Cassandra's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl

[SassyCassie]

Cassie,

Your recounting of your day with the cable guy warmed my heart.

I am visiting the marina where we kept our boat in years past.  I was walking the docks when a friend from the past approached.  We have seen one another in the recent past so he was aware of my more feminine proclivities but not the full extent.  When he greeted me, he said "One of the smarter guys."  Not sure what he was trying to convey but I knew he was fine with it.  We walked on down the dock as if nothing was one bit different to where he showed me his new-to-him boat.  So nice to be treated differently while be treated the same.

Stevi

Stevi,

One thing I have to marvel at that stands out from both your experience and mine is the fact that we have the courage to walk boldly forward into these encounters, regardless of the potential outcome. Finally having the confidence in who we are is such a powerful thing that, I hope, can take all of us to places we never dreamed we would go.

[SassyCassie]

Hi Cassie

Doesn't seem like a pie in the sky dream you should have a look a @Drexy's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214757.0/topicseen.html

This is the kind of thing she did. I am unsure exactly what surgeries she had done  but I know for sure there was a lot. She is an Aussie girl and we can't get any coverage for it with out  the out of pocket being upwards of 15k depending on circumstances...you might recoup a few of those costs but not much.

it sounds way frustrating dealing with your health system although despite having universal healthcare in Australia you can't get coverage for GCS or any trans related cost except psychological and then you can have as much as you want..LOL

Keep formulating that idea, you might be surprised how much you can have done with minimal cost by going outside of the US.

Hi Liz,

Thanks for the tip! I've been reading through Drexy's story over the last few days, when I can squeeze in some time to just sit and read (not much lately!).

With the guesstimate of cost in my mind for the procedures I'm wanting, I have a feeling that I'll only get to pick two out of the three procedures I'd like to have done. With more information, the idea will coalesce into something a bit more tangible of course. I know a lot of it will be a big waiting game but since (more or less) passing the tail end of second puberty, it's been a lot easier to be patient with the world around me.

I've sent enquiries to Facial Team for FFS, Yeson for VFS, and PAI for GCS. So far, I've gotten back replies from the first two. Facial Team won't even give me a Skype consultation until the end of January, so that's pretty much in a holding pattern. I'm not too worried though. Out of this trifecta of procedures, FFS has gone to the bottom of my list and may very well end up being stricken from the list entirely.

Someone from Yeson responded to my message in the wee hours of the night and sent me lots of info and videos to review. One detail significant to the planning of this little adventure is that the patient is restricted from going under general anaesthesia. I'm assuming that's mainly because it necessitates intubation, so that obviously will have to be my last stop. I kind of planned things that way in my mind.

I'll probably post here as things develop and when time permits.

I've still got to submit my passport application and wait for that system to grind through its process before I can put any of these things on the calendar.

So much to do but so much potential reward!

[Faith]

Cassie, I hope everything goes to expectation (and less expensive as well). You and Steph must really comb through your photos before posting them though. I don't see the need. But, you are the one that stares at it everyday.

[SassyCassie]

Cassie, I hope everything goes to expectation (and less expensive as well). You and Steph must really comb through your photos before posting them though. I don't see the need. But, you are the one that stares at it everyday.

Thank you, Faith! I hope it all goes better and less expensive too!

The photos that Steph and I post are from a carefully curated collection, drawn from a pool of hundreds. Trust me, there are quite a few which don't make the cut.

Regarding FFS, I've been pretty successful in passing. There are only a few details I'd like to have taken care of, to be honest. What deficiencies exist are (hopefully) balanced out by the rest of the overall presentation.

As for everything else, it strikes me as funny that the only aspect of it I find daunting is the month of total silence which follows VFS. I think it's triggering a little bit of dysphoria in me. The reason might be that, in the "before times", people used to tell me, "You're so quiet. You should talk more, be more social"

That was a defense mechanism so people would be less likely to realize that something was different about me if I limited my interactions with them.

Since starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

[Faith]

Since starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

HAH!  It's funny (not ha ha funny, well, not totally) that you should say that. I've done the same. When Lori and I are driving my mouth goes faster than the car. Small talk, where the heck did that come from !!??!!

