The hardships and pain being trans causes our loved ones.

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone.  I was replying to Mr Wolf's thread about supportive family members. I have very supportive family members but I started thinking about what they have gone through by being supportive and it makes me feel awful.

I think a lot about the problems and hardships I have and have been through because I'm trans but I haven't spent much time thinking about what my loved ones have had to go through because of me.

My dad lost his best friend and his brother because of me. Possibly his marriage too. All of my dad's friends are nice to me and seem totally accepting. But his best friend Dan really disliked me. He would say stuff about me and it was quite obvious he was disgusted by me. My dad would always tell him to knock it off or get out and he would stop. Then one night he got into a big thing with my dad over me.

I was 16 at the time and hadn't transitioned. Everyone assumed I was an extremely fem gay boy.He told my dad I was the biggest ->-bleeped-<-ot in the world and he acted like it was ok. He told my dad he needed to do something about it.

My dad told him there was nothing that could be done and I was born that way. Dan told him he could at least try and how was he ok with having a total deviant as a child and asked him if he had any pride at all. He told him he should be ashamed and asked how he could even show his face with " that" (he meant me) as a son. So that was the end of their friendship. Dan and my dad never spoke to each other again.

I felt really bad and told my dad I was sorry that that had happened because of me. He told me it wasn't because of me, that it was because Dan was an ignorant dick. But yeah, it was because of me. Then my dad lost his brother because of me. You all know why from my other post.

My uncle is an ignorant and horrible person but he is still my dad's brother and I feel bad that my dad cut him out of his life because of me. Almost all the fighting and feuding between them has always been over me.

And I really suspect a major reason my mom and dad split up was because of me. My mom was really upset when I was going to start transitioning.  She kept telling my dad he shouldn't allow it and told him he was insane for actually helping me do it. Then to start hrt the doctor wanted a signature from both my parents. My mom said that she wouldn't sign it. My dad told her she better sign it and that it didn't really concern her anyway. She said it did concern her because I was her child too. My dad told her no, I wasn't her child too. He said she was just a womb and that from day one he had taken care of me and loved me while she had done nothing and that I was HIS child. She signed the papers but after he said that to her their relationship went on a huge downward spiral. I know they had problems anyway but I think that argument was what finally killed their marriage. And it was over me.

My mom never had any problem letting me know I was an embarrassment to her. But she told me I was a huge embarrassment to my dad as well but he just wouldn't tell me. I worry about that a lot actually.  Tyler told me once that my dad wasn't ever embarrassed of me and said he kept pictures of me on his phone and showed them to his friends. I would like to think he's not embarrassed by me but I have to wonder. 

My dad is a cop and it's well known among his coworkers that he has a trans daughter. I wonder if other cops ever say mean stuff to him about it and how it makes him feel when they do. I know he wouldn't ever tell me if that does happen.

I have never wanted to be an embarrassment to my family. Thinking that I might be bothers me a great deal. Actually the fact I embarrass my mom doesn't bother me. But that I might embarrass my dad or Tyler bothers me a lot.

And then there's my poor brother. I can't imagine how he could not be embarrassed of me to other guys his age. And it breaks my heart that he's had to endure things he shouldn't have had to because I'm trans. Tyler has lost a couple of his friends too because of me. He stopped being friends with them because they had a problem with me and said stuff about me.  And he lost his uncle and was even treated badly by him and called names, also because of me. Because he didn't treat me the way my uncle thought he should. Which was to be cruel to me and hurt me physically.

Only kind of recently I found out Tyler was bullied himself at school because of me and that he got into a lot of fights over me. EVERYONE knew who I was and they knew all about me. Some of the guys at his school would tell him being gay ran in families and was he sure he wasn't a ->-bleeped-<- too like his brother. Or they would ask him when he was going to start wearing makeup like his ->-bleeped-<- brother. Some of the guys he went to school with just totally shunned him and wanted nothing to do with him just because of me and he got excluded from a lot of stuff by the popular kids. And he got into a lot of fights.

