Pleased to meet Everybody! :-)

[heather3791]

Hello everyone! I am so glad to have found this wonderful website. It is full of incredible personal stories and a wealth of helpful information and resources.

My name is Heather and I identify under the transgender umbrella. I am in my mid 40's and MTF. I started cross dressing when I was just 5-years old and have been going strong ever since. Since the late 80's I labeled myself as a cross dresser. I was ashamed of it and tried to suppress it and resist it as much as I could. But in the words of the Borg from Star Trek, "resistance is futile." Part of my strategy to suppress my female side was to act as masculine and macho as I could. I am naturally athletic and excelled at many sports. Being good at sports gained me much admiration from my friends and peers. This gave me a sense of pride and helped tremendously with my confidence. But more importantly at the time it gave me a bit of relief and made me feel as though my deep inner secret was safe and protected. I felt like being really good at sports shielded me from anyone thinking I was feminine in any way.

Despite my best efforts I always felt compelled to cross dress and also had deep feelings at times of being a girl. Some days it was mild and others it was more intense. I rarely felt 100% male. More like a mix of both male and female. Fast forward through my 20's and 30's... the cross dressing got more intense and more frequent. And I experienced much more dysphoria. Most days I would feel like 70% male and 30% female. But there would be lots of fluctuations at random times. Some days I felt way more male or female. Some days I felt an even mix. And some days (very rarely) I felt like neither gender. The measurement of days is how things went for me most of the time. However things could change for me in just a matter of hours sometimes.

I was in a few long term relationships with women and managed to control things the best I could. (Important to note was that during all of these relationships I had constant fantasies of being a girl with a guy. In fact, although I enjoyed sex with women I got much more enjoyment from satisfying myself to my fantasies.) Now I am married to a woman and we have two small children. All of whom I love very much. It wasn't until about 8 years ago that I finally came to terms that I was more than just a cross dresser. I was transgender.

About 4 years ago I started meeting with a therapist to help better figure out and understand myself. After several sessions we determined that I was bi-gender with some gender fluid overlap. This all made sense at the time and for the many years proceeding.

But since then things have further intensified for me and I'm going through some major dysphoria right now. Last spring the intensity hit a major peek and something just happened with me. It was like Heather finally said let me the hell out of this prison. I know this is weird (promise I don't routinely hear voices in my head!) but I sware I could actually hear her telling me she wanted out! (And maybe last spring when all this happened it was some kind of personal mid-life gender paradigm shift...a sort of equinox of my bi-gender identity changing or possibly even lining up correctly for me.) Hell, I don't know...but for whatever reason it just happened..and I'm surprisingly comfortable with it at times. Around that same time I actually got really self conscious about my body and went on a hardcore exercise regimen. (I've lost 50 pounds since then) I wanted to go from a size 14/16 dress to a size 8. (I'm currently in a 10 and don't plan on slowing down now.) I also came out to some close family members, which is something I never thought I'd do. But here's something that happened that really got me thinking. All of my life I've admired the clothes that women wore but never was that much into shoes for some reason. All of a sudden I was noticing shoes and wanting more and more of them. I must of bought 20 pairs of shoes since last spring. There was one other thing that I noticed started happening with me that for me personally is significant. I found that In addition to being attracted to women's bodies and curves (like I've always been) I became envious and jealous of their bodies as well. I often watch the weather ladies on television and find myself mesmerized. I admire all of their cute dresses and outfits as I always have. But I also get so jealous of their beautiful hour glass curves, their smooth soft skin and beautiful hair. I more than ever want those wonderful features myself and that's how I feel right now. So all of this is perplexing to me because it's like after 40-something years all of this happened as if someone simply flipped a switch. I mean it was almost instantaneous.

