Are you comfortable around cis guys?

[PurpleWolf]

I've heard some trans guys say they are a little uncomfortable among cis guys. Or more comfortable around trans guys or women. Is that the case with you? Can you elaborate?

Did you expect to be more comfortable around cis folks after transitioning? Did that happen? Or not?

What makes you uncomfortable around them? They finding out? Possible transphobia? Not being comfortable with male social cues/behavior or...?

Have you had instances with some people that were good/bad?

Anything else?

Were you more comfortable around them previously as a 'woman' than now as a man? Do you feel a pressure to 'be something' around them you didn't have before?

Is some particular social setting especially troublesome for you? (such as all males night out or all-male group setting)

[The Flying Lemur]

Hrm, interesting question.  I haven't yet been part of a gathering where I was the only trans guy among cis guys, but I think I might be slightly uncomfortable, or at least self-conscious, if that were to happen.  Mostly the paying attention to new social cues thing.  I don't think I'd feel any more comfortable in a group of cis women, since I've never felt entirely at home among cis women.  I seem to feel best in groups of other trans guys, or mixed groups.

[Elis]

NNope.I have no clue how to talk to tthem. The banter thing confuses me plus I'm quite fem. So in all I feel unsafe and somehow inadequate around them. Hookups are fine as it's a controlled situation but if I have to talk to a guy afterwards I'm an awkward wreck again.

[PurpleWolf]

NNope.I have no clue how to talk to tthem. The banter thing confuses me plus I'm quite fem. So in all I feel unsafe and somehow inadequate around them. Hookups are fine as it's a controlled situation but if I have to talk to a guy afterwards I'm an awkward wreck again.

Maybe you should view them as just people? Like everyone else! And just be yourself. Remember not all cis guys are buff & masculine & 'intimidating' - and those who are have their insecurities also! Like with all social anxiety, it helps to think that the other person might be as nervous as you! And looks isn't everything... Good-looking people can be nervous too! SO many people are afraid to make phone calls, for example, without anyone knowing! Same here. If you ever played with boys as a child, try to remind yourself that they are no different! Cis guys are just people too... And you are no less of a man/person than they are!

And when it comes to hookups... Well, if they hooked up with you, they like you as a person, right,  ? So no need to feel scared!

It's weird coz... I'm not intimidated by any people! Not by men, women, non-binary people... And certainly no cis guy is somehow 'better' than me by just happening to have a dick! Cis guys come in a wide range too... So, I don't want that to change after medically transitioning! Even as a kid I thought I had more balls than some of the boys...

Maybe it helps to think every cis guy is just an individual? With their baggage, anxieties etc... If you felt comfortable around them pre-transition, the fact that you are now a man shouldn't change it! Come on, they are just people. No better than you, or anyone else.

Oh, and assertive language helps! (just check that labor/respect with cis guys thread!)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231400.0.html

[And this was directed at everyone.]

[PurpleWolf]

Let's bring cis guys down from the pedestal  !

[Elis]

Maybe you should view them as just people? Like everyone else! And just be yourself. Remember not all cis guys are buff & masculine & 'intimidating' - and those who are have their insecurities also! Like with all social anxiety, it helps to think that the other person might be as nervous as you! And looks isn't everything... Good-looking people can be nervous too! SO many people are afraid to make phone calls, for example, without anyone knowing! Same here. If you ever played with boys as a child, try to remind yourself that they are no different! Cis guys are just people too... And you are no less of a man/person than they are!

And when it comes to hookups... Well, if they hooked up with you, they like you as a person, right,  ? So no need to feel scared!

It's weird coz... I'm not intimidated by any people! Not by men, women, non-binary people... And certainly no cis guy is somehow 'better' than me by just happening to have a dick! Cis guys come in a wide range too... So, I don't want that to change after medically transitioning! Even as a kid I thought I had more balls than some of the boys...

