A long month, a bit more free

[antia212]

I posted for the first time a month ago after many years (~ 16) of questioning, and so much has changed because of that post. I have a lot of gratitude for this forum because if it. Since then I've been having honest conversations with my partner, attended a couple of trans support groups that I'll continue going to, and even started therapy with a focus on being trans and possibly physically/socially transitioning. My first "assignment" was to explore femininity in a small way, in a way I haven't truly allowed myself to feel, as I explore what femininity and womanhood means to me. I did what felt like the cliché thing to do: I put on some lipstick. Don't know if I'll be someone that wears makeup, but I liked the expression on my face when I saw myself in the mirror. I felt a little bit freer, even though I also felt a bit ridiculous.

I've opened up to a few close friends about feeling trans, including a trans woman, and I've felt so much relief and so much fear at the same time. None of them have been surprised. One of them even reminded me that she once called me a woman and that I made it very clear that I wasn't. We both laughed.

I've learned that I "stop feeling trans" whenever I think about telling my family, even though they've always been supportive with other aspects of my life, including my queerness. While I'm afraid of how they'll react, I'm also afraid of feeling and being different around them, of worrying them because it will, of not knowing who I'll be when I'm finally honest about this part of me, in their presence.

There are times when I'm like, "I'm definitely a woman," and it feels like a big relief, and other times when I think it may just be a phase. The truth, I feel, is that I'd rather not be trans--but that no longer feels like a choice.

Hope all is well xoxoxo


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[Bari Jo]

Congrats Antia.  I've found that each time I cross a hurdle a little weight is lifted.  Like you I haven't told my family, only doctors, support groups, here and a coworker.  It's all been supportive.  I think family will be fine at least on my end.  I wouldn't worry about being different with them. You will finally be you with them.  I look forward to that myself.  It might even be fun to laugh about the differences.

[Kendra]

Yay lipstick!  Interesting how something so simple can change how we feel. 

On the topic of lipstick... it's amazing how many color variations there are between red and pink.  The reason for such a huge assortment is the slightest difference in shade draws attention to or away from that area, and compliments or clashes with skin tone and other features.  That's why the stuff ain't just red or pink.  In my earlier adventures I bought lipstick colors I would rarely use now, much as my first set of women's shoes were radical spike heels - and today I usually wear flat sandals or a more modest heel.  My current avatar is with Mac Cosmetics "Ramblin Rose" color lipstick, barely visible but it's there.  If I want my lipstick a bit bolder I add a thin line of red lip-liner to outer edges, and a thin brush of white eyeliner right above the lipstick (doing that makes the lips appear three-dimensional without botox). 

Most important is the way you feel.  I think changes to appearance should support your mind, not the other way around.  Find ways to be your true self and after awhile you will feel natural.  Once you can get your mind and appearance more closely matched, you will probably find the resistance from others diminishes or goes away. 

[antia212]

Thank you for your replies, Bari Jo and Kendra. I like how these explorations and conversations with a therapist, support groups, and a few friends are slowly lifting a weight off my shoulders. I shaved the hair off my toes the other day, which is not necessarily a thing that only women do, but it made me feel sexy. It also made me want to shave the hair off the rest of my body, though I'm taking it slow because I don't know how to do that just yet.

What is interesting is that rarely have I felt desirable as a man... and not because I don't feel attractive. Presenting as a man has never interested me. I realize now why I hate shopping--I hate trying on clothes that I don't feel good in.

I'll ask a friend to help me pick out a color for my lips sometime soon. I'm Latina and want to find a color that complements my skin tone. That's what my boyfriend keeps telling me at least. He's been so supportive.

I'm going to a trans feminine support group for the second time this week and I'm looking forward to it. I laughed so much last time. I think I'll need it because I have a medical school interview on Tuesday and had to buy an expensive suit for it, which I feel resentful about. Getting fitted for that suit made me feel so dysphoric.


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[Roll]

Thank you for your replies, Bari Jo and Kendra. I like how these explorations and conversations with a therapist, support groups, and a few friends are slowly lifting a weight off my shoulders. I shaved the hair off my toes the other day, which is not necessarily a thing that only women do, but it made me feel sexy. It also made me want to shave the hair off the rest of my body, though I'm taking it slow because I don't know how to do that just yet.

I shaved my feet and hands a little while back and had the same reaction. It's amazing how the little things can matter so much! It also made me become fanatical about shaving everywhere that isn't visible to other people, which means I now have just a kind of weird looking stretch of hair on my arms and legs. I'm really trying to figure out how to make that leap. I'm thinking maybe trim a little bit each day and just do it gradually so no one really notices.

[elkie-t]

Hi Anita. In addition to selection of good color, it is equally important (although impossible at the store) to select a taste you like. If you like the taste of your lipstick - you would want to apply it more often

I like L'Oreal for that reason.


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