Will transition be worth it?

[confusedgirl]

New here, obviously, and a heavy trigger warning for some newly discovered internalized transphobia.

So here I am, age 33, and I've only now discovered in the past few weeks I'm not a cis male, most likely full MTF, most likely lesbian.

To make a very long story (sort of) short, let's just say that a few too many tearful responses to some YouTube videos made me realize that my emotional reactions to some transgender depictions and stories went a lot deeper than mere empathy.

It has re-contextualized my entire life and I now see the breakdowns, the screaming at myself in the mirror, calling myself a f*got, a failure as a man, a p*ssy, the root causes of my divorce, my feeling that nobody who knew who I really was could ever love me, my emotional response to puberty, my porn addiction, and my short temper. I now see it all as a hormonal imbalance that only HRT is likely to fix.

And for a little while that focus made me feel like, yes, at least, finally, I know what is "wrong" with me and how to fix it.

But then I made the mistake of looking into what my dating prospects were.

And now I'm a mess.

All I can think is, who could ever love an ugly, manly, middle aged, divorced lesbian with a penis? From what I've read, lesbians will find my body disgusting. Many of them will never see me as anything other than a creepy failed sissy man who wants to penetrate them. Why can't I just be a man? Why am I giving up being a reasonably attractive 33 year old man to be an ugly woman with the one physical trait no lesbian would ever want to get near? Is it really worth it if I'm going to die alone? What if I fail as a woman too? Won't I always be a freak? Will I end up settling for a male >-bleeped-< who sees me as nothing more than a fetish just to feel like there's anything remotely desirable about me? Why couldn't I have figured this out when I was a teen so there was at least a possibility I could be attractive? Should I just try to "pass" as a man so that at least I don't end up alone? Is this really going to be worth it, and why can't I let it go?

So I don't know, I don't have much else to say about it. I hope sharing these thoughts somehow does more good than harm for somebody even though they are left unresolved. I don't know if I'm looking for empty promises that I will find love or declarations that it's absolutely worth it even if I don't find love or what. Know that I think each and every one of you is amazing for facing who you really are in a world that won't accept us.

[Jessica]

Hi confusedgirl 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Many of us here have experienced the very same emotions.  And each one of us finds their own unique path.  Through the support found here you may find yours.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members about yourself!

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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. To start with, often attractive men make attractive women as there are common features to both. You never know how you will turn out until you try be be warned that it often takes a long time before you see yourself as others see you.

Will you find that special somebody? I don't know but there are many people who look beyond the skin when looking for a partner. Inter beauty lasts forever where as skin deep may only last as long as your young. It may take a while to find a partner like that because many of them get snatched up young and stay in long term relationships. Ones that don't have that inter beauty often are back on the market pretty early.

Should you transition? That is a difficult question that you need to answer with a Gender Therapist. We have members on the site that have decided against a full transition. Some receive no treatment other than therapy. Others are on HRT which helps take the edge off but still live in their birth gender. The remainder are somewhere in their transition. There isn't a single right answer but we will help you find yours.

[confusedgirl]

Thank you both. It's already helped a lot just to hear that I'm not alone. Even if I new that intellectually, to have people actually say it to me directly is different. Also, Dena, I'd never considered HRT while presenting in my birth gender as a possibility. That could work. As for a gender therapist I hope that's a real possibility for me. I'm self-employed and not on health insurance unfortunately. Still new to all of this. I shouldn't be at this age, but so it is.

[DustKitten]

I don't know if this helps, but there are more than just straight and lesbian women in the world. Bisexuals and other trans people tend to be much more open to relationships with trans women, and in my experience those are also the groups I'm most comfortable hanging out with and dating. If you think about it, most people are off the table for you already: right now you're not dating any straight or gay men, or lesbians, so you're already working with less than half the population. Your new dating pool would really only be a few times smaller, and it's filled with wonderful, accepting people who could make great partners in whatever kind of relationship you prefer.

Like Dena says, just because you're trans doesn't mean you have to transition. I managed to get by for four years just by wearing makeup and skirts at home and coming out to a few close friends, and I'm only transitioning now because I was starting to fall apart mentally. If your dysphoria isn't too bad, or if you're more non-binary and you're not comfortable with transitioning medically, then you don't have to. Definitely talk to a therapist about what you need. You've just figured out your identity, and I'm guessing everything seems really new and scary to you right now. A therapist could help you sort all this out for yourself.

