Faith's Progress

[fleurgirl]

This post has been moved to: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244522.0.html

Thank you for your responses here, though!

- Fleurgirl

[Linde]

SOOO I have decided to begin transitioning again! I am so excited for the future ahead of me and tonight was the first night in almost a year that I dressed up. No E, just makeup and some filters. Can't wait <3 I cried.

--My transition progress document/journal I started:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T7gXOY8FlskWRnyX97M2mamk_cq3zOSeVN695pxSpFk/edit?usp=sharing

Reading your tragic story makes me feel very sad, no young person deserves all this tragic!
I am glad that you finally found yourself again, and you will become a beautiful young woman.  Just give it some time, it will work!  It worked with all of us (well some of us were not that lucky to be as young as you), or is still working, and you will be our little, pretty sister in the future!
Good luck for you, and if you have problems, we are here and listen, because we are your sisters!
Lots of hugs!
Linde

[fleurgirl]

Reading your tragic story makes me feel very sad, no young person deserves all this tragic!
I am glad that you finally found yourself again, and you will become a beautiful young woman.  Just give it some time, it will work!  It worked with all of us (well some of us were not that lucky to be as young as you), or is still working, and you will be our little, pretty sister in the future!
Good luck for you, and if you have problems, we are here and listen, because we are your sisters!
Lots of hugs!
Linde

Thank you so much for your support, Linde <3

[DawnOday]

Faith.. As I have stated before you could be my doppelganger. I don't see men. I see gorgeous women. We are still gorgeous even at this late stage in our lives. The thing I regret more than not transitioning earlier is not having knowledge of all those who have gone before and therefore not being able to support them. I hid for so many years, being leery of everyone. I had not made a new friend in over thirty years. Luckily, I had my family who love me unconditionally. My parents and grandparents are long since gone so I didn't have to explain to them. But coming out to my friends from college, high school and elementary school has been surprisingly well accepted. The relief of the reveal has been a real game changer. Yes, not everyone is going for it. But they are mostly people that I didn't know that well. Now that I have something in common, I am making friends again. Enjoying time with them and sharing our experiences. I still sometimes go negative in my therapy session but Erica always brings me back by reminding me it is not my fault, I am not weird, I am not creepy, I am a human being, being human. Love to you Faith and your lovely wife. You are blessed. You matter, we all matter.

Fleurgirl.. I wish I had a magic wand and wave it over you and so many others. I am amazed at the spirit that has been disrupted due to circumstances beyond our control. I know I have had no control over it throughout the years. All it would take is to meet my first wife and you would see, as a guy I may have been the luckiest one in the world. But even with that I could not stop putting on dresses and makeup. I could not go without losing interest in sex which I could have had as much as I wanted. Instead I checked into hotels in order to dress up while telling her I was on fishing trips. I know what it is like to hate oneself, to hate that thing that assigns us at birth and knowing somehow someway, something is wrong. I am glad to hear you are transitioning again and hope all your dreams come true. You are lovely, You are important, You are a woman. You have friends looking out for you. If you ever doubt yourself again don't hesitate to ask for help. If you can put up with talking to old ladies, I'm here for you.

[fleurgirl]

Fleurgirl.. I wish I had a magic wand and wave it over you and so many others. I am amazed at the spirit that has been disrupted due to circumstances beyond our control. I know I have had no control over it throughout the years. All it would take is to meet my first wife and you would see, as a guy I may have been the luckiest one in the world. But even with that I could not stop putting on dresses and makeup. I could not go without losing interest in sex which I could have had as much as I wanted. Instead I checked into hotels in order to dress up while telling her I was on fishing trips. I know what it is like to hate oneself, to hate that thing that assigns us at birth and knowing somehow someway, something is wrong. I am glad to hear you are transitioning again and hope all your dreams come true. You are lovely, You are important, You are a woman. You have friends looking out for you. If you ever doubt yourself again don't hesitate to ask for help. If you can put up with talking to old ladies, I'm here for you.

