Kind of Lost

[Zoe23]

EDIT: Thank you all so much for giving me your thoughts. I feel a lot more motivated to go about the next steps to finding out who I am. Once again, thank you all

So for almost a year I've identified myself as MtF. I have not told anyone but a few friends I work with. I also get uncomfortable when people identify me as male or when people compliment my masculine features. I discovered myself as pan-sexual at the early age of 11 and since I was 4 I stood out as being a very feminine child. I have a good handful of memories that make me even more certain that I'm trans. I do experience dysphoria, and sometimes it's so bad that i can't sleep for a full day, sometimes even longer. I hate shaving, I hate talking because of my voice and I'm just lost. I can't tell if I'm truly MtF as some friends say "well you aren't very feminine." If i could change my sex to female right now, permanently, I would, in a heartbeat. Just imagining it makes me comfortable and happy. I would be EXTREMELY grateful for any advice, I'm also 17, almost 18 if that matters.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What you say suggest you are transgender but only you can decide that for sure. I am not sure what resources are available to you but the first step would be for you to see a gender therapist. Therapy would help you work through your feelings and decide what you feel. I have to links that might prove useful. The first link is our WIKI where transgender is defined. The second link is "the transition channel" where you will be able to explore your feelings. Feel free to ask any questions you might have.

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[Tammy Jade]

The best person to help you with this would be a gender councillor & I would strongly suggest finding one.

That said, this is my 2 cents.

From reading what you wrote it sounds like this has been a persistent issue for you for some time. It is generally quite rare for a CIS person to question their gender and if they do it is even more rare that the do it in a ongoing way.

I got the "your not very feminine", "there weren't any signs" & "but your married to a woman" comments from several people close to me and that made me question just like you are.

What I came to realise tho was that it is perfectly ok that I am a Tomboy Lesbian and that it really wasn't those peoples right to tell me I wasn't feminine enough to be my true self.

You have many of the same feelings I had 12months ago when I was in your position, for me overcoming comments like the ones you have got was very difficult and I had doubts right up until I started on HRT. Everyone has doubts and that's perfectly normal.

When I was still questioning I went out with a few people I trusted to safe places (support groups & cinemas) as Tamara and that really made a huge difference because it just felt right.. Don't get me wrong the first couple of times I was super nervous, refused to talk to anyone who I didn't know and came very close to running back out to the car and going home. However after a couple of outings when my nerves settled down it just felt right.

If you have a local support group most people say they find them helpful and even if you only go as your current self I found it helpful to talk to people who understood how I felt and who could relate to it.

I hope this helps it ended up longer then I planed.

-Mara


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[LizK]

So for almost a year I've identified myself as MtF. I have not told anyone but a few friends I work with. I also get uncomfortable when people identify me as male or when people compliment my masculine features. I discovered myself as pan-sexual at the early age of 11 and since I was 4 I stood out as being a very feminine child. I have a good handful of memories that make me even more certain that I'm trans. I do experience dysphoria, and sometimes it's so bad that i can't sleep for a full day, sometimes even longer. I hate shaving, I hate talking because of my voice and I'm just lost. I can't tell if I'm truly MtF as some friends say "well you aren't very feminine." If i could change my sex to female right now, permanently, I would, in a heartbeat. Just imagining it makes me comfortable and happy. I would be EXTREMELY grateful for any advice, I'm also 17, almost 18 if that matters.

Hi Zoe

Glad you found us, sounds to me like you have had to good advice to get some counselling to help you sort through some stuff.

I just wanted to pick up on one point and that is about wether you have seemed feminine enough over the years to really be trans...I think many of us are not sure in the beginning  if there is a number of things you have to experience to be able to call yourself trans. The short answer is no...many here could attest to having been exactly the opposite.

So don't feel as though you had to have been a particularly feminine person prior to discovering you were trans. 

[Denise]

All the comments above are great.  Starting with therapy.

One piece more that is lost in a lot of people especially with their first outing.

Blend in.

Women do not go to the movies in dresses, jewelry and heels like that were going to a ball.  Try this, go to a store a town or two away and go to a store that sells blue jeans.  (I'm 25 miles from an outlet mall with a Levi's outlet.). Try on (men's and women's jeans look the same) a few that are high enough in the waist that you don't show crack when bending over. 

