Confused on an already confusing topic, slight intoduction, and many questions.

[Lilium]

Alright, I forsee this being a long and enduring one. So, grab some popcorn, a nice tall glass of soya milk, and maybe a blanket depending on where you are right now.

I will start with a small introduction. I am 18 years old as of now, soon to be 19. I am a student in the ecology field, love it, I plan on writing a doctorate, in a few years, like, 7 years still to go. I was born and raised in Hamilton Ontario, as of now I reside in Lindsay Ontario. I am attending Sir Sanford Fleming. I am confused. I read a thread about the gender spectrum, and where you lie. You know you are confused when you dont know where you are, but you know where you want to go. And I am a vegan.

I am going to right this with as little outside interference to minamize influence that is not mine, so you can see the situation I am in, and how I feel, in hopes that maybe this forum can lend some guidance. So if I bounce around, I sincerely apologize, I am writing what I feel and think.

There are few times when I am, content with being a male, one time that I can count on, peeing standing up. Besides then, and a few other times, I am not happy being a male. There are sometimes, not the majority but a large minority, even when I am digusted with my sex, not to insult, or bring down anyone of the male sex, or anyone who asociates themself with the male sex. I am not here to insult anyone. Anyone. I am not happy, satisified, being male.

I am not a hateful person, acually I refuse to hate. But when it comes to viewing the opposite sex, I am jealous. I see a female, enjoying and embracing her feminitiy, and I am jealous. I wish I could be in her shoes, so to speak. I am jealous, I envy, the situation females are in. This paragraph, is very bouncing, you can see my confusion, and disorganization of which my thoughts are in. I want to be able to do the same things. And I dont want to wait for my bravery to catch up, and when I am 50-something start this process. I want to be happy with who I am.

Although my excursions as the opposite sex have been limited. I have throughly enjoyed them. I could count the amount of times I have cross dressed as a female on my digits, all of them with the exception of once, I enjoyed. This does not mean that I would enjoy a life, opposed to an excursion, as a female, but, I can only find that out by acually doing it.

In my current situation I cannot cross dress. Strickly not possible. I have no currency of which I can invest into female clothes, anything at this moment. And I live in a very... how to word this, homophobic town, and I will continue to live here for the next 2 1/2 years. So with no money, and a poor community in which to cross dress, my first question appears; how do I cultivate, or encourage, this side of me that I enjoy? How can I make lasting progress?

I notice that some transsexual woman start at a very young age, and some reports suggest the younger, or less hormones you currently have in your system less 'damage' - horridly political incorrect word, but hey- they can do. I want to get started on the track of being happy with myself. I dont want to be satisifed with a new sex, I want to be fullfilled, bursting with happiness, and not to sound shallow, but the more feminne my appearance, lifestyle, and actions,the chances that I would be happier increase. Another string of questions has now shown itself. To maxamize my sucess, - in my eyes - to increase chances of being happy, the sooner the better? Should I consult, -I hate to use the word- professionals? Where should I start?

As I stated before, I want to be feminne, I want to be attractive. I think almost everyone here can agree to this. I am not shallow, I do not want to be shallow. But, I do want to be a young-mid 20 woman  in a skirt that can turn heads. Am I, shallow for wanting to be beautiful, am I shallow if I would only do this if I could be beautiful? Confused is one the the many things that I am.

I know it is wrong of me to ask these question to you. You are complete strangers, you have no benefit in my happiness in life, you can just as easily ignore this thread and continue amogsnt your happy lives. But I ask as a confused person for guidance.

After two edits, I am unhappy with this, few things I wish to explain.

I have formuated this 'logical' plan within my head, which I think is absolutly ridiculous, but it is logical. I keep telling myself, that I should postpone any progress until I move to British Columbia in two and half years, where I will be writing my HBA, MBA, and PhD -yea... I plan on, but thats a lot of school. Moving across the country would be the freshest start I could ask for. I could land and get off the plane as a female, and start a whole new life. But why I continuely doubt and trash this plan. I am unstatisifed now. I am disgusted now. I want to be happy now. I know that last statement is the most unlogical one. I know I won't wake up tommorow a female -despite wishing for such a thing every night. I want to get start now. Which brings up the last barrage of questions. Should I be logical at wait? Should I start with baby steps now and start living full time as a female in BC? Or should I scre logical and procced how it is deemd approiate? How should I start is the most reoccuring question. It is the question that burns in my mind. How, and when, have been sizziled into my thoughts. I want to be happy.

Sincerely, Lillium, the confused

[Dennis]

Welcome, fellow canuck

As someone who was born female, and transitioned to male, I can attest to the effects of testosterone on your body, yes they are irreversible.

I would suggest that your first step should be therapy. Talk to someone in your area if possible, or within a reasonable commute if possible (sorry, I'm from BC and don't know Ontario geography). Explore your feelings and whether they do mean transition or some other compromise.

Don't rush into things or make an irrevocable decision, but don't deny yourself either. I wish I had done this earlier (started at 42), but I'm also grateful that I didn't deny myself to the point that I got married to a guy and had kids (I'm a straight guy now, so that would have been SO not good) and had a life to disentangle myself from when I did need to transition.

A therapist can help you sort this stuff out. Seems like you have an open mind about it now, so exploring those ideas without a goal in mind could help you decide.

Dennis

[Kimberly]

To be confused is the first inklings of revelation.

Usually the best place to start is a gender aware therapist.

In my opinion the younger the better is almost always the correct answer IF (and this is a big if) you 100% know who you are. However, it is not strictly necessary. People can and have gone all the way being old and grey.

A caution for you, be careful of relationships. Figure out who and what YOU are first... this may help eliminate numerous difficulties later on.