My dad had to go to his school a few times because of his fighting. I knew he got into fights but I had no idea they were because of me. Someone would say really nasty things about me or mess with him over me and he would hit them. Tyler isn't a bully or a thug but he's also never been afraid to use his fists if someone messed with him too much.

Once he got suspended for a week and almost expelled for breaking a guys jaw. I knew about it but I had never known what had caused it. This guy told Tyler that AIDS was a punishment for ->-bleeped-<-s and that when I was dying slowly from it he would be glad about it. So Tyler hit him really hard and broke his jaw. Tyler had never told me about any of that stuff. One of his friends told me about it last year.

To say I felt awful would be an understatement. It totally broke my heart that he went through all of that because of me. I still cry when I think about it. How Tyler doesn't totally hate and resent me I will never know! After I found out about it I talked to my dad and asked why he had never told me Tyler went through all that and he said because Tyler didnt want me to know because he knew it would upset me.

Yeah, it does really upset me! My dad told me not to be upset and that Tyler never had any problems or regrets about anything that had happened and that Tyler had always and would always be protective when it came to me.  He told me that Tyler had totally loved me since my parents brought me home from the hospital and that he could never hate me for anything. But that still doesn't make me feel less awful that he went through all that because of me.

And now there's Tristan. What bothers me a great deal is that people have questioned his masculinity and implied that he's gay for being with me. It's never bothered him but I don't know when it might start to. He's just one more person who has to endure crap because he loves a trans person. Between waiting for me to have surgery, the fact I can't ever give him children  and the stuff people have said to him I don't know why he even wants to be with me. It would be so much easier for him if he had a CIS girlfriend.

I know Tristan, my dad and Tyler all love me very much and I know I'm very lucky to have them.  But they have all had to go through a bunch of crap because of me and I just wonder if they are going to say " enough is enough. I'm sorry but loving you just costs too much". That would totally devastate me but I couldn't blame them if they did.

[autumn08]

Nothing that has happened is your fault (you didn't choose your life) and you're not a mounting accumulation of hardships, but a continuous source of joy for your dad, Tyler and Tristan, and time alone won't change that.

[bobbisue]

     Julia I have 6 children I can't even imagine being ashamed of them for being themselves I also have a trans grandson and a bi granddaughter and a grandson with a learning disability I am proud of them all and would never tolerate anyone doing or saying anything against them this is what love is it is not a burden it is a privilege you are a kind wise young lady and these people see that and love you for it

     bobbisue

[amandam]

You're too hard on yourself. Families do this all the time for many different reasons. Life is too short to have angry people in your life.

[Kokoro]

Children cause their parents grief, trans or not. If a friend picks an issue with their child, they will defend them categorically. At the end of the day, you are family, and that person is not.

Same goes for siblings. Even when they get along really well, there are still issues. I remember my cousin getting a tizzy over what someone said about his sister, despite there being an 8 year age difference and he had always told everyone he wasn't fond of her. To this day they are more distant than close. But he still got all worked up because she was family. And it's what family does.

I realise you transitioned very young so I'll explain this as best I can as someone who is barely starting transition at 30. One of the big developed masculine traits that not a lot of people talk about is the need or desire to 'protect' someone. And not just from physical violence, but also in regards to 'honour'. I myself developed this trait during my 20's and am particularly fervorous when it comes to my Mum and Grandmother. If anything would happen to them, such as someone shoving past them in a store, I'd just drop my normal timidness and fear and shout at said person or go up and stop them if it was particularly serious. And it's completely against my personality otherwise.

You may want to look at it like they enjoy looking out for you. Like one would do a pet. Sure, pets take a lot of effort and money to look after, but after a day of taking for walks, scooping poop, getting those shots at the vets, digging up Mrs. Jones' petunias, feeding and then barfing straight back up - and you're just laid on the sofa cuddled up together, does any of the bad stuff really matter?

Nope, not in the slightest.

