Very annoyed.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. My boyfriend finished school and started working this month. He's a paramedic. Back in November he started talking about us moving in together once he finished school. I liked the idea but I knew my dad wouldn't.  I told Tristan I was pretty sure my dad wouldn't support that idea. So I find out that Tristan talked to my dad about it and my dad told him no, that he didn't want me moving out yet. But he suggested that Tristan move in with us. The problem with this is that both Tristan and my dad decided this without telling me anything about it.

I want to live with Tristan and I don't care if we do that here. I'm just really annoyed that they just decided on this without thinking to mention it to me. I'm trying to get over being annoyed over it and honestly I don't know why it annoys me so much but I'm finding it hard to just let it go.  My dad said that I wanted to be with Tristan, he already spends weekends with us and that he and Tyler really like him, so there is nothing for me to be annoyed about and that I have a habit of being irrational about things a lot lately.   I'm not even sure why this is making me mad, I should be happy about it. I am happy about it but at the same time it's pissing me off that they decided all this without ever mentioning it to me. Am I being irrational?

Sorry for the early morning rant.

[SadieBlake]

You're not being irrational. Granted this can be how men behave and I don't know much about your dad but if Tristan defaulted to how your dad interacts that could explain it. I used to do that to get along with men.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Your dad invited someone to live in his house. You kinda get that privilege when you plunk down the big check. Sure, it makes for some interesting dynamics in this case, but it's still his house, his call.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Faith]

It would bug the crap out of me too. They are making a life decision for you without including you in the discussion. It's not the fact that you may or may not agree, they made the assumption and decision for you.

it is a big deal, how many other decisions could be made on your behalf with the justification of "because I thought you ... " (fill in the blank)

and because it 'Dad's house'?  That doesn't work for me. He's HER boyfriend, not her Dad's.

Maybe ask him, "Hey Dad, I didn't know you liked him so well. I'm really not in to sharing you know."

[Jessica]

Hi Julia 🙋‍♀️ I agree they should have included you in this.  My thought is Tristan and your dad worked out a situation that they thought would make you happy.  Men do this sometimes without thinking because they do.  Your dad didn't want you to move out, he didn't mind him moving in.  It's a simple fix in a mans mind, because it fits their needs, which includes what they think you may want.  Selfish in thought but not in action.  They both love you, so have a nice talk and state your issue. 

Hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️

[Charlie Nicki]

I could see the fact that they didn't tell you about it as a minor annoyance, but not something to make a big deal over. As Devlyn said, it will be a interesting dynamic having all 3 men together in the same house with you, but you'll get used to it (been there, done that). Let it go, it's not that big of a deal, if anything just be happy that you have your dad's support for this. You guys are young and moving in with your dad will make things easier and cheaper.

I think your boyfriend just wanted to be a gentleman about it and ask your dad for your hand (well not really but you get what I'm saying). In any case a conversation with Tristan about this should be enough, stress that you want to be the one making the decisions in your relationship with him, therefore in the future he should speak to you and then you can deal with your dad.

By the way, and totally unrelated, how did the holidays go after the issue with your granddad and your mom? I don't recall seeing an update about it. Maybe I just missed it.

[Julia1996]

I could see the fact that they didn't tell you about it as a minor annoyance, but not something to make a big deal over. As Devlyn said, it will be a interesting dynamic having all 3 men together in the same house with you, but you'll get used to it (been there, done that). Let it go, it's not that big of a deal, if anything just be happy that you have your dad's support for this. You guys are young and moving in with your dad will make things easier and cheaper.

I think your boyfriend just wanted to be a gentleman about it and ask your dad for your hand (well not really but you get what I'm saying). In any case a conversation with Tristan about this should be enough, stress that you want to be the one making the decisions in your relationship with him, therefore in the future he should speak to you and then you can deal with your dad.

By the way, and totally unrelated, how did the holidays go after the issue with your granddad and your mom? I don't recall seeing an update about it. Maybe I just missed it.

It went very well. Tristan's parents and brothers and my grandma came for Christmas dinner. My grandpa didn't come and my mom certainly didn't.  She did call to wish Tyler merry Christmas but my dad and I didn't talk to her. My dad called my grandpa and wished him merry Christmas. It was a nice drama free day. Well except Tristan and his brothers squabbling over the remote. Lol.  Since my grandma ate Christmas dinner with us that left my mom to make Christmas dinner for my grandpa, uncle and his wife. The problem there is my mom totally can't cook. My grandma told me the next day that my grandpa and uncle were mad when she went home with no leftovers which she did on purpose. She said my grandpa went on and on about how awful my mom's dinner was. Lol.  My mom's Christmas dinner was a chicken, stove top stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, a can of yams, a can of corn and a can of gravy.  She not only left the bag of gizzards and liver in the chicken but she really overcooked it and it was like chicken jerky. She used too much liquid in the instant potatoes making potato slime and didn't put enough water in the stove top stuffing so it was totally dry. LOL.  I don't know why my uncles wife didn't help her. Maybe she can't cook either. I know it's petty and mean but hearing about my mom's total FAIL with Christmas dinner was one of the best Christmas gifts I got. Especialy after the comment she made once about cooking. My dad had been talking about how much he had liked dinner one night and told me I was a very good cook. My mom said " oh big deal any idiot can cook". My dad asked her why she didn't ever cook then and she said she COULD cook but chose not to waste her time with it. Any idiot can cook. ... I know one idiot that couldn't even cook boxed and canned food right. LOL.

