Saw an unsuccessful transwoman and it scared me, a lot

[MissMonique]

Hello again all of you

So, I am in Amsterdam at the moment for a few days.  Enjoying the fact that no one really notices me and I can enjoy myself in a non-judgemental environment. 

However, I saw an older transwoman on the first day and I won't describe her in detail, but she looked a fright.  Like a man in drag in every bad way possible.

It scared the hell out of me.  I am 45 and non-passing, but I am hovering in the androgynous area.  It scares me to think that people might see me like I saw this poor woman.

I am so happy with my gender, but hate knowing that my appearance and presentation are not that feminine and I am still struggling with how to handle and present that.  I went to the hairdresser earlier in the week.  A floral blouse, women's bell bottom jeans, ankle boots with accessories.  I had foundation, mascara, lipstick, etc.  I was discretely feminine and neutral colours.  I was still consistently addressed as "sir".

I know that had I worn a skirt I'd just have been "sir" in a skirt.

Only been on HRT for a month or so, but just wondering what I need to do to tip the balance in my favour and am terrified of ending up like that woman.

[AnonyMs]

I don't think it means too much. Some people socially transition early in the process, sometimes before hrt. I couldn't do it, but I've met a number who have. It's amazing how much difference hrt makes in time, and if you have the money ffs can also make a big difference - and I'm going to need it.

[Allie Bee]

You've only been on HRT a month hun, give it time. I came out full time after a year on HRT & i still was misgendered, clocked & assaulted. It takes time. The magic usually starts happening at around 2 and a half years from what I've heard,  & ive only been on it for 2 years. A month isnt a lotta time yet but youll see after a year, the changes will be remarkable. Like, HRT is magick, lol. I was not anywhere close to feminine or even androgynous when i came out. Just be patient, & while you wait for the HRT to do it's thing, focus on other things that you Can work on that also go into "femininity," like makeup, wardrobe, excercise, diet, laser hair removal, voice/speech training, ettiquite/behavioral training, stance/walk/posture retraining, all that. If it wasnt for all those things, i would get misgendered All the time. The looks arent everything & you cant count on HRT for eveything.
Also to say "unsuccessful transwoman" is kinda hurtful. Like at what point is she successful? As long as she's happy, shes successful, regardless of how she looks. When i came out i always said, "Id rather be an ugly woman than the sexiest man" so maybe shes happy with what shes achieved? Or maybe she Just started like you? OR maybe she IS a man in drag? Just a drag queen? Also could've been one of those "organic transwomen" who dont take HRT (only heard of one of them around here). Best advice i can give is to not compare yourself to others hun, unless its to better/improve yourself. Dont put yourself down based on others looks or even their opinions. You're strong af just for getting this far. & you have a long way to go hun, trust me, youll see many good changes sooner than later. Just work on what you Can control til then;)  ♡♡♡

[stephaniec]

you live life the best you can and you can't let others intimidate you to live your life they feel bests suits you

[Mendi]

How do you think transwomen did it before hormones?

They just went out as themselves...RIP Marsha Johnson & Sylvia Rivera.

And no, I don´t like it either, that I get misgendered, but I have the utmost respect for those transwomen, who can do it.

They are much more stronger than I am, I can never be that strong.

[ToriJo]

As a 40-something sister, I can definitely relate to being misgendered and unpassable.  It stinks.

It took 3 months of HRT before any stranger "ma'am-ed" me.  That was rare when it happened, and is still rare.  I just went full time last week (6 months HRT) because, dang it, I need to do this *for me*.  I'm glad I did.  Yes, it's terrifying. Yes, it hurts every time I'm misgendered. Yes, people notice me, and not always in good ways (actually usually not in good ways). But it's better than hiding. At least now *some* people manage, through choice, to see who I am. They never did when I was pretending to be a guy - they just saw "him", even if they wanted to see who I really am.

Do I hope to blend in better some day? Yes. I'd love to know what it is like to just be seen as who I am, without the "trans-" qualifier on the front. I probably never will experience a day where that's true all day. So the question I had to ask myself: "Is that okay? Would I rather be a non-blending transwoman, seen as a TRANSwoman, or would I rather be a perfectly passible man?"  No contest.