Oh, and vanity is not the definition of shallow However, take great caution if you just desire to look feminine... there are some paths (such as the M2F path) that will lead to great unhappiness.)

P.s. my apologies for the short and somewhat incoherent post, it is late and my cohesion is failing.

[Sara]

Lilium, There is a saying "Just Do It". If this is really what you want and more often than not you are feeling these urges then it's probably a good thing to see a therapist now. Sometimes what happens is after being on anti androgens without estrogens this can give you a fair idea of what to expect and sometimes it can also make you realize that you are very happy being a male with all of the bits that goes with it, cause many do not realize that after a while your sexual function becomes less than one expects and this could be a problem if you had planned to keep roger rising. For others like me it is a blessing.

There are also others things to consider  but a good therapist can go through all of these with you.

If you have already chosen the path then walk along it with your head held high!

Sara.

(helps if you get the name right)

[beth]

Hello Lilium,

              Dennis is absolutely right, making an appointment with a therapist is the best first step. Along with that I would suggest trying to express your real self more in ways that do not include dress and appearance. If you have developed that male "shell" that many women born with male bodies have, try to slowly shed some of it. Letting yourself be a bit teary eyed at a movie is just as feminine as wearing a dress to see one. Soften your voice a little bit. In general just try to be yourself as much as possible under the circumstances you are in.  I firmly believe that most of the disphoria comes from acting in ways untrue to yourself rather than the way you appear. Appearance is important when you are ready to come out to everyone but in the mean time you can prepare in many other ways. I wish you well.


beth

[HelenW]

Welcome to Susan's, Lilium. 

When I was younger, I was very confused also and I denied my feelings and waited for my first half century to pass before I really did anything, except cross dress in secret (feeling very guilty and dirty).  So, you're a step ahead.  Feeling wrong was also a common emotion for me and I know now that who I am can never be "wrong."

Cross dressing proved to be some relief to me though and I think you could start on a very limited budget.  When I attended my universtity I barely had two nickels to rub together so I know what you mean.  But, a pair of undies is not too expensive.  Save your pocket change in a jar and see how much you have at month's end - it may be more than you think and you can reward yourself for your thrift by getting a bra from the clearance rack of your local @#@%$#-mart.  And don't feel guilty buying that stuff either.  The clerk really doesn't care and it's none of their business anyway, is it?  You don't need to spend a fortune if you're willing to be patient.  Go slow, a piece at a time and you'll have a collection before you know it.

I don't know anything about your school but I do know that the colleges and universities in the US often support GLBT clubs or support groups.  Investigate what your school may have to offer in that regard.  The school may also offer an opportunity to get some counseling.  Even if your counselor is not particularly experienced in gender issues, he or she could undoubtedly help ease your pain.

And, if nothing else, you're in a safe environment when you come to Susan's so you can express yourself very freely here.  Look through the site, not just the forums but the links and the library and the WIKI.  Of course you should read the site rules.  I'm certain what you learn will ease your confusion.  Most of us have had identical emotions to what you're feeling and we do understand.  I'll look forward to hearing more from you in the future and would like, again, to say

WELCOME!

helen

[Lilium]

Excessivly sorry for the delay. Its midterm season and I time is flying move way to fast. I have found the humanine limit to amount of courses in one semester, and it is nine.

I would like to thank everyone that replied, it seems to be general consciences that a therapist is needed. On that topic, a heard the term gender therapist. Now I live in an awfuly small town, I would be suprised if any therapists work here, nevermind a gender therapist. Does it have to be gender specific, or is it disgustingly highly recommaned, because if not, I will be s/he's genuie pig on the topic of gender.

I would again like to thank everyone for the support, all of a sudden it seems more fesiable. Now I gotta figure out where, and how I can get a gender therapist... On a students budget.

[Kimberly]

...
Now I gotta figure out where, and how I can get a gender therapist... On a students budget.

Perhaps this thread is of value. That is who I speak with and am quite happy, for what that is worth

[stephanie_craxford]

Now I gotta figure out where, and how I can get a gender therapist... On a students budget.

One place to to start would be to see your doctor and get a referal.  That way it will be covered under OHIP.  Finding a therapist who is familliar TG issues locally may be a problem though, you may have to start with a therapist who is not.  I'm just north west of Kingston Ontario, and encountered a similar problem, and it took a couple of tries to find one.  If that doesn't work then you can always try the Clark Institute in Toronto, but then you have to overcome travel and the related expenses.  However, the Clark maybe able to steer you in the right direction.  Their web site can be found here:

http://www.camh.net/

Hope this helps a little.

Steph

[Northern Jane]

the Clark maybe able to steer you in the right direction.

They must have changed ?? !!

Did they give up "Aversion Therapy" and electro-shock?  They used to be the most ignorant TS-unfriendly place in Canada!

[Hazumu]

They must have changed ?? !!

Did they give up "Aversion Therapy" and electro-shock?  They used to be the most ignorant TS-unfriendly place in Canada!

GOOGLEing "Jurassic Clarke" brings up some interesting links... 

<SARCASM>
SO-O-O, That's it!  I'm autogynophelic...
</SARCASM>

Seriously, have they changed?

Haz

[stephanie_craxford]

They must have changed ?? !!

Did they give up "Aversion Therapy" and electro-shock?  They used to be the most ignorant TS-unfriendly place in Canada!

Hello all,

Apparently they have changed a little, although I'm not sure how much   they may still use electro   A couple of TS I'm acquainted with have had positive experiences at the Clark while I do know that there are others who have not.  I guess to a large degree, that it depends on the individual .

Steph