This all brings me to where I'm currently at. My female feelings and desires are stronger than ever and I now feel most days more female than male. (Total opposite percentages of the years proceeding.) I've thought about HRT many times these past several months. (And OMG how nice would It be to have smooth soft skin, long hair, nice hips and a soft rounded feminine sexy butt:-) I've even had thoughts about SRS. Again, I love my wife and kids very much though and I find that when I get too lost in all of these new desires that I have to pull the reins and get back to reality. My sex life with my wife is almost non existent however. I blame some of it on getting older, work stress, and some of it on ED problems, but truth be told all I ever think about is being a woman with a man. (I occasionally watch straight porn and I'm always the woman.) My biggest fear is not living up to my wife and kid's expectations of being the normal husband and father they've come to expect.

I am in a real pickle right now. I guess I want my cake and eat it too. I want to be a girl and I want my family. But now I wonder if I'm too late to the party to make any major changes. My life is so locked and pinned down with being male with my family, my friends, and my work. And speaking of work..my job almost demands I be a macho masculine manly man. I'm surrounded by a bunch of rough locker room talking redneck dudes!

Anyway that's my crazy story. I have lots of questions. I'm hopeful and confident that I can get lots of answers and guidance here on this great site. Thanks for your support and for taking your time to read this long introduction. I very much look forward to meeting you all!

Hugs,

Heather

[V M]

Hi Heather 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[Jessica]

Hi Heather 🙋‍♀️ I'm Jessica.  You are in the same pickle many here have been in.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.  I'm assuming your wife is one of your family members you came out to. What has she said?  It can take some processing for her to understand it all.

Hugs, Jess

[Laurie K]

Hi Heather,
               Just a quick note, welcome to Susan's. If my relationship of 30 years did not hit the skids I would still be a guy. Knowing I was A female since 5  I realized that my time was now. I needed to do it for me.  One thing that is a plus is I am from Canada, we are just too nice to take offense to anything. And we have laws that curb hate and discrimination.  I had to overcome a lot of fear to get this far. out full time at work with a bunch of redneck men.  It has been work, but it has been rewarding.  Find a gender therapist to get you on the path you can live with. It's not for everyone but it might be for you.... it is for me. hope this helps

[Laurie]

Hi Heather,

  I'm Laurie I was a life long cross dresser, but unlike most cross dressers (who are part of our community also) I always wished I was a girl and later a woman. There was always something missing. That something I was missing was that I was a woman and I did not know it. I discovered this at the age of 64 a bit more than a year ago. I was taking HRT a month later. For me it was a wish I had all my life. I was so envious of my 5 sisters. I played with them and other girls. I learned homemaking skills along with them. I washed laundry, ironed clothes, cooked and did dishes, learned to sew a little, crochet and knit a bit. But I couldn't be a girl. I was a boy and I knew it. I knew it was wrong to wear girl's clothes and later do things girls did all but cooking almost I had to stop because I was a boy. I started cross dressing and again knew it was wrong and learned to hate myself for it and be ashamed of my desires. It kinda messed me up, it still does. But now I know I should have been a girl and I miss not having all those girls things I could not do. I am now living as a woman full time.  It has had a heavy price for me but my therapist and I are working on it.
  I hope you are able to find what works for you and your family.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shambles]

Hi ) there are a few of us on here in our 30s or 40s married with kids so please dont think your alone.

I hope you can work out a base case way forward. Im not going to call it a good way foward as it can be hard.

Your in a good place here please stick around ))

Jo x

[heather3791]

Thanks to all of you for the warm welcome! I am excited to part of your family. To answer your question Jessica about coming out to my wife. We've been married almost 10 years. When we first started dating I told her a couple months in I was a cross dresser. She was accepting of it but had some request. She didn't want to see it that often and when she did she only wanted to see me in clothes. She had no interest in seeing me in my full getup. That meant no wigs and no makeup. A couple years in we had our first child. My dressing then took an abrupt halt. When I brought up wanting to dress she seemed bothered by it and made me feel somewhat embarrassed or ashamed. I basically swept things under the rug and started keeping things suppressed and to myself. Four years ago when I first started seeing my therapist I did tell her I was transgender but she sort of brushed it off and considered it the same as cross dressing. I didn't tell her specifically what my therapist and I had determined with me being bi-gender. So things pretty much went on the same since then. So things now are pretty much the same with her as they've always been. To her I am just a cross dresser. With all this said I really need to have a major talk with her at some point. Ultimately I need to really come out to her fully. I am trying to figure how and when to do this...and I'm terrified to tell you the truth. I can only hope and pray she's accepting of things and things don't go to total crap. I hope being here with you all helps me to build up some steam with my courage. So obviously I have some major work to do! Thanks again everyone!