[confusedgirl]

Thanks DustKitten, it's good to be reminded of this. I seem to be deliberately exposing myself to a lot of TERFy things online right now just to make myself hurt. I don't know where that impulse is coming from but I know it's not healthy. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

[Dena]

Thank you both. It's already helped a lot just to hear that I'm not alone. Even if I new that intellectually, to have people actually say it to me directly is different. Also, Dena, I'd never considered HRT while presenting in my birth gender as a possibility. That could work. As for a gender therapist I hope that's a real possibility for me. I'm self-employed and not on health insurance unfortunately. Still new to all of this. I shouldn't be at this age, but so it is.

Once you get started, HRT isn't all that expensive. Informed consent allow you to pretty much bypass therapy however at this stage of the game, I suspect you would benefit from it. Therapy isn't always that expensive. Some therapist charge on a sliding scale where you pay only what your able to. Unfortunately with the current cost of insurance, you might be better off paying expenses out of pocket. A couple of therapy sessions a month would be far less that you would pay to the insurance company and that's not counting the deductible.

After you hang around here for a while, you will discover we have members who are just coming out in their 50's and 60's. A few even in their 70's. On the other side, we have members who knew as young as 3 or 4. There is no right age to figure it out as it just happens. I showed signs at an early age, possibly in the 3-5 year range but it took until I was 13 before I figured it out.

We will just take this one step at a time and if you get stuck, holler out and somebody will be by to help you.

[generalchaos34]

Im 33 too and I just started therapy, we are in the same boat!

I had a pretty good idea that I wanted transition all the way back at the age of 12 but I have been top chicken to do anything about it till now, and only once my health started to decline, i couldnt binge eat to cover it, and I started going apart mentally. Ive been working at this for a month and already I feel like a completely different person now that I have accepted what I am and what I want to be. Talking it out to a therapist really does help if you haven't given it a try.

I tried to cope for a long time with an addiction to trans porn, it didnt work out. When I got married I figured that would "fix me" and my wife, who is my soulmate, does not know yet of my intention to transition (she will soon!). The one that that prevented me from taking the big step was my love for my wife, but at this point since ive been wallowing in my own personal hell that was slowly killing me, I had no choice. My heart will be broken if she leaves me but at this point i've never felt better or more sure of myself since I admitted that I am trans and started having therapy.

At this point being me as I should be will be more important than anything else. I sincerely hope she stays with me, and I think she will, but im fully prepared to accept the consequences of my actions. I dont even care if im an ugly woman, or if I cant find love again, because if im not even honest to myself how will I ever truly be happy? Ive chosen this journey because ive been living a lie for too long.

Don't consider yourself a failure! We all "failed" at being our birth gender, thats how we ended up here. Failure is about learning from our past mistakes. If being male never worked for you and its made you miserable than learn from that and give it a shot. Since I've joined the trans community I have felt sincere love and caring more than anywhere else in my life. As for lesbians there's all kinds out there. Don't lose hope, we all have a special someone out there as long as we are willing to try and open ourselves up to others.

[Eve of chaos]

I think I can relate to how you feel almost exactly. and maybe my own experiences can shed some insights for you.

I first began to transition at age 23. I have a lot of experience dating cis-females and a trans female from that time.
overall i was generally surprised by how many people weren't turned off by it.

but in the end those exact feelings you described are why I stopped. I decided 6 years ago that dating was more important than transitioning.

and here I am now at age 30 regretting my decision to stop, and trying to decide if im going to dive back into all that.

your fears about how you will turn out are mine as well.

anyway, I am still confused myself even after all these years, but If you're curious to hear more insight from someone who's been through that I'd be willing to share my experiences if it helps.

[krobinson103]

Is transition worth it? A thousand time YES! There are costs and you may lose relationships etc.
Still worth it to live in a skin you actually like. Why pretend to be someone you aren't to please people who have little effect on your life anyway?

[CarlyMcx]

Transition is not supposed to be about who you are going to attract, it is supposed to be about becoming yourself.  Which begs the question:  how well are you going to attract anybody while you are trying to be somebody else?

Now that I am kind of "over the hump" of transition I look back, and I see trying to live as a man like trying to attract women at the beach with an airbrushed six pack.  Sooner or later the makeup has to wash off and you and she both have to deal with who you really are.