[steph2.0]

The photos that Steph and I post are from a carefully curated collection, drawn from a pool of hundreds. Trust me, there are quite a few which don't make the cut.

Truth! [emoji1310]

Since starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

No comment.



Stephanie

[LizK]

Hi Cassie

I could have had my voice surgery last week if I wasn't having my pump replaced then it was because of the GCS in Nov then we have a clear time till the hip replacement and will do it then. The reason the Dr gave me is that he wanted 6-8 weeks of healing to have occurred before I was intubated for any other surgery which could damage his work.

It all takes time and it feels like we will never get there but we do...in the end...eventually

Take care

Liz 


 

[SassyCassie]

It all takes time and it feels like we will never get there but we do...in the end...eventually

I know, and you're absolutely right. I can recall the thoughts from back at the beginning of how it would take forever to get 6 months of laser treatments behind me to get rid of all the dark hairs. That day came and went, like so many other milestones in this journey.

I have learned to be patient for a lot of this stuff but the ambitious schedule I had in mind had more to do with budgeting travel expenses and long-term medical leave from work. It looks like, any way you slice it, I'm going to be boomeranging back and forth to Southeast Asia next year.

It's definitely going to be a year to remember!

I will do whatever it takes to one day stand on that beach with @Steph2.0 - with Pina Coladas in hand!

[SassyCassie]

Birthday wishes

This past weekend was my mom and aunt's birthday (they're twins).

I wanted to do something nice for them both but had to kind of tiptoe around my mom's religious beliefs which forbid the celebration of many things but particularly birthdays. The idea came to me to just take them out for a nice dinner. It was a bit short notice but I decided I had to try at least.

I asked for advice on how to approach the whole thing with my mom and still be able to wish my aunt a happy birthday. Asking for advice for this is something I would likely have never done in the "before time", even if I had remained in contact with my family back then. I got some good feedback from friends and one of my cousins on what to do. In fact, according to my cousin, "S" (my aunt's youngest daughter), my aunt hadn't really had any kind of birthday celebration for several years. I can understand that she and her sister really can't do much since they live more than a 12-hour drive away. Her eldest son, however, lives right nearby but can't be bothered to go out of his way for his mom. It's a familiar story, I know.

In trying to set up all of this, I felt like the switchboard operator, coordinating between everyone. That seems to be the story of my life lately, both at work and during my off hours. One of the texts from my mom pointed out that she doesn't celebrate birthdays and would be okay with bowing out of the dinner that night in favor of getting together at a later date. I assured her, "I understand and I respect that. This is strictly family getting together for dinner."

The original plan was for all of us to meet at my aunt's place and ride to dinner together. I thought I'd get there a little bit early and give my aunt some birthday wishes (and flowers and a card!). With my BFF, surprised but going along anyway, we hit the road...a little bit late. We stopped to pick up a card which made us a little more late. Diverting to get the flowers made us even later. I started to worry about what might happen with birthday...stuff going on in front of my mom. Eventually my confidence returned and I said, "Screw it, if she has an issue, I'll talk to her about it."

Everyone was already there when we arrived but there was absolutely no drama from my mom vis a vis the birthday wishes. Whew!

Dinner was tasty and the interactions between all of us were just like you would see in any family get-together. I was misgendered a couple of times but that's still to be expected for a while yet. It doesn't bother me like it used to and I gently corrected where appropriate. None of it was malicious. There was nothing but love at that table.

In fact, my mom mentioned that there was a certain waterfront restaurant that she'd like to go and have sundowners with me some time soon. What really sticks out in my mind is that she mentioned it at least three times. She really wants to do that! Squeee!

Me, mom, and Stephanie

I wanted so badly to set this up. After having been out of touch with any of these people for so many years, I hoped to make as good an impression as possible. We all seem to be getting along nicely but as with so many other things these days, there still exists a tiny kernel of doubt. I never felt the genuine affection toward my family that I do now. It's still kind of new and I can't help but wonder if this is actually what normal life is like for other people. Can I have this now? Really? It's not going to be snatched away or be pushed away by my reverting to old habits and behaviors?

