Rock Bottom Before Accepting Yourself

[Bari Jo]

I started to think about this while writing an email to another lady.  I think before accepting myself for who I am, I had to hit rock bottom with my gender disphoria.  And I did, oh boy.  At that point though and realizing just what I was doing, and why it became easier to accept being trans.  I'm relating this to an alcoholic having to hit rock bottom before they can get better.  I only have to guess at that feeling since I barely drink, but I've heard the phrase often.

I figure many people rock bottom may mean attempted suicide.  For me it was plucking out my beard during a business trip and then having to go out with eyeliner on my freshly plucked face.  My coworkers although knew I had issues were nice about it and let it slide.  The pain and manic behavior that led up to that caused so much stress, that it's almost like I'm desensitized to GD now.  That night, BTW is when I vowed to transition for real and finish it.  I had attempted transition before, but never had the calm rationale to follow through that I have now.

I ask mainly to help the newbies out there if you have rock bottom stories that you wouldn't mind sharing.  I encourage all to seek a gender therapist to work out issues so you don't have to go through such stressful GD of a rock bottom experience too.

[Julia1996]

I don't have any story to share and I can't ever fully understand what you went through but I can say I'm sorry you went through it and I'm glad you're on the path you need to be on now. I know transition can be scary and seem overwhelming but I know you're strong enough to get through it.
Big hugs.

[Maddie86]

I don't think I had a rock bottom with dysphoria, but I did have a rock bottom with alcohol that led me to stop drinking and that led me to accepting myself.

I was pretty much drinking every night for 5 years straight. I said stupid things and probably did a few stupid things, but I was never violent or anything, but that much alcohol consumption caught up with me, I got gout at 30 years old. at that point I realized how pathetic I really was and that I needed to change. After about a month of being sober I noticed that I had less brain fog and more clarity in my life, and if these thoughts about changing gender were still with me after all this time then I needed to confront it, I started coming out to a few friends and then I started seeing a therapist, and I started to commit to losing weight too. This has been one of the longest but also one of the best years of my life!

[Bari Jo]

I don't think I had a rock bottom with dysphoria, but I did have a rock bottom with alcohol that led me to stop drinking and that led me to accepting myself.

Thanks for sharing.  I'd say that absolutely counts.  Many people have self medicated too, just to avoid GD, or hidden, slashed out in anger all the time, or even tried to go the opposite way becoming transphobic and homophobic.  Something triggers that final decision to transition, for yours it was finally thinking clearly after all that drinking.  totally get that!

Thanks for the empathy Julia, we all have a different road to get us there, just trying to help others.  I am strong enough, I think:)

[Colleen_definitely]

I had a bit of both.  GD leading to boozing it up too much leading to having a blackout at a get together and anxiety attacks afterward that had me curled up on the floor.

I gave up drinking entirely for 3-4 months after that, reached out for info here, and then got therapy.  That was in January/February.

[Sarah77]

I totally understand this sentiment.
I spend my days bargaining. It means a long list of reasons why not
to transition.
But subconsciously I need my life to f*** up so I have the freedom to start again.
So that has come out with gambling, fighting with my wife, with anxiety attacks, with poor work performance..

So strong is society's pressure to conform you almost need to have no other option

[Colleen_definitely]

Ah yes the endless list of "I couldn't possibly do it because of X Y Z etc..." thoughts.  In the end 95% of them were plain wrong and the rest were easily (if a bit painfully) corrected.

[Roll]

I had something similar to a rock bottom, though I consider it more of an extreme trauma to which I've been able to place everything else in context. I've mentioned this a few times and generally feel weird repeating myself, but as it seems relevant to the topic I'll do so again... When my mother died a few years ago the pain that caused was profound--not only was she my mother, but as someone living as a shut-in she was the only person I would see for weeks at a time. Having not only to lose her, but watch as she deteriorated to her cancer up until the final moments... nothing else seemed like it could be even half as horrible. I'd been through true hell, so why was I afraid of going to the grocery store or out to eat? This line of thinking allowed me to take stock of my life in a way that I never had before, and I subsequently made massive strides dealing with my anxiety, my weight, my education, and just pretty much everything about myself. It was all of this that set me up for finally coming around to admitting that I was transgender after so many years of denial and rationalization, and even now I am only able to progress as I have dealing with being trans because I know, no matter how difficult it may be, I've been through worse. (And worse that had only that final, terrible outcome. This on the other hand may have an amazing, wonderful outcome!)

[Gertrude]

When the pain of inauthenticity becomes greater than the shame of what we are, we tend to make progress. Dysphoria IMO, is the result of that inauthenticity and is the desire to be real. It's not so much hitting bottom, but clearing all the shot that's been dumped on us by the collectives.


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[Bari Jo]

When the pain of inauthenticity becomes greater than the shame of what we are, we tend to make progress. Dysphoria IMO, is the result of that inauthenticity and is the desire to be real. It's not so much hitting bottom, but clearing all the shot that's been dumped on us by the collectives.


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That's a great way to look at it, sounds way less visceral and more healthy.

[IzzyC]

I went through relatively similar things. Though I had a series of low points before eventually hitting "rock bottom" during the end of University.

I oscillated between "ok" and suicidal as a teenager, due to a number of factors interrupting my pathological hatred of myself and the cross-dressing/dysphoria. The military and having a kid interrupted things for a few years, but after the relationship fell apart I started sinking down into that Jonah like pit of chaos under tumultuous waters.

I was anti-social, manic depressive, anxiety ridden, paranoid, hallucinating at times, and suicidal. I started drinking excessively whenever I'd start having thoughts and desperate feelings to cross-dress and be effeminate. I would consume online stories about people going through transition and then hate myself for wishing it was me, and then drink myself into a stupor and project a happy facade online to friends.

I gained 70 pounds and hit 210 and lived in practical filth. This all continued after I moved back in with family in Georgia. There I got heavy into listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson and decided to do his self-authoring thing. I started critically analyzing my past and all the strongest memories I had. I realized that every single powerful memory had the issue of gender/body dysphoria sitting at its' crux from age 5/6 and onward. I realized as he talked about Big 5 personality traits and statistical norms on how men/women fall on these various psychological scales that in no way did I ever as a youth and even into adulthood ever fall under typical male patterns.

I realized that while there were proximal reasons exacerbating my depression and anxiety, the existential hatred of myself was the ultimate factor. I realized that the happiest point that I had was in high-school when I was emo and basically presenting female or trying to. In doing the self-authoring, I realized that if I didn't try at least some aspects of transitioning; that I would end up old, fat, disgusting, lonely, closeted social-outcast paralyzed by hatred of the Self and fear of reality.

After finishing the self-authoring exercises I realized that simple depression/anxiety medication wouldn't rid me of the fundamental problem, only HRT and transition would do that. I was spending at least 100+ dollars of alcohol a week at that point and smoking and vaping, slowly killing myself.

Once I realized that, everything sort of clicked. I quit drinking and smoking completely cold turkey and coming to terms with the trans thing caused a series of lifestyle changes and behavioral changes that I'd never before been able to accomplish.

I 180'd the shut-in nature and everything else so fast it shocked people. Something mentally changed as well, and something perceptible as well; because I don't feel anxiety anymore in social situations and people don't treat me like a pariah anymore.