Did you ever confuse being trans with sexual attraction?

[PurpleWolf]

PurpleWolf is on a roll again 

Another question:
Did you confuse being trans with being just attracted to men/women?

At least many mtfs have described thinking they just had a weird fetish towards women or being one (or trans women in particular), and ofc dressing up etc. Don't know how this plays to ftms though!

For example from a mtf point of view: Did you admire beautiful women and consciously acknowledge you'd like to be them? Or were you ever confused by that feeling if you were actually attracted to women as well?

Did you ever feel it was hard to make a distinction between people you were sexually attracted to and people you'd actually like to be like yourself?

How did you realize you actually want to be them yourself?

Haha, hope I was clear enough!

---
As embarrassing as this is to admit (but embarrassing stories make the best stories always right  ), yes I've thought of something like that actually...!

I am very attracted to women that I know. And almost zero attracted to men. Being attracted to women I admire women & women's clothes & underwear etc. etc. etc. Legs and hair and boobs and hips and their bodies and stuff.

So... though knowing I'm a guy (and constantly feeling I'm one) I do know I have a female body (unfortunately) so in some weird way I've thought that if I only wanted to look like that myself, I could. And not being able to transition has made me desperate and almost accepting my fate of not being able to ever. So I've thought at times, 'should I just try and be a woman instead then'!!! Ofc this isn't exactly the same as what I asked... But at least being attracted to women has confused me a bit sometimes. Like what if I wanna be a guy just bcos I think I wouldn't make a hot-looking woman or something stupid like that  ! Though in reality I know I never had zero desire of becoming a hot-looking woman.

And ofc I hate being thought of as a woman in any shape or form. And I also hate any feminine attributes in my appearance. Still I've thought of this - mainly I think bcos thought I'd never be able to start T and actually look like a guy, and was just so damn fed up with being some untransitioned in-between monster. Like if I can't be a guy - I could try and be a nice-looking woman instead xD! After all I think women in women's clothes and high heels look cool.

Yeah, this is embarrassing... ! Totally.

On the other hand I've thought about even crazier things such as 'what if I wanna be a guy bcos guys don't find me attractive enough as a woman' xDDD. Or something like that. Which also is totally nuts considering I'm not attracted to men at ALL! Plus I've lived as a dude since the age of 13... And again - I so much HATE being thought of as a girl. Especially if some guy has ever tried flirting with me etc. That I especially hate!!! Though not being gay I'd much rather have some gay guy flirting with me - at least that'd mean he'd think I'm attractive as a guy right! That sounds flattering.

I guess all this is bcos I've been desperately trying to figure out any other explanation for feeling this way other than being trans. Plus internalized transphobia. Plus having no support. Plus not having transitioned & fed up with life bcos of it. Like 'if I'm unable to transition ever, might as well do my best with this existence I'm confined in!' Plus I'm sick of not being able to go swimming and wear swimming suit (mean trunks). So thought, 'would I mentally be able to pull it off and start presenting as a woman?' Ofc all that was in a desperate moment, never on a concrete level. Ofc I'd never do that. But I'd just like to be able to do normal stuff like go to a spa or swimming hall and to a gym etc. etc. etc. Like not being able to cope with this 'can't do anything at all bcos of trans thing' thing anymore :/.

And even thought desperate things like that increasingly last year. The real answer to everything is ofc just transitioning... like I knew all along!

[BT04]

Another good one!

Being gay definitely set me back in my introspection. I think if I was into women, things would have clicked a lot sooner as I started trying to navigate the dating world.

My attraction to men was a big point of self-contention; I knew I liked men and masculinity, so the odds of my being a straight woman were pretty high. Also, the easiest way I knew how to get men's attention was by going through the motions of flirting as a straight woman. It was the only advice I had to go by, the only resources I knew how to look up - everything I read was "so you're a girl that likes boys..." not "so you might be a boy that likes boys..."

My version of being straight felt subversive, kinky, and well, not altogether that straight and I could never explain why. Could never explain why I felt this need to BE the thing I was attracted to. Honestly, I thought it was some kind of autoandrophilia (an idea I came up with independently on my own, before I knew anything about trans issues). Or I thought that maybe my attraction to masculine looks and body types was so complete that I didn't know how to express attractive femininity, and only knew how to mimic what I liked in others, to the detriment of actually being attractive to men. Needless to say, I felt like such a fish out of water that I didn't have my first kiss until I was 20.

