Coming out to family questions

[Littlethings]

I am planning on coming out to my father currently.  I am trying to prepare as much as possible to answer any questions he might have.  I am so scared about this.
What I was wondering was: 
What questions are likely to be asked?
Any advice in preparing for this?

any advice from any father supporters would be very helpful

[Jessica_Rose]

So far I have only come out to my wife and daughters, but I plan to tell my parents soon. I would suggest writing a letter you can read to your father. This way you can organize your thoughts ahead of time and try to cover everything you should. Steph2.0 wrote a great general coming out letter a while back, and I plan to base my letter on hers. Here is a link:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2037025.html#msg2037025

It is OK to be scared, we have all been there, the feeling won't last long!

[steph2.0]

So far I have only come out to my wife and daughters, but I plan to tell my parents soon. I would suggest writing a letter you can read to your father. This way you can organize your thoughts ahead of time and try to cover everything you should. Steph2.0 wrote a great general coming out letter a while back, and I plan to base my letter on hers. Here is a link:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2037025.html#msg2037025

It is OK to be scared, we have all been there, the feeling won't last long!

Thank you for the plug, Jessica. Littlethings, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it.

Stephanie

[Littlethings]

I can't PM yet. Are there any other ways to contact you?
Are there things that you feel were particularly hard to answer/did not include in your coming out letter?

[steph2.0]

I can't PM yet. Are there any other ways to contact you?
Are there things that you feel were particularly hard to answer/did not include in your coming out letter?

I tried to be as all-inclusive as I could with the letter, but people always come up with the strangest questions. One friend said, "OK, if you think it's what you need to do, but my question is, why now?" As if there's a statute of limitations on happiness (I'm 59 years old).

A lot of the way you handle it is dictated by the quality of the relationship you have with them. If it's already confrontational it could get tricky. If there is loving relationship, they want to see you happy. Just be honest, respectful, and even tempered with them, and try to be sure of yourself. Some people may read any indication of doubt as a possibility that you're making a mistake. I always made sure I told them that I was absolutely sure this is the right thing to do, and that I've never been happier in my life.

Not sure what else to say. Feel free to use as much or as little of my letter as you like. I also PMed you my email address if you want to talk privately.

Stephanie

[KathyLauren]

"OK, if you think it's what you need to do, but my question is, why now?"

The "why now" question will certainly come up at some point. 

People have it in their mind that transgender people are kids who declare their gender and transition before puberty, because that's what they hear in the media.  The implication of the question is that, if this was real, why didn't you transition a long time ago?  Or, if you have known since you were a little kid, why have you been lying to everyone all these years?

In answering the why now question, you will need to explain that different people experience being trans differently, and that the most common age to transition is from about 35 to 50.  You will need to explain that, although we may have known we were different for years, we tried our best to be the good little boys (or girls) that our parents told us to be, and that it is only when we realize the cost of that pretense to ourselves that we allowed ourselves to think that we might actually be trans.

One way to explain this might be to tell them what dysphoria is like, so that they can understand the toll that keeping a lid on our feelings has taken.  This will also tell them that we are not doing this for fun: it is deadly serious, indeed a life-and-death struggle for some.

[Allison S]

My sister asked me the "why now?" when I accidentaly outed myself through a snapchat picture message. When she said it I could hear in her voice that she meant to help and was genuinely concerned. Everyone knew before I did. I never hid my taste in all things girly and feminine or at least if I did, I wasn't convincing at all.

Of course now is better than never!

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