Maybe it helps to think every cis guy is just an individual? With their baggage, anxieties etc... If you felt comfortable around them pre-transition, the fact that you are now a man shouldn't change it! Come on, they are just people. No better than you, or anyone else.

Oh, and assertive language helps! (just check that labor/respect with cis guys thread!)

[And this was directed at everyone.]

Thanks; what you mentioned about the hookup thing is when I need to keep remembering . I think I'm just generally a very insecure/non confident person. Hooking up made me realise some guys are actually decent but I'm still not good with people

[PurpleWolf]

I think I'm just generally a very insecure/non confident person.

Luckily confidence can be learned,  ! Remember no one is born with it. Your growing environment shapes the way you interact with people. Like if you were bullied - you might feel others will always reject you, but bullying is more complicated than that. It has nothing to do with your character, really, or your looks... It has more to do with the bullies themselves & their insecurities & envies & maybe your lack of assertiveness... Just check that labor thread, okay,  !

Even luckier: Confidence not only can be learned - it can be FAKED,  ! So, if you're not feeling it, you can as well fake it! And the results are the same. Just check out that thread - and you'll be amazed! I gave there links also!
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231400.0.html

And go kick some cis guys ass,  ! [And this is a humorous comment; not to be taken literally]

[PurpleWolf]

Oh, and forgot to mention that I just read somewhere that the single one reason for a man to start working out/bodybuilding - is being bullied or assaulted, so there!

Here: http://www.psychmechanics.com/2014/10/how-our-past-experiences-shape-our.html

Btw, if you ever feel the need to some good self-help articles, just come to me   !

[PurpleWolf]

Remember also that chihuahuas always bully around pitbulls & rottweilers (& humans!) - so physical size is NOT an indication of your power, either  ! It's all mental!

[PurpleWolf]

Also worth reading what I wrote in this thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228920.20.html

[PurpleWolf]

Also I think this is a great article,  :

https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself

[Kylo]

I am more comfortable around cis men. But nobody particularly intimidates me.

Let's bring cis guys down from the pedestal  !

??

Remember also that chihuahuas always bully around pitbulls & rottweilers (& humans!) - so physical size is NOT an indication of your power, either  ! It's all mental!

Great advice, until the chihuahua picks a fight with a great dane. 

And go kick some cis guys ass,  !

I sure hope you're not advising people to go throw their weight around with cis men with fake confidence. That will be quite the learning curve for any shy or naive transman perceived as just another man. This isn't the kind of advice men will give other men unless they're looking to have their teeth rearranged. Men have boundaries you'd better be prepared to cross as another man that aren't the same for women; those boundaries are backed up with actual physical threat in the 'world' of men. Rile another guy up at your own peril.

[PurpleWolf]

Let's bring cis guys down from the pedestal  !

??

I meant that sometimes trans people have a really high regard towards cis guys in particular, more than other people, maybe. But cis guys are just regular people like anyone else. You shouldn't be intimidated by them.

Great advice, until the chihuahua picks a fight with a great dane. Then it will notice the amount of physical power one has does matter.
Nope. The point is, chihuahuas boss around larger breeds. It's all about mental power. The chihuahua does not need to pick a fight. Picking a fight is not a leader-type behavior,  .

[PurpleWolf]

I sure hope you're not advising people to go throw their weight around with cis men with fake confidence. That will be quite the learning curve for any shy or naive transman perceived as just another man. This isn't the kind of advice men will give other men unless they're looking to have their teeth rearranged. Men have boundaries you'd better be prepared to cross as another man that aren't the same for women; those boundaries are backed up with actual physical threat in the 'world' of men. Rile another guy up at your own peril.

Being assertive has absolutely nothing to do with picking fights or being aggressive.

You think I'm shy & naive  ?

Btw I don't hang around with cave men, so...!

Being assertive is just a general advice for anybody, with anyone.