I hope not. I really do. This is something that has been missing from my life for...well, pretty much all of it. Who I was before hated himself and pretty much everything associated - including relatives, for the most part.

Transition has opened so many doors that I had thought were shut permanently. I understand that it will take work to keep those doors open but honestly, I'm willing to put in the effort and am not afraid to try. I had read an article a while back about a concept they called "emotional labor". If my understanding of the idea is correct, it's all the little things most commonly done by women - organizing birthday parties, sending out Christmas cards, remembering to wish friends a "Happy Anniversary", and the like. It's an idea that, in the "before times", was something I knew I should be doing but rarely if ever did.

I'm making an effort to turn that around, not to live up to some real or imagined stereotype of "what women should be doing". This is something I want to do. This is something that makes me happy as it makes others in my life happy. I genuinely care about the people closest to me, which is kind of a new feeling but I'm loving every minute of it.

This dinner date is just one of those moments and it looks like everyone had a good time. I feel so fortunate to have such a loving, accepting family though it makes me sad to think of other folks who aren't so lucky.

I can't help but wonder if I'll experience something like the "novelty wearing off" at some point or if this is just the beginning stages of regular life. I suspect, and earnestly hope, it's the latter!

[steph2.0]

For my babbling viewpoint of that day, see the first paragraph  here.

I was so honored to witness all the love at that table!



Stephanie

[JudiBlueEyes]

You can really see the family similarity between your mother and you.  Beautiful! 

As to transitioning opening so many doors and the possibility of the novelty passing; yes to the first and only if you let the second.  I've become the more outgoing person I had locked away and I love her.  I will never let this feeling go as I love it so much.  I've followed your posts and you have made wonderful progress on all fronts. 
Judi

[LizK]

Hi Cassie

I think you did a really nice thing and made a difference in peoples lives. Thats what they will remember when they think about you. Don't be too hard on yourself or your motives...you sound to me like someone who has made and will continue to make significant changes in their life as you take it back. You are trying to connect to your family as the the person you really are and that may have some bumps along the way but you are doing so great.


Take care

Liz

[SassyCassie]

You can really see the family similarity between your mother and you.  Beautiful! 

Thank you Judi! Many years ago, someone (I don't remember who) had said to me, "You look like a male version of your mother." I don't recall how I responded but the notion stuck with me all this time.

It's been similar for me. I used to not be as outgoing as I am now. I'm no social butterfly but the anxiety I used to feel about going into new social situations and meeting new people is just gone. The temptation to revert to those old, easy (yet lonely) ways is still there but its voice is barely audible these days. I will admit to having a fear that something might happen to take it all away - almost as if I somehow don't deserve to have all this happiness in my life. Logically, I know that's entirely up to me but the fear, however small, still exists.

[SassyCassie]

I think you did a really nice thing and made a difference in peoples lives. Thats what they will remember when they think about you. Don't be too hard on yourself or your motives...you sound to me like someone who has made and will continue to make significant changes in their life as you take it back. You are trying to connect to your family as the the person you really are and that may have some bumps along the way but you are doing so great.

Liz,

When I asked my cousin for her advice, she mentioned that last year there was some friction between my mom and my aunt over the whole birthday thing. I don't know how severe the argument got but I do remember times in the past where they had a spat and weren't talking to each other for a period of time. Because of that, I wanted so much to make this work and I'm so glad it did. Maybe coming back into their lives, albeit a different person than they knew before, helped fill a space in their hearts that they were missing.

I'd like to say that I can only hope that future occasions will go as well but I already know that they will and I'm looking forward to them! Thanksgiving is coming up soon. Maybe I should offer to host it at my place. It would certainly be another big step.

[SassyCassie]

Revisions

Recently, in a conversation with @Steph2.0 she mentioned that I am like a version 2.0 of myself. Thinking about that, I can honestly say that I'm more of a version 4.0.

Version 1.0 - George - Birth through leaving high school. Became the awkward fat kid everyone found to be an easy target. Became withdrawn and distrustful of nearly all other people. Did a little bit of crossdressing in my mom's clothes before becoming too big to fit in them. Had a small wardrobe of found clothes but purged out of fear of discovery.

