I'm not okay

[PeterSteele]

My depression is getting worse.  I got to visit my mom on Friday and came back home today. It hurts that no matter where I'm at I'm never happy. I want to live with my mom and she's way better than my dad and step mom and I can be myself, but depression never leaves. My worse fears are coming true...I want to be tall..I haven't grown in 2 years. I wish I looked masculine and wish I felt okay with at least my appearance. I dyed my hair black on Friday and my relatives grandfather,uncle,step mom,dad,etc. All told me I look ugly and say rude insults like "ew" "it's so dark" "doesn't suit you" "you looked way better before" and "you look like sh"..it hurts. I don't have friends and will be going to school tomorrow after missing Friday and Monday, so i will get rude comments from students and teachers.. I have no talents and losing so much hope. I am never happy. I'm gaining weight and getting more insecure about my feminine body. My dad and step mom want me to keep inviting my fake friends over and keep up good grades and fake that I'm happy and it's so hard. I'm so depressed and gender dysphoria won't leave me alone. No one loves or cares about me. I'm barely even acknowledged. Yes, I am a young teenager, but my life has been getting more unfortunate by the day.

Life is killing me

[The Flying Lemur]

I'm really sorry that everything sucks so much, Peter.  Does your school have guidance counselors?  You can make an appointment to see one without your parents having to give permission.  I'm not a doctor, but you sound clinically depressed to me.  A good counselor might make all the difference.  (And just to be clear that I wouldn't give advice that I wouldn't take myself, I have a therapist, and she's awesome.)

[Elis]

Sorry you're going through this. It's reminiscent of my life at home at your age. Is there someone at school you can talk too? You're being emotionally abused and the school should take that seriously. Or you could go to your mums and stay there if your mum is able to take care of you. Not like your dad or step mum can physically carry you back home. And your mum has a good case for keeping you from what you've described.

Just know you have this forum to to vent

[PeterSteele]

I'm really sorry that everything sucks so much, Peter.  Does your school have guidance counselors?  You can make an appointment to see one without your parents having to give permission.  I'm not a doctor, but you sound clinically depressed to me.  A good counselor might make all the difference.  (And just to be clear that I wouldn't give advice that I wouldn't take myself, I have a therapist, and she's awesome.)

I wish, but I try to talk to my school counselor and she doesn't even sit to to talk to me and just tells me that everything is fine and I can go back to class. She even called me a lesbian when I walked past her. She was next to the vice principal and they both laughed.

[PeterSteele]

Sorry you're going through this. It's reminiscent of my life at home at your age. Is there someone at school you can talk too? You're being emotionally abused and the school should take that seriously. Or you could go to your mums and stay there if your mum is able to take care of you. Not like your dad or step mum can physically carry you back home. And your mum has a good case for keeping you from what you've described.

Just know you have this forum to to vent

Thank you so much. I wish I could live with my mom, but I tried last year during the summer and it was when my mom wasn't stable yet, so now my dad and step mom think she hasn't got any better and won't let me live with her. It's not fair, my dad and step mom dont care about me. My dad misspelled my birth name today and he didn't greet me when I came back today. My step mom always says rude stuff about my mom and I. It hurts. I'm not even allowed to call my mom of text her without permission.

[Elis]

Thank you so much. I wish I could live with my mom, but I tried last year during the summer and it was when my mom wasn't stable yet, so now my dad and step mom think she hasn't got any better and won't let me live with her. It's not fair, my dad and step mom dont care about me. My dad misspelled my birth name today and he didn't greet me when I came back today. My step mom always says rude stuff about my mom and I. It hurts. I'm not even allowed to call my mom of text her without permission.

If your mum is stable can't you go round hers and refuse to go back to your dad's? Seems drastic but it's better than your current situation.

[Ryuichi13]

If your mum is stable can't you go round hers and refuse to go back to your dad's? Seems drastic but it's better than your current situation.

I agree.  Take anything you feel is important and simply refuse to leave your Mom's place.  Maybe you can talk to her about getting legal custody of you.

Remember, not every man is tall.  Many great men in history were/are short.  And once you're on T, with a workout routine, you'll gain muscle that'll help with the female figure.  I'm in my 50s and doing pushups, and I see myself gaining upper body musculature and losing some of the fat around my hips, so its never too late.  And weight can be lost.  Watch what you eat and eat healthily.  Don't try to diet too much, you're still growing. 

I too recommend a therapist.  If nothing else, they can be someone you can vent to in person.  And of course, we're also here for you.

People often don't like change.  Maybe you dyeing your hair shocked your family from the familiar, thus the
(EXTREMELY rude!!!) comments.  I bet you look great!

Ryuichi

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