i was inactive a long time cause differente reasons and decisions (like stop everything about transition in prior of study and be sure about transition cause is huge step in my life). So, i write this only to de-stress my self so i want your advice, opinion or only read about me. and sorry, i only come here went i need something.
im 22 year old girl in the grown body or its how i feel (i born like a boy) that the reason am here hehe
Im front Ecuador, a beautiful place. Im studying medicine a awesome carrer.
I like watch series, anime, video games,lost my time in amazon clothes department, art like drawing and paint.
Now i non transition cause im studying and living in my parents house, but im planning do it probably next year when i'll leave the house but i still have doubts. I look like a guy with beard and short hair. Be femenine or feel femenine here is imposible so i have to act manly and look manly, it makes family, university and friends stuff really easy cause i dont have telling explications to anyone, and they only accept that i am a "perfect normal straight man" would be perfect is only they would think "perfect normal woman" XD but this is more a dream, now i don care about it cause is a passenger problem (but my mother knows my situation, at the time she dont care too... probably).
In a future, i want move to a lgbt-friendly country or some place where nobody know me and change name, paper and other stuff could be easy to start a new life like a woman... how i look a place in my dreams
My most fear (after slug and snails) is saw me ,in the future, like a unhappy man with wife and kids trying to live a fake life or trying to be a male that i dont be. i dislike this idea. I also want to have children (at 30s or more) , but me being their mother not other way, sounds crazy , and adopt is a option.
Plus sometimes is difficult act like a boy but when you forget about this stuff i could be happy... for a while.
I felt stress with social and romantic- relation ships cause im not a gay-man or straight-man or bi-man... i dislike be a man plus my disconfort with my body or i dont know. i want being treated like a girl and i dont know how act so i used a repellent acitude to keep away other people, special who i noticed that was attracted to me. I still virgin but no is a problem, the right persons will appears... someday in a far future i hope
I accept me like a woman, it was hard, but my sex orientation is not really clear but probably i am bi. i know im sexual attracted to men and p*nis
but is only a physical attraction, i dont feel secure or comfortable, my only one expirence dating with a boy (or whatever that was, cause was once date), was me like a man and him... we do friends usual things with a kiss but no more, was good and i needed but not be like i expectation or how be with my previous kisses with a girl. Plus like a member of man for years (not for my decision), i know how they are... most of them, so i should be care full. And, i practice anal masturbation o///o feeling shame to said it, my genital scared me and i have sexual needs. im a human been after all. but anal sex with a man scared me more, sound naughty, pain and ... good but no thanks. if i get a boyfriend i want try do him a ->-bleeped-<- (sometime i dream with do it), no more its my limit with this body. SRS looks like and option... to do naughty thing with a guy o/////o.
So about girls, i thought i was attracted in a time but is a feeling like envy plus respect and friendship. two years ago i was in a relationship with a good girl, a open mind person and really intelligent, and probably the only person that i loved in that way and really date like couple, i though in her like my blue prince. she knows a lot of thing of me and my future plans, so we start dating like couple. i felt fine, secure and confident, we have fun and a good communication between us plus i supported her in all that i could and she did the same. but the thing didnt go well cause she wants a male-in all law of the word and not a male-girly boyfriend or a future girlfriend, and me that sometimes acts girly (not intentional only pass right) or more like a girl try to be friend than a boyfriend (like a girl-shopping trip with me search clothes to dress her or talks about make up... all for my selfish pleasure) or my poor sexual interest, i loved her and i try do it but the discomfort with my body was a problem and use my male-thing scared me (still do it), plus other things, result in she fall out in love (and she had all reasons to do it, now i understand) with she was looking for a guy that did the thing that not i could (you imagine) and after that she was honest about her feeling, frustrations and expectations about our relation that not going more (like i change i favor to be straight man, now sound impossible) but nothing about the guy and we broke. A month after that i found that she was dating with this guy and she was going out with him even before the break, i understand that she wants a man and i dont blame her. Now we are good friends, no more, only friends, but she treat me like a boy, we dont touch the topic and i dont care.
Date wih a girl show me some good point about that. like friendship, the cuteness of have a girl like something you want hug, good level of communication, confident, shopping, frequently girls talks and the other things that is normal in all couples... And that i have responsibilities with the other person sexual needs independent if is a woman or a man
So a month after all, i felt that i need a man too...I do not know if out of spite or need but i do it, so i looked a friend that was interesting in men and yes, its the guy that i kissed
, well, in fact he kissed me (im very coward) after that i say sorry and run... i felt bitchy and only distance him and i am fine with that, plus he is not my type and he is only attract to men.
after that, a friend presents me a girl, a mate of university, and we tried date, a pair of kisses, passion of the moment but in the end, she and me didnt want anything with the other... only distance but i still see her in university (i had to do it, she was my classmate last semester)
How i say if the correct persona appear i dont care if is a man o a woman, i want someone to understand me and see me like a girl but for that i need be honest (and probably look like a girl and not like a lumberjack XD). I still prefer men in physical way (cause they excited me) but in a relation ship the feeling are more important. so both of them are fine, how i say i dont care. the plan b, If i dont fine my special person, in a far really far future... i will be fine with only have sex with guys and not emotional relations (that sound sad and bitchy but yeah... why not tried XD other women do it).
And so, right now i don't want a relation ship, only would made my life more complicated.
i dont know if transition could fix my ¿orientation? , but im sure that makes me be in peace with my body and my self (and with that is enough for me)i learned that: Accept have a girl inside you that wants going out is hard, make plans is easy but take them and make it true is dificult and not be sure about the risk in the way is disappointing; but have to be a man that you dont be... sucks.
that all about me and my thing...
Thanks for reading, and to create a place for chat and talk about your problems, stories and experience. i think i won a lot of thinks here.
Give me your advice, questions, opinions, are important to me.
i know im crazy