Version 2.0 - Ferret - Age 25 - 27. Moved out on my own, got depressed and anorexic and lost 100lbs in 9 months. Got into the goth scene and learned how to revel in my awkwardness while developing a strong "mental middle finger". Very happy with myself after passing the rough parts. Grew nails out and kept them sharpened to points because I liked having claws. Had a few skirts I wore to clubs but never went fully femme while being out and had wondered at the prospect of being a woman but summarily dismissed it as impossible.

Version 3.0 - George - Age 28 - 45. Moved to Central Florida and slowly backslid into obesity, caring less and less about what was happening with my body, eventually ending up just under 300 pounds. All old, now-too-small femme clothes buried deep in closet. Wore cargo pants and t-shirts most of the time and eventually got tired of shaving all the time and just let it grow into an unkempt beard, carved off with hair clippers and a #2 guard every month or so. Also known as BFG (Bearded Fat Guy) phase. Crossdressing started up again as almost an addiction and began building a wardrobe of "larger" clothes that would fit.

Version 4.0 - Cassie - Age 45 - ? Finally accepted just who I am and what I wanted to do. I took that first step and haven't looked back. This version is still very much a work in progress but so far so good. Purged the other, male wardrobe this time.

[SassyCassie]

Connections

Lately, in the process of reconnecting with family members, as I've been posting about recently, I've also been reconnecting with people who knew the Version 2.0 of me. I ran into a few at a party I went to several months ago and also at a few of the club nights I've gone to. We became friends on Facebook and through that, other old friends found me and quickly figured out who they were looking at, since the face I have now is only slightly different from the one they remember. To some folks I've met more recently, my transition and all of the changes that have come along with it has presented them with a completely different person than the one they met and they registered varying levels of shock when I came out to them.

Folks from Version 2.0 of me, not so much. Some of them saw what was within me even when I didn't or at least, refused to acknowledge it. Reconnection with them has been easy so far.

The thought has crossed my mind of whether or not I should seek out the people who knew Version 1.0 of me. When I moved out of the area, I pretty much broke all contact with the people I had known from high school and shortly after. Social connections just didn't mean very much to me back then. I'm debating the wisdom of just letting that part of the past stay in the past, as they would have no clue just who was standing in front of them. I've looked up a few of my friends from back then via Facebook and found that a few of them are still living in the area I left all those years ago. My mind even conceived of a way to reach out to one of them with irrefutable proof of who I am but still allowing them to decide if they want to reconnect.

My friend, "D" whom I met in high school had inherited a pistol from his dad. Nothing fancy - just something that, back in the 70's, was referred to as a "Saturday Night Special". He left it with me, asking if I could clean it up and get it working. After a while, I got it clean and in working order, but by then we had started to drift apart - I was spending a lot of time with other friends and getting into the goth scene in Orlando and West Palm Beach. Eventually, we both forgot that I still had the thing and it's been in my possession ever since. I always meant to get it back to him but wasn't really interesting in making the effort to do so. I thought that now that I'm making trips down that way to see my family, I could put the pistol in a box with a note containing contact information, knock on the door to his house and leave it with whoever answers the door (an adult though, not a kid of course). This may seem a bit cowardly but it also feels "safe".

Maybe that would open another door and maybe not. I'm still undecided as to whether or not to carry forth with the idea or take a more direct approach, or just forget about it entirely.

[SassyCassie]

Gender Blender

Something happened to me yesterday. I'd call it technically an incident of misgendering but without the accompanying dysphoria.

I was in my car, heading to work and got a phone call from the receptionist at one of our buildings. She said the cable guys were there and needed access to one of the wiring closets. I told her that I was mired in traffic and it may take 15 minutes or so to get there. When she relayed that to the cable guy, she told him (jokingly on my behalf) that "You need to buy him...her... He...she says you owe her lunch".

This fellow has only met Cassie and I'm not sure how much he knows or has guessed. His helper was giving me a gaping, open-mouthed stare last Monday, that I noticed out of the corner of my eye - probably because I had saved up 3 days worth of white stubble for my HNT appointment the following day. Not that it makes a huge difference - we're paying them to do a job and thus far, he's used nothing but the correct pronouns in reference to me. I haven't seen his young apprentice since that day though.

