Becca's HRT Journey

[Becca Kay]

I'm approx 6 weeks into HRT now.  Some observations.

my breasts hurt.  it started about a week ago.  my nipples are sore to the touch and it's tender in the area around them.  Enough so that it surprises me every time i bump them, like when folding my arms.   I'm curious how long most girls experience tenderness like this?  Is it just a few months?  Longer? 

A few weeks ago I realized that my mind seemed to have cleared noticeably.  Now I can say for sure that it wasn't just a brief mood shift.  It's amazing.  I think the two biggest differences are that i'm not quick to get angry like i used to.  But more importantly that my sex drive has dopped considerably.  I used to think about sex over and over all day long every day.  Combined with sponaneous erections it left me feeling out of sorts.  I hated it. It was frustrating.  It was a constant reminder that it wasn the body (or sometimes the mind) that I wanted.  I didn't realize how much until it lifted.  I've had similar experiences on anti depresents.  But it felt different.  It was less a change in my mind and more like impotence combined with less frequent thoughts of sex.

Spiro definately makes for more trips to the lavatory each day.  This is something I really do not like.  It makes me think more and more about getting an orchiectomy.  I would very much like to stop taking this drug as soon as possible. 


I had bloodwork a week ago.  I expect to hear back from my Endo next week to find out if he'll adjust my prescriptions. 


So far so good!  Thank you girls, for advice and encouragement!! 

[Laurie]

Hi Becca,

  I see you are starting to feel the good stuff happenings. There's more to come girl so sit yourself back and enjoy. I'm glad to see you feeling better.

Hugs
   Laurie

[Becca Kay]

All my straight friends that I've come out to have been very respectful and supportive of me.  It's been something of a revelation, since I have dreaded coming for a very long time.  While I've only come out to my most trusted friends and it's not surprising that they're all so supportive, in my mind i didn't think it wold be as good as it has been (so far).

What i'm surprised at is how ignorant some of my gay friends have been.  Last night one of my oldest friends said to me several times that me being trans "makes no freaking sense."  I've had similar reactions from a couple other gay friends (all men).  I've had a few eye rolls as well.  One of my gay friends regularly uses the term "->-bleeped-<-" as a slur to refer to women he thinks aren't feminine or 'put together' enough.

I think for a long time while I was in the closet I ignored this type of talk and probably internalized it.  Most of my friends are very liberal, even leftists and they rarely use transphobic language.  But some of my gay friends are an exception that I'm unhappy about.  I honestly don't understand it. 

[Charlie Nicki]

What i'm surprised at is how ignorant some of my gay friends have been.

Same thing I thought. They weren't ignorant in the sense of having negative reactions or saying derogatory things, not at all. But I mean literally ignorant, I was amazed at the fact that they knew so little about ->-bleeped-<-.

[Becca Kay]

Same thing I thought. They weren't ignorant in the sense of having negative reactions or saying derogatory things, not at all. But I mean literally ignorant, I was amazed at the fact that they knew so little about ->-bleeped-<-.

there does seem to be an age component to it.  The transphobia i'm hearing seems to come from middle aged gay men I know.  But i do know some lesbian, bi and queer people that are under 40 years old and they're all very 'woke'.  In fact a couple of my younger lesbian friends regularly tell me how "excited" they are for me.  I don't hear any transphobic slurs from them. 

it really really bothers me, because these gay men are people i grew up with.  they should know better.  I was there with some of them when they had to come out years ago to their friends and family, sometimes suffering for it.  Like being kicke out of their homes, shuned by family or even physically beaten and attacked.  20+ years ago the world was much less kind to out young people. 

I thought these old friends would be my allies, but instead I'm having to argue and fight with them in hopes of educating them on inclusive language.  it kind of breaks my heart

[LexiDreamer]

Spiro definately makes for more trips to the lavatory each day.  This is something I really do not like.  It makes me think more and more about getting an orchiectomy.  I would very much like to stop taking this drug as soon as possible. 

I think this is a very popular misconception.
Once your estradiol levels are high enough you can begin weening yourself off of Spironolactone.
Your body will stop making testosterone as it detects enough sex hormone (estradiol).
I have literally cut my spironolactone dose in half twice since starting HRT and my T level was once 1310 ng/mL !

My last test put my T at 18 ng/mL so I cut my dose in half again (a couple of months ago).

I'm waiting for lab work results from last week and if my T is still very low I'm going to drop the spironolactone all together.

I am really confused as to why anyone gets an orchiectomy.
...unless they really dislike having testicles between their legs.
...but why not get it all done in that case?

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[Becca Kay]

I think this is a very popular misconception.
Once your estradiol levels are high enough you can begin weening yourself off of Spironolactone.
Your body will stop making testosterone as it detects enough sex hormone (estradiol).
I have literally cut my spironolactone dose in half twice since starting HRT and my T level was once 1310 ng/mL !