A couple of things I noticed, first women's jeans are the best kept secret from men.  They are very comfortable.  Two, no one will notice.  Wear them out to a store, to class, to... Wherever.  You'll get comfortable as time goes on.  Then start adding more and more.

This will help you decide if this is right.  You can do other things too like let your hair grow, pierce your ears, wear female underwear (careful wearing bras, they can show and a part on the back will out you.

Again therapy is a great step I found it relaxing and helped me through the tough times.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

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[Paige]

I can't tell if I'm truly MtF as some friends say "well you aren't very feminine."

Hi Zoe,

Just a thought. I would add that many here have had very "masculine" jobs.  Many have been in the military.  I think a lot of transgender people try to hide their feminine side because they're embarrassed by it.  I for one learned at a very young age it wasn't wise to show my feminine side.  What your friends see may be an act you've learned to hide your true identity.  As others have said a therapist would help you figure this out.

Take care and good luck with your journey,
Paige

[Tommie_9]

All the comments above are great.  Starting with therapy.

One piece more that is lost in a lot of people especially with their first outing.

Blend in.

Women do not go to the movies in dresses, jewelry and heels like that were going to a ball.  Try this, go to a store a town or two away and go to a store that sells blue jeans.  (I'm 25 miles from an outlet mall with a Levi's outlet.). Try on (men's and women's jeans look the same) a few that are high enough in the waist that you don't show crack when bending over. 

A couple of things I noticed, first women's jeans are the best kept secret from men.  They are very comfortable.  Two, no one will notice.  Wear them out to a store, to class, to... Wherever.  You'll get comfortable as time goes on.  Then start adding more and more.

This will help you decide if this is right.  You can do other things too like let your hair grow, pierce your ears, wear female underwear (careful wearing bras, they can show and a part on the back will out you.

Again therapy is a great step I found it relaxing and helped me through the tough times.

Good luck and keep us up to date.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

These are excellent tips. Girl/women's clothing, underwear, shoes, are way more comfortable and fit me better than men's clothing, jeans especially. After trying on regular women's jeans, I found that junior and petite sizes fit me better -- the waste has a lower rise, which fits me better. So, try stuff on to find out what fits you best. Everything I wear is girl/woman/androgynous stuff. I'm not a skirt and heels kind of gender queer-girl. My groove is more of a tomboy-lesbian look, but sometimes I put the bra and lipstick on before I go out when I'm feeling it. As Denise suggested, try this out and see if it makes you feel more comfortable gender-wise. Everybody's different.

Here's a link to a listing of gender therapists in the USA and Canada. I found mine with this listing, and she's great.

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/transgender

Sending good vibes your way.

[Ajessica250]

First I want to say that what Denise said is absolutely correct. Dressing low key as to not draw attention to yourself is a great way to get more comfortable with your wardrobe. On occasion it is cool to dress up how ever you want, for instance this Halloween I will be dressing up as a blue butter fly, I am going to have some fun.

As for some of the things you said,
"I also get uncomfortable when people identify me as male"
I said to my Psychiatrist one time, I am trying to present as female but people are still not seeing me in a feminine way. She told me that it did not matter how others perceive you but rather what matters is how you feel. If you feel you are presenting as female then that should be good enough for you.

"I do experience dysphoria, and sometimes it's so bad that i can't sleep for a full day, sometimes even longer."
Talking with a counselor really helped me sleep better. Before I had received any professional help for my Gender Dysphoria I had trouble sleeping, I could toss and turn all night and get little to no sleep. When I did get some sleep, every time I would awake I was always reminded that I was in a male body. After talking with a Counselor and being referred to a Dr who has experience with transgender patience I am feeling and sleeping way better. Asking for help because you experience Gender Dysphoria now is much better then being afraid to say anything and waiting 20 years before you ask for help.

"I hate shaving, I hate talking because of my voice and I'm just lost. I can't tell if I'm truly MtF as some friends say "well you aren't very feminine." "
Again it should not matter what others think of you. Become comfortable with yourself. It will take time to get better at appearing more feminine. If you did not grow up around beauty culture you are starting from scratch. One thing you do need is a best friend or voice of reason who will stop you from going out in some hideous ->-bleeped-<- that would make a peacock blush.

"I'm also 17, almost 18 if that matters."
All of us have been born at sometime.