Birthday wishesThis past weekend was my mom and aunt's birthday (they're twins).
I wanted to do something nice for them both but had to kind of tiptoe around my mom's religious beliefs which forbid the celebration of many things but particularly birthdays. The idea came to me to just take them out for a nice dinner. It was a bit short notice but I decided I had to try at least.
I asked for advice on how to approach the whole thing with my mom and still be able to wish my aunt a happy birthday. Asking for advice for this is something I would likely have
never done in the "before time", even if I had remained in contact with my family back then. I got some good feedback from friends and one of my cousins on what to do. In fact, according to my cousin, "S" (my aunt's youngest daughter), my aunt hadn't really had any kind of birthday celebration for several years. I can understand that she and her sister really can't do much since they live more than a 12-hour drive away. Her eldest son, however, lives right nearby but can't be bothered to go out of his way for his mom. It's a familiar story, I know.
In trying to set up all of this, I felt like the switchboard operator, coordinating between everyone. That seems to be the story of my life lately, both at work and during my off hours. One of the texts from my mom pointed out that she doesn't celebrate birthdays and would be okay with bowing out of the dinner that night in favor of getting together at a later date. I assured her, "I understand and I respect that. This is strictly family getting together for dinner."
The original plan was for all of us to meet at my aunt's place and ride to dinner together. I thought I'd get there a little bit early and give my aunt some birthday wishes (and flowers and a card!). With my BFF, surprised but going along anyway, we hit the road...a little bit late. We stopped to pick up a card which made us a little more late. Diverting to get the flowers made us even later. I started to worry about what might happen with birthday...stuff going on in front of my mom. Eventually my confidence returned and I said, "Screw it, if she has an issue, I'll talk to her about it."
Everyone was already there when we arrived but there was absolutely no drama from my mom vis a vis the birthday wishes. Whew!
Dinner was tasty and the interactions between all of us were just like you would see in any family get-together. I was misgendered a couple of times but that's still to be expected for a while yet. It doesn't bother me like it used to and I gently corrected where appropriate. None of it was malicious. There was nothing but love at that table.
In fact, my mom mentioned that there was a certain waterfront restaurant that she'd like to go and have sundowners with me some time soon. What really sticks out in my mind is that she mentioned it at least three times. She really wants to do that! Squeee!
Me, mom, and Stephanie
I wanted so badly to set this up. After having been out of touch with any of these people for so many years, I hoped to make as good an impression as possible. We all seem to be getting along nicely but as with so many other things these days, there still exists a tiny kernel of doubt. I never felt the genuine affection toward my family that I do now. It's still kind of new and I can't help but wonder if this is actually what normal life is like for other people. Can I have this now? Really? It's not going to be snatched away or be pushed away by my reverting to old habits and behaviors?
I hope not. I really do. This is something that has been missing from my life for...well, pretty much
all of it. Who I was before hated himself and pretty much everything associated - including relatives, for the most part.
Transition has opened so many doors that I had thought were shut permanently. I understand that it will take work to keep those doors open but honestly, I'm willing to put in the effort and am not afraid to try. I had read an article a while back about a concept they called "emotional labor". If my understanding of the idea is correct, it's all the little things most commonly done by women - organizing birthday parties, sending out Christmas cards, remembering to wish friends a "Happy Anniversary", and the like. It's an idea that, in the "before times", was something I knew I should be doing but rarely if ever did.
I'm making an effort to turn that around, not to live up to some real or imagined stereotype of "what women should be doing". This is something
I want to do. This is something that makes
me happy as it makes others in my life happy. I genuinely care about the people closest to me, which is kind of a new feeling but I'm loving every minute of it.
This dinner date is just one of those moments and it looks like everyone had a good time. I feel so fortunate to have such a loving, accepting family though it makes me sad to think of other folks who aren't so lucky.
I can't help but wonder if I'll experience something like the "novelty wearing off" at some point or if this is just the beginning stages of regular life. I suspect, and earnestly hope, it's the latter!
