Starting HRT when you're only 80% sure

[Jenny94]

Hey guys, thanks so much for taking the time to post your stuff, I've found it really helpful.

That sucks I'm sorry to hear it, were im from you only have to be over 18 and not oblivously crazy. The docs might want to talk it out and take it slow but its really your choice.

Wow! Sounds like heaven. Actually, it sounds like common sense, but you know what they say about common sense...

There was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less.  So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT.  Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.

Yeah! I'm going for LHR too. Can't wait. It'll be nice not to have to bother about that every day, since I find shaving physically painful and a bit humiliating. Was actually reading some blogs earlier today by cis women with facial hair, and that made me feel a bit better about having to shave (for the moment).

I think you'll hear a lot of confirmation and selection bias on this site. Finding a competent professional and being straightforward and honest with them will benefit you.

Good point! I'm starting counselling next week and it's through the university, so I expect someone with trans knowledge (or at least sympathetic). Hopefully I can work things out more fully with them.

Forgive me, but I disagree. I think you'll be telling them what you want them to hear, but as we say, YMMV.

You're right, of course. I'll say whatever I need to to get the "transsexual" diagnosis, but I suck at lying, so it'll just be selective truth-telling, as I've been recommended by people IRL.

I don't think you're going to run into the brick wall you imagine to be there.  You're pretty recognizably transsexual by your self-description, and they are there to help you.   Hormones are a mostly reversible intervention, and they will generally do what you want. 

I do hope so...Sorry I snapped at you by the way.

Laurie, thank you for showing me your earlier post. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my uncertainties! Basically, I can accept anything about myself if I can tell myself I'm not the only one. (Which is absurd, I know.) Are the nagging doubts still there?

I'll reply to the rest of you later, when I've got more time

J x

[Laurie]

  Laurie, thank you for showing me your earlier post. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my uncertainties! Basically, I can accept anything about myself if I can tell myself I'm not the only one. (Which is absurd, I know.) Are the nagging doubts still there?

J x

That post was just one of many like it since I began posting here. I'm 9 months in and living full time for just about 3 months now, so such doubts don't assail me as often. Though I do have the same difficulties with each bigger step I contemplate. It's like I am still trying to hold onto that get out of jail card as a friend pointed out to me in the wee small hours of this morning. One of the big ones for me is when I think of changing my legal name and documents.  Each step serves to lock me into this transition more and more and though I am sure this is exactly what I must do to be myself it still scares me with that "What if I am wrong?" feeling. I know I'm not but it's still there.
  I envy those that are sure.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Jenny94, doubting is normal and everyone goes through it. Even after starting. I would say I was 90% sure when I started hormones and then went to 60% after 2 months... not because of the hormones per se (I was happy and excited about the changes) but because life got in the way and I started doubting if I was doing the right thing. I'm slowly regaining my confidence and I'm taking my pills after stopping for a couple of weeks.

So when in doubt, don't freak out. We all go through the same.


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[Roll]

Hi Jenny, I just wanted to say that I'm right there alongside you. You summed up my thoughts exactly in that I picture a future as female, and that being male just feels like standing still. The problem is that standing still feels alluringly safe at times. I have a hard time putting a percentage to my "sureness", though it's certainly not 100% by a longshot.

My confidence in my decision is undermined by stray thoughts constantly... I think things like I'm fairly attractive as a male, I could have a solid life, a solid future. Maybe not the life I want most, but a safe life where I don't have to fear being murdered by a date, laughed at or ridiculed. Where I don't have to fight for jobs, insurance coverage over medical bills, and pretty much everything else. A life where I don't have to have what that particularly dreaded discussion with family... Despite those thoughts though, I know that I'm pushing forward towards starting HRT regardless. I even originally wanted to lose more weight first and start at the beginning of next year, but I am feeling more and more like I can't wait and would rather suffer weight loss while on HRT.

