To start with I just want to point out that I know it is silly of me to say I want to be cis (because I believe all trans want to be cis). The reason for me sharing and seeking more advice from fellow trans people, is because I even after a long period knowing I am trans, still feel that transitioning never will make me a women. On the other hand, living as a guy sounds depressing (I honestly want to get rid of all the stuff that FTMs dreams of). Therefore, no matter what I do, I am unsure to whether I will find happiness. Honestly, I do not know what (if anything), of realistic possibilities, will make me happy.
For the past three years Ive questioned my identity, talked with gender therapist etc., and really tried to figure out my feelings. I'd say before this point (up until age 24) I had never questioned things that much before: I liked wearing female clothing, was embarrassed by this fact and was afraid of ever letting anyone know my deepest secret of female underwear. Other than that just a normal boy who liked girls, and all of that (Even if I had a feeling of being 'different'). From age 10 up to current age I have had cycles, in the first year I bought some female clothing and then at some point felt ashamed (and that this was not right for me to wear) so I threw them in the trash, then maybe half a year after I bought some stuff again, however, now (if I were to get rid of everything) the 'trans feeling' would probably come back after max a week (compared to previously half a year). Four years ago I even watched a documentary about a FTM transitioning, my thought then was that even if I have some of the same 'trans' feelings, the transition part seemed to be "too much".
By now I've accepted my feelings which has increased in strength the more I have been thinking about them (or talked about them with therapist), but even if I know I have the same feelings as is labeled transgender, I am unsure about medical transition. I was told to try out things, for example makeup, go out as 'female' in public and other 'small steps', but unfortunately for me every step increases my 'urge to look like an attractive girl' (for that matter to "be" a girl) — Even if I look nothing like a girl with makeup on. I've seen a couple of documentaries on gay people coming out: One was asked if she could get rid of her 'gay feelings' whether she would (she said yes) and a guy said he was planning to hide his gay feelings for the rest of his life but that the feeling was a 'ticking bomb' and came out (when the bombed ticked) after all — Summed up, that is how I feel of these 'trans' feelings. Honestly, I want to be a girl. Not transgender. Not a boy wanting to be a girl. I just envy the curves, breasts (and other parts), soft skin, femininity so much.
But even if my mind screams to 'look like', 'feel like' and 'be' a girl, I am unsure about it all. I am able to accept the feelings, but unsure about becoming a patient for the rest of my life (i.e. HRT) and not to forget all the surgeries. Even if I want to 'be' this so very much, I am unsure if I would ever be able to pull it of, or for that matter 'accept myself' after transitioning. In worst case I'd look like a man, and in best case I'd look like a woman looking like a man. I also feel a little 'envy' by looking at FTMs (even if they have their struggles as well), a lot of them go from pretty girls to handsome (and I am talking about, way more handsome than most 'cis' males) and not one (at least from all the transitions I've seen) does not pass. MTF a different story, a lot of people I've seen transitioning at age 18-20 do not pass (Caution: I just have to note that I clicked on a post of a FTM and thought it was MTF, and told myself that 'he' does not pass as a 'she'; What I mean is that when I look at before/after pics, my mind is prepared to find 'faults', not something I would necessarily have noticed by passing someone in the street without a 'before' picture)
I am wondering whether anyone has similar experience (acknowledging their 'trans' feelings but unsure about what to do) and how you dealt with it. I have also seen some people 'choosing' not to transition, does anyone have experience with choosing not to transition, but then having a 'ticking bomb' inside growing in size every day and ending up transitioning after all?
I would do 'anything' not to transition, but am unsure about the reality of that (as I feel this 'bomb' of envy building up every time I see a girl)
On the one side I dream of being a girl, while on the other I just want to be the boy I look like.
