June 26th - Vacation UpdateAs some may have noticed, I have been [retty absent in the past two weeks. We have been on a family vacation to see both of our families back in Germany. This is a trip we try to do every two years. None of them had met Sarah in person, but they all knew about my transition.
This trip had quite a bit of importance to us as well. Seeing how I get treated and accepted, primarily by her family, would be a big factor in how my wife felt about my transition. Same about how I acted in public and what reactions we would get.
For me, it was a very strange vacation and trip. Most likely also because it did start out with a pretty bad car accident in Germany and me being in shock for half the time. No one was hurt, but I still struggle with this. The car is pretty damaged tough.
We started out in Berlin with a really lovely garden party organized by my in-laws. Oddly enough, this is one of the rare occasions where the entire family comes together, we are somewhat a catalyst for them. Everything went well, no one really said anything. Creepy uncle kept his hands to himself and people shielded me from him. His wife asked about preferred name and pronouns (she was the only one and I thought this was really very nice. We had a lot of fun and everyone welcomed me the same way they always had.
Over the next few days, we met with some of them in smaller settings, did a bit of shopping, dealing with the fall out from the earlier accident and just did a bit of low key things. Kiddo never arrived in the German time zone, so she was jumping around till 2:00 AM every night, so we got a lot of slow starts in the day. My transition was never any topic for discussion. Unfortunately, they also all used my old name. I had offered it to them to make it easier but I want to be fair it was harder than I thought.
I also got a chance to meet up with an old co-worker and finally had a chance to be all Sarah again. Somehow with my wife around, I always hold back a little bit to give her more time. Berlin has absolutely fabulous public transportation and for years living there, I did not even own a car and even when I rarely drove. This time I did feel a bit uncomfortable. Not sure how people would react but no one noticed. I had a lovely conversation with an older lady on the bus and a dad told his lively kids to sit still "next to a lady" (me).
We wrapped Berlin up with a nice dinner at my in-laws and then traveled to Bonn for my parent's golden wedding anniversary. Finally, an occasion to dress up!! My family has been pretty good about my new name and was fully accepting. Hotel was way fancier than my usual accommodations and we did enjoy the luxury. It used to be the former guest house of the German Government high above the Rhine River.
The party itself was nice, kiddo got to meet all her nieces and nephews, food was great and there were plenty of occasions to talk. Again, my transition was never really a topic but I felt well accepted as "Big Sister" to my brothers and my sister.
I had already shared some of the "dressed all fancy" picture... for good measure, here is one more (never really noticed how much of a see-through dress it is when teh light is coming from the back)
Next day we all got together for a museum tour and the three of us rounded off the weekend with some alone time with my parents.
The trip back home was a usual trip with a kiddo on an airplane. Tons of hand luggage to lug around. Due to cost reasons, we had decided on a vacation airline and of course, they just do not have their act together compared to all the larger airlines. Two hours delay each way, no communication why and how long. But overall uneventful (besides the body scanner story I had posted yesterday).
I have one more day to catch up and decompress before heading back to work and I am planning to make the best of it.
As usual, the 10 days were over way too fast and I am still left with the feeling that there was never enough time for some real deep conversations.
I had hoped the vacation would give my wife and I some time to talk about us and how we continue our relationship. Due to my shock from the accident, I really did not feel like talking about anything, so, unfortunately, I have missed a good opportunity. I know my wife is struggling and we did touch on one small subject. I also know she downgraded the state of our relationship to "just friends" from "best friends" previously. This hurt a lot I have to admit. I do know it is my own doing and fault for causing her so much pain, so I better accept it.
It was a very strange thing: A friend of ours had posted a picture on Facebook of us three from a few weeks ago and I was wearing a dress. She mentioned that we are all tagged and I told her I'll talk to my friend since I am not fully out on Facebook to protect her. She suggested to allow it on my timeline but to limit visibility. I tried my best but of course: way too many people saw it, including some she did not want to tell. One of her other friends had seen a picture she had actually posted a while ago (the carousel picture) and figured it out that way.
I am not sure how she feels about all this, we have been rushing around so much that we had little time to talk about it.
On the brighter side: Everyone was accepting, even the few who did not get told until we met them. I hope this does help her, but I don't know what her family said behind my back.
I did come back very different than on previous vacations and I am not sure in what state I am. Right now I have a long laundry list of things to do and to keep my mind of things. I guess the next few days will show. Certainly not the place I wanted to be in.
So much for an update.
Hugs,
Sarah
