Outed by an unknown source and very unhappy about it!

[eyesk8rboi]

Okay...So let me throw the disclaimer that this is partially my fault. I am a very open person, and my grandparents do not do the interwebs...No social media, just looking up recipes or places to go. Alright....That being said, I am VERY open on social media, and by very open, I also mean I am VERY clear about things.

I am not shy on Facebook about being Trans, I have friends, family, and very select ex and current co-workers...

Alright...So here's the beef. I still haven't come out to my grandmother....But someone whom I worked with at Wal-Mart, whom I have not yet identified, had the audacity to just talk to her about it. Like...I understand that my personal information is on my social media account, but even if my grandmother was fully aware, which I have made clear that she is NOT, why would anyone feel the need, or think it was appropriate, to bring this up with my grandmother...IN A PUBLIC PLACE!

Nana is a very devout Christian lady whom I love with all my heart and this kind of heart breaking news that her golden grandchild (aka me...the one who is like a child to her, the one who can do virtually no wrong, the favorite, the one that knows her better than any of her own children ever have, the one who made the call that she COULD NOT handle seeing my late aunt in the state she was buried in, the one who talked their own mother out buying her a purse because it didn't have enough pockets) is a godless, queer who is going to burn in hell is NOT what she needed.

NOW BEFORE YOU ROAST MY NANA...She's VERY old fashion, and she means the very best, and she's from small town Alabama...Our whole family is...But most of us are just kind of like, in the current times, and my grandparents are not so much. I am not upset that my Nana didn't take this news well as I knew she wouldn't...I am upset that it didn't come from me, and came form an unidentified source, I am upset because she is upset, and subsequently my mother is having to deal with, and then it all comes back to me.

I have already been feeling guilty...My grandfather, the kind of guy who literally write "Happy birthday, I love you, Love Bob" in every birthday card, recently told me in my Birthday card that I was always like a daughter to him. It was a sweet sentiment and though they were unaware, the guilt was real...Pile that on with the guild of lying and hiding who I am around them, and now with the guilt of know my grandmother is probably heartbroken and praying for my soul as we speak.

My mom told her not to tell me, and she did text me, but it was about some of my aunt's things that she set aside for me to snag next time I come to visit, but I don't even want to look her in the eye...I don't know if she is intentionally quilting me or just trying to make sure that I know that she loves me, but she said that she loved me so much and even if I'm a grown up I'll always be her baby. Cue sobbing fit in my office at work.

So guilt, guilt, and not the dastardly guild of knowing she knows, and pretending that I don't...I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up...but I'd like to wait to have the conversation until I've got a few good points for her. I am not a Christian, but I was raised as such, and I would like to scope out some bible verses and maybe even videos that may help her cope and understand that I'm not going to go to hell...I.e. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made in gods image and he knew everything I would before I was even crafted in the womb, so obviously it's okay with him or he wouldn't have made me...

Well what about free choice, God gave us that??
You know...he did...and you know...Adam and Eve at the fruit...
And you know he punished them for it, but nowhere in the bible does it say that they ended up going to hell for disobeying his teachings.

There is nothing outwardly about being trans in the bible...And even if there was, it would probably right there in the old testament with don't shave your face, cover your hair when you pray, don't wear poly/cotton blends and DEFINITELY don't eat them abominate shrimps.

God does not comfort me, but who am I to take his comfort away from someone else, you know? I want to be supportive of her faith in God, because if I'm requesting any for of acceptance, it's the least I can do.

In a way a weight it lifted because it breaks the ice and helps me prepare, but I'm still livid at the audacity...I called this unknown person out, but I doubt they'll have the courage to come forward and rectify or apologize for their actions. And honestly, I don't care if they do. The guilt can eat them away just as much as it's eating me.

UUGGGGGH. End rant.

TL;DR....Unidentified ex coworker told my Nana I was trans, she didn't know, there was no reason to do it, Nana thinks I'm going to hell, but still loves me, but yeah...brimstone and fire.

[eyesk8rboi]

THERE'S TOO MANY TYPOS AND I'M TOO LAZY TO FIX THEM

[RobynD]

Sorry that happened. Like you said, why in the world would anyone make small talk about your gender identification, if not to "stir up" things. You have every right to have some disdain for whomever did that.