That said, there are women out there who were casual hi and hello when I lived as a guy and are practically crawling all over me since I went public with my transition.  If I were single, believe me I would have no problem getting dates—and I'm 55 years old.  I'm not so pretty.  But I am very, very happy to finally be me, and I'm not shy about letting it show.

Don't predicate transition on who you will attract.  Predicate it on being happy with yourself.  I always smile at my reflection in the mirror—not because I am pretty, but because I look like me.

[confusedgirl]

I really appreciate all the responses.

Some therapist charge on a sliding scale where you pay only what your able to.

Dena, or anybody else here, do you know of any good resources for finding gender therapists who do this? I'm sure I can Google it but don't want to miss things an obvious search would miss.

At this point being me as I should be will be more important than anything else. I sincerely hope she stays with me, and I think she will, but im fully prepared to accept the consequences of my actions.

generalchaos34, good luck. Oddly enough my ex-wife is currently the only one who knows about me, and the divorce was a big part of what woke me up. No matter how it goes it's definitely worth it to be open and respectful to each other. I can't express enough how grateful I am to have had a mutually amicable separation.

and here I am now at age 30 regretting my decision to stop, and trying to decide if im going to dive back into all that.

Eve of chaos, that's a pretty wild ride. It's a tough dilemma and I wish you the best of luck. For me it's a reminder this is not a phase.

Is transition worth it? A thousand time YES!

Thanks for the input krobinson103. I do think I'll be starting HRT or at least talking to a gender therapist as soon as I am in a more settled life situation (currently looking for a place/moving). I just know I'm signing up for a lot of horrible things that come with that and I'm getting a serious sense of existential dread attached to that.

how well are you going to attract anybody while you are trying to be somebody else?

Yeah CarlyMcx, this really is the thing that I need to remind myself of. It's how I felt when I first acknowledged this about myself and I need to try to stop questioning myself so much. I'm glad to hear you're confidence is working out for you and it's true I won't find anybody right for me if I'm not me. I think I just need to put more work into figuring out who that is right now, because I haven't quite figured out what being a woman means for everything else.

You have all been super helpful.

[Dena]

One thing that often works is a google search for "LGBT City Name". That will help you find local resources like a local LGBT center where they will know local resources. Other than that, "Gender Therapist City Name". Be careful because some therapist may advertise that they work in that area but they only had one course in it and no experience. Remember that your purchasing a product and you have a right to the information you need to make a wise decision.

[amandam]

I agree with the therapist. I too have had thoughts like you. I'm newly minted trans. I still have doubts like you.
The therapist can help you peel back the layers.

[generalchaos34]

One thing that often works is a google search for "LGBT City Name". That will help you find local resources like a local LGBT center where they will know local resources. Other than that, "Gender Therapist City Name". Be careful because some therapist may advertise that they work in that area but they only had one course in it and no experience. Remember that your purchasing a product and you have a right to the information you need to make a wise decision.

I ended up with a therapist who had limited experience with trans beyond teenagers but she has been so compassionate, encouraging, and willing to learn I wouldn't have anyone else in the world. I got lucky though. Depending on where you live there is usually a trans support group somewhere nearby. I just have to catch their next meeting so I can lock down a solid Dr. for HRT.

[Sephirah]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, sweetie. It really is. We don't get to make that call, no matter how good, or how perfect we think we look. What makes someone attractive isn't always about their figure. Or their anatomy. As people we are all way more than that.

Is it worth it? That's not for me to say. It's something you have to decide on for yourself. What I will say, though, is that when you are forced to live a lie... you can feel alone even when you're surrounded by people who love someone who isn't you. You can feel isolated in a sea of smiling faces, knowing that those smiles are for someone else. Someone you're trying so hard to be. Yet inside you feel empty.

Why can't I just be a man?

That's the question. The big one. The one asked by probably most of us at one point or another. Why can't I just settle for how things are? Why do I need all this upheaval in my life? Why do I need to take this huge leap of faith with no guarantee of what I'll find on the other side? It's been my experience that it's a hard question to ask, but a relatively straightforward one to answer. Because if you're not, then you're not. And no amount of wishing you were, or could be, will make it so. It's just that simple. It's just not who you are.

Square peg. Round hole. However much you hit it with a hammer it just doesn't fit. And hitting it with a hammer over and over and over again... it eventually wears you out.

