Wife with a MtF... hmm, what term should I use here?

[Theirsforever01]

I'm sure this is a story similar to ones that have been on here from the beginning. My spouse told me this last Friday that they thinks they're transgender. (I will apologize now if I mess up pronouns, they haven't really decided yet how they want to be referred) The two of us have been together pretty much nonstop since we were 11 and 12, and I love them more this year than I did last, so the idea of me turning away from them because of this was ridiculous in my mind, this is the love of my life and nothing will make me give them up. This is the point that I would feel bad if I didn't admit that we have a bit of a head start in that with two facts: 1) they immediately stated that it changed nothing about their own sexual preferences, and 2) I am bisexual anyway. No, I am perfectly happy for them to explore what they are thinking and feeling since all I have ever wanted for them anyway was for them to be happy, but I almost broke down in tears today when I decided to look it up and see if other couples were able to weather the storm... what I found was terrible. story after story of divorce, of complete upheaval of personalities and exclusion  of one or the other (or both) from old support systems and new ones.

Please, all I want is a little reassurance that not all couples fail at this hurdle. I know all relationships are different, but there has to be someone, somewhere that has made it work, right?

And for what it's worth, I fancied my spouse up last night to try and boost their confidence, and they were freaking stunning! ...I have to admit that it was a bit hard to wait until the kids were in bed before showing them how much I liked it...


also, I have no idea what good tags might be for this site, if anyone has any ideas if you could help me out there too!

[AnneK]

Judging from what I've read here and elsewhere, some couples handle it very well and stay together, others not.  You mentioned you're bi, so perhaps you should be asking yourself how you'd feel being married to a trans woman.  If your partner's sexual interest doesn't change, you could be a lesbian couple.

BTW, I've often said that if I went through with GRS, I'd have to be a lesbian, as many, but not all trans women are.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We see somewhere around 50% of the couples remain together through a transition. The primary issue that causes couples to break up is the non transitioning party being unable to accept the transition. It sounds to me that your relationship has a good chance of remaining together because of your sexual preference and at this stage it appears both of you are working at remaining together. Couples consoling would also be a good idea because it will help you deal with any small issues before they become large ones. Most of the time when couples break up, there are often signs very early on that indicate there are issues that the relationship is in trouble. None of those were in your post so I think you will have a long happy relationship together.

As for setting tags, it's probably not needed. The features Recent list give you pretty good exposure for a few hours. After that, the SOs that regularly visit the site will drop by and check out this section. After about a week you should have a pretty good collection of responses.

Things that you should read

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[Jin]

I like to be called "Honey".

And I too love it when Eve fancies me up! She mixes pronouns depending on the situation, and how dominant she feels at the moment.
The children are grown and flown, so we can howl at the moon as loud as we wish. 44 years and counting...

[ainsley]

I started hormones for mtf transition 10 years ago.  I have transitioned to female and my wife and I are on our 28th year of marriage.   We're still best friends and very much in love!  It does happen that couples stay together during, and after, transition.

[Charlie Nicki]

There are many couples that breakup but also many many others that make it even stronger. There's a bunch of trans women on this site who are still married to their wives. And there's a few significant others (mostly women as well) who post from time to time, all of them still married. So yes, you can definitely do it my advice is don't take the internet so seriously, your relationship has its own  reality (which seems to be very positive) and shouldn't be judged by the negative experiences others went through.

[Jayne01]

I'm sure this is a story similar to ones that have been on here from the beginning. My spouse told me this last Friday that they thinks they're transgender. (I will apologize now if I mess up pronouns, they haven't really decided yet how they want to be referred) The two of us have been together pretty much nonstop since we were 11 and 12, and I love them more this year than I did last, so the idea of me turning away from them because of this was ridiculous in my mind, this is the love of my life and nothing will make me give them up. This is the point that I would feel bad if I didn't admit that we have a bit of a head start in that with two facts: 1) they immediately stated that it changed nothing about their own sexual preferences, and 2) I am bisexual anyway. No, I am perfectly happy for them to explore what they are thinking and feeling since all I have ever wanted for them anyway was for them to be happy, but I almost broke down in tears today when I decided to look it up and see if other couples were able to weather the storm... what I found was terrible. story after story of divorce, of complete upheaval of personalities and exclusion  of one or the other (or both) from old support systems and new ones.

Please, all I want is a little reassurance that not all couples fail at this hurdle. I know all relationships are different, but there has to be someone, somewhere that has made it work, right?

And for what it's worth, I fancied my spouse up last night to try and boost their confidence, and they were freaking stunning! ...I have to admit that it was a bit hard to wait until the kids were in bed before showing them how much I liked it...


also, I have no idea what good tags might be for this site, if anyone has any ideas if you could help me out there too!

Hi Theirsforever01,

I am Jayne, a transwoman. I came out to my wife nearly 3 years ago and have been on HRT for a little over 8 months. My wife is not thrilled by me transitioning, but we are both very deeply in love with each other and committed to making our marriage work. We feel closer to each other now then ever before.