[allisonsteph]

Define unsuccessful. If she was comfortable, then she was successful. I socially transitioned six months before I began HRT. I've been on hormones for 4 years, and still occasionally get misgendered. I just don't let it bother me like I used to.

[MicheleAdams]

Hello again all of you

So, I am in Amsterdam at the moment for a few days.  Enjoying the fact that no one really notices me and I can enjoy myself in a non-judgemental environment. 

However, I saw an older transwoman on the first day and I won't describe her in detail, but she looked a fright.  Like a man in drag in every bad way possible.

It scared the hell out of me.  I am 45 and non-passing, but I am hovering in the androgynous area.  It scares me to think that people might see me like I saw this poor woman.

I am so happy with my gender, but hate knowing that my appearance and presentation are not that feminine and I am still struggling with how to handle and present that.  I went to the hairdresser earlier in the week.  A floral blouse, women's bell bottom jeans, ankle boots with accessories.  I had foundation, mascara, lipstick, etc.  I was discretely feminine and neutral colours.  I was still consistently addressed as "sir".

I know that had I worn a skirt I'd just have been "sir" in a skirt.

Only been on HRT for a month or so, but just wondering what I need to do to tip the balance in my favour and am terrified of ending up like that woman.

I find in generally non-judgmental places, binary acceptance is about hitting a 51% mark in how people will identify you. People just need enough clues to get it right. I'll tall, 6'2" (188 cm) and have big hands, feet and head but a small chest. If I dress feminine and do nothing else, I still get misgendered--mostly by people who don't speak European languages well. My estimation is lack of this kind of language skill correlates due to lack of exposure to relevant cultural gender clues. Western culture people do much better. If I put 200cc breast forms in, the misgendering is about half; with 480cc breast forms it's nearly zero amongst anyone.

[Devlyn]

Jesus, Monique, you say how nice it was to be in a non-judgmental place, and  then you judge the hell out of someone?

Passing as a woman is not nearly as important as passing as a nice person.

[Bari Jo]

I have the same response as Devlyn, but I have the same fear and have had it forever.  I remember being a teen and seeing a trans lady that didnt pass on TV and I thought, that won't be me.  And now, decades later I am that person.  Hopefully eventually I will pass, and hopefully this person described will also.  If we don't at least come to peace being ourselves

Bari Jo

[Faith]

I'd feel sorry for them not wanting me to be that way (except I am) then I'd remind myself, we all do what we can to ease the beast inside of us. If that is what works for them then more power to them. I do the same, I dress myself to what makes me feel better. If someone else doesn't like it, too bad for them.

[Natsuki Kuga]

I have the same response as Devlyn, but I have the same fear and have had it forever.  I remember being a teen and seeing a trans lady that didnt pass on TV and I thought, that won't be me.  And now, decades later I am that person.  Hopefully eventually I will pass, and hopefully this person described will also.  If we don't at least come to peace being ourselves

Bari Jo

It's taken me a long time to realize that the saying "There but for the grace of God go I" actually means "There with the grace of God I am."

[Ann W]

So, I am in Amsterdam ... . 

I saw an older transwoman ... and I won't describe her in detail, but she looked a fright.  Like a man in drag in every bad way possible.

It scared the hell out of me.  I am 45 and non-passing, but I am hovering in the androgynous area.  It scares me to think that people might see me like I saw this poor woman.

I am so happy with my gender, but hate knowing that my appearance and presentation are not that feminine and I am still struggling with how to handle and present that.  I went to the hairdresser earlier in the week.  A floral blouse, women's bell bottom jeans, ankle boots with accessories.  I had foundation, mascara, lipstick, etc.  I was discretely feminine and neutral colours.  I was still consistently addressed as "sir".

I know that had I worn a skirt I'd just have been "sir" in a skirt.

Only been on HRT for a month or so, but just wondering what I need to do to tip the balance in my favour and am terrified of ending up like that woman.

The scariest thing about debuting as female is how you will be perceived and received by others. It's a prison. Freedom comes when you decide that pleasing yourself is more important.

Passing isn't what will set you free. When the need to express and be who you are becomes more important to you than the reactions of other people, that's when you'll be free.

