Need advice and experience with describing dysphoria

[JessicaHF]

For me, what I recognize as dysphoria, seems to be a frustration that builds through the day and culminates in an angry unlikable person in the evening.  I've come home too many nights, angry that this is how I am, to not do something..Before this surfaced I was usually a cheery person.

Thank you for the reply Sara.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I am so incredibly angry that I can't be who I need to be. I can't be myself! I've tried several times in several different ways to get rid of the feminine part of me, but nothing works!

I know the only person holding me back from being my real self is me. My wife isn't interested in being married to a woman and I love her very much and I don't want to force her out of the relationship, so I have to stay a man.

I know that eventually (probably very soon) my anger will end up destroying my life anyway, but what else am I supposed to do.

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[KathyLauren]

I know the only person holding me back from being my real self is me. My wife isn't interested in being married to a woman and I love her very much and I don't want to force her out of the relationship, so I have to stay a man.

I know that eventually (probably very soon) my anger will end up destroying my life anyway, but what else am I supposed to do.

The important thing is that no one is supposing you to do anything.  This is all about choices.

For those of us who wrestle with dysphoria, the choice is to try to make our relationships work as dysphoric angry people trying to be who we are not, or to transition and risk the relationship.  A question you have to ask is whether being an angry husband is more wholesome for your relationship than transitioning.  In other words, what is the risk to the relationship of not transitioning?

Your wife has choices in this too.  She may choose to leave if you transition.  (Or she may not.)  She may choose to leave if you remain an angry man.  (Or she may not.) 

While it is considerate to consider this from her point of view, you have to look at all her options.  And you have to consider it from your own point of view too.

I am not going to tell you what is the right answer.  Only you and your wife can determine that.  All I am suggesting is to try to keep all the options in view.

[JessicaHF]

The important thing is that no one is supposing you to do anything.  This is all about choices.

For those of us who wrestle with dysphoria, the choice is to try to make our relationships work as dysphoric angry people trying to be who we are not, or to transition and risk the relationship.  A question you have to ask is whether being an angry husband is more wholesome for your relationship than transitioning.  In other words, what is the risk to the relationship of not transitioning?

Your wife has choices in this too.  She may choose to leave if you transition.  (Or she may not.)  She may choose to leave if you remain an angry man.  (Or she may not.) 

While it is considerate to consider this from her point of view, you have to look at all her options.  And you have to consider it from your own point of view too.

I am not going to tell you what is the right answer.  Only you and your wife can determine that.  All I am suggesting is to try to keep all the options in view.

Thank you Kathy

All of those options are constantly in my view and many more. So much so I can't think of anything else. I'm constantly tormented by all of them.

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[Deborah]

Before HRT I was constantly angry at my wife and deliberately picked fights with her.  I'm not sure why I picked the fights but maybe it was just to make someone else as miserable as I was.  We fought daily.  My thoughts were so screwed up that I even was wishing she would just die and on one occasion yelled at her to just go get a divorce.  It was maybe not all my fault but I have to take credit for about 95 percent of the dissension in my house.  We had a marriage but it was a horribly bad relationship for both of us.

Doing something about the dysphoria, in my case HRT, fixed all that.  The anger went away and with it the daily fights.  In fact, we have only had minor disagreements now for the past three years.  We get along very well and we are both happier.

Sometimes doing nothing isn't the best thing for either side in a marriage.


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[SaraDanielle]

Thank you for the reply Sara.

That is exactly how I feel right now. I am so incredibly angry that I can't be who I need to be. I can't be myself! I've tried several times in several different ways to get rid of the feminine part of me, but nothing works!

I know the only person holding me back from being my real self is me. My wife isn't interested in being married to a woman and I love her very much and I don't want to force her out of the relationship, so I have to stay a man.

I know that eventually (probably very soon) my anger will end up destroying my life anyway, but what else am I supposed to do.

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Hey Jessica,

I'm very invested in staying married, sounds like you are too.  I hated,hated being single.   

This is how I am approaching it right now.  It took me 6+ years to get from 'Well that's interesting' to 'Holy crap, I'm a transsexual'.  So I feel I owe her just as much time to get used to it.  My wife, while also having no interest in being married to a woman, so far is very understanding. 

So my plan is to try HRT, to help with the emotions. We've also recognized the signals when I'm having one of those days, and she'll tell me just go do my thing and relax....

I'm also trying NOT to see it so much binary, it's a process for me.  My wife last night, said- well your still my mate....That was lovely.

Hope you find some peace,

Sara