Cassandra's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl

[Jayne01]

Cassie, thank you so much for this thread. You eloquently put into words so much of what I have personally experienced but had no words to describe. I also like your splinter in the mind analogy. I may have to borrow that when I come out to people.

Jayne

[SassyCassie]

Cassie, thank you so much for this thread. You eloquently put into words so much of what I have personally experienced but had no words to describe. I also like your splinter in the mind analogy. I may have to borrow that when I come out to people.

Hi Jayne,

By all means, please feel free to use whatever I can share on here. I'm happy to be of help - especially when it comes to helping folks understand just what it is we're experiencing. Not only do cis people not understand, they can't understand - not without our help.

[SassyCassie]

Jun 14 2017, 07.09pm
I had a delightful surprise today!
Early in the afternoon, I got an email from the director of the Public Relations department at work, asking if I was in my office. I replied that I was, for the first time today.

About 15 minutes later, she and the rest of her team came filing into my office. My expression changed to one of, "What's going on here?" as I watched them come in. It turns out that they had come down there to give me a little present. It was a bracelet from Alex and Ani with a ship's wheel on it.

The enclosed card read:

"Your inner compass will steer you in the right direction. Providing you with guidance on your life's journey. It points the way that leads to a brighter future. Embrace a new start, take the wheel, and realize that all things are possible when you trust your inner power."

I was speechless for a moment, filled with a flood of emotions. I later told "C" (the director) that it was a good thing she didn't ask me to read the card out loud because I would have lost my composure entirely (but in a good way)!

This was such a sweet gesture on their part. I can't recall having ever experienced such a spontaneous act of kindness like this directed at me. I thanked them and gave everyone a hug after I put on the new bracelet and showed it off with my other two.

This is one of those unforgettable moments that will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my years.



Jun 16 2017, 04.35pm
Cassandra visits Winter Park as herself.
Nearly one year after making the decision to start exercising more and eating less, I made my own version of a "soft opening", as they say in the restaurant world.

I had my 3-month med check with my HRT doctor at 8am and decided I'd swing by Winter Park to see if "K" wanted to meet up for coffee. She excitedly responded in the affirmative.

I parked the car, grabbed my purse, and walked down the block to the Starbucks right across the street from where I work. "K" was standing there on the sidewalk, watching me approach with a big smile on her face. She had never seen me in person as Cassandra before today. For me, it didn't feel much different than any other day, but that's a benefit of the confidence I had been building about being "out" over the last few months.

Though I was my true self that day, I still gave the name, "Ferret" to the cashier. It had crossed my mind to use "Cassandra" but I thought I'd save that for the very special occasion coming up on July 3rd.

As I was doctoring my coffee, one of the baristas who recognized me as a regular, looked me up and down, asked me how I was doing, and said, "Glittery purple polish?" in reference to my toenails. My first thought at that was that they're really painted more of a magenta, but I let it slide. I told him that I was off that day and came to visit a friend. He asked where I worked and I told him I worked right across the street. I kind of wanted to tell him that next month, this is how I will be showing up all the time, but decided to save that for a later time.

"K" and I found a place to sit by the fountain, underneath the blooming jasmine trees - never a more perfect setting for two ladies to sit and chat over coffee. I don't remember how we got on to the topic, but I mentioned to her about my process of having to break myself of a lot of male habits and be conscious of adopting female mannerisms. I told her about how it initially took a conscious effort to always be aware of how I walk, how I talk, how I stand, what gestures I made, and a whole host of other things. I also commented on just how quickly and easily those things became habit - almost as though they were always there and are finally coming out. She said essentially the same thing and that all she sees now is the woman I've become. I'm soooo ready to be full-time! I can't wait for July 3rd to get here.

In all, it was a good day!


Author's note: "K", referenced in this post, is one of my coworkers to whom I had come out only a few months prior to the date of this event. She has been a dear friend to me and having only met me a short time prior, has had the easiest time of adjusting her use of name and pronouns. She remarked at one point that when I originally introduced myself to her as "{DEADNAME}", she looked at me and thought, "Sure, if you say so". By then, I had been pushing my appearance and mannerisms further and further toward the feminine side and people were noticing.

Oh, and "Ferret" is a nickname I have carried for about the last 20 years. I started using it for various drink and lunch orders instead of "{DEADNAME}" because I wasn't really him anymore but I wasn't quite "Cassandra"...yet.



Jun 18 2017, 07.25am
Had a nice shopping day yesterday.
My wife, "D", and I went down the Altamonte to do a bit of shopping. I can recall a time when I might have rolled my eyes and said, "Ugh" at such a prospect. Quite the opposite now, I'm happy to say.

