Hello, This is a new account, but I have had another account before and deleted it; so I am starting out afresh. Lots of lovely people on here helped me earlier this year with their wise words and kind advice You all gave me a perspective that was missing and I cherish each and every one of you <Get the slushy bit out of the way first eh?>
SO, confused, I am and months of internet searching has yielded nothing to help - I have been very reticent to post about this on here, as it may be misread by some but I really, REALLY, do not want to upset anyone and realise that my situation is (i think) a little unique (I hope not) and would just like to see what some of you think my best/next course of action should be.
I will try and boil down my 'story' to a little. as it may ramble, but bear with me
I have just turned 47, born male, married with a daughter. I never experienced gender dysphoria at all growing up; I always preferred female company, always played female game characters, always liked fashion (and shop for my wife who's fashion sense is dreadful) and never been called macho, butch or a lads lad.. But not effeminate either.
18 months ago, after showering, I looked at myself in the mirror and had a sense of 'ugh' at what I saw. I was thin and masculine, but my mind was disgusted by my hairy body and genitals. This lasted for a few days. A few months later the same feelings came back, more so, this time there was something more, I wanted to look female. I wasn't turned on by this (shocked more like) and it frightened me a little. Again it waned over about a week. To cut a long story short these episodes got more frequent, and more intense. I started sneaking make-up, then clothes. Then dreaming (literally) of being a woman. Full on GD? - I hated everything about my maleness. I even plucked up courage to venture out dressed and loved it, (until an oaf saw through me and started laughing. That was tough.). What was I doing?
I could not get these thoughts out of my head, I have a loving home life. This April I came out to my wife. She was devastated, set rules and generally made a point that if I pursue this I will do it on my own, away from my home, and daughter (and wife) whom I love more than anything. This is when I first came to Susan's - and you lot saved my life.
In that first post (That as i read even today brings me to tears) I mentioned my strange endocrine problems, bought on by a tumour 10 years ago. My wife raised it as a concern, and so did a couple of posters on Susan's.
You see, I do not make any hormones naturally, and take them all via injections, tablets and gels everyday. This includes Testosterone, thyroxine, growth hormone etc etc. I am also a trained microbiologist (geneticist) and had trawled through the scientific literature to see what could be happening. The only thing I came across was Testosterone being automatised into oestrogen (but no link to GD?). So I pursued this with my endocrinologist (I'm in the UK, so NHS).
At first the response from the endo was what I can only describe as transphobic. He refused to test for estrogen, instead testing for testosterone and a few other hormones, they all came back fine and he wrote me a letter that basically said I was (and I quote) 'hypersesxual'...
My letter back to him was straight to the point - Its GENDER, not SEX! did I really have to tell that to a fully qualified doctor? I was still attracted to my wife, I just was female. My thought processes were female (complex emotions, reading people, empathy - all alien to me previous to this) My orgasms were female, (multi, all over, long time coming - pardon the pun) and at this point, my body was beginning to change, developing huge nips, breasts growing, Hips widening and thighs getting rounder, my waist dropped from 34 to 30, my jeans did not fit (and so used that as an excuse to wear female jeans all the time).
That provoked a phonecall from the endo, and he admitted that he had never heard of aromatisation (what?) and he would write to my GP. He did, and he prescribed Tamoxifen. He did not get any blood tests done so I have no idea what my estrogen was like, he had not even examined me to see my gynocomastia, but prescribed treatment anyway.
Okay, this is the bit; I took the first tablet of tamoxifen, and within 4-5 hours the GD was starting to subside - my wife was right? after a couple of days I really felt male again. Though there were a couple of things not right. My libido was non-existant and (conversely) my orgasms were still female. After 6 weeks of tamoxifen the breasts were reducing, but most of the other 'symptoms' were still there, the GD though was gone. Really gone - I just had a guilt and shame over what I had put my wife through. All the clothes and make-up went to charity/bin (a purge I believe its called).
I contacted the endo again, and said that (from researching) I thought anastrozole would be better. Again without seeing me or taking blood tests he prescribed it. This time I asked my GP to take my E2 (estradiol) and Testosterone levels before I started. My E2 was at the top of the 'normal male range' and my T at the bottom. (These ranges are bigger that the dosage MTFs get put on, so way off IMHO). Anastrozole worked as it should, All functions returned to 'normal' within a few days. Body regained male shape, GD was a memory. 6 weeks later I had another E2 (at my request again) and it had halved, average for a 'man' of my age....
Its been three months since then, and, well... this is where I am starting to get confused. I was late one day taking anastrozole by about 4 hours, I then had a whole night of GD, it just hit me, all those thoughts again . But then, since that night, these thoughts are getting stronger and stronger, the GD (Sarah!) is coming back - and I am scared. sorry, but I am, scared to death. I have searched and searched for answers, I cannot find anything about high oestrogen causing GD. So what does that mean? am I transgender, did I just not know? how can that be? All the things I read are about growing up in the wrong body. That's not my story, I can't lose everything and I know I will. That's been made clear.
If anyone has any idea what is going on I would love to know. I am not back to dressing, but I can feel the need, the wanting to be accepted as female, as Sarah...
I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in about 10 days. This is what prompted this post. What do I say to him, do I ask to be referred to some sort of counselling? The anastrozole is causing me huge amounts of pain, muscle, joints and spine; some days I can hardly walk - do I just stop it and let the estrogen take over? Does anastrozole stop working or get weaker, if so what else is there? I'm running out of options...
So what do I do next...
Over to you lovely people. (please be kind, i am kind of fragile at the mo.).