Old lady? You don't look a day over 20, hehe. Thank you for your support and for offering me help, especially with doubting myself and how I feel deep down. I am happy to be surrounded by a community of women like you girls!

[DawnOday]

fleurgirl. Oh please stop. Everyone tells me that.     XXOO

[Faith]

struggle struggle struggle. No, I can't share all of it - too personal. The obvious stuff is, well, obvious to any of us going through this.  I did manage to get a therapist appointment for Friday, 2 weeks early, because of an opening. I really need it. I hope it helps.

Let me share an unshareable photo so you can see what I'm dealing with. An outdoor photo with no filters.

look fast as I will likely delete it.

I hope everyone else's week/month is going better than mine.

[Jessica_Rose]

Faith, we are our own worst enemies. You are beautiful. I hope your therapy session goes well.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[randim]

Faith hon, you beat yourself up without mercy.  Please don't.  You are lovely, unique and special.  Make some room in your heart to love yourself.

[Michelle_P]

Faith, you are a good looking older woman.

Our brains are funny things.  They store our facial and body image in networks that map out our physicality, apparently for some pretty basic functionality.  That storage evolved for beings that change very, very slowly.  When we change anything about ourselves, our image in the mirror no longer matches that stored image.

That mismatch triggers discomfort in everyone.  When a woman gets a new hairstyle, they'll see a stranger in the mirror, and there will be some disquiet at that experience.  Hopefully they will like the new style enough to overcome that discomfort.  (I feel this when I have changed my hairstyle, and it takes a while to pass.)

Changes in the lines of our face from Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), surgery, or something as simple as removing a beard that has been there for decades are going to trigger a stronger and more persistent sensation of discomfort.  We are used to hair on our heads changing from day to day as we brush it or try things out, but our faces normally change incredibly slowly and the old brain can't handle this well.  (And Facial Feminization Surgery!  I still don't see in the mirror what is in photographs after 6 months.)

Add on that layer of dysphoria, body discomfort, and the social side of being out, and there are a lot of negative pressures on us.  These all impact our self image.

I honestly do not have a magical fix for this.  My therapist suggested spending a few minutes looking in the mirror each day to help 'remap' my internal self image.  Thats hard.  I find myself running through my Metta to stay calm when doing this some days.

May I be happy.
May I know my true worth.
May I know that I am lovable.
May I love myself with ease.

[Linde]

struggle struggle struggle. No, I can't share all of it - too personal. The obvious stuff is, well, obvious to any of us going through this.  I did manage to get a therapist appointment for Friday, 2 weeks early, because of an opening. I really need it. I hope it helps.

Let me share an unshareable photo so you can see what I'm dealing with. An outdoor photo with no filters.
look fast as I will likely delete it.

I hope everyone else's week/month is going better than mine.

And what am I to see there?  I see an older woman, with gray hair that is held to the back>  i don't really like the jeans shirt!  Am I missing something?
And I think you will love Eva!

[Faith]

Yes, I am all the cliches when it comes to self image. I know this, it doesn't help. My brain still screams at me .. GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY GUY ... I can see so much of my Mom and yet I still see him and that over-shadows everything.

Michelle, we've spoken, or at least you've posted, about internal brain mappings before. It's one of the reasons I take daily selfies and look at them .. sometimes for a few seconds!!  I try to look into the mirror, that broad look without focusing. It's OK, again, for a few seconds. Any longer and I will break down and cry. That and the more of my body that I can see, the worse it is.

I 'pass', I suppose, for the most part. I get ma'am'd even when alone. I can even speak most times without ruining it. Politeness? I have not tested this w/o makeup. no no no no no. I dress up even at home right now to keep the demons at bay.

I spoke to the insurance lady here at work today, I don't think she realized that I was transgender until I spoke (I did not try to hide my voice). That and the specific questions I had regarding 'medically necessary' and mammograms.