It was an especially nice day in that I finally found a pair of women's pants in a size that fit me which were comfortable, the right length, and flattering. Oh, and did I mention that they were comfortable? The material felt luxurious on my skin!

Combine that with the delivery of the three shirts I had ordered, and my work wardrobe was suddenly expanded. All of the shirts fit, especially the polo shirt I had ordered. At first glance when I unpacked it, it looked like it was going to be too small, but I was wrong - it was a perfect fit! I will definitely have to order some more of those in an array of colors because this one looked really cute on me.

It makes me so happy to think about how much more I care about what I wear both at work and just being around in general than I did in previous years. Clothing is now something I can enjoy, rather than just serving the utilitarian purpose of covering up my body.


Author's note: You may wonder why a wife who clearly doesn't want to stay married to me is willing to go shopping with me to expand my new wardrobe. By this time, she had come to accept my new reality as just that - reality. While we can't stay married, we are still friends.

[Jayne01]

Jun 14 2017, 07.09pm
I had a delightful surprise today!
Early in the afternoon, I got an email from the director of the Public Relations department at work, asking if I was in my office. I replied that I was, for the first time today.

About 15 minutes later, she and the rest of her team came filing into my office. My expression changed to one of, "What's going on here?" as I watched them come in. It turns out that they had come down there to give me a little present. It was a bracelet from Alex and Ani with a ship's wheel on it.

The enclosed card read:

"Your inner compass will steer you in the right direction. Providing you with guidance on your life's journey. It points the way that leads to a brighter future. Embrace a new start, take the wheel, and realize that all things are possible when you trust your inner power."

I was speechless for a moment, filled with a flood of emotions. I later told "C" (the director) that it was a good thing she didn't ask me to read the card out loud because I would have lost my composure entirely (but in a good way)!

This was such a sweet gesture on their part. I can't recall having ever experienced such a spontaneous act of kindness like this directed at me. I thanked them and gave everyone a hug after I put on the new bracelet and showed it off with my other two.

This is one of those unforgettable moments that will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my years.

How awesome! What a nice gesture.

[SassyCassie]

How awesome! What a nice gesture.

It was! I still wear those bracelets most of the time. They've been my inspiration over the months. Back when I originally wrote that, I was still two weeks from my official "coming out" day at work, but by that time all of the managers and directors had been informed of the upcoming change.

[steph2.0]

It was! I still wear those bracelets most of the time. They've been my inspiration over the months. Back when I originally wrote that, I was still two weeks from my official "coming out" day at work, but by that time all of the managers and directors had been informed of the upcoming change.

Cassie gave me a tour yesterday, and I met some of her coworkers. Every one of them treated her with respect and even friendship. I was very impressed, and it shows not only the quality of her coworkers, but also the excellent person she is to earn that kind of acceptance. Very cool!

Stephanie

[SassyCassie]

Jul 15 2017, 02.27pm
I had my "Day 1" on July 3rd. That was almost two weeks ago.

Of all the places which have the most people who might have an issue with me, the {REDACTED} compound is in the top 3. Of course, we had a switch get hit by lightning over the weekend out there and it needed to be replaced ASAP.

So much for easing into things. Instead, I hit the ground running!

Since it was a bridge day between a weekend and a holiday, there was hardly anyone there and I really only ran into one person while I was working. We just exchanged greetings and went on with our work, just as with any normal day which, I suppose it was.

The best part of that day was, without a doubt, when I got my new ID badge. Finally, I'm just Cassandra both at home and at work. I still have to get the legal name change done, but just being able to live as one person after all this time is an amazingly liberating feeling. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

When July 4th came around, of course I had the day off and some time to reflect on the previous day. It almost felt surreal, like some sort of dream. Wednesday though, I was right back in the trenches and got called out to {REDACTED} to help "Mumbles" with some phones and PCs that weren't getting network access. This time the facility was fully staffed and the first office we went into had three guys in it. I was there, dressed as my newly-out self, and I don't think they quite knew how to act. All three of them filed out through the door as "Mumbles" and I got to work. I originally thought they were going some place quiet to have a giggle, but I may have been wrong about that. I later heard that most of the managers out there hadn't told their staff about me and I think "G", their manager, was giving them the Cliff's Notes version real quick.

In all, it was an incredibly busy week but I was met with nothing but positivity from everyone I ran into. I mainly stuck to going places where I had business to handle and just walking in like nothing at all was different. It turns out, that seems to be the best way to go about this. My therapist had said that basically, if I don't make a big deal out of it, most other people won't either.


