Starting HRT when you're only 80% sure

[Jenny94]

Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....

Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.

So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)

But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.

J xx

[LadyGreen]

Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....

Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.

So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)

But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.

J xx

I would be honest with your docs cause otherwise you might not get the best advice.

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[Jenny94]

I'll be honest with my counsellors. Not with the docs. They have a form to fill, and I'm not keen on being a victim of the system...

[Tammy Jade]

Be honest with everyone.
Doubts are normal and most gender specialists will understand that.

You need to be honest with your gender councillor and endo. They will have seen many other transgender people and will understand.


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[rmaddy]

You don't have to be 100% sure.  There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.

In my case, my counselor is also my psychiatrist.  He had prescribed a couple of antidepressants which I didn't tolerate very well.  He suggested estrogen since much of my depression was due to gender dysphoria.  I said I wasn't sure and he said, "no, of course not."

Maybe I was just lucky as hell with my physician, but I don't think that my experience was atypical.  I recommend telling the truth to your counselors.  They aren't just gatekeepers; they have something real to offer.

[Jenny94]

You don't have to be 100% sure.  There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.

Phew. That's good to hear.

But yeah, the people here who actually prescribe hormones, they won't do it unless I qualify as "transsexual". If that sounds mediaeval, that's because it is. I'll work things out with my counsellor, but at the gender clinic, it's a test, there's no two ways about it. If they get a whiff of non-binary, it's an extra year's wait.

[rmaddy]

I'm telling you straight out from experience that isn't true. 

[LadyGreen]

Phew. That's good to hear.

But yeah, the people here who actually prescribe hormones, they won't do it unless I qualify as "transsexual". If that sounds mediaeval, that's because it is. I'll work things out with my counsellor, but at the gender clinic, it's a test, there's no two ways about it. If they get a whiff of non-binary, it's an extra year's wait.

That sucks I'm sorry to hear it, were im from you only have to be over 18 and not oblivously crazy. The docs might want to talk it out and take it slow but its really your choice.

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[Jenny94]

I'm telling you straight out from experience that isn't true.

What experience? You've gone through the system in the UK as an NB, have you?

[Dena]

Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.

Doubt is normal however the above doesn't sound to me like you are attracted to a male identity or a non binary. It sounds about as close to transsexual as you get.

[Kendra]

I had a different solution. 

There was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less.  So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT.  Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.

Now I am about to go full time with one less thing to deal with.  Makeup takes 5 minutes or less, I don't wear foundation.  I really like HRT now but that didn't solve one of my former barriers to MtF transition - facial hair.

[AshleyP]

You don't have to be 100% sure.  There IS no way to be 100% sure until you try it.

And, conversely, you may not be 100% sure even after you start.

There was a time I was less than 80% sure - quite a bit less.  So I went for laser hair removal and got serious about electrolysis, and almost finished that before starting HRT.  Here's my reasoning: if I didn't transition, at least I wouldn't have to scrape my stubble every day forever as I age.

Kendra, I wish I'd had the foresight to do that. Would be one less thing to worry about. My beard is gray now, so laser isn't an option any more.

But, well, what do you guys think?

I think you'll hear a lot of confirmation and selection bias on this site. Finding a competent professional and being straightforward and honest with them will benefit you.

So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life)

Forgive me, but I disagree. I think you'll be telling them what you want them to hear, but as we say, YMMV.

All the best,
--AshleyP

[rmaddy]

What experience? You've gone through the system in the UK as an NB, have you?

US, but my thinking was at least as NB as yours is right now at the time.  I was still actively looking for a way not to transition at the time.

I don't think you're going to run into the brick wall you imagine to be there.  You're pretty recognizably transsexual by your self-description, and they are there to help you.   Hormones are a mostly reversible intervention, and they will generally do what you want. 

[Laurie]

Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....

But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.

J xx

Hi Jenny,

  Yes, you are in the right place. So just relax and settle yourself in.

To answer your question as to whether any of us have had the doubts  that we were doing the right thing I'll offer you a short post of mine from lat January. I had already been taking spiro and estradiol for a couple of months at the time. I think it will answer your question.
btw I was going by Jeanette back then.

Hi Asche

  I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.

  I also do not think it is learning more about me
  There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.

   Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
  When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.

  I'm not sure that makes any sense.

Jeanette

  Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.

[sarah1972]

When I started HRT it was clearly intended to be a trial to see how I feel and I gave myself 6 month to see. I was maybe at 75% sure when I went to the doctor to get my prescription. At 80% when I picked up the blue pills an hour later... Within 2 weeks I was at 90% and within 3 month I knew that this was it!

9 month in now and no intention to stop. Do I still have doubts? Oh yes. Every day. Do I see how my live has changed for the better? Every day when I look in the mirror and see a happy face no matter what live throws at me. And just being able to look at myself in the mirror is something I regard as one of the greatest changes...

Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....

But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.

J xx

[Devlyn]

Jenny,  I  don't know what to tell you, and I wish you the best. I was getting ready to tell you just be honest, then I read UK. 