Whatever you decide, sweetie, it's my humble opinion that you should take the steps you need to take to be able to love yourself. Because that's the strongest foundation for any of us to be able to love others, and accept the love of others, too. If you can find yourself, you can stop looking inwards, and start looking outwards. Embracing the world and all it has to offer.

I believe in you. *big hugs*

[annaleaver]

It has re-contextualized my entire life and I now see the breakdowns, the screaming at myself in the mirror, calling myself a f*got, a failure as a man, a p*ssy, the root causes of my divorce, my feeling that nobody who knew who I really was could ever love me, my emotional response to puberty, my porn addiction, and my short temper. I now see it all as a hormonal imbalance that only HRT is likely to fix.

Hormones will cause severe mood swings, in moments where you have time to think, be kind to yourself. You're not a failure as anything-acknowledging and writing about these issues so blunt/candidly/introspectively is a testament to that.

All I can think is, who could ever love an ugly, manly, middle aged, divorced lesbian with a penis? From what I've read, lesbians will find my body disgusting. Many of them will never see me as anything other than a creepy failed sissy man who wants to penetrate them.

You are being way too hard on yourself, you don't know the first thing about what the girl/guy you might fancy or fall in love with thinks of you.

Why can't I just be a man? Why am I giving up being a reasonably attractive 33 year old man to be an ugly woman with the one physical trait no lesbian would ever want to get near?

Seek guidance through your GP who will refer you to a specialist .

Is it really worth it if I'm going to die alone? What if I fail as a woman too? Won't I always be a freak?

These are all hypotheticals, which understandably amount to a level of stress for someone in your position. Try and concern yourself with what you can change, I know this can be difficult at times.

Will I end up settling for a male >-bleeped-< who sees me as nothing more than a fetish just to feel like there's anything remotely desirable about me? Why couldn't I have figured this out when I was a teen so there was at least a possibility I could be attractive? Should I just try to "pass" as a man so that at least I don't end up alone? Is this really going to be worth it, and why can't I let it go?

There are people out there that do see trans girls as nothing more than a fetish...it's not something that will automatically disappear, and it is a serious concern for someone experiencing the emotions you describe. All I can say is educate yourself to avoid the scenarios you describe. I've done some unbelievably stupid things during my transition and they don't go away but you will learn from them, and be a better person for it.

So I don't know, I don't have much else to say about it. I hope sharing these thoughts somehow does more good than harm for somebody even though they are left unresolved. I don't know if I'm looking for empty promises that I will find love or declarations that it's absolutely worth it even if I don't find love or what. Know that I think each and every one of you is amazing for facing who you really are in a world that won't accept us.

You're amazing too.

anastasia x

[Rachel]

Transition is not an all or nothing. You can do what you need to do to align to the amount you need. Everyone is different and have different needs.

You may want to find community. There are plenty of opportunities to find someone and connect and plenty of opportunities to make friends. One of the biggest issues I had was that I intensely disliked who I was and had very bad dysphoria and yet was scared to do what I needed to do to help myself. Well it takes a lot of work and you need to take risks. I found transition very much worth it.

If you call a LGBT center in your area they can refer you to gender therapists.

[LizK]

Transition and more specifically HRT is like a lucky dip...you just never know what it will give you....I have alluded over and over again that I will never "pass" or even "blend" in and that I will always have to deal with being "clocked"....I could never really have a "truly female interaction" because I am obviously trans!!...however despite my constant self flagelation, and deep seated belief about my inability to blend in or pass I continued to transition....

Recently I discovered that All this was rubbish and was in no way based in reality...I am certainly never going to win any beauty contests but I find that I am consistently treated as female by both men and women.

This is a relatively new revelation and something I am still getting used to....I used to be able to walk into a room and have most heads turn and look at me...now I am in the main ignored as just another woman.

You only get one go around in this life why spend it living a lie...

Take care

Liz


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[MissyMay2.0]

It's great to offer support and encourage transition, however, if you do decide to transition and your worst fears become reality, do you think you could be ok with that? My personal philosophy is that one should only transition if their Need to be their true gender is greater than any negative consequences that could occur; however, if you are completely realistic with yourself, plan your transition well, and do the hard work it takes to ensure success then you can minimize some risks, but not completely eliminate them. Another thing to consider is how expensive it is to transition; for example some trans women spend over 10k just for facial hair removal, and if you choose to have FFS, SRS, etc, the financial cost of transition goes way up.

...But to answer your question; transition was absolutely worth it for me😊