And while we often share similar experiences here, we of course think about things and approach them differently. So I don't know if this well help, but on the off chance it does, here is my thought about why I am pushing forward to HRT despite the doubts. I tend to be an analytical person, and my reliance on what feels like logic has gotten me into trouble. It has led to the path of least resistance many times over, doing the safe thing over the gamble. I've used logic essentially as an excuse to put things off indefinitely, including dealing with this issue. So this time I've tried to look at things in a different light, even if still logically, and try not to reason my way into cowardice again. Instead I am pushing myself by using said logic to go for the gamble and set whats "safe" to the side, because like you I am sick of standing still. This all hinges on a few simple things, one leading into the next...
1) Even if I'm unsure of transitioning, I'm definitely transgender.
2) All of the wonderful men and women here who have more experience than I have often one thing in common above all else: Their dysphoria grew. It didn't go away, and it reached a point where they were forced to transition in their 50s, 60s, and maybe older in some cases.
3) Even if my dysphoria is manageable now, and "staying male" is "safe"... Shear numbers say this will most likely not continue to be the case. So why wait? Why wait until I'm approaching 60 and I'm at that inevitable do or die moment instead of just biting the bullet and getting it over with? Because as scary and unsure as I am about doing it at 35, I'm far more scared and unsure about doing this at 55.
4) So essentially... I have my answer and my confidence in my decision despite my not being completely sure. At times maybe not even the 80% you say you have. But I firmly believe that doing the easy thing, the safe thing is a siren's call, that can only cause me heartache in the end.

[LaRell]

I made the mistake one time of telling my family that "Of course I'm not sure about all of this!" when they were giving me a hard time about the whole thing.  And of course my mother LOVES to use that against me now!  "You said you weren't sure, so I just want to explore all options and try to figure out if this is really what you need to do!" As she reads every last one of Walt Heyer's books which very much imply that being transgender is a mental illness brought on by childhood trauma.  Gag me!

  Anyway, I am just a little over 2 months on MTF HRT now.  The instant I started taking it, I had this feeling of euphoria come over me.  And I still to this day, feel it.  I'm feeling it right now.  It's like a took a really good drug.  ha ha.  I had to double check that I was actually prescribed Estradiol and not oxycodone by mistake or something.  It's awesome!  And I realize that everyone responds differently to it.  But that is the way my body in particular responds to it, and I'm not complaining one bit!  I guess my point for saying that..........I too was not 100 percent sure when I started.  However, after taking the HRT, it made me feel so good, which in turn made me feel confident that I was doing the right thing.   A recent development, is that my nipples pretty consistently hurt for the past few days, and are far more sensitive, and I can feel actual breast tissue growing.  It's very exciting!  Also about to start on my laser hair removal on my face which my wife bought me for an anniversary gift because she knows I am dying to get rid of my facial hair.   That will help boost my confidence a LOT.   You can always start on HRT for a while, and if it doesn't feel right, you can stop.  I don't believe it will cause any permanent damage to anything.  But taking it, may do what it did for me, and make you feel so good, that you become confident in your decision to continue.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Jenny, I just wanted to say that I'm right there alongside you. You summed up my thoughts exactly in that I picture a future as female, and that being male just feels like standing still. The problem is that standing still feels alluringly safe at times. I have a hard time putting a percentage to my "sureness", though it's certainly not 100% by a longshot.

My confidence in my decision is undermined by stray thoughts constantly... I think things like I'm fairly attractive as a male, I could have a solid life, a solid future. Maybe not the life I want most, but a safe life where I don't have to fear being murdered by a date, laughed at or ridiculed. Where I don't have to fight for jobs, insurance coverage over medical bills, and pretty much everything else. A life where I don't have to have what that particularly dreaded discussion with family... Despite those thoughts though, I know that I'm pushing forward towards starting HRT regardless. I even originally wanted to lose more weight first and start at the beginning of next year, but I am feeling more and more like I can't wait and would rather suffer weight loss while on HRT.