If you read my orchiectomy story, I  told my whole NB truth. The therapist wrote a Standard Trans Narrative letter for me because the insurance company does require certain language and conditions. Again, I wish you the best navigating the minefield.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Ashley3]

... and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, ...

When I started HRT I was under the impression it was anything but reversible from a fertility standpoint. This is based on the notion that some studies (which I don't know about concretely but believed the source which told me) revealed there seemed to be potential connections indicating that any consumption of female hormones by a genetic male body may permanently effect the nature of what otherwise seem like healthy sperm. With that in mind, even if I had to stopped HRT only after one week (where I'd likely still have active sperm) there was a chance relying on that sperm could be inadvisable. Even if overly cautious, I didn't want to mess around with problematic fertility so I treated that warning as a certainty.

For this reason I decided not begin any HRT until I was sure and ready I'd never want to rely on my own biological fertility. For me this meant being past successful cryo, trusting the cryo as my new biological clock, and being past using my body for fertility purposes for the rest of my life.

I agree with others... there is no 100% in that there is no guarantee how you'll feel until after taking steps but that's no reason not to clearly perceive your own concerns. HRT is not to be taken lightly. I waited for 9 months after full approval and availability of HRT before beginning. In that 9 month period, I wanted to start so badly... I wanted what I felt were the results but was uncertain of compromising my fertility... I wasn't sure I trusted cryo... I wanted to understand how I'd feel should there be an earthquake the jeopardized my cryo (they are protected from that but mistakes can happen in life). I got to a good point where it was time... so I began.

I found waiting for 100% certainty to largely be a good excuse to avoid risk to the point of compromising health. Life can sometimes be toxic without healthy or well-thought out risk... it's tough because risk is risk so one must assume risk when taking risks. I wouldn't use any of that to gloss over genuine concerns. I'd prefer to be overly cautious and eventually come round, than to be super hasty and thoughtless with critical life decisions. YMMV.

[lilcuddlymouse]

As long as you have a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria you might be able to push a doctor into prescribing hormones even if they don't think you are transsexual. The whole reason for a trans patient needing to be on hormones for X amount of time before surgery in WPATH and similar programs is because that gives the person time to not only adjust to living as a female but also so they can decide if they are 100% ready to transition. HRT is for the most part reversible even years down the line, but surgery is permanent. I don't know what protocol they use in the UK for handling transgender patients, but if you present them with your diagnosis and a concrete plan of what you are wanting they should be convinced at least that you aren't just being impulsive about it.

[AnonyMs]

I've read so many bad things about the UK and NHS for trans people that the last thing I would do is tell them the truth. And if I were NB (which I'm probably not) then even more so. Sometimes you need to look after your own health, the trick is to work out when that means relying on others and when it does not.

I was sure I was trans, because its a spectrum and I was clearly on it, at least a little bit. Cis-people don't have these issues, so therefore trans. I started HRT without being sure if it was right thing to do, but I couldn't think of anything else and was slowly going crazy. I then found there was no way to understand being on HRT without actually trying it. That was nearly 10 years ago and I've still not socially transitioned - I don't think they would like that in the UK.

What's right for you only you can decide.

[JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

Hi everyone, I hope this is in the right place....

Basically, I see my future as female, I can't stay as male for any longer, when I look feminine I feel great, when I see a man in the mirror I feel like crap. I'm transgender. And I can just imagine starting on HRT, feeling my skin softening, my agression lowering, crying more, growing (mini) breasts...and it feels incredible. And yet, I'm not 100% sure it's the right thing. In some sense, like I might regret it? I can't say how. But here's the thing. With my body as it is, I feel I'm standing still. I need to move forward. I refuse to sit still on this.

So I tell myself, I'll go to the appointments, I'll tell them what they want to hear (selective truth about my life), I'll get onto hormones, I'll freeze some sperm, and then nothing's irreversible if it turns out not to be right - sterility doesn't bother me right now, and right now is when I make the decision. (For practical gate-keeping related stuff, I'm in the UK.)

But, well, what do you guys think? Anyone else who wasn't 100% before starting hormones? Did you feel the changes happening and realise it was completely right, as I feel I will? I feel like I'm in catch 22 at the mo. I can't start HRT until I'm sure. But I can't be sure until I start.

J xx

I think it's normal to not be 100%. I held off on transitioning for 10 yrs cuz I wasn't certain. When I finally was I made the appt for HRT... I started a wk ago 2day! I know I made the right decision, & I'll never look back... except for a small part of me that wishes I had just done it all those yrs ago, if id known I was going to do it eventually... But hindsight & all that... & better late than never! I'd say that if you have any doubt, prior to starting HRT you should seek therapy w/ someone experienced in trans issues, help u explore where ur doubt lies & y. U think u will b able 2 handle it if u change ur mind down the road, but it's best 2 avoid that entirely by taking steps now 2 prevent it. Just my thoughts on it; like I said, only been on HRT for a week so my experience in transitioning is severely limited. Anyway, I wish you luck with everything! If u decide 2 start HRT & want to talk w/ someone else who is just starting, please feel free 2 PM me! I may not have a lot of knowledge on transitioning (yet), but I will be happy 2 share my new experiences!
Much love! -Jessi [emoji173]️

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