There are certainly many couples that remain together and happy after one person comes out as transgender. You may find similarities between your relationship and things you read online. It helps to seek advice from others, but don't lose sight of the fact that your relationship with your spouse is your own. Don't be discouraged by bad experiences others may have, there are just as many good experiences. It sounds like you are both committed to each other. Keep communicating when things get tough (they will) and remember what you love most about each.

Stay strong, from what you have written, is sounds like you have a better than average chance that you will both get through this with a thriving relationship.

Welcome to Susan's.

Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

I'm sure this is a story similar to ones that have been on here from the beginning. My spouse told me this last Friday that they thinks they're transgender. (I will apologize now if I mess up pronouns, they haven't really decided yet how they want to be referred) The two of us have been together pretty much nonstop since we were 11 and 12, and I love them more this year than I did last, so the idea of me turning away from them because of this was ridiculous in my mind, this is the love of my life and nothing will make me give them up. This is the point that I would feel bad if I didn't admit that we have a bit of a head start in that with two facts: 1) they immediately stated that it changed nothing about their own sexual preferences, and 2) I am bisexual anyway. No, I am perfectly happy for them to explore what they are thinking and feeling since all I have ever wanted for them anyway was for them to be happy, but I almost broke down in tears today when I decided to look it up and see if other couples were able to weather the storm... what I found was terrible. story after story of divorce, of complete upheaval of personalities and exclusion  of one or the other (or both) from old support systems and new ones.

Please, all I want is a little reassurance that not all couples fail at this hurdle. I know all relationships are different, but there has to be someone, somewhere that has made it work, right?

And for what it's worth, I fancied my spouse up last night to try and boost their confidence, and they were freaking stunning! ...I have to admit that it was a bit hard to wait until the kids were in bed before showing them how much I liked it...


also, I have no idea what good tags might be for this site, if anyone has any ideas if you could help me out there too!

Oh, by the way @Theirsforever01 ,   I see that @Dena has sent you a Welcome Message with important LINKS that will give you information and rules about Susan's Place that will help you to best utilize the site.

So that the other members here on the Forums will know that you have become a member of Susan's Place please go to the Introductions Forum to introduce yourself and to briefly tell the other members here about yourself!   You will then have a better chance of getting the answers that you are looking for regarding your specific interests and you will be able to share with others as they share their experiences with you once they know that you have arrived.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle
 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, TheirsForever. 

As Dena said, about 50% of couples stay together through one party's transition.  To keep this in perspective, about 50% of cisgender couples get divorced eventually.  So it is possible that, for coupls that split up, transition merely acts as a trigger for what would have happened anyway.

I've been out to my wife for nearly two years, and living full-time female for over one year.  So far, we are still doing well as a couple.

It sounds like you and your spouse are approaching this with a healthy, supportive attitude.  That's what it takes.  So keep doing what you are doing, and don't worry.

[Susan Baum]

Hi, TheirsForever,

Although my situation was a bit different - I had come out to her as a crossdresser very early in our dating, my wife was the most supportive person anyone could wish or pray for; in fact it was she who dubbed me Susan and realized that the time for me to transition had come before I.

The fact that your partner is your best friend and you have loved each other for a long time is a huge plus. You know the real person underneath. Support her and hold her dear, I know your love can surmount any changes. When my wife lost her battle with the dreaded "C," we had been together for almost 35 years.

Susan

[Donna]

You can be assured that there are couples staying together in spite of the major effects transitioning has and the changes it brings.
Talking and being open with true feelings is so important. Don't stuff anything. Everything needs to be discussed including the bad stuff. But each person needs to know exactly how the other feels and that is major in making it work.
My wife suspected and said as much for a long while and I came out after several months on meds. Being upfront would have been better but overall going from out to her to Donna in less than 6 months  still has not broken our love for each other.
There is a way forward and I pray you find yours

[Sylvia]

I'm a SO and am not planning on going anywhere. My partner is about to start on HRT next week, and although we are both scared and don't know where it will take us, we are committed to each other and plan to stay together.
Communication and honesty are the keys here. We have got much closer in recent months and our sex life has never been better (and this is one of my major worries about HRT). Whilst I'm not happy about any of this, I have realised that it's what he needs and I love him.
Incidentally he still uses male pronouns and doesn't plan on any name change or surgery.
Good luck!
Syl

[Donna]

I'm a SO and am not planning on going anywhere. My partner is about to start on HRT next week, and although we are both scared and don't know where it will take us, we are committed to each other and plan to stay together.
Communication and honesty are the keys here. We have got much closer in recent months and our sex life has never been better (and this is one of my major worries about HRT). Whilst I'm not happy about any of this, I have realised that it's what he needs and I love him.
Incidentally he still uses male pronouns and doesn't plan on any name change or surgery.
Good luck!
Syl

