So I've been presenting pretty much full time, or at least making a best effort to.
Tonight, for the first time (from an adult addressing me as an adult, at least as far as I can remember (I've had little kids gender me right, but they always argue with me that I can't possibly be an adult if I'm a boy)), at olive garden, our waitress gendered me right. First try, no questioning in her voice. Just, plain as day, "what can I get you to drink, sir?"
Not going to lie, it caught me completely off-guard. I wasn't expecting it. I was expecting, nay, dreading it to go just like every other time I'm in a restaurant, or anywhere for that matter. But no, it continued. The whole time, it was "gentlemen" or "you guys" or when just addressing/ referring to me, male pronouns.
I can't even begin to describe the feeling I had. AC (my date) was laughing at me because I was just sitting there grinning like an idiot for several minutes every single time. I felt comfortable. I felt relaxed. I felt happy.
When I went to the bathroom I didn't have to sit for two minutes before and decide where I was going to go. I just went into the bathroom that matched me. And when I looked in the mirror, for once I didn't just see everything that was wrong. I didn't see anything that was 'wrong.' I just saw... me. I saw a face I could recognize. I could bear to look at myself for longer than a split second. I finally saw what the people close to me keep telling me they see- a young man. I've never seen that before. I've never really felt okay in my own skin before. That feeling... is euphoric.
When it happened... The feeling I got... I knew. I knew I am a man. I knew that I am making the right choices. I suddenly knew exactly who I was. Right now, there is none of the little bit of my mind trying to second guess it. I am Seth. I am my brother's brother. I am my parents' son. I am AC's boyfriend. I am not an imposter. I am not someone trying to hide behind a mask. I am not someone who's "just confused" and "going through a phase" trying to find themselves. I have found who I am... I know this is who I am, and who I need to be.
If you've never had it happen to you before, I hope it comes soon for you, too.
-Seth
