went to my first trans/non binary support group meeting last night. It was the first time that people addressed me both with my prounouns and with my new name. It was a bit sureal. I'd hear my name and not realize immediatly that someone was talking about me. It did make me feel old, as most of the people there were much younger than me. Most I think were barely out of high school. I think only one other woman there was older than me.
Initially I worried i wouldn't fit in. That i wouldn't be seen as "trans enough" because I look so obviously masculine. I wore what has become my typical "go out in public" clothes. V neck tshirt, women's cardigan, women's skinny jeans, big knitted cap/hat. This is how i dress whether I"m presenting as my dead name or as me. It's barely any different than How I dressed prior to beginning my slow transition. I've always dressed in a similar way, only now my clothing items are just slightly more feminine. I did also paint my nails.
My nervousness over my presentation was unfounded, though. The group included MTF, FTM, and non binary individuals. Nobody cared how I presented or how neatly my outfit was put together. People were kind to me, hugged me, called me by my new name. I wish the rest of the world was as easy as that room was.
It really made me feel good.
But then I came home to my soon to be ex wife and she unloaded on me with some pretty vicious stuff. We'll be living together for at least another 1-3 months and we're fairly civil. But occasionally she blows up at me. This time it was a common threat she's been making. She says I am being selfish and mean to her by not letting her OUT ME to her friends and aquaintances. That it's not fair that I get to live in the closet while she has to "suffer in private." Everyone knows we're getting divorced, though. Everyone we know already knows i'm moving away. Only a few people that I've chosen to come out to know that I'm Trans.
She also called me a liar. She said I ruined her life and took "everything" from her. I've lost my job, my spouse, my house, my dogs. I'm literally leaving soon with nothing. She's keeping all of it, and she has a very good paying career. But somehow now that I"m not paying all her bills, cleaning the house, and cooking all her meals I'm the bad one. (I'm not exagerating.. .I've literally taken care of her for years... looking back on it now I can't believe how stupid i was).
I simply need to get through the next few months and find a new job. She's promised to cooperate with me in our divorce, but each time she blows up at me like this I suspect that once out literally out the door she will fight me legally on everything.
One step forward... two steps back.
