On Thursday my wife and I are going to visit my relatives (my parents, two older brothers, and my wife's sister). They live roughly a 1000 miles away and have no idea that I have transitioned. I plan to stay a week or so, depending on the reception we receive. My current plan depends on at least one relative for assistance. I will ask them to deliver this note to my parents and let us know the result.
Don't worry, I'm healthy. You know me to be a logical and thoughtful person who does not make rash decisions, so please keep an open mind. A year ago I had a difficult choice. It was difficult because it is something that most people have a hard time understanding -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. I was also afraid it may damage our relationship or cause you pain. Once I realized the torment this has been causing me has also been hurting the ones I love the most, the decision was clear. I told my wife in February 2017. Initially she struggled to understand, but we are seeing a therapist who has helped us work things out. We plan to stay together. We told our daughters the day after Christmas, both are accepting and supportive. We know you will have questions, and we want to help you understand. Please accept that there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change this situation.
You did your best to raise me, and you did an amazing job. You gave me a sense of loyalty, duty, and honor which serves me well. I tried to be a good son and fulfill your expectations. I did my best not to embarrass you or bring shame upon our family. I have discovered something about myself that has changed my life for the better. I apologize for any pain or embarrassment this may cause, and I hope you will still accept me. All I ask is that you don't hold this against my wife and daughters.
You may remember some of the embarrassing things I did in my early teens. Sometimes you chalked it up to curiosity or experimentation, other times I was punished or was told that what I had done was not acceptable. The information which could have explained my behavior then was simply not available. For most of my life I knew I was different, but it was a feeling I couldn't easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure kept me from expressing who I am. Suppressing my feelings and emotions led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal from the outside, there was darkness hiding just beneath the surface. There were times long ago which were so stressful the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of what would happen to my wife and daughters if I was gone. I am also saddened by the behavior that my family had to witness. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. You never saw this side of me, but my wife and daughters suffered through it for decades.
In December 2016 I found a site where people shared their life stories. I was fascinated because I saw myself in many of them -- the curiosity and experimentation, the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I read the journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself. I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me. I have discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they both agree -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone I hold most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice knowing what could be lost. I began therapy in March 2017. Since then my cloud of darkness has vanished, along with my constant anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. I will hide no more. I have already said 'goodbye' to my former self, and 'hello' to a world where I am living openly as the woman I have always been. I spent over forty years of my life hiding the most beautiful part of myself because I was afraid of rejection, but now I have released my soul from the darkness and allowed her into the light, and she will never go into hiding again.
I hope you can find it in your heart to welcome me home. I am your daughter, Jessica Rose.