To be honest I probably would have realized I was trans as a teenager when all these thoughts were happening rather than when I was in my late 20's if I'd been a straight trans guy LOL.

[Jailyn]

WOLF!!!! Good question!!!!
Did you confuse being trans with being just attracted to men/women?
No, I didn't confuse if per say
For example from a mtf point of view: Did you admire beautiful women and consciously acknowledge you'd like to be them? Or were you ever confused by that feeling if you were actually attracted to women as well?
I did acknowledge that I would like to be like them or even them. I always shrugged off this feeling as not thinking right. I was confused why I was attracted to them when I wanted to look like them and be like them.
Did you ever feel it was hard to make a distinction between people you were sexually attracted to and people you'd actually like to be like yourself?
Not really
How did you realize you actually want to be them yourself?
I came to the realization after much debate internally and conflict and then researching what it meant to be transgender. It was a hurdle for me to accept it because of my past experiences like in school and getting made fun of for being more girly. So all those old feelings came flooding back and made it hard.

[PurpleWolf]

Great answers both of you!!!

everything I read was "so you're a girl that likes boys..." not "so you might be a boy that likes boys..."

Haha, obviously!
As a kid (before transitioning) I was very good at 'acting female' while flirting & interacting with boys. But it always felt like acting, like I was putting on a show. Inside I felt empty and phony and knew my feeling weren't real. Still to this day I can't be sure if I really had crushes on boys - or not! I just always knew that 'I was more like them ie. like that boy' myself. That was a sucky feeling... I was convinced I was attracted to... or maybe more like I had a real crush on them at the time though... Still not sure if I was really 'attracted to boys' ever really. Forgot to mention that as a kid I enjoyed so much being with boys in general I really did confuse that with a crush!!! I always thought I 'liked' the boys I played with - though in reality I liked to be around them and enjoyed the gender euphoria of being with them and playing with them as one of them. So I actually did confuse that euphoric feeling with attraction as a kid for sure! And similarly to you all I knew as a kid was that 'girls liked boys' & 'boys liked girls' so I thought that is what it was then!

My version of being straight felt subversive, kinky, and well, not altogether that straight and I could never explain why.

Haha  !

Or I thought that maybe my attraction to masculine looks and body types was so complete that I didn't know how to express attractive femininity, and only knew how to mimic what I liked in others, to the detriment of actually being attractive to men.

A good explanation!
And like I already said I'm not attracted to masculine looks & body types at all...
But still been thinking 'what if I wanna be a man just bcos I'm not comfortable being an attractive female'. And being attracted to women instead has made me think in my darkest moments, 'what if I'm not just comfortable being a lesbian then' you know the usual ->-bleeped-<-... Though in reality I've ALWAYS hated that word the most!!! It's so wrong! I'm a married guy not a lesbian for sure... I'm not even a woman... But still!

To be honest I probably would have realized I was trans as a teenager when all these thoughts were happening rather than when I was in my late 20's if I'd been a straight trans guy LOL.

I can see being gay must be even more confusing!!!
I've also been confused by those boy 'crushes' as a kid, still kinda am. Coz can't be sure if I really used to like boys then - or just didn't realize I really liked girls (plus didn't comprehend that was an option). Probably the latter one - coz actually if I think about it I did have crushes on girls starting from a little kid, I just really didn't realize that it was what it was. I just thought everyone pretended being attracted to boys like me. I didn't get that some people actually experienced a real attraction towards them...

[KathyLauren]

Yes.  When I was younger and didn't know I was trans, it was very easy to get them confused.  I thought I was feeling normal heterosexual attraction, but now I realize that it was mostly envy. 

It was very confusing when I realized that I wanted to be with women less than I wanted to be them.  And even more confusing still when I realized that, although envy was driving my attraction, I still would rather be with women than with men.  (No offense intended, Mr. Wolf! )

To tell you the truth, it is still confusing as heck.  The fact that I am 63, a happily married, asexual lesbian, kind of puts all that on the back burner.  I don't have to try to figure it out.  I just dump it all in the box labelled "" and leave it there.

[Deborah]

That was one thing that never confused me.  Whenever I got into a moment of trying to figure out where this came from I asked myself which came first.  For me the trans came first and then sexual attraction came later.  They were always two separate things.