Linde, the jean top, you'd have to see the rest of it. It is most definitely a woman's top

I had a sit down lunch with a gal friend here at work (the one from my accidental inspiration thread). She's having a very tough time right now. I got her to relax a bit, even a smile. She's says I make her feel so much better just by being around. I'll have to give her hourly hugs for a while, I think. We spoke about her, (private) we spoke about me (you all know most of that). She point blank said that she sees only a woman when she looks at me. How I carry myself, how I look, how I dress, my facial expressions, yes ... even my voice. She doesn't have to do any of that mental transposition of he/she. To her, I am Faith/she/her .. girl friend. Oh, and she loves my sense of style and how it suits me.

If I could accept fully what I am told by people that I associate with, I'd be one happy woman with no need for a therapist. Ahh, but there is sooo much wrong with me ...

I feel better after meeting her for lunch. Sure, I make her feel better yet she also does the same for me. Isn't that what friends are for?

[Faith]

I went to play music last night, it didn't go well.  At least I manged to correct a few people that are willing to try.

Similar to karaoke, names are put on a board for your turn. I looked and there in the middle of it was 'John'. I went up to the woman tracking the board and asked if that was on there for me, she said yes. I asked her to take it off, my name is Faith. She just looked at me and said, "Well, we know you as John so ......" I interrupted with, "It doesn't matter, my name is Faith, take it off".

She erased the name as I walked away, she did not write Faith in there. I did not sing, I left early. There was more to the evening, I don't feel like recounting it.

I am debating going back again. On the one hand I enjoy playing and singing plus the opportunity for people to adjust and get used to me and direct them into appropriate name and gender. On the other hand, some will kick and scream all the way, others will refuse completely .. I don't need that. I do need my music. There is no place else for me to sit in and play.

I think I'll share on Facebook. Maybe, just maybe, one of them will see it and spread the word. Either that or I'll become unwelcome .. either way it may settle.

[SarahWithin]

I went to play music last night, it didn't go well.  At least I manged to correct a few people that are willing to try.

Similar to karaoke, names are put on a board for your turn. I looked and there in the middle of it was 'John'. I went up to the woman tracking the board and asked if that was on there for me, she said yes. I asked her to take it off, my name is Faith. She just looked at me and said, "Well, we know you as John so ......" I interrupted with, "It doesn't matter, my name is Faith, take it off".

She erased the name as I walked away, she did not write Faith in there. I did not sing, I left early. There was more to the evening, I don't feel like recounting it.

I am debating going back again. On the one hand I enjoy playing and singing plus the opportunity for people to adjust and get used to me and direct them into appropriate name and gender. On the other hand, some will kick and scream all the way, others will refuse completely .. I don't need that. I do need my music. There is no place else for me to sit in and play.

I think I'll share on Facebook. Maybe, just maybe, one of them will see it and spread the word. Either that or I'll become unwelcome .. either way it may settle.

You just go on being your beautiful self, hon. Surely there are other towns near you where you can sit in. People that insist on being jerks get whatever they deserve. I feel sorry for people like that because they have themselves to live with. That surely can't be the most pleasant existence on earth. Your music will always be a part of you, no matter what. And it's part of what makes your beauty shine through.

[Northern Star Girl]

You just go on being your beautiful self, hon. Surely there are other towns near you where you can sit in. People that insist on being jerks get whatever they deserve. I feel sorry for people like that because they have themselves to live with. That surely can't be the most pleasant existence on earth. Your music will always be a part of you, no matter what. And it's part of what makes your beauty shine through.

@Faith   
Dear Faith:
I want you to read again... and again...  what our lovely member @SarahWithin wrote to you in her comment above.
She is right on with what she is suggesting to you.  ....
    Yes, "You just go on being your beautiful self"
Please understand there are jerks wherever we go and whatever we do we will run into them.   
I personally have experienced that here where I live in my small town... it is not a pleasant thing for sure.

Basically when we hear unsavory and demeaning comments from those we do not care about then why should we care what they say?  ... But of course that is easier said than done.
   
