Hi Karen,
I just found your thread, believe it or not, a mere month after you started it. (I really must start paying more attention.)
Just to add my little bit of input to an already well-developed thread.
On therapy:
My therapist never once told me I was transgender. She has been a gender therapist for over 30 years. She listened, and she affirmed, and she kept me out of dark places. That's it. I came to my own conclusions. Therapists are not mind-readers. No one can tell you what you are thinking, so for your first (idiot) therapist to come out and declare, "You are a fetishistic transvestite and have autogynophiiia" is insane. That's not therapy. That's a bunch of judgmental crap. She is a charlatan and did damage to you. I am so sorry you had to endure that.
On hormones:
Unfortunately, the meme "YMMV" applies here. Everyone is different. Jayne01 got no relief from HRT. I got tremendous relief. The androgen blockers were a Godsend to me, as they eliminated my libido. In retrospect, I think when one is just starting out, anti-androgens may have more impact than estrogen. That's just my opinion, based on my reaction. It stopped the testosterone poisoning. It stopped the "fetishistic transvestism", which is to say I no longer resorted to the desperate ploy of cross-dressing (as it is defined) to relieve my gender dysphoria. That was worth the price of admission right there.
My first endocrinologist was very conservative, and it was three months before he even put me on a half-dose of transdermal estradiol patches. After five months, he increased the dosage, but my E2 levels were still in the male range. That said, it made a big difference. My dysphoria was gone. It was like a missing piece of my brain was now operating. My identity as a person was no longer this blurred, distorted image. I was female, there was no question. That's when I knew I would do whatever it takes to transition. That decision dd not eliminate my fear, far from it, but it changed my transition from a dream to a goal. And as you probably already know, the difference between a dream and a goal is having a plan.
On plans:
They don't work. I was outed to my kids by accident. I was outed to my co-workers because of an overheard conversation. To paraphrase another meme, "All transition plans fail upon first contact with reality." So why have a plan? To remind yourself what you are trying to achieve. To acknowledge who in your life is important to you. To have an internal compass when things get really tough. There will be lost friends. There will be crappy reactions at work. And very possibly some family members will turn their backs on you, or just tell you, "Good luck and I hope you find happiness, but I can't deal with this. I'm out." That is a completely valid response. No one owes us acceptance. Not your kids, not your wife. They didn't sign up for this, you did. Don't be angry and don't be overcome with grief. Initial reactions are not final reactions. This is going to be a long road, Karen. Take some deep breaths, and buckle up.
On you:
There is so much to admire about you. You are honest, and you are caring. You don't want anyone to get hurt. You just want to be happy. I totally get it. I am not a doctor, but I would counsel caution on taking anti-depressants. You are in a very stressful situation that is causing you depression. That's not a psychopathology, that's life! You don't need drugs, you need inner strength. It's in there somewhere. You may not believe that, but I didn't believe it either. I thought there was absolutely no way I could transition. I was 100% certain I did not have the courage or the strength. Yet here I am.
On me:
I need to shut up now, lol, but I am a fan of yours and will be quietly rooting for you from the sidelines. If you ever want to chat, please do not hesitate to PM me. I will always respond. I'm on this site pretty much every day now.
With kindness,
Terri