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[Julia1996]

I identified as female as a very small child. I only became interested in boys around age 11-12 so I never confused being trans with liking males. Since I identified as female I felt it was normal for me to like boys. Other people however confused it. My uncle made the comment that I was transitioning because I wanted to have sex with guys without the social stigma of being gay. What an ignorant ass. Being gay is generally more easily accepted than being trans. And once in school I had this girl tell me I was " so gay" she bet I ended up having a sex change.

[PurpleWolf]

And once in school I had this girl tell me I was " so gay" she bet I ended up having a sex change.

!

[Kylo]

No, I've never confused the problems I had with attraction itself. Two fundamentally different things.

But:

I do know what it's like to be attracted to someone and be like them, look or act like them and so on. Being bisexual, there's a lot in my world that isn't clear-cut like it is for most people. A lot of blurry borders and possibilities and less 'straight lines'. Since I've always been this way it's not strange to me. Although I'm not attracted to myself, I wouldn't mind looking like any number of people who I'm attracted to. That's fine. Might have something to do with the idea of personal standards and wanting to like myself rather than hate myself. Not in a narcissistic way, just in "meeting my own standards" sort of way. Feeling unattractive in general is bad, and feeling like you are attractive is good for confidence. Probably comes from that.

How did you realize you actually want to be them yourself?

I guess it was just the thought "I'd be a lot happier if I looked like that guy." Comparing myself which I always had difficulty connecting any sort of emotions to, to something that I can connect with and do approve of. But it's casual, not like some fetish level thing. And there's the fact that even if you look good you can't exactly "enjoy it" or admire it on yourself all the time, so it's kind of redundant.

I've spent my life wanting to be someone else on all sorts of levels, wanting someone else's personality, looks, and good fortune. It seems to be second nature to just look at some other people and think I'd swap what I have for that any day, even if I happen to find them attractive.

[Devlyn]

No, I've never confused the problems I had with attraction itself. Two fundamentally different things.

But:

I do know what it's like to be attracted to someone and be like them, look or act like them and so on. Being bisexual, there's a lot in my world that isn't clear-cut like it is for most people. A lot of blurry borders and possibilities and less 'straight lines'. Since I've always been this way it's not strange to me. Although I'm not attracted to myself, I wouldn't mind looking like any number of people who I'm attracted to. That's fine. Might have something to do with the idea of personal standards and wanting to like myself rather than hate myself. Not in a narcissistic way, just in "meeting my own standards" sort of way. Feeling unattractive in general is bad, and feeling like you are attractive is good for confidence. Probably comes from that.

I just flat out knew I wasn't a man that women would be attracted to and was completely alone in life. Since figuring out I'm transgender I see my female presentation as attractive. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about myself, and the confidence I've gained is amazing. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[BT04]

I just flat out knew I wasn't a man that women would be attracted to and was completely alone in life. Since figuring out I'm transgender I see my female presentation as attractive. This is the first time I've ever felt this way about myself, and the confidence I've gained is amazing. 

Hugs, Devlyn

This, exactly!

I went many years trying to embody the standards of beauty that I thought would earn me the love and admiration of men. That's something a lot of women struggle with, AFAB or AMAB, so picking out the trans threads from there was made harder for me by trying to be a good feminist. It was a while before I realized that not feeling attractive wasn't internalized misogyny, just... not wanting to be an attractive woman.

It was honestly SURREAL when I first acknowledged the maleness/masculinity in my clothes and bodily appearance and felt... sexy! It was all me, not anybody else telling me that I was sexy. It was a "holy crap, THAT'S what that feels like??" moment.

[big kim]

Yes, I was attracted to both but mainly had girlfriends though had flings with men 75/25. Thought i was gay but accepted i was bi. Now it's 50/50, took me a while to realise sexual preference & gender identity are not the same

[The Flying Lemur]

I went many years trying to embody the standards of beauty that I thought would earn me the love and admiration of men. That's something a lot of women struggle with, AFAB or AMAB, so picking out the trans threads from there was made harder for me by trying to be a good feminist. It was a while before I realized that not feeling attractive wasn't internalized misogyny, just... not wanting to be an attractive woman.

It was honestly SURREAL when I first acknowledged the maleness/masculinity in my clothes and bodily appearance and felt... sexy! It was all me, not anybody else telling me that I was sexy. It was a "holy crap, THAT'S what that feels like??" moment.

I felt like this exactly.  The main reason I presented as female for so long is that I wanted male attention, and I thought that was the way to get it.  Turns out it wasn't . . . straight men are attracted to femininity, a quality I more or less completely fail to embody.  I also always felt I was faking being a woman--like I was wearing a costume that didn't quite fit, and I was always waiting for someone to expose me as a fraud.  That's not a sexy feeling.  It's awkward and anxious and weird, and I'm sure that's how I came across. 

