Hello everyone,
An update and some venting. I need your encouragement.
I had breast augmentation and lipo sculpture last week, I had been thinking about it for a while and decided to do it and start living full time after that.
The first 2 or 3 days of recovery were difficult body-wise, everything hurt and I couldn't move very well and needed help to do almost everything, but mentally I was alright. On day 4 was when it started going downhill mentally...My doctor told me post op depression could happen around day 5 so I don't know if this is it but I've started having all these negative thoughts.
I feel ugly, like a monster or a weirdo. I'm super scared of all that I'm doing and wondering if I made the right decision...If I will ever have a normal life, if I will ever be passable, if I will ever be just another girl. I just want to be normal. Right now I don't feel that way, I feel like the "huge ->-bleeped-<-" walking down the street that everyone will stare at. So much that sometimes I feel scared to go out (I've had to go out every day after surgery for post op massages).
Yesterday I was out all day, full makeup on, long straight hair and sweatpants (I don't have much clothes yet and also prefer wearing comfortable clothes while I recover). The day was fun, I met with other 3 trans girlfriends and we had a really good time and the most experienced ones told me and my other friend about their experiences. I was on a high cuz for a moment I felt like myself again, like despite being this "weirdo" I could still have a normal life, and go out and laugh and have fun. I know some people stared at me but I didn't care and overall it was a really good day.
But this morning I woke up feeling sad and extremely dysphoric again. I look at myself in the mirror and see a man with breasts. My jaw and chin are my biggest insecurities and are all I notice in the mirror and in pictures all the time. Funny thing is that when I lived like a man I perceived my face as being very rounded and never really thought I had a strong jaw (maybe I just couldn't see it because of my beard) and people told me I had soft features but I can't see any of that right now.
I've cried several times in the past few days and I'm scared of what's to come, mainly my first day at work as a woman which will happen in 3 weeks and everything that comes after. I'm wondering if I made the right decision by transitioning and wondering if I should have just suck it up and live like a man. I know I got to this point because this is how I feel but it's so hard to see the positive side and to see the finish line... I keep dreaming of having the life of trans women like Carmen Carrera or Gigi Gorgeous who are super passable, attractive and are able to blend in society. And I don't know if I'm gonna be that girl.
I'm super embarrassed to admit that I feel this way, so I don't really talk to anyone about it besides a couple of trans friends. Most people think I'm so brave and think I'm super happy because I'm doing what I dreamt about. But in reality I'm scared and sad and dysphoric.
I went through something like that a couple of months ago when I got the orchiectomy but it passed quickly and then was super happy about the orchi so I don't know if this just the result of post op depression again or if all my fears and self perception are genuine.
I just wanted to vent girls.
