Identity problems!

[VickyS]

Hi Everyone!

Hope everyone is ok and enjoying life!

I wonder if I could just run the following past some of you to see if you can relate or if it makes any sense.

I am 43, born male and present as male to the world at the moment.

Last night at around 1am I had a full on anxiety attack which left me feeling very ill and I thought I was dying - very unusual for me.  The reason for this I think is that I seem to be floating in the middle of identifying as female and male and seem to have lost my identity (hopefully temporarily).

I normally feel wonderful when my mind is in full 'girl mode' but I have been thinking about the transition process and the usual concerns have been present such as passing, smashing my life apart, being ridiculed, divorce, rejection by my family etc.  This caused me to think that it's not going to be possible for me to eventually transition which caused me a lot of distress and anxiety, so then I thought I should try to think more in 'man mode' and this left me feeling very uncomfortable and caused more anxiety.  So, at the moment I seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place and it's killing me mentally and emotionally.  I have an appointment to see my doctor next tuesday but up until then I just hope I can hold it together enough to function daily.  I cried on the way to work this morning as I listened to a happy 'girly' song which triggered my dysphoria and made me very sad as I reflected on the hopeless situation my mind seems to be in at the moment.  Can't be a boy, can't be a girl. Those songs usually pick me up and I sing along to them when alone in the car on the way to work, but it just really upset me this morning.

What I would like to ask you wonderful people is;  is the above a common thought process that some of you have been through?  if so, how did you deal with it.  If not, any ideas what's going on?

Oh and on a more positive note, I visited my sister last week and came out to her.  She was wonderful and so accepting. We both cried together but they were happy tears. 

Thank you all. x

 

[Faith]

You just described everyday thoughts. You're not alone there.

Congrats on the warm reception from your sister. Take as the positive sign that it is.

[Bari Jo]

Yeah, no worries there.  Those thoughts I have all the time, sometimes they are better sometimes worse.  When I notice something that has gotten a lot more feminine, I have the thoughts of, but I'm still in boy mode, how so I deal with this.  When I don't see any feminine, I have thought of never passing, and why.  It's a struggle.  I've heard some trans girls have these thoughts even when they are full time and passing 100%

Bari Jo

[Cassi]

Alas, but we are our own worse critic.

[Phoenix1742]

For me, a big part of it was shedding the idea that I need to be "manly" in man mode, and that I needed to hide my queer side.

I shave my legs, I keep my nails longer (but never scraggly), I pluck my eyebrows, I wear earrings in both ears, and I have a ring with a fairly prominent rainbow in it. I occasionally get a comment, especially working in construction, but by this point I've learned to laugh it off.

Letting myself have those "feminine" things full time has helped me a lot. It makes it a lot easier to present female when I do, and since I'm not pretending to be super man dude I find I get less anxious about the times I "have to" be male.

Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, and I've still had my fair share of anxiety. That's what a good therapist is for. ;-)

But I've been able to reach a good middle ground as I figure out where this journey is going.

Sent from my VS988 using Tapatalk

[Toni]

Hi Vicky, what you talk about is a normal and, I believe, healthy part of your sorting out who you really are.  It can be pretty uncomfortable but will remain a part of your future for quite a while, but you should see less confusion as time goes on.  This journey is so outside the lines for us we will question everything along the way, but your Doctor (therapist?) should be able to help you start down the path with some sense of reality as to the pluses and potential minuses of choices you'll have to make.  Hang in there and in the end you'll get to know yourself better than most people ever do.  Toni

[VickyS]

Yeah, no worries there.  Those thoughts I have all the time, sometimes they are better sometimes worse.  When I notice something that has gotten a lot more feminine, I have the thoughts of, but I'm still in boy mode, how so I deal with this.  When I don't see any feminine, I have thought of never passing, and why.  It's a struggle.  I've heard some trans girls have these thoughts even when they are full time and passing 100%
Bari Jo

Well that's hit the nail on the head!  Absolutely spot on.  It's a definate struggle but good to know I'm not alone but also bad to know there are so many others feeling the same hellish anguish.

For me, a big part of it was shedding the idea that I need to be "manly" in man mode, and that I needed to hide my queer side.

I shave my legs, I keep my nails longer (but never scraggly), I pluck my eyebrows, I wear earrings in both ears, and I have a ring with a fairly prominent rainbow in it. I occasionally get a comment, especially working in construction, but by this point I've learned to laugh it off.

Letting myself have those "feminine" things full time has helped me a lot. It makes it a lot easier to present female when I do, and since I'm not pretending to be super man dude I find I get less anxious about the times I "have to" be male.

Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, and I've still had my fair share of anxiety. That's what a good therapist is for. ;-)

But I've been able to reach a good middle ground as I figure out where this journey is going.

That is damn good advice, I also have grown my fingernails, pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs & underarms & epilate my chest/tummy.  I am building up the courage to epilate my arm hair as I really don't like it and I see it ALL the damn time!  I wonder how many people would comment?  I have thought my answer would be:  I have removed it because I prefer it this way.

Hi Vicky, what you talk about is a normal and, I believe, healthy part of your sorting out who you really are.  It can be pretty uncomfortable but will remain a part of your future for quite a while, but you should see less confusion as time goes on.  This journey is so outside the lines for us we will question everything along the way, but your Doctor (therapist?) should be able to help you start down the path with some sense of reality as to the pluses and potential minuses of choices you'll have to make.  Hang in there and in the end you'll get to know yourself better than most people ever do.  Toni

Hi Toni,
It's definately uncomfortable! I hope my GP (doctor) can refer me to a therapist that understands gender issues and can help me find who I really am inside instead of everyone trying to force me into a 'box' that they want me to be like that I'm not.  I love the part about getting to know myself better than most people do and that is SO true.  I think a lot of people supress parts of their personalities unhealthily and are afraid of embracing who they are.  I did with my sexuality 20 or so years ago before confronting it head on.  I never realised there was more I needed to uncover and learn about. 

Thank you all for your comments, you have definately helped!

Vicky x