When I finally decided to be myself even if it meant being alone for the rest of my life, I found I actually felt attractive--comfortable in my own skin.  As if I actually had something to offer someone.  I still can't get a date to save my life, but hey, on that front I'm no worse off than I was before.  At least now I can imagine someone wanting to go out with me.   

Edit: Oh, and to answer the question of this thread, the men I identify with and the men I find attractive tend to not be the same sort of person.  I'm attracted to more mature, stable types, but I'm more a perennial adolescent, blue hair and all.  :p

[PurpleWolf]

I still can't get a date to save my life, but hey, on that front I'm no worse off than I was before.  At least now I can imagine someone wanting to go out with me.

Hey u sure  ?! Never heard of grindr or gay dating apps???

Plus if you just wanna date someone the easiest way is to ask sb out...
Have you even tried that? Even if you had to ask some 100 people you only need 1 who says yes  Don't knock it till you try it huh!

[PurpleWolf]

I might add that since I don't find men attractive at all in their maleness, I sort of feel weird wanting to look like that myself then  !
Like if  I find men's looks so unappealing what's wrong with me for wanting that then for myself xDDD
Told you... totally nuts!

[The Flying Lemur]

Plus if you just wanna date someone the easiest way is to ask sb out... Have you even tried that?

Of course.  What would make you think I haven't?

[PurpleWolf]

Of course.  What would make you think I haven't?

Keep on trying then,  ! You'll find someone. There's someone for everyone on this planet. Just don't lose hope okay!!!

[amandam]

This is something I am pursuing in therapy. Is my root cause a female essense, or is it ultimately a sexual thing. Since I am highly sexed, its a legitimate question.

[BT04]

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with fetishizing our own gender identities. There's a lot of theories about how and why people develop them, and they're all pretty much equal parts banal and useless. I say who cares?

And this is coming from a guy who has in the past described himself, and I quote, as having a "fetish for dicks". Cis men's genitals are some of my favorite things on the planet, not even joking. Of course, it took me this damn long to be clued into the idea that I could sorta have one too - 2 years ago, the thought would have made me VERY uncomfortable for all sorts of internalized -ism reasons - and it was a game-changer.

But really, don't knock the sexual impetus. Writing a really effed up smut roleplay with a dude is what made me realize I was FtM. And I've done lots of non-sexual roleplaying, and normal writing. It was specifically the combination of writing intense and involved sex scenes from the POV of a man, with another man as my RP partner, that cracked the safe.

I also always felt I was faking being a woman--like I was wearing a costume that didn't quite fit, and I was always waiting for someone to expose me as a fraud.

Oh man, this gives me goosebumps; this is so me of the past 15 years lol. I developed a very strong interest right around puberty (surprise, surprise) in storytelling themes about women passing themselves off as men and then being discovered. I guess I sympathized with that precariousness and turned the mortification and danger of being outed into a kink.

As if I actually had something to offer someone.  I still can't get a date to save my life, but hey, on that front I'm no worse off than I was before.  At least now I can imagine someone wanting to go out with me. 

Bingo.

[Kylo]

I honestly can't articulate most of the thought process behind this well enough, but many transsexual people seem to have at least slight difficulty with the idea of sex with someone they're attracted to using the sexual organs they were born with for it. At least that is my observation, and it includes myself as well. Getting turned on enough to have sex is one thing, you then have to avoid thinking about your own sex organs to avoid killing the mood if you have this problem, and you may well not be attracted to yourself in the slightest.

So somewhere in that scenario is the fact your own sex organs have to contribute to sexual excitement. You have to want them on your body and to be using them, or sex is just off-putting. Most people would probably not delve so far into the thought process on why that is, or what they actually think of their own sex organs, but it has to be related in some way to "feeling sexy" or to being turned on. What you are and what you have has to be a part of that. But ofc many of us wouldn't be turned on just thinking about our own junk in particular. Or junk in general, detached from the person it belongs to.

It seems to me for most, the sex organs you have is part of the "safe code" specifically in the sexual wiring, but we tend not to think of it much the rest of the time.... and also a general feeling of "sexiness" in yourself may be necessary. After all, if you feel you are hideous, it's usually not a good starting point to getting in the mood for anything, let alone sex.