I too can relate to feeling unwanted, feeling like no one could ever understand, thinking I was perverted, suffering from a mental delusion, grasping at straws to explain away the way I felt. I struggled for decades before finally seeking help. I started questioning my gender as early as age 6, my memory of my childhood is a bit spotty. I am 36 now and started HRT in October. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made speaking to a therapist, and coming out to those closest to me. I had to unlearn some of the conventional thinking that has been forced upon me for all my all life in order to get to a place where I can truly say I am good with myself. Unfortunately being trans is confusing. Talk to your therapist about how you feel, and maybe find an allie in someone close to you, whom you can talk to earnestly. I think for me, opening up to the people I cared about and being able to talk about these things with them has made a greater difference in my ability of coming to terms with who I am, than HRT ever will. When people think of transition, we typically focus on the physical, but the emotional and psychological aspects of transition are just as powerful, if not more so.
