button-down top, shorts, upgraded flip-flops, a pound of Cover Girl makeup, carrying a purse so tiny it couldn't hold a pack of matches, and I didn't care!  I was bold, and I walked like Good Queen Bess.  I was not easy on the eyes and I was not hard to spot.

Sanity set-in and I got more organized.

I bought a good quality human hair wig, learned how to use makeup from a Mary Kay rep, and started to go shopping on evenings and weekends.

The day I reported to work was the day that I stopped worrying about passing. 

Wing Walker

[Berliegh]

In my case I have two answers.

I was on HRT for 24 days when I appeared in public wearing an acrylic wig, sleeveless button-down top, shorts, upgraded flip-flops, a pound of Cover Girl makeup, carrying a purse so tiny it couldn't hold a pack of matches, and I didn't care!  I was bold, and I walked like Good Queen Bess.  I was not easy on the eyes and I was not hard to spot.

Sanity set-in and I got more organized.

I bought a good quality human hair wig, learned how to use makeup from a Mary Kay rep, and started to go shopping on evenings and weekends.

The day I reported to work was the day that I stopped worrying about passing. 

Wing Walker

That sounds like an awful start......and I never did anything like that! I always tried to be as natural as I could from day one......I was more girls jeans and plain blouse and no make up...

[Shana A]

Within the first few months of transition/rlt, I stopped worrying about passing. I felt that I shouldn't have to do this or that because of societal expectations of what I should look like. I still cared about looking good, for me, not for others. I realized that I wasn't a makeup wearing type, so I went natural from then on. I figured people were going to see what they wanted to see anyway. If they saw woman, or man in womans' clothes, not much I could do about that.

y2g

[Hypatia]

The day I went fulltime. Like throwing a switch, it seemed to simply shut off my nagging sense of unease about going out in public and allow me to get on with living as a woman, to the point where I actually forget that I'm trans. This was a huge relief and my life has felt blessed ever since.

Besides, by that point I was already being perceived as the woman I am, so I had nothing to worry about anyway. The only hurdle I needed to get over was my own insecurity, and going fulltime removed that.

[BCL]

The day I went fulltime. Like throwing a switch, it seemed to simply shut off my nagging sense of unease about going out in public and allow me to get on with living as a woman, to the point where I actually forget that I'm trans. This was a huge relief and my life has felt blessed ever since.

Besides, by that point I was already being perceived as the woman I am, so I had nothing to worry about anyway. The only hurdle I needed to get over was my own insecurity, and going fulltime removed that.

Yes.... absolutely the same for me, If I was worried about passing that had to stop when I went full time. You cant live, work, relate to everyone when your head is full of paranoia and self doubt.

Rebecca

[Kate]

"Worry" would be too strong a word, but it's still a concern of mine, even after 15 months HRT... sorta.

I don't obsess and freak and let it stop me in any way. And casual encounters like shopping, going out to dinner, picking up pizza, etc. are no problem. Pushing my way through hundreds of people at the courthouse and dealing with guards and clerks (name change), walking down streets, casually saying Hi to people... no problem.

What still bugs me is DEALING with people in more intimate (not sexual) encounters. Like yesterday, two phone reps (younger women) dropped in at the office and I had to shoo them away. But that meant discussing things with them for awhile, giving them a LONG time to figure things out. And what drives me crazy is I have NO way to know if they did or not. I watch people's eyes and expressions, and wait for some sign... but don't see it, and wonder if 'm just missing it.

I know I shouldn't care. But I do. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I hate making OTHER people feel uncomfortable, and I fear that when/if they figure me out, they'll get weird about it... but they can't SAY anything of course, and we'll both be standing there with this huge "elephant in the room" we're pretending doesn't exist.

We have a new employee, for example. She only knows me as Kate, she never met me from before. She's been here a month or more now, and we talk all the time, but... I have no idea if she knows or not. And that makes me CRAZY, lol. Whether she knows or not, she treats me like any other woman, so it doesn't matter. But STILL... it's just so odd to be talking to someone, and not know if they know.

For what it's worth though, I've NEVER had a laugh and point. Never a sir. That doesn't mean people don't read me now and then, but at LEAST the end result, either way, is that I get to live a pretty darn normal life as Kate... if only I could get over myself, as it seems everyone ELSE has, lol...

~Kate~

[tinkerbell]

When no one could perceive/detect that I had been born with a male birth defect....

tink

[melissa90299]

When no one couldn't perceive/detect that I had been born with a male birth defect....

tink

What she said.  Thanks Tink! 

When no one couldn't? You mean when no one could detect... So this means one needs to know that no one could possibly read them EVER before one stops "worrying" about it. That is an awfully high bar to achieve and not possible for virtually anyone who transitions after, say, 21. Some people have perceptive abilities that go beyond the five senses.