Heather

[tgirlamg]

Welcome aboard Heather!!!

There are many common threads in all our stories... we can certainly appreciate where you find yourself and the possiblities that your thoughts are entertaining...Too late?... Never!!!... I didn't start the transition ball rolling until age 52... I went from a lifetime of relationships with women to being married to a wonderful man... I went from a very male job as a bomb technician to being a housewife and public speaker on my transgender journey... in the end... our lives are what we make them to be....

All good things to you as you explore the possibilities in life!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[Katie Jade]

Hi Heather
I'm 55 (like the avatar which was me 2 days ago... with FaceApp? 40s are nothing..) and last year took the plunge, my story is similar to yours, but married 25 years with 2 late teenage sons. They all accept what I have to do, and that it is a necessity that I have come to terms with and accept as part of my life. It sounds like that if you don't do something about it then you may end up going down the depression and anxiety route eventually and end up a silly girl like me. I still have my family but they live very close to me not with me, and I see them on a daily basis and we are good friends. Hard as it may sound, you must be the priority sometime, otherwise you would never be able to be truly happy and be able to support them as all parents and spouses do. If you get rejected  then hopefully they may come around and recognise and respect you in a while, never give up on that.
It is a journey that we only have a partial map for, a bit like an explorer of our own destiny (Density in my case aka Back to the future 2 or 3  or something).
However here at Susan's we will help where we can, offer supporting words and insights into our experiences and how we did or did not cope.

You are not alone.

It is unlikely that no one here has experienced what challenges you have ahead of you, so just ask, we, above all others, do not judge anyone on the site who needs help.
Love and Hugz
Katie

Incidentally, one of my goals is for my grandchildren when they come to only ever have known me as me, Katie. So looking forwards to that. x

[DawnOday]

Hello everyone! I am so glad to have found this wonderful website.



Just wait a couple weeks and you'll see differently. Bwahahaha    If not for these fine people I don't know what I would be doing right now. I was in the midst of a breakdown when I first came here. Now I have been on HRT for about a year and a half. Your story is so similar to so many of us here. I knew in kindergarten I was different and only played with the girls. They were more fun. By seven I was asking my Mom to dress me up. By 18 I was dressing up at every opportunity. But I had boy parts and I got married to a wonderful girl. We were together for about seven years. She said I was neglecting her, but what I was really doing was going to hotel rooms to dress. The week before my Mom died I took the bus to Visalia for a visit. I checked into a hotel there. Lo and behold my Mom showed up and I was all dressed up. I would not open the door for her. She was killed the next week by a drunk driver. The thing is as a kid she was always talking about walking in front of a car and ending it all. I started going to counseling shortly thereafter but instead of revealing myself to the therapist, I claimed to be stressed. At least seven times, I went over thirty years, but could not reveal my "secret"  Until a year and a half ago. I was 64. I have learned so much from everybody here and realized I was not a pervert and I was not alone. My self esteem is as high as it has ever been. I am gaining confidence with every venture into public. It's so scary because it's been so secret. But when I look in the mirror and see breasts, and hips and cheekbones and long hair, I know I've finally made the right decision. Am I a woman? No  Am I pervert? No. I have since found out the reason for the lifelong confusion and I am good with it. Would I like to be a woman. It has always been my dream and prayer. Unfortunately age and health are keeping me away from completing the job with surgery which I would have done in a heartbeat in my 20's. But at the time we were all transvestites. The term transgender had not even been mainstream. Thanks to the internet and Susans. I know who I am today, I just wish I would have started sooner.

[Roll]

Everyone seems to be in novel posting mode for their replies and they already covered pretty much everything, so you'll have to excuse me if I just offer a simple Hi!

I hope you get as much out of Susans as I have!

[heather3791]

Thanks again everybody! I'm feeling better already!