Plans are a funny thing as well as lines of though. They are most definitely not written in stone. Once the HRT starts all bets are of on how far or what direction she will go. Eg: in December I told my wife there would be no dresses, long hair or makeup. January I started Estrogen and all those thought disappeared. March first I started living full time and a woman and don't regret it other than I should have done it years before.
It will de very different for you but you two sound like your doing it together and that's great. She will need your backing. It's going to get emotional and you are talking now and it needs to increase as you get deeper into transitioning with her. You are transitioning with her yourself in the new discoveries and adventures you will have as a loving pair of ladies.
Good luck and feel free to PM if needed

[Sylvia]

Plans are a funny thing as well as lines of though. They are most definitely not written in stone. Once the HRT starts all bets are of on how far or what direction she will go. Eg: in December I told my wife there would be no dresses, long hair or makeup. January I started Estrogen and all those thought disappeared. March first I started living full time and a woman and don't regret it other than I should have done it years before.
It will de very different for you but you two sound like your doing it together and that's great. She will need your backing. It's going to get emotional and you are talking now and it needs to increase as you get deeper into transitioning with her. You are transitioning with her yourself in the new discoveries and adventures you will have as a loving pair of ladies.

I do understand that plans may change, but he is adamant about no dresses (he doesn't even like me in dresses or skirts). He already has very long hair, and has worn subtle make up for a couple of years. And I said, he uses male pronouns, and plans to continue. He had a femme name to start with, but he doesn't use it any more as he didn't feel comfortable with it. He actually likes the name his parents gave him. At the moment (and I know this may change with oestrogen) he doesn't want to come out, and he doesn't want our teenage sons to know. He claims he never wants to be more than androgynous in appearance - which he has been more or less for some time. He only wants low level oestrogen and he's not taking T blockers.
We shall see if I am eating my words in a few months time!

[Donna]

We all do it our own unique and individual ways. None are wrong and you do what works. Either way it is a great feeling once in HRT. Enjoy

[Sylvia]

We all do it our own unique and individual ways. None are wrong and you do what works. Either way it is a great feeling once in HRT. Enjoy

I don't see how it is any way a joyful thing for me! I'd give my heart and soul for this not to be happening! Acceptance, love and support is the best I can do I'm afraid...part of me really hopes the HRT does nothing for him and he gives it  up. But I know that is unlikely.

But yes, everyone is different and we'll see how it all pans out.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Theirsforever01,

It is true that many transgender couples fracture and die but, as you have heard so far, many thrive. My wife and I have been sharing this journey for just over three years now and are closer than ever. Transitioning, however far the two of you choose to go, is intense and full of surprises. The most important part is to keep up and even expand your communication with each other. And, make no mistake, both of you will be transitioning. We are both stronger and happier than ever and are even planning a recommitment ceremony in a few months. There are several SO's contributing on Susan's but they do not play such an active role and it may take a while for your posts to be noticed by them. Once you get to 15 posts you can send and receive PMs, my partner would be more than happy to dialog with you to help you along this journey.

Good luck and enjoy the ride,
Tia Anne

[Theirsforever01]

I'm a SO and am not planning on going anywhere. My partner is about to start on HRT next week, and although we are both scared and don't know where it will take us, we are committed to each other and plan to stay together.
Communication and honesty are the keys here. We have got much closer in recent months and our sex life has never been better (and this is one of my major worries about HRT). Whilst I'm not happy about any of this, I have realised that it's what he needs and I love him.
Incidentally he still uses male pronouns and doesn't plan on any name change or surgery.
Good luck!
Syl

Yes! Sam has just made their first appointment with a Dr. to talk about HRT and the sex is one of my number 1 worries. That and how the hormone changes are going to affect how they act with our kids. Ever since Sam came out to me, we have been very close and I have embraced the more masculine role in the bedroom (something I've always wanted to do). That being said, I have always been more... oh hell, I want sex more than they do anyway so I am terrified that AA's are going to kill their sex drive entirely..  Sam has come to not care about pronouns but smiles when I naturally use female words for them. I think eventually they will want to start using she/her/her's pronouns.

[Devlyn]

Yes! Sam has just made their first appointment with a Dr. to talk about HRT and the sex is one of my number 1 worries. That and how the hormone changes are going to affect how they act with our kids. Ever since Sam came out to me, we have been very close and I have embraced the more masculine role in the bedroom (something I've always wanted to do). That being said, I have always been more... oh hell, I want sex more than they do anyway so I am terrified that AA's are going to kill their sex drive entirely..  Sam has come to not care about pronouns but smiles when I naturally use female words for them. I think eventually they will want to start using she/her/her's pronouns.

I was on AA's until I had my testicles removed. I  can still get erect, penetrate, and even produce a bit of ejaculate. There was a period when I  was essentially sexually inactive, but it was temporary. Keep your spirits up, there is hope for sexual satisfaction.

Hugs, Devlyn

[SadieBlake]

While my libido dropped off for the first few months on HRT, it then morphed into stronger, healthier (in that I became less obsessive about sex and yet enjoyed it lots more) and decidedly feminine. That then morphed again after vaginoplasty and today I'm enjoying a sexuality that's far more fulfilling.