I ran into a woman yesterday who obviously thought she was stealth and she apparently picked up on the fact that I read her, she was absolutely horrified and became speechless. I would hate to have to live in that kind of prison. Of course, there are only so many people like me around so you two are probably safe.

[Ember Lewis]

There's so many things I want done like a nose job, GRS etc and I think those things will give me greater confidence. Most of the time I am fine but some days I feel aufull and think everyone knows, but when I look around no one is looking at me. So I think it's just in my head, but I don't let it stop me from doing anything. I have a feeling even after surgeries I may still have days when I feel I look bad and everyone knows. The funny thing is every girl gets down days, and we M/F are no exception.

[Annie143]

I haven't reached that point yet. I've come to terms with it and so this is way out of the question for me. I've always been really self conscious to an extent. I'm still coming to terms with it personally, and have told a few friends and many online friends. I hope to one day stop worrying about passing. This thread gives me some hope, in a sense. :3

[Hypatia]

And what drives me crazy is I have NO way to know if they did or not. I watch people's eyes and expressions, and wait for some sign... but don't see it, and wonder if 'm just missing it.

Actually, Kate, I'm aware of thoughts like that in me. The difference is that I quit worrying about it. Here's why: I have the right to be who I am. It is really no one else's business.

[Kate]

And what drives me crazy is I have NO way to know if they did or not. I watch people's eyes and expressions, and wait for some sign... but don't see it, and wonder if 'm just missing it.

Actually, Kate, I'm aware of thoughts like that in me. The difference is that I quit worrying about it. Here's why: I have the right to be who I am. It is really no one else's business.

See, it all feels a little different for me. Hard to explain. I'm not really "asserting" myself, OR hiding. I'm just, you know, Kate. I don't have a problem being me. I have a problem with making people feel awkward, and for feeling deceptive or like I'm fooling them (and thus MAKING a fool of them).

I'm perfectly comfortable around people who know my history, including complete strangers (who I either have to tell for some reason, or know someone told them, etc.).

And I'm comfortable being around people who I know have no clue, and who aren't likely to guess my secret anytime soon.

What bugs me are situations where people don't know, and MIGHT be about to figure it out. It's the anticipation of that awkward moment, that flash of "oh!" I fear is about to appear in someone's eyes, and then the awkwardness which would follow. Not because I'm ashamed, or care if they have a problem with it, but just because I don't want anyone to ever think I'm out to "fool" them, or to MAKE fools of them. I HATE feeling deceptive, and for anyone to ever think of me that way... just really hurts and would break my heart.

I know, I know, I have ISSUES, lol...

~Kate~

[melissa90299]

And what drives me crazy is I have NO way to know if they did or not. I watch people's eyes and expressions, and wait for some sign... but don't see it, and wonder if 'm just missing it.

Actually, Kate, I'm aware of thoughts like that in me. The difference is that I quit worrying about it. Here's why: I have the right to be who I am. It is really no one else's business.

What people think of me is none of my business.

[Keira]

I know the feeling Kate.
On a daily basis I don't think now about having
to be anything but myself.
If I HAVE to tell someone, I'm matter of fact
about and smile, and there is no awkwarness.
What I dislike is when people discover my "secret"
when see my payment cards (debit and credit)
are not all changed.
It annoys me a bit. But, that's soon to be finished,
most will be done next week! Yay.
In general, I just softly smile and continue as
if nothing happened.

[Kate]

What people think of me is none of my business.

I can't be like that. Maybe I'm not enlightened or whatever, but it *matters* to me that I'm liked and, if blessed, even loved. If in being me now, I found that I was constantly ridiculed and hated, I'd... I don't know. I don't think I could make it. I need their acceptance, pathetic as that may sound. I need to know they like me, that I belong.

These people - The Public - have been incredibly kind to me. God help them, they even seem to LIKE me, even knowing that I'm trans. So I can't help but feel like I owe them my trust. I'm PART of them, I AM them, so for me to deceive them by pretending to be a genetic female seems unfair, untrusting even. Like I don't believe in THEM, in their kindness enough to trust them to STILL like me if they "knew."

Great, now I have myself in tears for some reason... it's like I desperately want them to FORGIVE ME, once and for all. If I could just get the entire world into one room, and beg for their forgiveness for what I'm about to do... for this "deception" I'm sinking deeper and deeper into...

~Kate~

[katia]

Of course, there are only so many people like me around so you two are probably safe.

of course!  we (and i include myself) are a different breed!  i'm one of the it girls (no pun intended)

[lisagurl]

What people think of me is none of my business

This is a social world which few can live without others. Your success depends on what others think.