In hindsight, I wish I'd foregone all the pain that I've suffered through trying to have a 'normal' life with children, etc and started down the transition path when I was 15 and had my first real gender crises. My Mum's youngest brother had transitioned many years before, so in the back of my mind, I knew it could be done. She was a beautiful Le Girl in her prime but the terrible reality of the times, when people like us were shunned, ridiculed, and attacked mercilessly even unto death led her into drug addiction and eventually her ignoble death from a heroin overdose when I was still quite young. My mum was the only family she had that hadn't turned their backs on this creature that so fascinated me as a child and she would take me with her when she would go to see Kerri-lee.
My sister Kirilee was not happy with the fact that their names were so similar, so chose not to come along on these visits.
All I ever wanted was to have a family. My eldest daughter's name was decided on when I was around 14. I struggled with my dysphoria throughout my teens and remember so many times when I would look at the beautiful young women around me wistfully and feel so unhappy with the ugly lump of a body I was/am still, lumbered with. But at around 16 I became involved with the woman who was to become my wife and partner for the next 18 years and was the mother if my 2 eldest children, and much of my dysphoria faded away during that time. Until she left me for a thug of a man and turned my whole world upside down, leaving me to drown in despair and bewilderment. I've never fully recovered. The next woman I had a relationship left me more emotionally damaged than my ex wife had ever achieved but she's also the one I just can't get over too. Through her I found my faith in God, for which I shall be eternally grateful for but it came with such a hefty price too, and broke my spirit as it was. I still miss that woman to this day, even though she left me for someone else. I've never just clicked with anybody the way I did with her. Like meeting your soul mate and then losing them again. Third times a charm they say but my third relationship gave me my 3rd child, my beautiful golden haired 2nd daughter and light of my life now taken too, across the seas to another country altogether and with her all my joy. Left alone, with no contact with any of my babies I turned inwards on myself and for a few years it was just darkness and I withdrew into myself and gave up on any future, wishing for a death that I could not bring about for myself. I went armed into dangerous territory looking for a fight or to be killed by police, or anything else that would end the pain and instead found the one girl no one can take away from me, who can never leave me, for I am she, and she is me, and we are bound together on a journey and I am devoted to her and setting her free. There's still so many hurdles to jump over, but at last I have someone worthy of my love and devotion and so the greatest love of all has been found where I least expected it. In me. Ha, if only I had listened to that bloody song a bit more carefully, hey?
It sure is a hell of a ride though, and frustrating as hell, but I'm starting to like who I am, and even love her, for the first time in my life. Too bad it's taken 40 something years to recognise what's been with me the whole time for what it truly is. As someone with what is a somewhat feminine body who grew a descent pair of B cup breasts at 12 like any normal girl would, you'd think I might have worked it out so much younger, wouldn't you? But it was that thing between my legs that led me on such a wild goose chase and into such pain and ruin. Demonic possession is what that cursed thing seems to me now, but thankfully, it no longer rules my life.
I do have a few pointed questions for my maker though, when I do get to go home at last....like, What The Actual F ?
Lol
Phew...never really put all that down in writing before. It's quite cathartic.
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