[christinej78]

Julia, you are NOT the problem. The problem is with the people that are causing trouble; they most likely have low self-esteem and are using you to hide their self-loathing and inadequacies; they are also cowards. The best way to stop them is to go out of your way to be NICE to them; it keeps them from winning.

Last but not least, I haven't been here long, I have only been out less than a month, I'm a good bit older (78) than you; I think it's safe for me to say everyone here at Susan's Place love and support you. Be kind to yourself, you've earned it.

Best wishes,

Christine

[Kylo]

People lose friends and deal with drama/crap from people for other reasons as well all the time though don't they. My sister doesn't have a trans kid but she seems to get an endless stream of drama about everything and anything from the people she knows. If she did have a trans kid it would just be one more thing on the list of stuff she argues with people over.

Some feel they have to defend the trans people in their life morally or ideologically, some keep it hidden so it doesn't create toxic situations. My sister would defend it because she's just like that, my biological dad on the other hand is ok with the whole thing, but he won't tell his (Catholic) mum. He asked me to look at it like this, he loves his kids and he doesn't have a problem with me, but my gran knowing would give him an endless stream of bad vibes and it's him who has to deal with that where he lives in my hometown, not me. So he was asking me to forgive him for not telling her. I'm like, dad, do what you gotta do. I'm not up there dealing with her, so do whatever makes dealing with her bearable for you. Because she's bloody awful about stuff like this and she hates men, anyway, so she wouldn't exactly be chuffed at the news.

Your dad and brother are dealing with it exactly how they want to, I'm sure.

There's only one person I personally feel bad for in my situation about having to deal directly with the issue and that's my bf. We'd been together 10 years so it was fairly disruptive for him. He also doesn't advertise the fact since he works with people who he already knows think trans people are a bunch of loons. That causes him some issue I think, having to sit and listen to that sort of conversation and not get mouthy. And then there's other problems it causes in what used to be a straight relationship. He's the only person I've really "imposed" anything on with my decision or existence. Anyone else can just ignore it, deny it, do whatever they want to do about it, but he can't.

   

[Gertrude]

Your dad and brother are doing the right thing, which shows integrity. This may have a cost, but they are willing to pay that because they are principled. It's not on you at all and I would even posit, if it was, it brought out the best in them. Return the favor with love and respect. You're fortunate to have such support. Sorry about your mom though, but many of us here would be and in some ways are your moms. You're lovely Julia, don't forget that and you're deserving of your family's support.


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[Cora]

I can't imagine having friends in my life who are so hateful that they couldn't shut their mouths about my kid or sibling. Like the status--sexual or gender identity or whatever--of my kid or sibling literally does not affect them in any shape or form, so I would be happy to ditch them because they weren't true friends to begin with.

[Miharu Barbie]

Hi Julia,

Why feel sad for your dad?  He was faced with a choice of holding tough with relationships filled with anger and condemnation, or with choosing to shower love and support on his Beloved daughter.  Your dad chose the life of love!  Holy crap!  Don't feel sad for him.  He's winning!

If you feel the desire to make it up to your dad, the sacrifices he makes in the pursuit of living in love, then make his sacrifices worthy by being the absolute best version of yourself that you are capable of.  If you don't know for certain what the best possible version of you looks like in this moment, then just follow your dad's lead and choose to live a life of love in even the smallest choices that you make all day everyday. 

Protect your dad!  His choice to live in love, well, I'll just say that the world has a huge shortage of people choosing love over anger right now. Your father is precious to us all!  Make it easy for him to continue choosing love if you can.

Love,
Miharu

[SadieBlake]

You have given your dad and brother the opportunity to be bigger people and do so when there was something at stake.

Be proud for them.

[Lady Sarah]

Like myself, you are blessed to have such a loving family.

It is not your fault or theirs, that you were born that way. Your father and brother obviously love you very much. They are totally within their rights to shun anyone that tries to stand in the way between them and you. If that means breaking a jaw, so be it.