Of course the odds were not in your favor, the longer she did not know but that doesn't make it right.

You may be underestimating her love for you though and her ability to adapt. Here is a big opportunity for someone that has grown up with a wrong and very culturally limited view on LGTB+ people to know and understand the whole thing because it now hits very close to home for her. Nothing you are doing is shameful despite some people's attempts at making it so and so you have the moral high ground to expect her to play it out with love and understanding. That is a very reasonable expectation of someone in 2017, no matter where you are from and how old you are.

I'd be clear that this is not the way you wanted to come out to her and the emotions around your hesitation to do so, but that is as much of a defensive posture as i would ever take. Maybe the next part of the conversation should be something like... "ok now that its all out there, what would you like to know? " etc. As far as being ready with some spiritual sort of material to back you up, yeah that could be good but i would not use it unless she tried to make a contrary argument.

It could be that this will drive a better relationship and one where she knows the entire you.

[Gertrude]

Well, we can't choose our relatives, but we can choose how we feel and react. Maybe it's an opportunity to bring grandma into the 21st century. Look up a ted talk by pastor mark wingfield. Maybe that will help, give you ideas or even grandma can watch it. Most people don't understand why they believe what they believe, maybe it's an opportunity for grandma to find out.


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[The Flying Lemur]

First of all, this situation really sucks.  I agree that the person who outed you probably just wants to stir the pot, and they had no right to run their mouths to your grandmother.  I'm not out to my grandma either; she's had several strokes and is easily confused.  I don't want to make her feel any more lost.  If someone outed me to her, I'd seriously want to kick their ass.

That said, there may be a way to present things to your grandmother that will help her understand.  If her issue is the "God doesn't make mistakes" one, then point out that your mind and your body are at war with each other.  Assuming that God made you perfectly, he made both your mind and your body.  So either he intentionally doomed you to permanent gender dysphoria, or something has got to give.  Why would it be it a sin to change your body to fit your mind?  We've all tried to get our minds to change to match our bodies, and it doesn't work.  Aren't immortal mind and spirit supposed to be more important than the mortal body anyway? 

For that matter, Galatians 3:28 points out that in Christ, there is neither male nor female.  Souls are not men and women.  They are just themselves.  When you die, it will be your faith* and your actions that will determine what happens to you in eternity, not whether you lived your life as a man or a woman.

* Maybe don't tell her you're non-religious and trans in the same conversation.

For the sake of full disclosure, I'm not really religious anymore, but I was for a long time.  If I ever sort out my misery over the actions of some *****y self-proclaimed Christians, maybe I will be again.

[eyesk8rboi]

Sorry that happened. Like you said, why in the world would anyone make small talk about your gender identification, if not to "stir up" things. You have every right to have some disdain for whomever did that.

Of course the odds were not in your favor, the longer she did not know but that doesn't make it right.

You may be underestimating her love for you though and her ability to adapt. Here is a big opportunity for someone that has grown up with a wrong and very culturally limited view on LGTB+ people to know and understand the whole thing because it now hits very close to home for her. Nothing you are doing is shameful despite some people's attempts at making it so and so you have the moral high ground to expect her to play it out with love and understanding. That is a very reasonable expectation of someone in 2017, no matter where you are from and how old you are.

I'd be clear that this is not the way you wanted to come out to her and the emotions around your hesitation to do so, but that is as much of a defensive posture as i would ever take. Maybe the next part of the conversation should be something like... "ok now that its all out there, what would you like to know? " etc. As far as being ready with some spiritual sort of material to back you up, yeah that could be good but i would not use it unless she tried to make a contrary argument.

It could be that this will drive a better relationship and one where she knows the entire you.

Exactly....I found out last night when my mom called me that whomever it was stated that they were disgusted. Like, even if my grandmother did know, what makes you think it's appropriate to talk s**t about someone's grandchild to their face. No tact, no respect, and no consideration of the damage they could have caused. I'm fairly certain I've pinpointed who it was, and I've made an open call out several times for them to tell me to my face, because I at least deserve the closure.

My mom and I have actually discussed that the longer it takes, the better my grandmother will feel, because she'd probably have some mad respect for me just trying to save face and trying not to hurt her, or make her feel uncomfortable or upset. She's an odd lady.