Jul 15 2017, 02.49pm
According to our Nurse Coach at work, the HR manager gave a presentation in the Employee Orientation this week which, among other things, covered the harassment policies. I didn't get a whole lot of detail but there were a few people who asked questions about me and she had said they were asked very nicely and seemed to be out of genuine curiosity.

She told me that even though I'm transitioning for myself, I've been a catalyst for some positive change at work. I thanked her for sharing that with me. It made me happy to hear!

[SassyCassie]

Jul 23 2017, 10.22pm
Today, I had to work pretty hard to drag myself out of the house and run the errands that needed running. One of those errands involved going to Target to pick up my Spiro prescription which, for some reason, hadn't been refilled with my Estradiol patches. I had less than a day's worth left, so I couldn't wait any longer.

When I got there, I had the card in hand from the last time I had gotten it filled, so there could be no mistake. I handed it to the pharmacist - a woman around my age. She looked at the card and then at me and said to me, "I'm not sure how to ask this, but what's your name? I know I can't call you '{DEADNAME}' - it would probably be a little awkward."

"My name's 'Cassandra", I replied, "Thank you for asking".

She smiled and said, "No problem, Cassandra. I'm Dyan. Just give me 15 minutes and I'll have this filled."

This exchange, brief as it was, really made my day. Most times, people see and treat me like any other woman. Given that my old name is still on the prescription forms, I am effectively outing myself every time I go to the pharmacy or any other place at which legal identity documentation is involved. I had always assumed that they see more than a few trans women like myself, who are picking up prescriptions for Spiro and Estradiol, and at this point it was no big deal. It still is, of course, but to be acknowledged at trans and treated with this degree of understanding is a wonderful feeling.

Purely by coincidence, I got a text from CVS, asking me to take a survey. Normally, I don't bother with those store- or restaurant-visit surveys but I went ahead and did this one. I answered everything honestly and in the freeform comment section, I filled up the alotted number of characters with a glowing review of my interaction with Dyan.

I'm actually looking forward to getting my next prescription refill and hoping Dyan is there again.



Jul 26 2017, 10.47pm
Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my coworkers. The conversation took a turn, I don't remember how, toward the topic of gender confirmation surgery - specifically, the "bottom surgery" undergone by many trans women. I never stated or even implied that I was entertaining the thought of doing that myself.

One of the things she said that sticks out in my mind was that, "...it's unnatural". "The end result isn't natural".

She also used that same term in reference to the changes in brain chemistry and emotions I had been experiencing as part of hormone therapy.

"Unnatural", she said.

I didn't really have a lucid response for these statements at the time, but it gave me food for thought.

I can't help but wonder a few things:

Is spending over 40 years living with a brain wired for the wrong body, "natural"?
Is living all these years depressed and angry at a subconscious level, "natural"?

If the answer to either of these questions is "yes", then all I have to offer nature is an upraised middle finger.



Jul 31 2017, 09.34pm
It's been a while since the last one, but today was a particularly rough day. I'm running a serious sleep deficit already and it's only Monday. That's probably a huge part of the problem.

Today started out a little slow, but I kept getting pulled in many different directions and was unable to focus very long on any one given thing. A friend asked me to go and get coffee with her. I gratefully accepted, enjoying the brief respite from the seemingly endless series of interruptions.

I think what made today the hardest for me in a while were two things:

For a while now, I've been hung up on the quality of my voice, vis a vis sounding more feminine. It's been bothering me that I can't seem to make any progress in that regard, especially when talking to someone over the phone, which I do quite a bit as part of my job.

Second, and somewhat related, is that I've been getting misgendered repeatedly all day. More often than not, the people who do it don't even realize they did. I try to maintain an understanding that everyone around me has to adjust but when I'm tired like this, my defenses are way down and stuff like this gets under my skin more than it normally would. Combined with being self-conscious about my voice, and it made for a lousy day.

Late afternoon, because of all of this, I was emotionally not in a very good place. I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure.

It's disconcerting just how easily that mask slides back into place.

I knew early on into this transition that I would be tested again and again but didn't know when it would come. I think today is one of those days. What has me the most worried is just how often I will be tested in the days to come and what the end result will be.

I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away - just resigning myself to being the same old miserable overweight sloth, committing a slow suicide through neglect.