[Kylo]

Yes, probably because the chihuahua has no inkling of the limitations of its own size compared to a larger dog and is operating on general dog instinct evolved by wolves. That and the fact many toy breeds are neurotic due to inbred traits.

A chihuahua will not win every quarrel with any dog you put it with. It rather depends on the temperament of the dog it encounters more than the temperament of a chihuahua what its fate will be. It wouldn't last very long if put in with a much larger, equally aggressive animal.

And that applies to any human as well.

Being assertive has absolutely nothing to do with picking fights or being aggressive.

Obviously.

You think I'm shy & naive  ?

No. You seem to be frenetically posting advice aimed at less assertive individuals. These are the people I would not advise to go out and attempt to "kick cis guy ass", as you put it. Someone might take your advice literally.

Btw I don't hang around with cave men, so...!

Who is talking about cave men.

Being assertive is just a general advice for anybody, with anyone.

Yes. But here you have specifically mentioned several times physical aggression. Not a stretch for anyone to assume you're referring to it when you talk about aggression in dogs, physical size and power, kicking people's asses, and referring to bullying or assault, is it.

[PurpleWolf]

And go kick some cis guys ass,  !

Btw, if you didn't get it, that was meant as a joke! Not to be taken literally...

Just clarifying,  .

[PurpleWolf]

Omg I can't believe I'm talking you about this  !
My advice was meant to be mind-lifting for, say, shy individuals, as for encouragement.
Did you even check any of those links, then?

A chihuahua will not win every quarrel with any dog you put it with. It rather depends on the temperament of the dog it encounters more than the temperament of a chihuahua what its fate will be. It wouldn't last very long if put in with a much larger, equally aggressive animal.

I never said chihuahuas will win in dog fights. I said it's a fact that in a dog pack (in someone's home) it is known that the chihuahua, though small, is usually the boss. That is also general. I never said EACH chihuahua will be like that,  !

Please don't take everything so personally/literally, man! Just trying to have fun here,  . And the dog comment was also a joke/humourous encouragement, if you missed that...

No. You seem to be frenetically posting advice aimed at less assertive individuals. These are the people I would not advise to go out and attempt to "kick cis guy ass", as you put it. Someone might take your advice literally.

I was just trying to be helpful/encouraging! Not frenetic. You can disregard my advice if you think it does not apply to you, by all means .

Yes. But here you have specifically mentioned several times physical aggression. Not a stretch for anyone to assume you're referring to it when you talk about aggression in dogs, physical size and power, kicking people's asses, and referring to bullying or assault, is it.

I have NOT even once mentioned physical aggression here,  ! You were the one who brought it up. Again: being violent has NOTHING to do with being assertive or having assertive body language. Being assertive actually means being calm and confident in yourself and in your abilities. It also means you acknowledge your good and bad traits and accept them. And are accepting of others. Being aggressive is the polar opposite, my friend.

Maybe you should check out that material and tell me where's the violence & aggression,  ?

By all means I meant no harm.

This was a curious thread - as I know many, especially trans men, may be a little uncomfortable around cis men. And I tried to help people out to be less anxious in social situations! Ok,  ?

But this has certainly turned into a fun conversation,   !

[PurpleWolf]

Someone might take your advice literally.

Like you,  ?

Yes. But here you have specifically mentioned several times physical aggression. Not a stretch for anyone to assume you're referring to it when you talk about aggression in dogs, physical size and power, kicking people's asses, and referring to bullying or assault, is it.

Dear, Viktor. That 'bullying/assault' comment was about encouraging people to see that even the buffest, muscular men, those 'intimidating' large ones, can be vulnerable inside. And kind. And gone through stuff in their lives. So that... not everything is as it seems!

Take a breather, will you,  !

[Kylo]

Take a breather, will you

Likewise.

[PurpleWolf]

Likewise.

Oh, I'm calm,  . Been the whole time. I've read those articles, you know.

No need to get angry/upset, right?