And while we often share similar experiences here, we of course think about things and approach them differently. So I don't know if this well help, but on the off chance it does, here is my thought about why I am pushing forward to HRT despite the doubts. I tend to be an analytical person, and my reliance on what feels like logic has gotten me into trouble. It has led to the path of least resistance many times over, doing the safe thing over the gamble. I've used logic essentially as an excuse to put things off indefinitely, including dealing with this issue. So this time I've tried to look at things in a different light, even if still logically, and try not to reason my way into cowardice again. Instead I am pushing myself by using said logic to go for the gamble and set whats "safe" to the side, because like you I am sick of standing still. This all hinges on a few simple things, one leading into the next...
1) Even if I'm unsure of transitioning, I'm definitely transgender.
2) All of the wonderful men and women here who have more experience than I have often one thing in common above all else: Their dysphoria grew. It didn't go away, and it reached a point where they were forced to transition in their 50s, 60s, and maybe older in some cases.
3) Even if my dysphoria is manageable now, and "staying male" is "safe"... Shear numbers say this will most likely not continue to be the case. So why wait? Why wait until I'm approaching 60 and I'm at that inevitable do or die moment instead of just biting the bullet and getting it over with? Because as scary and unsure as I am about doing it at 35, I'm far more scared and unsure about doing this at 55.
4) So essentially... I have my answer and my confidence in my decision despite my not being completely sure. At times maybe not even the 80% you say you have. But I firmly believe that doing the easy thing, the safe thing is a siren's call, that can only cause me heartache in the end.

Roll, you basically summed up how I feel. Especially the part about feeling attractive as a male and despite the doubts fearing that the dysphoria will grow anyways and you'll be forced to transition later in life, while you could've done it in your youth.

Sent you a DM.


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[RobynD]

If i had to be 80% sure of anything to move on in life, i am not sure i would get a lot done. Seriously though i get how monumental of a decision this is. Everything has to be weighed against your life's priorities, health, relationships etc.

Still, we know how persistent this need is and how many of us can't imagine the alternative. Many of us would not have survived. Some of us have regrets but it is also possible to have regrets and it still being the right decision. Nothing in life is ever clear cut.

There is love to be had out there regardless of the decision made. Becoming your genuine self will likely have benefits you haven't even dreamed of.

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

Hormones will help you decide if it's right or wrong. Most people gain clarity and feel 100% certain about transitioning after starting hormones.

[Antonia J]

I'm not sure you can ever be 100%. There is just so much unknown, even after you start. Several people here, including me, started and then stopped. Aside from some small boob tissue that remains, most things are reversible up to four or five months. Maybe go forward, see if it feels right, and if it doesn't then go off the HRT and re-examine life and what feels right for you. The goal is to lessen your dysphoria, and if it works, then bonus. Even in four or five months you will experience changes, and have plenty of oh ->-bleeped-<- moments that will let you question if you are on the right path.

My stopping the first time was to address some baggage I couldn't carry along into transition, and do some work on myself to get my emotional and physical life in order. A few years later, I started again. So far so good. I wouldn't have been able to address the other issues if I had not started the first time, and discovered I needed to do some work first.

Good luck!

[Mikaela]

When I first started on HRT a few months ago, it was awesome! Since then a certain amount of uncertainty has crept in, mostly around the details and complexities surrounding the social side of transitioning. However, the idea of stopping HRT is never something I seriously entertain. It just feels so good and so right. My breasts a getting large enough that I have to start deciding what to do next, but I've decided I'm going to stop stressing over it so much. I look at it as a similar experience to a 12 year old girl. It's awkward to her, too, for her body to start changing, but she figures it out. It's inevitable. It's going to happen. I'll figure it out.


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[kat69]

My experience is that you need to live it to know if it is right for you.  It does take some time for effects to occur and even longer for Them to become permanent.  The mental and emotional transition while on HRT made me realize that the physical transformations were just the icing on the cake...that this process was making me whole.

[sophie89]

i would say i began HRT being 50% sure
i was concerned wether my transsesuality was a sexuak fantasy driven thing
Well, thanks to HRT i was conviced it had nothing to do woth this
Then i explored what it means to be a women on the inside way before the exteriors beagan to change
and that was a big thing!