Well, we can't choose our relatives, but we can choose how we feel and react. Maybe it's an opportunity to bring grandma into the 21st century. Look up a ted talk by pastor mark wingfield. Maybe that will help, give you ideas or even grandma can watch it. Most people don't understand why they believe what they believe, maybe it's an opportunity for grandma to find out.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

I'll have to look into that. I originally thought about talking to her pastor, therefore my old one, and seeing if maybe he could assist me in telling her, but that was a really dumb idea, because at my aunt's funeral he came up to me and asked me if I was still good with god, and living the way god would want me to...So I lied to him to avoid conflict, and then after the funeral he confronted me about how I'd been talking about therapy to my cousins and he asked why I was in therapy, and I told him for depression and anxiety, which is partially true, and he told me that therapy isn't bad but faith in god is better...Sooooo needless to say, at least he shut me down before I even tried!

My cousin came out as Gay a while back and only dated women for a while, Nana was so upset, but she eventually came to the conclusion that even if she didn't agree with her choices that it wasn't her place to judge and she even treated her girlfriend as she did the rest of our boyfriends and girlfriends, so it gives me hope, especially considering I am the favorite. (I say was dating women...She says she's not Gay anymore because she has a boyfriend, but being Gay isn't something you go to and come back from, it's okay to like both, OBVIOUSLY, but you can't erase that you were "gay" for a while from the face of the planet. xD)

First of all, this situation really sucks.  I agree that the person who outed you probably just wants to stir the pot, and they had no right to run their mouths to your grandmother.  I'm not out to my grandma either; she's had several strokes and is easily confused.  I don't want to make her feel any more lost.  If someone outed me to her, I'd seriously want to kick their ass.

That said, there may be a way to present things to your grandmother that will help her understand.  If her issue is the "God doesn't make mistakes" one, then point out that your mind and your body are at war with each other.  Assuming that God made you perfectly, he made both your mind and your body.  So either he intentionally doomed you to permanent gender dysphoria, or something has got to give.  Why would it be it a sin to change your body to fit your mind?  We've all tried to get our minds to change to match our bodies, and it doesn't work.  Aren't immortal mind and spirit supposed to be more important than the mortal body anyway? 

For that matter, Galatians 3:28 points out that in Christ, there is neither male nor female.  Souls are not men and women.  They are just themselves.  When you die, it will be your faith* and your actions that will determine what happens to you in eternity, not whether you lived your life as a man or a woman.

* Maybe don't tell her you're non-religious and trans in the same conversation.

For the sake of full disclosure, I'm not really religious anymore, but I was for a long time.  If I ever sort out my misery over the actions of some *****y self-proclaimed Christians, maybe I will be again.

THAT is a really good Bible verse, so thank you for sharing that!!
I was baptized and raised Southern Baptist, so I know what it's like...I don't want to say I stopped believing in god, or some form of god, but I definitely stopped believing in organized Christianity. And honesty, if I could choose every aspect, I would love to believe. A church can be a great family in a time of need, and believing that your loved ones that have passed are in heaven is a soothing thought, but there's just too much evil and bad in this world for me to think that there is some all-knowing man in the sky who loves us, but craves for us to worship him and punishes us if we don't....And even if I didn't believe it, at this point, it would make me angry to serve a god like that. 

But getting back on track with the conversation.
Like, I know that most of us in the community don't like having being transgender classified as a mental illness, but it is a form a body dismorphic disorder, and I'm hoping that if I explain the psychology about it maybe that will help, that way she understanding it's not just some sinful thing I've chosen to do because I don't read my Bible.
As my mom has said many a time, why would any one CHOSE to be something other than cisgendered and heterosexual, when there is so much stigma, and hatred that the LGBTQ+ community undergoes...It's getting a littler better, but it's still pretty bad. Especially here in the south. If I could choose my gender identity and sexuality, I would have my mind fit my body, that's the easiest way to go; but that's just now how it works. And I'm hoping that if I explain to her that it's not something that I'm just doing for the hell of it, and that it's actually a struggle I faced silently for years that she'll have a little bit more respect for who I am. She still loves me and told yesterday, after all of that, that I will always be her baby.

But she also doesn't know that I know that she knows.