[elkie-t]

I would disagree with the majority's opinion here. I understand you might initially feel sidestepped, but it's not like your dad married you to Tristan or invited him to live with you against your will. I mean - if you don't want him to move in, you can always say so, or you can ask him to move out at any time. From what you write about Tristan, I believe he wouldn't move in unless he asks your opinion as well as your dad's and would move in only if you're ok with it. In so far, he only got your dad's 'no objections' opinion, but you can put any objections you want.

You're adult and you have a job, you can move out without anyone's permission. But,... do you really need financial difficulties before your transition is over? And from my understanding, you really like to live with your dad and brother, so why moving out if you can be together with your family and your BF?

I mean, it would be smart to poke Tristan a little and make sure he realize that you shouldn't be sidestepped in the future, but if the current outcome suits you, why creating a problem when none exists?
At least, wait another year or two, when your transition is over, Tristan gets some work experience, you build up some savings, then you'll be ready to have a place of your own.


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[DawnOday]

Tradition has it that men ask the woman's parents for permission. In a way you should not be upset as Tristan treated you with the same respect. I asked my wife's parents for permission. Seems Tristan and Dad came to a satisfactory solution. It seems as though both of them are looking out for you. There are a lot of things that are much more annoying than knowing two people love you.

[HappyMoni]

Tradition has it that men ask the woman's parents for permission. In a way you should not be upset as Tristan treated you with the same respect. I asked my wife's parents for permission. Seems Tristan and Dad came to a satisfactory solution. It seems as though both of them are looking out for you. There are a lot of things that are much more annoying than knowing two people love you.

You nailed it Dawn!
Moni

[JulieOnHerWay]

So many ways to go on this one.  Yea, its easy.  Yea, you could use the time of cheap living to build up some savings for a future life and surgeries.  Yea, you seem to get along with them and they with you.  Yea your father is carrying a bigger share of the house money load.  BUT.  You are carrying a full share of load too.  I don't know the details and they are not any of my business but I think you do a lot of the "traditional woman role".  Cook, most of the cleaning and bet when someone wants something you get it for them or volunteer to do the little things that makes things just a bit more comfy for all.  Rent too?
Now, the men-folks are working things out that involve you and then you find out.  HMMMM.  Even to me who is not on HRT yet, it seems patriarchal. At least they did not sign you up for the Army.  So being peeved seems reasonable.  But I don't think it's a HUGE deal. 
Julia, you seem to have a great family life.  You are not opposed to the idea and seem actually happy with it.  So, before this thing settles into happy home life, you need to air your opinion, put a foot down, tell your side.  Demand(?) to be included in future discussions.  You have a brain and an opinion and it has to be heard.  AND set your rules to make things a little more balanced for you.  IDK what.  Someone else cooks some. Who does dishes. Chores you do now are now someone elses.  Your financial responsibilities adjusted downward. 
Sister, I hope you get the idea.  Take a few minutes to find things that you don't like and get it changed with this living arrangement adjustment.
Don't get mad,  Get ahead.

[Aurorasky]

Hi Julia! I'm sure your boyfriend meant well when he asked your dad. Perhaps he thought that if he made the question, instead of you, your dad would actually think about it and consider the possibility, since your dad seems so so protective of you, him asking means you two already have a plan for the future and have been discussing, so it would be easier for your dad not to see this as "whim". Now I don't agree with the stance your dad took, he should have informed you, actually both should have. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. If you want to live together, you should be able to, out of his house. I don't see it as particularly problematic to have Tristan live in your house, but it might change some Dynamics and you guys will still be living under your dad's roof which can call for some awkward situations. What if one day you and Tristan decide to set apart? I'm playing devil's advocate here. You really should discuss with Tristan if this is what you really want, you have the right to your opinion and it's your house too after all.