When I discovered I was female, I finally loved myself. My dysphoria didn't manifest as a revulsion with my physical body; it manifested as a revulsion with myself. Realizing I was female brushed all that away, virtually overnight. I am so happy now, compared to how I was; and it shows. I don't pass; but when people see me they see a happy trans woman. And that happiness is more important to most people than what I look like.

When people say "ma'am" to me, I usually thank them, because I know it was the result of conscious reflection, an intentional decision to be polite and kind. There is no way in the world someone could mistake me for cis. I still get "sir'd" a lot, and it's a nuisance; but there is more silver lining than black cloud in my interactions with others. It's not because I'm lucky. It's because I'm positive.

One of the hardest things for many girls to do is to get out there in women's clothing. You've already done that. Your nemesis is psychological. You're fixated on something that isn't central and have magnified it out of proportion, until it has become an essential, something you think you can't live without; and, since you can't have it, at least for the moment, you're in crisis.

When I see a happy, non-passing trans woman, it fills my heart; she is like a lighthouse in the storm. She has found herself, loves herself, her not passing notwithstanding. Such women greatly encourage me.

Be you. The same truth applies to all sorts of people, not just us. Don't give your life to your fears; what a waste that would be.

[Charlie Nicki]

I understand where you are coming from, as it has happened to me that I see unpassable transwomen in the club and instantly think I hope I don't end up like that. But at the same time I kinda feel like we are all clockable in one way or another so I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for that.

[Charlie Nicki]

The scariest thing about debuting as female is how you will be perceived and received by others. It's a prison. Freedom comes when you decide that pleasing yourself is more important.

Such a powerful statement! I aim to feel and think like that.

[Devlyn]

Something I'm also not seeing in Monique's post is any indication of knowing how this person is presenting.

Think outside the binary box. Some of us don't need to choose  boy OR girl, we mix boy AND  girl.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jessica]

Something I'm also not seeing in Monique's post is any indication of knowing how this person is presenting.

Think outside the binary box. Some of us don't need to choose  boy OR girl, we mix boy AND  girl.

Hugs, Devlyn

I agree with you Devlyn, some of us are comfortable with a mix.  I know I am, but I think in time I will be more on the feminine end of it. 
Personally I think your attitude has much to do with passing and if you own it , you are are more than halfway there.

[Devlyn]

While I'm on my soapbox..

Hello again all of you

So, I am in Amsterdam at the moment for a few days.  Enjoying the fact that no one really notices me and I can enjoy myself in a non-judgemental environment. 

However, I saw an older transwoman on the first day and I won't describe her in detail, but she looked a fright.  Like a man in drag in every bad way possible.

It scared the hell out of me.  I am 45 and non-passing, but I am hovering in the androgynous area.  It scares me to think that people might see me like I saw this poor woman.

I am so happy with my gender, but hate knowing that my appearance and presentation are not that feminine and I am still struggling with how to handle and present that.  I went to the hairdresser earlier in the week.  A floral blouse, women's bell bottom jeans, ankle boots with accessories.  I had foundation, mascara, lipstick, etc.  I was discretely feminine and neutral colours.  I was still consistently addressed as "sir".

I know that had I worn a skirt I'd just have been "sir" in a skirt.

Only been on HRT for a month or so, but just wondering what I need to do to tip the balance in my favour and am terrified of ending up like that woman.

..we love our Drag friends, they are welcome at Susan's Place. Please  don't say things that will make them feel less than welcome.

[KathyLauren]

I have problems with the word "unsuccessful".  Replacing it with "non-passing" would still be a judgement, but it could be a valid statement of personal opinion.  But "unsuccessful" makes assumptions about the other person's history and state of mind.

Who knows what mountains she had to climb, what dragons she slew, what personal tragedies she had to overcome to get to where she is?  Success is too personal for someone else to judge.

[ToriJo]

When people say "ma'am" to me, I usually thank them, because I know it was the result of conscious reflection, an intentional decision to be polite and kind. There is no way in the world someone could mistake me for cis. I still get "sir'd" a lot, and it's a nuisance; but there is more silver lining than black cloud in my interactions with others. It's not because I'm lucky. It's because I'm positive.

Absolutely!  One of the thing that has struck me (I'm new at this, so lots of things strike me!) about being in the world as an obviously trans person is that there are good people out there, and sometimes allowing yourself to be open to that creates some wonderful experiences.