My last test put my T at 18 ng/mL so I cut my dose in half again (a couple of months ago).

I'm waiting for lab work results from last week and if my T is still very low I'm going to drop the spironolactone all together.

I am really confused as to why anyone gets an orchiectomy.
...unless they really dislike having testicles between their legs.
...but why not get it all done in that case?

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Thank you for that!  I thought that as long as i had testes I'd have to be on Spiro.  One of the trans Youtubers that i follow had an Orchiectomy and stated it was specifically to get off Spiro.  i'd heard similiar comments from other women online. How long were you on HRT before you were able to reduce your Spiro dosage?  I want to be off Spiro as soon as possible.  But I don't plan to have SRS anytime soon.


There are other reasons to not want testicals.  I hate them.  i am well endowed and I have too much 'junk' down there.  I can't do a proper tuck, and it's sometimes painful or just plain uncomfortable to tuck.  The only positive is that when I eventually get bottom surgery there will be plenty of material to work with.  In the mean time i would like to not have them anymore.

[Becca Kay]

I've been slowly coming out to more friends.  A few months ago i was terrified when I told the first few people.  But now i really want to get it out there and be done with it.  several times in the past two weeks I blurted it out to various friends of mine without thinking about what I was doing.  I starting to think that I'm 'sabbotaging' my closeted life.  I know that eventually i'll get to the point where other people are unintentionally outing me. 

I have some anxiety over the fact that I'm going around telling people I'm trans, but still presenting 100% of the time as the male me.  It just feels strange. 

[LexiDreamer]

Thank you for that!  I thought that as long as i had testes I'd have to be on Spiro.  One of the trans Youtubers that i follow had an Orchiectomy and stated it was specifically to get off Spiro.  i'd heard similiar comments from other women online. How long were you on HRT before you were able to reduce your Spiro dosage?  I want to be off Spiro as soon as possible.  But I don't plan to have SRS anytime soon.


There are other reasons to not want testicals.  I hate them.  i am well endowed and I have too much 'junk' down there.  I can't do a proper tuck, and it's sometimes painful or just plain uncomfortable to tuck.  The only positive is that when I eventually get bottom surgery there will be plenty of material to work with.  In the mean time i would like to not have them anymore.

Less than a year for my first spiro reduction.
I'm sure it all depends on the levels you start off with.
Just get your T tested after a couple of months on your full dose and see where it's at compared to where you started.

What people fail to realize is that testicles begin to atrophy if they're not being used. This also causes them to shrink in size.
The less they are used, the more they atrophy and the less they can produce without needing the T blocker.

I have a trans friend who has been on the same dose of spironolactone for over 17 years! I'm just like WTF is your doctor doing to you?!?
There's no reason to be on it that long.
She didn't know any better and obviously neither did her doctor.

So it doesn't surprise me to hear about Transwomen getting orchies to get off spiro...
It's just a shame that transgender care is so far behind for many practitioners.

There are many women (even on here) that transition without taking T-blockers. It should only be used to give the estradiol a "head a start", not as a persistent treatment.

The farther along you get in your HRT you'll notice your "equipment" will shrink and tucking will get easier.
I was in a similar situation... too much to hide...
But my bits have shrunk significantly and I stay tucked 24-7 now.

Just practice your tuck for as long as you can without pain. Take breaks in between. Like anything else, it gets easier the more you do it.

Enjoy your journey!
-Lexi

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[Becca Kay]

While out to dinner tonight a friend of mine commented that i looked different.  That something was different about my face and skin. She said my skin looked amazingly smooth and clear.   

I've been afraid that I was trying too hard to see changes.  It's been less than two months, and I know that my dysphoria distorts how I see myself. It felt good though to have someone say that.  It's the first time anyone has. it felt good 🙂

[Laurie]

  It should feel good Becca, because it is good. It is external unsolicted afirmation that change is happening within you and outwardly too. Revel in it girl.

[Maddie86]

healthier skin is definitely the first thing I noticed! I saw a change within 10 days of starting! I hope you're enjoying your journey so far 🙂

[Becca Kay]

she was also stating that the shape of my face looked different.  I think there's been a small amount of fat redistribution in my face.  I had a lot of hairloss on my face after my last lazer session, which makes my skin look clearer as well.

i think I may have gained 5lbs in the past month.  I don't know what might be from HRT and what might just be weight gain.  My other thought is that I might have lost some muscle mass, which would have probably turned to fat. 

Kind of scared to weigh myself because it can be a trigger for my ED.   

[Becca Kay]

I went to a dinner party last weekend that was hosted at a friend's house. I went as my true self.  Nothing extravagant, just a girls tshirt, sweater, nail polish, etc.  I only knew the hosts.  There were two other trans people there.  I didn't know them. It was interesting because in the middle of dinner we started talking about HRT, transition, and other fun stuff.  I felt a little intimidated because they were both non binary and obviously 100% out and butch and talking about T injections.     