[Charlie Nicki]

It went very well. Tristan's parents and brothers and my grandma came for Christmas dinner. My grandpa didn't come and my mom certainly didn't.  She did call to wish Tyler merry Christmas but my dad and I didn't talk to her. My dad called my grandpa and wished him merry Christmas. It was a nice drama free day. Well except Tristan and his brothers squabbling over the remote. Lol.  Since my grandma ate Christmas dinner with us that left my mom to make Christmas dinner for my grandpa, uncle and his wife. The problem there is my mom totally can't cook. My grandma told me the next day that my grandpa and uncle were mad when she went home with no leftovers which she did on purpose. She said my grandpa went on and on about how awful my mom's dinner was. Lol.  My mom's Christmas dinner was a chicken, stove top stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, a can of yams, a can of corn and a can of gravy.  She not only left the bag of gizzards and liver in the chicken but she really overcooked it and it was like chicken jerky. She used too much liquid in the instant potatoes making potato slime and didn't put enough water in the stove top stuffing so it was totally dry. LOL.  I don't know why my uncles wife didn't help her. Maybe she can't cook either. I know it's petty and mean but hearing about my mom's total FAIL with Christmas dinner was one of the best Christmas gifts I got. Especialy after the comment she made once about cooking. My dad had been talking about how much he had liked dinner one night and told me I was a very good cook. My mom said " oh big deal any idiot can cook". My dad asked her why she didn't ever cook then and she said she COULD cook but chose not to waste her time with it. Any idiot can cook. ... I know one idiot that couldn't even cook boxed and canned food right. LOL.

Lol that's karma for your mom and grandpa! Also loved how shady your grandma was towards them haha.

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[Julia1996]

I'm over being annoyed about it. I talked to Tristan about it and he said he was sorry. He said since I wanted to live with him he didn't see a problem. He also said he needed to talk to my dad about it himself and it was a guy/respect thing. There's that guy book of rules again. I really would love to read that sometime. I didn't bother talking about it with my dad. He wouldn't think he did anything wrong. I will be 20 next month and my dad still thinks of me as a child.

[Cassi]

I'm over being annoyed about it. I talked to Tristan about it and he said he was sorry. He said since I wanted to live with him he didn't see a problem. He also said he needed to talk to my dad about it himself and it was a guy/respect thing. There's that guy book of rules again. I really would love to read that sometime. I didn't bother talking about it with my dad. He wouldn't think he did anything wrong. I will be 20 next month and my dad still thinks of me as a child.

Good luck on the Guy Book of Rules, it changes every 5 or 6 years, lol.

Glad you're back at your happy place

[KathyLauren]

There's that guy book of rules again. I really would love to read that sometime.

Good luck with that.  I never did get to see the Book of Rules when I was presenting as a guy.  However, I was able to figure out what rule #1 was.

Rule #1: You are not allowed to ask what the rules are.

[Lady Lisandra]

I would talk to my dad about something like dad. Just tell him that what he did wasn't entirely wrong, but he should ask me before telling MY boyfriend to move in with us.

[Julia1996]

Good luck with that.  I never did get to see the Book of Rules when I was presenting as a guy.  However, I was able to figure out what rule #1 was.

Rule #1: You are not allowed to ask what the rules are.

I don't have to ask really. I keep on finding out about more guy rules all the time. Once I noticed Tristan's cuticles looking a little raggedy so I took his hand while we were watching TV and started to put cuticle remover on his cuticles. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was going to fix his cuticles. He said no and pulled his hand away and told me guys don't do their cuticles. Ok fine, have raggedy cuticles. Then once this girl my brother was going out with wanted to go to a club. The problem was that Tyler is big and a little clumsy and he totally can't dance. I tried to teach him to dance at least enough so he wouldn't look like a total ninny and embarass the poor girl. But he kept saying he couldn't dance like I was teaching him because straight guys don't dance like that. Ugh....really? Even guy rules for dancing? I told hIm fine,  just stay seated all night then.

[Laurie]

I will be 20 next month and my dad still thinks of me as a child.

  I have bad news for you young lady. You will always be your dad's child and what's more you will always be his little girl. Trust me I know these things. I have a 45 year old daughter that wants nothing to do with me now but she is still and always be my little girl until the day I die.

Laurie

[Julia1996]

  I have bad news for you young lady. You will always be your dad's child and what's more you will always be his little girl. Trust me I know these things. I have a 45 year old daughter that wants nothing to do with me now but she is still and always be my little girl until the day I die.

Laurie

I'm realizing that's true. It annoys me sometimes but considering how a lot of parents reject their trans children it's not such a bad thing. He's the same way with Tyler though not nearly as much as with me.

I'm sorry about your daughter. I will never understand that kind of behavior.  There is nothing my dad could ever do that would make me cut him out of my life. My mom pretty much cut herself out of my life but if she could act civil to me I would like her in my life. For what it's worth I think you would be a fun and awesome mom. Big hugs.