Married with children...

[BlueJaye]

For the women out there who have transitioned while being married and having children, how did it go? I'm really afraid. I'm afraid of screwing up my kids. Being trans has been an awful lifelong struggle for me, and I'm so afraid that watching me transition could cause my kids long term emotional problems. I'm also worried about the effects on my wife. She loves me dearly and I think she would stay with me no matter what, but I worry about the long term stress of being married to a trans woman and all the social stigma that she would bear.

[Megan.]

Hey hun [emoji4].
I've got two children now 6 and 4. Sadly my marriage didn't survive my transition, but my kids still stay with me at weekends.
My youngest (daughter) has coped very well, my oldest (son) has struggled with my changes.
I think it's very much down to the child in how they will react.
Some here have put off transition until their children were older, others (including me) haven't, it's a totally personal thing, and as with being a parent, there is no rule book or instructions.
Good luck, whatever your choice, but if you love them and reassure them that won't change, then you've done all you can. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[DawnOday]

My fear was not so much my children. It was that someone outside the family using their demented thinking that I must be some kind of perv. and take them away. Our daughter also slept with us which, if that was all that was heard, would get me jail time. But she slept on the floor at the foot of the bed because she felt safer there than in her bed.

[HappyMoni]

There is no general rule. Everyone's family members are different. You have to try to read them and there are no guarantees. Now that I stated the obvious, how old are your kids? My kids were in their 20's and did wonderfully. They followed the ideals that I brought them up to have like tolerance, respecting others, and having great value for our family. I had a sense that they would be accepting despite  this coming out of the blue for them. My partner/wife has known for 40 years, so there was no 'later' coming out to her. She likes me way better now. She takes pride in calling me her wife, so no, it hasn't worn on her. If you are coming out after many years of marriage, one of the first things you might see is anger. You are turning her life in a very unexpected direction. Some partners can move past it, others can't. Communication, respect of a partner's feelings, and honesty are key to making a coming out successful. I ran from this thing for a long time. I don't believe running from your truth is a great answer, whatever that looks like.
Moni

[DawnOday]

Monica-Another great post. It really is about being open. I've tried to teach my kids right from wrong and apparently it worked. They have been extremely accepting. "I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger". I think there is a song in there somewhere.  My wife knew before we got married 35 years ago that I crossdressed but she was still perplexed but has since begun to realize the tranquility of my real self. I like to say I am now serene rather than an angry person.

Dawn

[Sarah77]

I understand your struggle. I have 3 kids and love my wife.
I've spent a 7 or 8 years trying to gently bounce my wife into somehow being OK with me transitioning. She is honest that it isn't for her and we'd split.

So I'm too afraid to lose my wife, fanily and almost certainly my job.
I'm just getting by with therapy and the odd bout of depression until it all pans out.

My wife isn't the baddy..she has boundaries and I'm just never certain. That's the worst thing for me in being trans..continual doubt

[Nicole70]

I have 3 kids, two are absolutely fine with it, one is accepting but is struggling to get past seeing me as a woman. My wife has been wonderful, we love each other and want to stay together, however it has been incredibly hard on her and continues to be difficult, we continue to have times which are up and down, however I'm a better person to live with now. Try to be honest with each other and keep lines of communication open.

[krobinson103]

I have two kids. My wife isn't and never will be a lesbian so that part of our relationship is over. I am cautiously optimistic that we can co-parent and live together for long enough to get the kids to a point where a split won't upset them too much. My youngest wants daddy to look like daddy, but She is getting used to the idea. My eldest (11) is a bit upset but again She needs me at the moment so we just go day by day.

Long term we will split and get on with our lives separately. For now financially and practically staying together is the best course. They are better off with me as I am than the angry, frustrated half man I was.

[Rachel]

My wife and I divorced. Our daughter was 16 ( now 20) when told and was not accepting. I see them on occasion and we are friendly but have our own lives that are separate.

[epvanbeveren]

My wife and I are married for 32 years now. In 2002 we separated and a few years later almost got divorced, but luckily we didn't finish the court proceedings. ( they added something new into the process, we gave up and let it be). Anyway... We are legally separated ever since, but after coming out the closet and starting my transition we have now become best friends. My wife lives at my and my oldest daughters place when she is babysitting the grandkids. We go out shopping together sometimes, and she stayed bedside with me during my surgery in the hospital, and helped me in my recovery as well has gone with me to all my follow up visits.

After I came out to my children (I have 3 daughters and 1 son) my 2 oldest daughters took me out to a local restaurant to have dinner and talked to me. They told me they will support and love me regardless, as long as I am happy. I am not sure how the initial thoughts of my other 2 children (twins) was, but they all support and love me. They congratulated me on my surgery as well. My youngest daughter (part of the twin) calls me "momy2".

Same for my grandchildren, they all see me as their grandparent and are just as happy with me as the "old" me.

I told my children I don't want to take your father away from you so they call me dad or opa (Dutch for grandpa), but in public they refer to me as female with female pronounce.

My mom is also very supportive and happy that I am now living in happiness with my own self. It did take mt mom and wife some tine to get used to it though.

I also understand that I am very lucky in not loosing any of my close family. I do have a few aunts and uncles who aren't to supportive, but who cares. Their faith doesn't understand ->-bleeped-<- and therefore they don't.

I do truly think that because I transitioned later in life, after my youngest (twin) where 21 and not living with me anymore, that this might have a lot to do with it. At present time my youngest (boy and girl twin) are living in my home, and my wife is her part of the week, doesn't have her own room, but sleeps either in my or my daughters room. I work nightshift, so she just takes which ever room is available.

We don't have intimate relationship, but we both aren't interested.

At the end I want to add that my life has changed for the better and my relationship is 100 times better, and happier.

[Karen]

Thank you for this post.   I too would value everyone's perspective.   I am about 50 with teen age kids.   My wife is supportive as we see how far I need to or choose take my transition.  Choose  and need to are in conflict....I wish I had a magic wand and could be me fully without consequence.    We are taking it one layer at a time with me fitting into my life little things like light make up, underwear, and women s jeans that let me align a bit between my insight and outside.   I have also been doing laser hair for while. One layer at a time. 

My question...should I tell my kids I am dealing with gender Dysphoria and Amy working it through?   

My therapist suggested it to consider.  Vs telling them I am transitioning.    My kids are amazingly loving and open, with them still figuring out their own selves. 

[Sarah77]

Every so often my wife tries to force me to make a choice.

Last night she showed me an article about a transwoman and said "Is this what you want?"
"Because you need to let me know as it's not for me and I don't want to waste my life."

The selfish truth is, I'm not sure - and it's not something I can do financially for a few years.
If I say 'it might be' I risk losing something now when I'm not sure how I'd cope with a transition.