[HappyMoni]

Julia,
   So the people who are hostile and hateful to you are on one side. Your loving brother, father, and boyfriend are on a different side. Which side is more worthy of being respected or admired? Obvious answer is your people. So what made your family and boyfriend such awesome people. Your presence according to your logic would have been such a negative thing for them, right? No, hell no, your presence has helped make them the wonderful, caring people they are. Your presence was a gift for them because it helped them be the people they are. Get out of any mindset that the horrible people have any legitimate argument. They don't. You are not a separate entity from your loved ones, you are a package deal. You make them stronger, better.
Moni

[Corrina]

You are a blessing! I am a trans (MTF) and a Christian! You are not doing this out of choice. They love you because they see you for who you are a loving woman who is worth more than an ignorant person with no real feelings! I hope I get the support you have when I come out. You are obviously loved very much. So smile 😃!

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Julia

I have been reading your stories for some time.

You have a wonderful loving and understanding dad and brother and boyfriend.

You do not need to feel any guilt as I'm sure you have caused them no pain.

They simply love you.

So worry no more.

Pamela

[sarah1972]

I would agree with others who said you have a wonderful loving and caring dad, brother and boyfriend. They cherish you so much that they are willing to put you over anything else.

Transition always affects everyone around the trans person.

For me, the person I caused the most pain is my wife. It has been 2 years now since I told her and she is trying very hard to accept and support me in this journey but she is also struggling. We are working very hard to deal with all this since we do want to stay together but only the future will tell if it really works in the end. I really hope that one day she finds a way back to happiness. I do have to say, that her unhappiness is affecting me a lot. I have had quite a few depressive episodes over how much I have hurt her and I have been slowing down transition. I I would have been single I would be interviewing surgeons right now but this is far away. At home I do still dress down to make it a bit easier on her (even tough it is all female clothing, no more male cloths in my life).

Communication is a key factor along with letting them know how much you appreciate what they are doing for you.

[Daisy Jane]

If your dad, brother, or Tristan were embarrassed by you, you would know. You've frequently mentioned how affectionate all of them are toward you, including in front of other people. Those aren't the actions of people experiencing embarrassment.

[Charlie Nicki]

There's only one person I personally feel bad for in my situation about having to deal directly with the issue and that's my bf. We'd been together 10 years so it was fairly disruptive for him. He also doesn't advertise the fact since he works with people who he already knows think trans people are a bunch of loons. That causes him some issue I think, having to sit and listen to that sort of conversation and not get mouthy. And then there's other problems it causes in what used to be a straight relationship. He's the only person I've really "imposed" anything on with my decision or existence. Anyone else can just ignore it, deny it, do whatever they want to do about it, but he can't.

So are you guys staying together? How far in your transition are you?

[Charlie Nicki]

Julia,

As others have said, your family loves you. You can't blame yourself for the ignorance others have shown.

[DawnOday]

Julia. I think you are wise beyond your years on many things and I enjoy you bringing a new perspective to common travails. You are a little naive in some things. Aren't we all? I"ve just had more time to think about things. You mentioned not to long ago that you could not understand why us older people choose to transition at such a late date. Your generation is much more knowledgeable than my generation. We had to appeal directly. You can send an email. Transgender was not even a term when I was your age. There were no positive portrayals. We had a bunch of men dressing up for tv shows and movies as somehow worthy of ridicule. Celebrities being sited for being found in alley's with ->-bleeped-<-s. Whatever glimmer of hope such as Tula, Dr. Richards that was brought forward they were immediately attacked as not being worthy of acknowledgement.  Lack of communication and proliferation of bad information. We were just as desirable as you are of being our real self. The real advantage is more people are tolerant today than ever. As to your Dad, Brother and Tristan... If they did not think you were worth the effort they would not expose themself to criticism. But the world is changing my friend. Some day in the not too distant future you will be able to walk the street with your head held high, knowing at last you are not an outcast. I hope I am around for that day little sister.

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