I've come so far in such a short period of time that I don't want to give it all up. I'm not anywhere near that "{EXPLETIVE} it" moment but even the slimmest possibility that that time may come has me worried.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Cassandra,

Your last post was written six months ago. Having met you last month I can say that the woman I met appears well beyond the point of ever reliving, "I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away". The woman that I met had too much joy and presence of self to go back "There".

You did speak of a thing that has continued to get to me, even after being out full time for over a year now. You spoke of a time when your emotions were way down and said, "I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure". Both you and I realize that this is not the way to deal with such bouts of low spirits but I continually fall into that trap; just coming out of a bad round of such times now. I have yet to find a reliable course correction when down in the dumps. Those are the only times that I really get seriously scared anymore.

I look forward to your continued story.

Tia Anne

[Laurie]

 Hi Cassi and you too Tia,

  Your conversation of both of you getting down at this point in your transition is unpleasant for me to read. Not really from fear of doing it myself but from the reference of friends who are further along than I have these fears. More so with you Tia because you are quite a bit ahead of me. Cassie you  and I started about the same time but with all the help you have been to Stephanie I just think of you and being further along too. I sort of look up to both of you and I bothers me to think of you two having problems. But I guess you are human too and can also have your ups and downs. Like you all here do for me I am here to help you both if I can.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Anne Blake]

Cassie, sorry to borrow your thread for a moment but there is something I need to tell Laurie.

Laurie, yes, you know bloody well that life has its ups and downs and this silly dance that life has given us does indeed have significant challenges, BUT.....you have met several women from here at Susan's and you have seen the joy that is present in their lives. You have spent time with Deb and me and you saw and know the fullness of life that we have been blessed with. We all stumble but I am not aware of any of us that would ever consider letting go of the joy and proper completeness that living the life we have found to go back, even if we could. AND, I have personally seen that same joy in your face. Don't even pretend to tell me that you don't know the value of what you have found in this life sister! And, all I need is for you and the rest of our brothers and sisters to help us up when we stumble. By the way, thank you for being there for so many of us, we would appreciate it if you would be willing to accept the hand up offered to you from so many committed co-conspirators, err, I mean friends.

Thanks for the loan of your thread Cassie!

Tia Anne

[steph2.0]

...you have met several women from here at Susan's and you have seen the joy that is present in their lives. You have spent time with Deb and me and you saw and know the fullness of life that we have been blessed with. We all stumble but I am not aware of any of us that would ever consider letting go of the joy and proper completeness that living the life we have found to go back, even if we could. AND, I have personally seen that same joy in your face. Don't even pretend to tell me that you don't know the value of what you have found in this life sister! And, all I need is for you and the rest of our brothers and sisters to help us up when we stumble. By the way, thank you for being there for so many of us, we would appreciate it if you would be willing to accept the hand up offered to you from so many committed co-conspirators, err, I mean friends.

Yes, what she said!

Both Tia and I have had a bad time of it in the last week or so, but neither one of us would even consider any other path but the one we're on. When the bad times pass, the joy is so intense at times that it's almost incomprehensible. Today is one of those days for me, at least. The idea that I can be happy just because I'm me is wonderfully novel.

Cassie just made me aware of something that I hadn't realized - or at least acknowledged: that I have brought happiness to other people's lives. My first reaction was to dismiss the thought. After living with such low self-esteem for so long, the best I would allow myself is that people might tolerate me. But as I slowly learn to love myself, maybe I can accept that people like me, and once in a while my existence is appreciated. The cool thing about happiness, like hugs, is when you give it away, you get it back multiplied.

Tia, I'm so glad to see you back here. You had me worried, girl. I will always think of you as that confident, classy woman that everyone fell in love with, who I met in Phoenix. The unsure, depressed soul I've seen a few times lately is a stranger to me, and should be to you, too. Leave her behind and join the joyful times with the rest of us!

And I'll add my apologies to Cassie about highjacking her thread...


- Stephanie

[SassyCassie]

Your last post was written six months ago. Having met you last month I can say that the woman I met appears well beyond the point of ever reliving, "I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away". The woman that I met had too much joy and presence of self to go back "There".

Over the course of my life, there are a great many things that have just come easily for me. It didn't take a whole lot of effort to, not necessarily excel, but to do reasonably well at something. Of course, what that bred is a tendency to just up and quit when something becomes more than a little bit of a challenge. For a long time since I realized how much good transitioning was for me, I had been afraid of that tendency to quit just rearing its ugly head. That fear is magnified by the staggering number and magnitude of challenges I've been facing. Now that I'm thinking about it a bit more deeply, I could say it was almost like I was being pursued by a demon wearing an all-too-familiar face and whom I would change back into if he ever caught up to me.

