help figuring out my gender identity

[Finn199]

Hey there.... I understand the confusion...like for myself its how the hrt effects my mind
I always catch my self window shopping at femmine attire ....yet in the same breath i love my heavy metal bling
but i love makeup im growing  breasts i like them but prefer they not be obvious
Sometimes i feel femmine  and other times male its almost bipolar atm im in male.mode waiting for ffs in mexico
and im telling.myself its cool its what we agreed upon .....whew
I cant articulate it but i think i know how you feel ...  at least the confusion bit
Ps i agree with jessica about the sanity thing .....id forgotten about that..and totally agree....thanks jess

yeah, confusion comes and goes, i haven't done a lot of experimenting lately so it's not as bad now, i guess.

by the way, Markie, i read your "thinking out loud" thread one night and at points i felt so much for you, i wanted to hug you so bad! i hope things will work out

[Sno]

it's been a couple months now, i still haven't experimented that much, just basic things like shaving/trimming body and facial hair (god, my neck is so red and full of bumps ). also just trying to be more comfortable acting more feminine with people i know, very slowly. i've also noticed a need to not just act more feminine, but be perceived and treated that way too. right now, i'm a little stuck though, i don't really feel in the mood to do anything and i don't quite know what to do next.

i've had some semi-dysphoric moments though, the last one happening after i shaved my legs smooth for the first time, i just thought my legs looked sickly, pale and almost disgusting. i'm also losing weight, so my thighs are getting harder and firmer, and i kind of freaked. i want to be more soft, not hard or bulky. i had to look in the mirror and focus on my hips and how they at least give me somewhat of a feminine figure, that helped

i'm confused as to why i'm suddenly dysphoric (if that is what it is, i don't want to throw that word around lightly)
it didn't really bother me that much before.

Hon, that's dysphoria.
It's nasty... and don't worry about using the term. It's a horror show because it's all pervasive, the proverbial grit in the shoe, a constant irritation, and no matter what you do, it's always there... and you only discover it by accident... the good news is that you can find ways to make yourself feel better, by experimenting with things, to see what helps


Rowan

[Finn199]

Hon, that's dysphoria.
It's nasty... and don't worry about using the term. It's a horror show because it's all pervasive, the proverbial grit in the shoe, a constant irritation, and no matter what you do, it's always there... and you only discover it by accident... the good news is that you can find ways to make yourself feel better, by experimenting with things, to see what helps


Rowan

ok, at least i know what it is now, thanks. it's not too bad, i'm fine most of the time, i've only had a few "episodes" and they weren't too intense. when i'm in it though, i'm thinking of hormones and stuff, like i have to hurry before i get too old or something (and i'm only 26 ). but it's way too early for me to know what i want, i think. i don't like that i'm getting more concerned with my looks and body image, though. i don't want to be dependent on that to feel good. to me, it feels like i'm just getting more superficial?

[Drexy/Drex]

yeah, confusion comes and goes, i haven't done a lot of experimenting lately so it's not as bad now, i guess.

by the way, Markie, i read your "thinking out loud" thread one night and at points i felt so much for you, i wanted to hug you so bad! i hope things will work out

Aww thank you so much💕👍

[Drexy/Drex]

Btw for me make up helps and also being around females 😊

[Finn199]

Btw for me make up helps and also being around females 😊

yeah, i need more female friends, maybe i would've figured things out sooner if i had them growing up
i have one female friend i trust though, she has even promised to help me try out makeup when i'm ready
i'm both excited and terrified

[Drexy/Drex]

Go for it friend youll love it 😊

[Finn199]

i'm not sure what to hope for this is all still so new and scary, even if i do like it i'll still probably freak out

[Drexy/Drex]

Only one way to find out.....i remember  my first appointment  to see a doc about hrt ......i was petrified  .....i was thinking is this me ? Scared !! What how can this be lol....
I found out that a makeover was much easier than that ,
I dont know what your age is .....but dont waste time ....i lost a year to  various fears, people , etc
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Btw i started on low dose hrt that does not cause physical  changes ....but wow does it calm the mind

[Finn199]

Only one way to find out.....i remember  my first appointment  to see a doc about hrt ......i was petrified  .....i was thinking is this me ? Scared !! What how can this be lol....
I found out that a makeover was much easier than that ,
I dont know what your age is .....but dont waste time ....i lost a year to  various fears, people , etc
Nothing ventured nothing gained
Btw i started on low dose hrt that does not cause physical  changes ....but wow does it calm the mind

yeah, i see what you're saying

i'm 26   when i first started questioning 2 months ago, i was freaking out about getting older, what if i start losing my hair, what if i end up looking too masculine, what if it's too late, what if i have lost my chance to be pretty/cute etc. luckily i'm not that freaked now, i'm still young, i reckon i have some time and i need it to figure out what to do.

i think i'm very slowly getting more comfortable with the thought of hormones at least, but i haven't really looked into it or researched it yet.
haha, i had this burst of girly-ness some days ago though where i thought about how i would look with a more girly body, and it made me sooo happy and i was giggling and i felt so good

[Drexy/Drex]

Well.your lucky 😊 you have time to choose your mode/modes my masculine traits did not kick in until after 30 i know what you mean about that abrupt change of gender im here in mexico waiting to get ffs
In 2 days ..made up my mind in femme mode..and im feeling male not girly at all  atm...oh actually both atm ....hell😅

[Finn199]

yeah, i'm still unsure of how my modes work, or if i even have different modes
i'm so used to being a "guy" so i probably don't even think about it that much, but i'm much more interested in exploring my girly side. right now, that side comes and goes, i'm more girly when i'm really happy or listening to certain kinds of music or just at random times throughout the day, but it doesn't stick around for long. and i miss it sometimes, because i'm so much more expressive and bubbly in that mood


wow, that must be frustrating to the point where you feel like backing out of it?

[Drexy/Drex]

True  earlier on i thought what the hell am i doing ......but i only have to look in the mirror  and i know why  anyway it will be an enhancement
a face like mine cannot be truly femminised without it looking out of place on my frame  ...androgynous rejuvenation   is what i am aiming for  ....just going to keep it real world 😉 at 54 this is really the only shot i have  its now or  never

[Finn199]

yeah, i see. well, good luck! i hope you'll be happy with the result!

[Finn199]

so, i've been a little frustrated that i haven't really been feeling girly lately. before, i had some things i could wear that made me really feel it, but those things don't have the same effect anymore. some of it may also be my general mood being not the best lately.
i've also had some weird moments where i'm really restless, i have to constantly move my body and i'm either breathing really fast or heavy. i feel like i have to do something, but in that moment i'm not sure what. it's not super intense and it's not like my mind is racing or i'm anxious, but if i really go into it, it feels like i'm going to cry, but i can't quite get there.
this has led me to looking more at clothes. looking at girl's clothes made me kinda uncomfortable before, but i've slowly begun to find things i like and i've actually ordered some (some sweaters that don't look too "girly", but are still cute). i hope that will help. at the same time, i'm afraid my dysphoria will get worse if they don't fit right or if i look weird