It reminded me of a time years ago when I ended up at a similar party with mostly lesbians and feminists and I got literally run out of the party after being berated for being a "cis male member of the patriarchy."  I somehow became the butt of every joke that night.  Everything was wrong about me.  My lame clothes and haircut and my midwestern accent.  it hurt because down deep i didn't feel like the way I looked to them.  They saw another generic male ->-bleeped-<- and inside I just wanted to be a lesbian. 

The difference this time is that I was accepted and respected and invited in.  While i felt a bit overwhelmed, intimidated and out of my depth, it was eye opening and it made me happy. 

[Roll]

It reminded me of a time years ago when I ended up at a similar party with mostly lesbians and feminists and I got literally run out of the party after being berated for being a "cis male member of the patriarchy."  I somehow became the butt of every joke that night.  Everything was wrong about me.  My lame clothes and haircut and my midwestern accent.  it hurt because down deep i didn't feel like the way I looked to them.  They saw another generic male ->-bleeped-<- and inside I just wanted to be a lesbian. 

Gotta love that lip service equality by the radical types. That they judged you based on your looks is no different than judging people for being a particular skin color, it is unfair stereotyping that harms so many people. I hope you seem them again and they learn a lesson about judging people based on looks.

[Becca Kay]

I've been getting electrolysis twice a month.  Focusing on my chest.  I just changed my schedule to one hour sessions once per week.  It looks like two more hours of being poked and zapped and My entire chest will be clear. 

my breasts are so sore I can't even communicate how painful my electrolysis session was today.  It involved hairs around my nipples. 

HRT seems to be doing the trick, though.  The few hairs that have returned since my last couple of sessions are very fine. 

[Becca Kay]

went to my first trans/non binary support group meeting last night.  It was the first time that people addressed me both with my prounouns and with my new name.  It was a bit sureal.  I'd hear my name and not realize immediatly that someone was talking about me.  It did make me feel old, as most of the people there were much younger than me.  Most I think were barely out of high school.  I think only one other woman there was older than me. 

Initially I worried i wouldn't fit in.  That i wouldn't be seen as "trans enough" because I look so obviously masculine. I wore what has become my typical "go out in public" clothes.  V neck tshirt, women's cardigan, women's skinny jeans, big knitted cap/hat.  This is how i dress whether I"m presenting as my dead name or as me.  It's barely any different than How I dressed prior to beginning my slow transition.  I've always dressed in a similar way, only now my clothing items are just slightly more feminine.  I did also paint my nails. 

My nervousness over my presentation was unfounded, though.  The group included MTF, FTM, and non binary individuals.  Nobody cared how I presented or how neatly my outfit was put together.  People were kind to me, hugged me, called me by my new name.  I wish the rest of the world was as easy as that room was.

It really made me feel good. 

But then I came home to my soon to be ex wife and she unloaded on me with some pretty vicious stuff.  We'll be living together for at least another 1-3 months and we're fairly civil.  But occasionally she blows up at me.  This time it was a common threat she's been making.  She says I am being selfish and mean to her by not letting her OUT ME to her friends and aquaintances.  That it's not fair that I get to live in the closet while she has to "suffer in private."  Everyone knows we're getting divorced, though.  Everyone we know already knows i'm moving away.  Only a few people that I've chosen to come out to know that I'm Trans. 

She also called me a liar.  She said I ruined her life and took "everything" from her.  I've lost my job, my spouse, my house, my dogs.  I'm literally leaving soon with nothing.  She's keeping all of it, and she has a very good paying career.  But somehow now that I"m not paying all her bills, cleaning the house, and cooking all her meals I'm the bad one.  (I'm not exagerating.. .I've literally taken care of her for years... looking back on it now I can't believe how stupid i was). 

I simply need to get through the next few months and find a new job.  She's promised to cooperate with me in our divorce, but each time she blows up at me like this I suspect that once out literally out the door she will fight me legally on everything.   

One step forward... two steps back.  🙁

[Becca Kay]

Also..  I have noticeable breast growth.  While they've been sore for a number of weeks I wasn't sure that there was any growth.  But now there very obviously is.  I can actually cup them in my hands, while i had a rather flat chest two months ago.  My bust measurement has only grown an inch.  But I think that's because i may have lost a bit of muscle mass from around my ribs & back. 

[Maddie86]

congrats on the breast growth and the successful visit to the support group! I still haven't been to one yet, I should look into that. I'm really sorry about all these issues with your wife, I hope she has a change of heart

[Becca Kay]

congrats on the breast growth and the successful visit to the support group! I still haven't been to one yet, I should look into that. I'm really sorry about all these issues with your wife, I hope she has a change of heart

thanks.  but she's not having a change of heart.  even if she did I can't live with her anymore.  It's a codependant relationship and I let her roll all over me.  it's not healthy for me.