Getting back to the aforementioned misgendering, I felt like I should be upset about it. The pronouns came in such a dizzying word-salad, however, that I found it almost impossible to follow and ended up laughing about it after ringing off.

[LizK]

Gender Blender

Something happened to me yesterday. I'd call it technically an incident of misgendering but without the accompanying dysphoria.

I was in my car, heading to work and got a phone call from the receptionist at one of our buildings. She said the cable guys were there and needed access to one of the wiring closets. I told her that I was mired in traffic and it may take 15 minutes or so to get there. When she relayed that to the cable guy, she told him (jokingly on my behalf) that "You need to buy him...her... He...she says you owe her lunch".

This fellow has only met Cassie and I'm not sure how much he knows or has guessed. His helper was giving me a gaping, open-mouthed stare last Monday, that I noticed out of the corner of my eye - probably because I had saved up 3 days worth of white stubble for my HNT appointment the following day. Not that it makes a huge difference - we're paying them to do a job and thus far, he's used nothing but the correct pronouns in reference to me. I haven't seen his young apprentice since that day though.

Getting back to the aforementioned misgendering, I felt like I should be upset about it. The pronouns came in such a dizzying word-salad, however, that I found it almost impossible to follow and ended up laughing about it after ringing off.

Being able to laugh it off is really important and I think in this case the person was trying so hard to get it right...eventually getting there...they could easily be taken the wrong way and it blow a large chunk of your day. maybe the changes you have already made in your life are giving you the ability to laugh a bit more these days...I know they have for me..

Take care
Liz

[SassyCassie]

Being able to laugh it off is really important and I think in this case the person was trying so hard to get it right...eventually getting there...they could easily be taken the wrong way and it blow a large chunk of your day. maybe the changes you have already made in your life are giving you the ability to laugh a bit more these days...I know they have for me..

At this stage of my life, I can withstand a bit of misgendering in certain situations without it completely wrecking my day like it used to.

I'm right there with you on that, sister! There is a whole variety of things which would have infuriated me in the past. These days, I can just let them roll off me like water off a duck's back. Sometimes, I even have a bit of a laugh at thinking just how my past self would have reacted to that situation.

Speaking of formerly infuriating situations, one thing that still amazes me. Previously, when small children were present and making all the usual children-noises, I used to get so annoyed. As I got further and further along in my transition, that changed pretty quickly to more of an indifference and then to a stage where if I find myself the object of a small child staring, I'll smile and give them a little wave, and it's not forced at all! It's just something that feels natural. Something else I've noticed, as time has gone by, is that if there is a small child nearby that is crying, I can't help but feel a little bit concerned, where before all I felt was anger.

Even this far along, every day holds new and wondrous things to discover!

[SassyCassie]

Friday Night Football

This past Friday night, I went to a football game ON PURPOSE!

Normally, I'm not much of a fan of any kind of sportsball but this was a special case. I was asked to take aerial photos of a high school football game in progress at our newly-remodeled stadium. The purpose of it is for some promotional pictures of the stadium in order to attract organizations that might want to advertise on the scoreboard. Not that I really get who might want to pay for an ad on a high school football stadium scoreboard but, whatever. It gets me more flight time and I get to do a part of my job that I really enjoy!

Of course, something I usually do (but sometimes forget) is to notify our local PD that I'm going to be shooting some aerials from the drone, in case they get calls from anyone. People are sooo paranoid about drones these days (yet oddly oblivious to the cameras that are literally everywhere). During an event like this where people will be there with their kids - you bet I called in my "flight plan". I'm almost curious as to how many calls they got that night. I must have had the drone in the air for a total of at least 25 minutes, scooting around the perimeter of the stadium.

It seems like my "uniform" for these flights is most often a sleeveless top and some variety of skirt - nice and comfy for working outside.

Now that I think about it, I've been getting a lot more of these requests lately. I think it might be because word is getting around that we can produce good-quality aerial photos of just about anything...and Cassie is the one to ask about it. It's one of those "wow" moments, realizing that this is "my" reputation that I've built. It's not "his".

Kind of blows my mind.