Maybe that's why I don't necessarily regard my former self as being "dead" as in the context of the term "deadname", but I do have a burning desire to meticulously and methodically erase every trace of his existence.

In the months since writing those above passages, I suppose I've largely allowed myself to let go of that fear of ever giving up and going back. With that comes the confidence that I can do this, I will do this and I am doing this!

You did speak of a thing that has continued to get to me, even after being out full time for over a year now. You spoke of a time when your emotions were way down and said, "I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure". Both you and I realize that this is not the way to deal with such bouts of low spirits but I continually fall into that trap; just coming out of a bad round of such times now. I have yet to find a reliable course correction when down in the dumps. Those are the only times that I really get seriously scared anymore.

Part of my being hesitant to talk with them about such things is that, at the time, none of my friends could really and truly understand what I was dealing with. Since Steph and I have become such close friends, we each have someone with whom we can share just about anything regardless of the topic and for the most part we "get it".

Falling into that old trap as you put it was far too easy before having someone close to me who is dealing with many of the exact same challenges as I.

[SassyCassie]

  Your conversation of both of you getting down at this point in your transition is unpleasant for me to read. Not really from fear of doing it myself but from the reference of friends who are further along than I have these fears. More so with you Tia because you are quite a bit ahead of me. Cassie you  and I started about the same time but with all the help you have been to Stephanie I just think of you and being further along too. I sort of look up to both of you and I bothers me to think of you two having problems. But I guess you are human too and can also have your ups and downs. Like you all here do for me I am here to help you both if I can.

When I went to my first T-Network gathering last year, I had never (AFAIK) met any other transgender people. Suddenly, I'm standing on the patio of a restaurant surrounded by them...us...whichever. Everyone was at various stages in their transition and some of the ladies there just were absolutely stunning - so lovely, well put together and looking just casual as can be at it. I regarded those folks like rockstars and could not imagine ever getting to that point except for maybe some point in the far distant future, if all of the stars were to align just perfectly - an unattainable future, or so I had thought.

Months later learning more of who this Cassandra lady was, I noticed that some of the newer folks were acting around me the same way I was around that original group of "rockstars". It was a bit of an odd feeling that was pretty hard to accept but I got there.

The funny thing is that I was at one of those gatherings last week with Steph. A number of those "rockstars" were there and I chatted briefly with one or two while circulating through the crowd. I still felt a little of that "not worthy" feeling from before and I'm afraid it might have been perceived as a bit of standoffishness.  There are still some realms in which I'm building my confidence but that's all part of life, I suppose.

Oh, and for all of you folks apologizing for hijacking my thread, no worries there. I'm always glad to provoke thoughtful conversation above and beyond the question of "What were you thinking?"

[SassyCassie]

Jul 31 2017, 09.55pm
Riding on the train.
I don't remember which day this was, but it was one day last week when I rode the train in to work. I was running late, so decided to pull out my laptop and get some work done while enjoying the ride. At the next stop, another woman sat down across the table from me. We exchanged pleasant smiles and "Good morning"s and each set to work on our respective laptops.

After a little while, she started digging through her bags, apparently looking for something. She glanced up at me with a smile and said, "Too may bags." I just nodded and smiled.

When my stop was coming up, I started packing up my things. She was doing the same and asked me, "Winter Park?"

I said, "Yes. I work for {EMPLOYER}," to which she replied, "Oh, I work right across the street next to Starbucks. I'm a 'Realtors Assistant'. I really like where I work."

I said with an animated gesture, "I know, right! One of the things I love about working there is all of the little restaurants and shops right nearby."

The conversation petered out at that point which I felt like was my fault. The old, antisocial me wouldn't let me flow into what would have been the next natural step in this interaction. I was kicking myself shortly afterward that I didn't introduce myself before we parted ways. I'm kind of saddened that it went this way. I had the chance to make a new connection with someone who would only know me as Cassandra...and I blew it. {EXPLETIVE}.

All I can do now is learn the lesson being taught here and promise myself that the next time (Yes, girl, there WILL be a next time!), I won't let the opportunity slip by.



Aug 03 2017, 08.01pm
Made a connection of sorts today.
Prior to beginning this new chapter (whole new book, really) of my life, I didn't know any trans people, nor really anyone at all who was part of the LGBT community. Since the beginning of this year, I've met and talked with some other trans people but not really that in-depth. You know, the kind of deep, sharing connection that you get when you have a chance to talk one-on-one with someone with whom you have more than one thing in common.

