I have thought about the selfish thing. Well I have thought about the statistics as well, but I don't know, I have been past suicidal for more than 2 years now, eventually I just stopped thinking about it.
I have never been selfish to the point that anyone would notice. We are all selfish to one degree or another. My current boyfriend and my last boyfriend both commented about how much I talk about transition, that I was very self absorbed. It bothered me a lot. Was I selfish, was self absorbed and selfish the same thing? Anyway, this might not be linear or cohesive but I hope that I don't mess it up too much.
Transition encompasses so much of our lives. I have to assume that the younger transitioners, not have it easier, but have grown expressing themselves as female. They have already done the groundwork basically. Not all but I would guess that the younger we start, the less we are correcting and the more we are learning it right the first time. Either way, it is replacing one way of expressing ourselves with another to whatever degree is needed or desired. Everyone knows that children are selfish in a way that we have grown out of or have been taught out of.
Here is what we are dealing with, we are children again in a way. In order to pass as quickly as possible we are doing a crash course that is unrealistic in what should be expected. No one pushes children like that, they are at the same point of development as everyone their age. As we age we can't say that anymore, now what would seem normal when younger looks caricature, exaggerated. We push hard so we can pass and during transition we don't have much room left for anything that isn't moving us forward. Yes, we are a little selfish or self absorbed, we HAVE to be to get past that first huge hump. It goes away, just as it does in children.
Considering that I didn't realize it at the time, is it so odd that people who have no idea what we are going through don't understand. I wish that someone would have told me at the time, ' It's okay. ' The people who I am closest to were tired of talking about it, well of course they were. The problem was, looooong after they were tired of hearing about it, I still had more to deal with than I knew how to manage.
So...
It's okay. This thing we are going through is tough at any age. Give yourself a little break sometimes to accept that it is okay. Okay, that you feel overwhelmed. Okay that you are stressed. Okay that you are a little self absorbed.
Um, now I feel like a weirdo
but maybe it will help someone.
Michelle