Of course my advice is worth what you pay for it ... 
...but wherever you go... find your accepting friends and stay near to them. 
I most pleasantly found support from my accepting friends as they came to my defense when I needed them.... they are my body guards!!!   Safety in numbers.

Hugs and well wishes, [emoji172]
Danielle

[krobinson103]

Faith, you are a good looking older woman.

Our brains are funny things.  They store our facial and body image in networks that map out our physicality, apparently for some pretty basic functionality.  That storage evolved for beings that change very, very slowly.  When we change anything about ourselves, our image in the mirror no longer matches that stored image.

That mismatch triggers discomfort in everyone.  When a woman gets a new hairstyle, they'll see a stranger in the mirror, and there will be some disquiet at that experience.  Hopefully they will like the new style enough to overcome that discomfort.  (I feel this when I have changed my hairstyle, and it takes a while to pass.)

Changes in the lines of our face from Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), surgery, or something as simple as removing a beard that has been there for decades are going to trigger a stronger and more persistent sensation of discomfort.  We are used to hair on our heads changing from day to day as we brush it or try things out, but our faces normally change incredibly slowly and the old brain can't handle this well.  (And Facial Feminization Surgery!  I still don't see in the mirror what is in photographs after 6 months.)

Add on that layer of dysphoria, body discomfort, and the social side of being out, and there are a lot of negative pressures on us.  These all impact our self image.

I honestly do not have a magical fix for this.  My therapist suggested spending a few minutes looking in the mirror each day to help 'remap' my internal self image.  Thats hard.  I find myself running through my Metta to stay calm when doing this some days.

May I be happy.
May I know my true worth.
May I know that I am lovable.
May I love myself with ease.

I can relate to that. After the many changes that have happened over the last year and a half I sometimes look in the mirror and say "is that really me?" The old resident self image has zero match to the woman I see today. Everyone says "her" and "she" and I almost catch myself looking around then realizing the "she" is me. The way I see the world, the things I do, what I wear, my ease with social situations the old voice inside keeps trying to say its not me!

The truth is really simple, I am me the way I was meant to be. I think that's the hardest truth for any of us to learn. If somehow we don't match some imaginary perfect 'norm' who cares?

[Faith]

The only other jam is on Mondays with basically the same group of people. Not exactly a change for the better.

Jerk comments hurt because they resonate within us. A deep seated 'we won't make it' 'we'll never be' doubt flares up from every deadname, every misgender, every odd look. I'm tired and I'm barely getting started.

Today I'm distressed over all the things I am putting my wife through. The better that I feel about myself, the worse she feels because he is gone. I can feel him I can see him, she cannot. It's a very mean trick to be played on us.

Within my first 5 mins at work this morning, I get misgendered. I'm all made up, a nice top, a red skirt, and I get he/him. I took one selfie and closed it up right away, I can't even look.

AND I forgot my heart pendant that Debi gave to me. I specifically picked this outfit for the look and the fact that the pendant would go perfectly with it - especially today.

why do I bother

[Linde]

why do I bother

Because you know that you are a woman! 
Sometimes the world around us has no sensitivity, sometimes it is because some people have certain mental conditions who prevent them to read your feelings (I am one of these people).  They don't mean to hurt you, they just don't understand why you feel hurt about their comments!  I have lost some friends because of my inability, about being able to read between the lines or interpret facial expressions.  I have learned over times how to control myself, but once in a while I still slip!  And you may run into people like I, who are not able to have a feeling for what they say?

[TonyaW]

Sucks how one he or him or dead name can bring us down so fast and so far sometimes.  Really can't understand why any would not just correct the name and move on.  Why should it matter to them?

I really liked that article you shared on Facebook about being misgendered. Maybe you should hand out copies of it next time you go. 



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[Faith]

I know it's not news to others and similar to many. I get brought down so easily

then again .. I am now in a better mood. Granted my nose is stuffy and runny at the same time from the perfume I'm wearing ... I didn't put any on, it's from all the hugs at work today :O