My date for coffee this morning was "J", an openly gay co-worker of mine with whom I had had a few conversations. We had talked about a variety of topics, sometimes regarding my transition at work. When we talked over coffee this morning, we shared some of the more deep, personal parts of our lives. It was nice to just sit and chat frankly with someone who's experienced similar types of social stigma to which I'm only recently being introduced.

It felt good to finally make more than a superficial connection with someone who is an active part of this community which I suddenly found myself a part of.

The future looks promising.

Edit: A suggesstion "J" mentioned to me is that maybe I ought to draft a sort of thank-you letter for the upper management at work. Sort of a gesture on behalf of myself and for the greater LGBT community, so as to promote good will and such. I'm not putting it very eloquently but after thinking about it, I think it's a fine idea. The one-month mark would have been a good time to write it and send it out to all of the directors but I kind of missed the boat on that one. I suppose I can call it, "just over a month after..."

[SassyCassie]

Aug 20 2017, 01.17am
Got some bad news tonight, though it came to me indirectly and purely by chance.
I have gotten into a habit of every now and then, looking at the Facebook profiles and pictures of some of my family and friends from the past. I can't follow any of them unless we're friends, so I have to do a bit of searching and following comment/reaction threads to find people.

Well, I happened upon a picture my Aunt "N" posted about her having gone to some festival. There was a comment posted to that picture by my Aunt "C", grousing about how she wishes her sisters had invited her to go along as well. I tapped her photo to see what was on her profile.

That was a mistake.

Among the lines of profile info, there was a little gray heart with the word, "Widowed" next to it. My heart fell somewhere down around my feet upon seeing that. I dug through the pictures she had posted and found a bunch of her and my Uncle "B", clustered around the same period in time. Apparently, my uncle died some time around May and they had a military service for him down at the national cemetery in Lake Worth. Looking at the captions on the pictures that had them and seeing some of the comments, I started to piece together when it had happened. The more I saw, the more the tears fell and the more wracking sobs came. This must have lasted 20 minutes or so, coming in waves of sorrow.

I can't decide what hurts the most about the whole situation - the fact that no one told me about this or that I've chosen to remain disconnected from my family for the time being.

This is one of those bridges I knew I'd have to cross eventually as the years go by. I just didn't know what form it would take.

My Aunt "C" doesn't have all of the privacy options engaged on her posts. Commenting isn't open to non-friends, but the 'Like' button was still available. I was sorely tempted to put a Sad reaction on some of the memorial pics, but I hesitated, wondering if this is a potential can of worms I wanted to open right now. I decided to hold off for the time being. I think I'll mention it to some of my close friends and get their opinions on the situation. I'm also going to try and remember to bring it up in my next therapy session on Wednesday.

I wanted to write up a post to my own wall about this, but I'm also holding back on that until I get some feedback.

It's late and I'm off to bed now. I just wanted to get this down somewhere while it was still fresh in my memory.



Aug 20 2017, 11.09pm
Watched The Danish Girl tonight. As expected, it was for me, a tear jerker.
The theme of identity in the movie is one that I found particularly significant.

In a few scenes - one in particular, Lily refers to Einar as being dead. This follows with the common notion that a trans person's former identity is dead - hence the term "dead name", referring to one's former name.

I too have experienced this feeling. Cassandra is a new and totally different person than the one everybody got to know as "{DEADNAME}". There are some similarities, to be sure, but this new person coming out to the world is so much more vibrant, colorful, and beautiful - the most striking differences.

I have had the idea that "{DEADNAME}" is well and truly dead everywhere except on legal documentation, but that's not entirely accurate. Rather than death, this is more of a retirement from a less-than-fulfilling life. His services are simply no longer required.

From the outside looking in, some people may see this as more like {DEADNAME} is dead and Cassandra killed him.

Still, hearing and reading my former name in places is becoming less and less frequent but it still is jarring on my psyche. Maybe there is some tiny sense of loss which gets exacerbated each of those times.

The bottom line of it is this: If {DEADNAME} is dead, I will not mourn him. Instead, I will acknowledge who he was and that he played a pivotal role in making me who I am today.

[SassyCassie]

Sep 03 2017, 07.09pm
A weight was lifted from me today. After I had put together my new grill and was getting ready to test it out, Two Feathers, the guy who lives in the upstairs of the house next door called down to me from the top of his stairs.

"Hey neighbor," he said.

I looked up and waved, assuming this would be just another superficial contact with neighbors I had been trying to avoid.

"Hey," I said.

