I've been lurking on the site a bit recently. Thought I would register and perhaps participate in some of the discussions. My personal bio: I am transgender of some variant, though I am not sure what. It seems to be a blanket term that covers a lot of territory. Which is good. When I was younger (I'm 64 now) it seemed there was a binary within the T* world -- transvestite or transsexual. I did not consider myself the latter at the time. I would periodically go through phases where I would cross-dress in private a lot, would eventually feel conflicted/ashamed and would purge. After a time, I would feel drawn to it enough to do it again. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. There was, at this time in my life, a definite fetish/sexual component to it, but that seems to have faded away over time. When I was about 30 I met and married my wife. I deceived myself into thinking this would make the trans desires go away, and I didn't tell her about them. Of course, they didn't. Eventually she found out and I trotted off to my first therapist, who was pretty terrible. His advise was basically to find a way to control my behavior. Which was pretty much what my wife wanted to hear and I gave it the college try for a number of years. Along the way, our marriage developed other cracks -- with my wife eventually falling in love with another man. Whether that had anything to with my gender issues I cannot say. At any rate, she was not working at the time and we had 3 young children so separation was problematic. We came to an agreement that we would live together platonically for a while until the children were older and we would have the freedom to do whatever we needed to do, which for her meant pursing her relationship and for me having more freedom to explore my gender identity. But I was quite closeted, quite conflicted about it and would just cross-dress at home when the opportunity presented itself. though I participated in some early internet trans communities, listening to the modem crack and sputter as I logged into Compuserv. I also found a genuinely helpful therapist which was a very positive experience for me, at least for a time. But I was just unable to get over the internalized trans phobia and make a decision to live openly. I thought "this just isn't going to work" and did a big purge. I was in my early 40s at this period. Around the same time, my wife's relationship with her lover ended, though as it turns out the damage to the marriage was irreparable. (We continue(d) to live together in a platonic relationship.) And here the curtain closes on Act I.
The saga resumes after 9 or 10 years. In that period I lived purely as a traditional male. Our marriage was focused around the children. I had a decent career with a big corporation, made pretty good money and ate and drank a lot and played a lot of golf. Wasn't terribly happy but not utterly miserable either. The dysphoria was pretty submerged. And then.... I do not recall the trigger, but the dam, while not breaking, suddenly sprung a lot of leaks. It part it was the ability to shop online easily without embarrassment I suppose. But in the process of setting up online accounts, I had the option to identify as female and use a feminine version of my name. And I did. And I have to say that kind of rocked my world. For the first time I began to at least consider some sort of life other than the extreme end of the male binary, in a way that I had not allowed myself to do before before. I began to go out in public from time to time dressed discretely (knit tops, jeans, low-heeled shoes, that sort of thing). But... still terribly problematic. My relationship with my wife was/is still important, and I felt/feel she would not be supportive. My parents were also in the process of dying, and that consumed a lot of internal attention. I would tell myself that I had chosen a fork in the road years ago and it was not meant to be. So I once again again pushed those feelings down, again with some success, for a period of years. But .... exit stage left, pursued by a very female bear.
So after five or six years of uneasy internal peace with the dysphoria, a little more than a year ago, I allowed myself to again open up to that part of myself. But I am not sure what that means now. I am quite old, quite large and testosterone has worked its magic on me for decades. Passing is not in the cards here. I will always be addressed as "Sir." Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be as important to reach the female end of the binary as when I was younger. I haven't worn a dress/skirt or heels or a fragrance in decades. May never do so again, though I suppose one should never say never. There does seem to always be a desire to push the envelope a little farther, a little farther. Just how far it could go I don't know. Today I went to a mall wearing jeans, a man-tailored shirt, ballet flats, a little foundation and power and it felt great. Would it have been nice to have some jewelry or eye makeup or some type of unisex hair style? Yes, but it didn't seem essential. Does this sound maybe like I'm settling into a non-binary place? I don't know. I keep hoping I can live as an integrated person in a way that doesn't upset too many people. I think right now I can see a real need to be able to unambiguously present as male at times, but I would surely love to be able to let my hair down at others. Well..... if I had enough hair to let down anyway.
Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
BTW, we get paid by the word here, that's how it works, right?
