Hello, Needing some info for some important decisions

[krobinson103]

Hello,

I've hit a bit of a cross roads and need some information / perspective I'd ask my wife / family but I suspect it might be somewhat... upsetting for them!

A bit of back story first I suppose

Firstly while being male, I've never really identified with it, at school I noticed both males and females, when I got older at uni I experimented on both sides of the gender line and neither struck me as right. Eventually, I decided that being openly gay was possibly the best option.

Then I went to Korea for 13 years. Over there the stigma would have been huge, given I'm happy either way I decided to 'conform' for a while. Met my wife, we got married, and for 10 years or so it was all good. However, there has always been a huge elephant in the room. I like to please her, but in order to actually enjoy it myself, or even function at all I have to visual being her. That was ok, it was a struggle, but we have two lovely girls, and family, work, and leisure are all working well.

For a few years now, as I get past 40 I've 'suffered' from low T, which to means is no great hardship. In fact I welcome it in that I have developed some lovely little breasts as the balances change, with a little visualization and will power, and  some selective eating have even consented to grow somewhat for me - rather painfully I must say I could leave it there, but just that small change makes me so much happier. Means I'm pretty much non functional as a male, but I don't care. It goes without saying that this has caused some friction, but there are other ways to meet your partners needs than a penis anyway, and sex is only a small part of the equation.

Point is, if my body wants to give up being male I'm all for it. It means I actually look the way I feel inside. There is however some issues around what my family would feel. Work would be fine as I am established in my career and the way I look is less important than the fact I get to help a lot of really special kids to deal with their own personal barriers and issues.

For the last year or so I've been more and more convinced that something has to change. I could 'fix' the hormone imbalance I suppose, but I don't want to. I'd rather let my body go on the journey it obviously wants to start, and what I've wanted / wished for a very long time. I like the way I'm not so muscular anymore, I like the way I feel with the lower levels of T as well - somewhat calmer and more in tune with the world.

Next steps? Do I go on being a somewhat dysfunctional male and support the expectations, or is selfish to really be the person you know you are? Anyway, hopefully someone has some perspective on this because its getting harder to accept the disconnect with what I feel, and what I see.

Thank you.

[DawnOday]

My advice is to see a gender therapist. She put my mind at ease and gave me the will to pursue a 60 year old dream. Thankfully my family has been fabulous. Another suggestion is to find a support group in the area to join. Especially one that welcomes Significant Others. After years of feeling alone, it is nice to see other people working on the same issue as you.

[HappyMoni]

I don't think these feelings go away in fact my experience is they get stronger as you get older. I would hate to see you miserable for years trying to run from it. I would try to figure out what it will mean for your life. Face it. Yes a therapist is good. Actual experience of presenting before others as female will tell you a lot too. Experiments of this kind could be out of town to protect your identity. I do believe that letting your partner knew earlier is better. I would consider saying that you are struggling with a gender issue and ask for her help rather than one day springing "I'm trans" on her. Honesty is best but be prepared for the worst cause it could happen. Be aware there is a spectrum of gender feelings and there is a variety of solutions. You may not need a full transition to find happiness. Staying on Susan's reading, talking with others can help a lot. My name is Moni. Glad to meet you. Hope to see you around.

[krobinson103]

I'm Kelly, thanks for the support The underlying desire has always been there. Thing is I can make it happen, in fact its started happening all by itself and I feel so much happier for it. I don't think a full 'live in the spot light' transition is needed, just get my body to a stage that I'm happy with. The family are off in Korea for the last month with three weeks to go. I took the opportunity to modify my diet to the best possible to encourage things along with lots of visualization, and subliminal affirmation (weak yes, but it is actually effective for some things).

Body likes it. In addition the food is helping me lose a little weight which was needed at 43 anyway! I think I'll take the opportunity to contact the appropriate places and see what the drill is, in addition to continuing what I've been doing already. Thing is, it makes me feel so much happier and centered and there are very real (if slow) changes due to the fact that I've had really low levels of T for 2 years anyway.

Now the issue will be my wife. We are pretty much just living as housemates and parents now anyway. I think this could potentially solve some issues (get rid of the elephant in the room) or push it over the edge. I know what I want, its what I've always wanted since I can remember.

[V M]

Hi krobinson 

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V M

[krobinson103]

Thanks for the welcome and info. Its good to know that there are people I can ask questions of at this point without causing upset at work or with the family. Though I suspect when my wife returns from Korea She will surely notice and we'll have some interesting conversations.

Well I've been somewhat successful in my quest. Looking in the mirror you don't see much beyond small breasts and a somewhat feminine figure, with smoother skin and way less defined muscles (along with much reduced strength to go with it). However, since losing 7kg in the last month - hooray! I thought I'd pull out my old 97cm waist jeans and ... yeah they surely won't fit anymore. Thighs are great (long distance cyclist in a past life), waist is good, butt? No way. I know nothing of Women's Jeans, whats a good style that will be comfortable and not draw too much attention at work? I've been using baggy clothes, but I surely don't want to wear them anymore, thinking a sports bra might help a little in the decent non baggy shirt department for now as a standard well fitting shirt is a bit.. inappropriate at school. I'm pretty sure people will put 2 and 2 together sooner than later but I'd rather delay that a little longer.

Funny thing - I've watched my daughters fussing over what to wear and this morning I surely couldn't find anything that I liked.... must be getting somewhere.

Thanks