"I've been meaning to ask you, out of respect for your transition, I'm guessing you don't go by '{DEADNAME}' any more, but what name do you prefer?"

I was briefly taken aback by this - the simulations of this conversation in my head had gone a bit differently, but I replied, "Cassandra".

He said, "Cassandra, okay. Well, I just wanted to let you know we're totally supportive. You've got nothing to worry about from us. I've got a sister who's Bi and a daughter who's lesbian, so it's all good with me."

Then, he added, "My girlfriend saw you a while back and said, 'I wonder if that's his daughter'. I just shook my head and told her, 'No'. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you everything's okay."

I said, "Thanks, I appreciate that. It really means a lot to me to hear that."

This conversation, though brief as it was, made me a little misty-eyed and only then did I realize that it was not an insignificant thing that had been weighing on me for a while. I recall having posted a paragraph or two in reference to my neighbors and mentioned how unsure I was as to how they might finally react once they figured out what was going on with me. I did also express a feeling that I might have been stereotyping more than a little. It turns out that that was the case.

Still, this little chat did serve to brighten my day a bit.



Sep 04 2017, 07.53am
Thoughts on a multitude of hobbies.
Over the years, I've noticed that I have a habit of taking up some sort of hobby, going with it for a while, and then pretty much forgetting about it after not too long of a time. I always chalked this up to just being part of my nature, but I had a thought that cast doubt on that notion.

I was thinking about the alternative to my deciding to transition last year - that being, continuing to live as the bearded fat guy that I was and basically committing a slow suicide through neglect of a body that was forced upon me from birth. This of course, came complete with a steady undercurrent of depression and a subsequent {EXPLETIVE}ty outlook on life.

I had a tendency to get really excited about something new - some new activity or hobby as I said above. I'd jump into it with gusto and would focus a lot of time, energy, and money on it. Later, I would lose interest and just have all of this "stuff" around me as the wretched remains of this interest.

What makes me wonder now, is if I sought out these things and maybe saw them as, finally, a remedy for that undercurrent of depression I had felt most of my life. Maybe that's why I got so excited about each one for a time. Then, after it became apparent that this was not the cure I had been seeking, I moved on to other things.

The thought had crossed my mind that this - this transition, this final acceptance of my true nature is just another one of those fleeting interests. I'm not the only one to have suggested this either, which is what gives me cause to consider the idea.

I don't think that is the case, though. I feel so much different, so much more content now, finally comfortable just being me. I don't have those random moments of sadness that come completely unbidden, that cause the silent thousand-yard-stare and make people look at me and ask, "What's wrong?"

That's all gone now, it seems.

[AutumnGurl81]

Hi Cassie, I just wanted to say congratulations on all your progress. Your updates are like a diary and very honest, I'm really thankful that you share them. I think that's so fantastic (about your neighbor), there hasnt been anything better for me, in the beggining of my transition, then someone saying "you have my/our unconditional support." So im really happy to hear that for you. Looking forward to more.

[SassyCassie]

Hi Cassie, I just wanted to say congratulations on all your progress. Your updates are like a diary and very honest, I'm really thankful that you share them. I think that's so fantastic (about your neighbor), there hasnt been anything better for me, in the beggining of my transition, then someone saying "you have my/our unconditional support." So im really happy to hear that for you. Looking forward to more.

Thank you Justýna,

I'm glad folks here are enjoying my story so far. All of these entries are from my personal journal that I started up less than a month into transition - mainly as an outlet for some of the thoughts I was having because I really had no one to talk to back then about a lot of this stuff.

I can recall back when I was a kid in fourth or fifth grade in school, we were asked (told) to start writing in a "Thought Book". I barely wrote anything in it and usually I wrote nothing at all. The need to keep my innermost thoughts and feelings was a pretty strong drive even back then and served to dampen any creative spark I may have had back then. That is, until the teacher, having gotten frustrated by my lack of productivity, chastised me with the words, "Are you empty-headed?"
At that, the spark flared into an incandescent raging fire that manifested itself in the form of words burned onto the pages of that Thought Book. Words beginning with the phrase, "I am NOT empty-headed..." and followed by an angry screed detailing the reasons why I refused to make public my inner and most private thoughts just so they could be read and evaluated by some snooping third party with the interest of psychological correction or punishment or even worse, institutionalization. By then, I was already a voracious reader and had developed a vocabulary far in excess of my peers. Articulating such ideas as I put down on that paper came easily then, as did the knowledge of just how our society, such that it was, treated people who were perceived as "different".

Even at 9 years old, I had already learned to keep to myself through the previous four (or five) years of torment having been forced into close proximity with dozens of other people. People who, at any moment, could realize that there was something different about me and begin the all-too-familiar process of ostracizing me from any of the smaller social groups that inevitably formed. Early on, my family moved around a lot, so every year or two, it was on to a new school (prison) and a new group of people to begin the process anew.

Fast forwarding to more recent times, my current neighbors, I mostly kept at arm's length, not wanting to get too close too quickly. When I had made my choice to transition, I kept even further away, due mainly to those old habits developed over the years but that's how I survived for so long. Even after that turning point in our relationship, our interaction is still relatively limited to superficial conversations over the fence or the borrowing/returning of my extension ladder. I've become good friends with their cat though so that counts, right?

I apologize if this diatribe seems a bit of a lengthy response to your complimentary message to me, but sometimes the inspiration strikes and, unlike in years past, the thoughts flow freely outward.

[SassyCassie]

Sep 28 2017, 11.22pm
Today was another first for me - another little milestone passed.
Today was my first day going to work in a skirt.

I had gone to the T-Network gathering last night and being that it was in Oviedo, I got over there a bit early. I decided I'd go up the road to Ross and do a little shopping. Well, with some consultation with "K", I put together a new outfit with a medium-gray mid-calf-length skirt and a...almost raspberry colored 3/4 sleeve top. I tried it on later that night and decided, "Oh yeah, I'm wearing this tomorrow!"

During the process of finding just the right top to go with it, when I sent pictures of some darker-colored tops, one reaction I got from "K" was, "Listen, Tuesday! You are not going to a funeral! You wear colors now. If you show up like that, people are going to wonder what's wrong."
She's so sweet and funny sometimes! I love her! I'm so lucky to have a friend like her.

Anyway, when I got to work this morning, and walked through the parking lot, I really didn't see anyone else out there. The tiny kernel of doubt in my mind was thinking something like, "Okay, maybe we can just go quietly to the office and not run into anyone, so as to not make a big deal out of it or cause any embarrassment." Well, I had no such luck because when I opened the door, both the Purchasing Manager and the Assistant City Manager (my boss's boss) were standing right there in the hallway, looking at me. They both said that I looked great. What a relief! The rest of the day, I got lots of compliments on my outfit, helping to further belie the notion that I have only a shaky grasp on what works, fashion-wise.

As one might expect, the only one of the guys who said anything was "Flanders". He acted like it was some kind of surprise that I'd show up to work in a skirt. Of course, with any other woman, it would have just been routine and no big deal. As time goes by and some of the older people retire, the newer people will only know me as...me. They won't have any direct memory of "him", aside from what some of their coworkers may tell them in hushed tones. That just means, I'll get misgendered less and less going forward. It's something to look forward to.



Sep 29 2017, 11.28pm
I had a moment about a week ago.
On September 22nd, I was out to lunch with friends from work at the local Ale House.

We were just chatting and carrying on like friends do. I found it hard to squeeze in a word but I did, here and there. The problem was that what I was saying was not very well thought out and, in my opinion, not very nice either. What I had said was snarky and sarcastic in many ways. Because of that, it bothered me but I couldn't stop blurting things out. I started to withdraw and shut down.

A little while into the conversation, there were a few comments thrown my way about how quiet I was being. That really didn't help. I only got quieter.

On the way back, "K" asked me what was wrong. I tried to just explain it away like I used to long ago, but I couldn't pull it off and I started to tear up. The snowball was rolling at that point.

A few minutes later, I was openly sobbing while "K" was telling me to pull over somewhere. I found a place and stopped the truck, at which point I just started bawling out loud. She asked me what was happening and in between gasps for air, I explained how those things I said at lunch were not very nice and that that's what the old me would have said. I told her that a part of my transition was me trying to be a better person.

After a while, with much encouragement from her to just "let it out" (which I did), we got back on our way.

This whole thing had been eating at me for an entire week afterward, with the memory of that day threatening to start me crying again.

This morning, I started listening to another trans-related podcast and something was mentioned that struck a chord with me in relation to that day last week. She pointed out the moments where the dysphoria flares up bright and hot from when you do something or say something (which was my case) that reminds you of "Him". Your former self.

Hearing that made a few things click in my mind and then I finally understood what it was that I was feeling that day and more importantly, why. Now, the thoughts of that day don't threaten to start me crying like they did before.

I told "K" about this particular revelation and then gave her a short explanation of what gender dysphoria really is - what it feels like.